s07e90 - A Parks and Recreation Special

( Birds chirping )

That's it? Just press that?

Hello?

What... oh.

Hi. My name is Bobby Newport. And as you can see, I'm in Switzerland at my family's private Fox hunting estate. But I haven't caught any yet. They're so fast. You get close and it's like... zoom... they're gone. Anyway, my friend Leslie Knope asked me if I would read this message.

"Recently, the cast and writers of 'Parks and Recreation' decided to reunite the cast and make a one-time special to raise money for people hurt by the coronas. We, along with NBC Universal, our neighbors at State Farm, and our friends at Subaru, will be matching donations to Feeding America, a non-profit organization that helps people facing hunger all over the country. Please visit the website and give if you can. We hope you enjoy this 'Parks and Recreation' special".

What is she talking about?

Something going on?

I... I haven't watched the news lately.

What?

( Triumphant music )

♪ ♪

( Computer beeping )

Hello, Congressman.

Hey, babe. How are you?

How are you is the question?

I know that shirt and it worries me.

The most incredible thing happened.

Okay, so today I'm cleaning the house.

I get dizzy from the cleaning supplies.

And then, I home-schooled the kids but they don't learn anything because of the dizziness.

But then, I had the most amazing idea.

Do you remember this guy?

Oh, no.

Ahh. But here's the twist.

Do you also remember this?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Six words, babe.

"Cones of Dunshire..." the claymation movie.

The entire story just popped into my head.

This humble little nobody living his life, walking around on a random Tuesday.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

When suddenly, he finds out from an ancient scroll, that he is actually...

The Ledgerman.

Honey, did you put all the caps back on the cleaning supplies?

Now, the title is either "Cones of Dunshire: The Ledgerman's Ascent", or, of course, "Cones of Dunshire: The Curse of the Arbiter's Prophecy".

Okay, honey. I'm gonna be here at work for a while.

I have to start the phone tree, and then I will be home.

Just hang in there. Keep it together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No... take your time.

I'm just gonna start writing a story...

( Disconnect chime )

Hello, Leslie.

I see you are contacting me again.

This is the system, Ron.

7:00 p.m. phone tree.

I call someone, and then they call someone else, and we keep doing it until everyone has been reached.

This is the system. You got a better system?

Yes. We talk far less than that.

Or we just send each other a photo of ourselves holding up today's newspaper to prove we're okay.

It's impossible to get everyone on the phone at the same time, you know?

And talking is important, Ron.

We have to look out for our mental and emotional health.

This is the only mental health I need.

What are you doing? Are you in your cabin?

I am.

I come up here to hunt meat so I don't have to go to the grocery store.

I've built up about a 12-year supply of venison jerky.

I can ship you some.

You'd probably have to get your incisor teeth sharpened.

Ew. No.

When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?

I've been practicing social distancing since I was four years old.

Why are you at work?

Well, I shut down every national park in my jurisdiction.

Sad but necessary.

And then I volunteered for several committees to help us get through this.

Did you also create those committees?

I did! So many committees, Ron.

I'm chairing all of them. It's every girl's dream.

But, you know, between that and the kids, I've only been getting two hours of sleep instead of my usual four.

This morning, I put oatmeal on my fingernails because I thought it was nail polish.

( Beep )

I gotta go.

Keep the phone tree going, Ron.

Who do I have to call for my second face-to-face conversation?

According to today's random drawing, you are calling... Garry.

Bully.

( Disconnect chime )

Hey.

Hello.

You got us for the phone tree?

No, I got Garry, but I called you.

What are you wearing?

Andy and I put all of our stuff in garbage bags, and every day I put on the first five random things I pull out.

Okay. Where's Andy?

Andy! Ron's on!

Hey, Ron.

Where are you, son?

Why are you in another room?

Are you quarantining?

No, well, kinda.

I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.

Why doesn't April let you out?

Oh, Ron.

Bert Macklin, FBI, does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.

How long have you been in there?

Two days. I'm pretty hungry.

Well...

I am going to go now.

Wait... who are we supposed to call next?

I suppose you should call Garry.

Okay.

( Disconnect chime )

No ( Bleep ) way we're calling Garry, right?

No. Gross.

No.

( Call connects )

April Ludgate! Andy Dwyer!

Hi, guys.

Ann Perkins, my beautiful wife.

Hi.

Why are you guys not together?

Chris?

Did you lock yourself in the shed?

Probably?

I think that's pretty common these days.

Actually, Andy, as I've explained to you several times, Ann has gone back to work as a nurse.

So out of an abundance of caution, she is isolating in the southeast part of the house while the kids and I are in the northwest, AKA the living room.

Hi, honey!

Hi, babe!

I'm just helping with out-patient care.

Gotta do what we can.

Chris is donating blood four times a week.

Oh, good for you, man.

( Lock clattering )

Who are you giving it to?

Just kind of... whoever wants it?

"Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?

I used to date that guy.

Oh, no! Andy.

The CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy.

My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye.

They're like cherry Froot Loops!

And my blood type is just positive.

They've designated him a super-healer.

So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Okay. Well, gotta go.

Uh, remember, everybody.

Wash your hands and throw all your jewelry in a ditch in the backyard.

Good-bye.

( Call connects )

Hi, everyone. I'm here now.

Hi, Leslie. Bye, Leslie.

One of you has to call Garry now.

Haaaaah.

( Disconnect chime )

I know were not my designated call, but I had two minutes before my next meeting, and I just wanted to say hi and that I love you and I miss your beautiful face and your beautiful voice and I'm worried about you.

Both: Oh, thank you.

Oh. You were talking about Ann.

( Chuckles ) Okay.

I'll go now.

( Call disconnects )

Hey. How are you?

I'm okay. You know?

Chris has been a real trooper.

He's working from home, and he's doing everything with the kids.

How is he exercising?

Well, we did have a Stairmaster but he's been working out so much that now it's just a smooth ramp.

We should call Garry, right?

( Blows raspberry ) No, thanks.

( Call connects )

Hello.

Or should I say, "selamat pagi", as they say here in Bali?

The hell?

His book tour got cancelled, and it was supposed to end with a trip to Bali for him and Lucy.

How are you, Tom?

I haven't gotten you on the phone tree for like a week.

Amazing.

Just, uh, blitzing some entrepreneurial ideas.

What do you think about this?

Double-breasted pajamas.

No.

Protective masks with other people's teeth printed on them.

Stay safe and look fresh as hell with Timothée Chalamet's smile?

That's just weird.

Teeny tiny iPads for each finger?

Dumb.

Lasagna... that's also toilet paper?

( Sighs )

Yeah, I might be going a little stir-crazy.

Some of these came to me during my 11:00 p.m. nap.

Isn't it weird time has no meaning anymore?

Ooh. Is that something?

A clock with dials that just move randomly?

Hang in there, Tom.

Let's keep this phone tree going, okay?

Yep, yep. Who am I calling?

Garry.

( Laughing )

I'm not calling Garry.

( Disconnect chime )

What up? What up?

Tommy! Oh, damn.

Are you in Bali?

You know it.

Hold on. I gotcha.

( Computer beeps )

Oh, snap. My friend Donna's here too?

I'll cheers to that.

Both: Clink.

So, how's it going? How's Joe?

I'm good. Joe's good.

School is all online now, so he's teaching from home.

Tom, have you ever witnessed someone trying to teach a group of young children something?

Nope.

Based on my experiences playing Fortnite, children are terrifying and make you cry almost immediately.

It's terrible. The man is a saint.

The job is impossible.

And every teacher deserves a brand-new Mercedes after all this.

Except for Joe, of course, 'cause you know I already got him a Mercedes.

Oh, damn. Does it match yours?

What you think? Clink.

So who do I get next on the phone tree?

Well, I'm sorry, boo-boo.

I hate to ruin your beach buzz...

Ugh. Okay.

Vacation over. Bye, babe!

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

I got an idea.

Okay. Call him now.

Okay.

( Call connects )

Well, hello there, Donna.

Hey, Tom sent me this meeting number, and said Brené Brown was giving an emergency TED talk.

Oh, ( Bleep ), Garry.

You're not Brené Brown.

Aww.

It's great to see you too, Leslie.

So what's new, Mayor Gergich? How's Pawnee doing?

Uh, well, not bad.

But I will tell you, some people really fought me when I had to cancel the Annual Pawnee Popsicle Lick 'N Pass.

Very weird tradition. Why did we ever do that?

Hold on a second.

I got some frosting in my ear thing.

Okay.

Garry, you're a dog.

Oh, well.

Gayle has called me that a few times over the years.

Ew, no. Stop.

She means that you're literally a dog.

You put a dog filter on your head.

Oh, shoot. Okay, hold on.

Um, yeah. Just turn that off.

Mm-kay. Is that better?

I mean, you can see the screen too, right?

That's clearly not better.

( Sighs ) Geez Louise.

Okay, Garry.

Ben and I are doing a media blitz to give people an update on where things stand.

So, I don't know. Maybe we could add in some Pawnee outlets. You know?

And remind people about the official health guidelines and how important it is to stay connected.

That would be awesome.

It is just so important that the people hear from their trusted leaders.

You know in a... in a crucial time and a crucial moment in our history bec...

( Holding back tears ) I'm sorry. I'm just getting a little emotional.

( Laughs, sniffs )

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

( Upbeat jazz music )

♪ ♪

Welcome to "At Home With Joan".

I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo.

Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman and current Deputy Director of the Department of the Interior, Leslie Knope.

Hi, Joan.

And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.

Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives, a Congressman.

Whatever s*x fantasy works for you two.

I'm not here to judge.

So, Joan, during this tough time, we just wanna make sure that people in Pawnee and across Indiana are making use of every available resource for support.

I agree with that.

Times like these remind me of why I got into news.

People need a voice that they can trust.

♪ Especially ♪
♪ One with the voice of an angel ♪
♪ A legend among icons ♪

Uh, Leslie and I just wanna make sure that people are focusing on their mental health as well as their physical health.

Especially those who live alone.

People who've spent a lot of time on their own without human contact.

Do you have someone you can talk to, Joan?

Yes. A few years ago, I accused Jennifer Lopez of stealing my look, and I got into quite a back and forth with her attorney.

No. Friends, Joan.

Look around.

I'm surrounded by friends.

Every night, I do a show for them called "Joan on Joan for Joan".

I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments like how I scored my EGOT.

You have an EGOT?

Yes.

I've been banned from all four ceremonies.

( Upbeat jazz music )

That's it for today.

The show is two minutes long now.

All right. Byeee.

Hi. I'm Dennis Feinstein.

And if you're anything like me in these uncertain times, you're searching for a new scent or musk that also repels and eradicates any and all viruses.

Introducing Miracle Cure, the cologne proven to kill anything it comes in contact with.

How do I know that?

Because every single animal that smelled it, tasted, or ingested it died.

And what are viruses but tiny animals that live in your body?

I know what you're thinking.

Shouldn't this be tested out by "scientists", or looked at by "doctors"?

No. You should listen to me, Dennis Feinstein, and my rich friends.

We know what's best for you.

Miracle Cure.

( Upbeat music )

♪ ♪

Welcome to "Ya' Heard? With Perd".

I'm Perd Hapley, the Perd I mentioned a second ago when I was telling you the name of my show.

Now, here today are two people who are also my guests.

Leslie Knope from the Department of the Interior and Congressman Ben Wyatt.

Hi, Perd.

Hey, Perd. How are you?

I guess my first question is more of a query.

What did you want to talk about?

Well, Perd, self-quarantine can create a lot of anxiety.

It's important that we keep in touch with friends, we go on walks with loved ones, maybe explore a creative side.

I, for example, am polishing a script that just may be the most ambitious Claymation epic...

But... but... but... but... but what my husband I think is trying to say is that, you know, by any means possible, we should try to stay connected with each other.

I can't talk to my friends every day, but I try to check in with my best friend, Ann, who is smart and beautiful like a desert Fox.

That sounds scary.

She's actually volunteering as a nurse right now in Michigan.

Which is another way that people can feel useful. You know?

Please donate your time, your money, your expertise in any way you can.

We need everyone's help.

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

And the "it" that you heard was the things that these people just said.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

( Relaxing music )

Hello.

I'm Dr. Jeremy Jamm.

This is a very stressful time for all of us.

And I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing.

How am I, Dr. Jeremy Jamm, doing right now?

Well guess what. I'm doing great.

Gave myself this pretty sweet quarantine haircut.

Totally nailed it.

I'm also offering a brand new service...

Home Dental Delivery.

You give me your credit card.

I drop off at your house a bunch of needles, gauze pads, drills.

And then we'll get on the computer.

I'll walk you through your, uh, your root canal or whatever you got going on.

Is it legal? Probably.

Is it safe? That's up to you.

You eff this up, it's your own fault.

Jamm Orthodontia.

Now you can Jamm yourself.

Ooooo-OOOOOOO!

Well, hello.

Where have you been hiding, you sexy little beast?

It's your boy, Jean Ralphio.

And guess who just got run over by a Porsche?

( Cash register chimes )

This dude did not wanna go to court.

So I am flush with cash.

( Cash register chiming )

Saturated with bills.

First thing I did?

Obviously, I got this enormous house.

There is no furniture in here...

( Camera shutter clicking )

.. so everything echoes! ( Echoing )

Second thing I did with the racks on racks on racks...

I got some commercial time.

Now I know what you're thinking.

"Does he have a business? No, he doesn't have a business. So what is he advertising?"

Sha-boosh.

This is my personal phone number.

Call me anytime you want.

I am that bored.

And also, I have been banned from Cameo.

♪ For doing my videos naked ♪
♪ Naked ♪

Please call me.

I am very sad.

( Upbeat music )

And we are back.

Now, I understand you brought another guest who is someone who is not either of you.

That's right, Perd. Someone who used to be a very popular children's performer in Pawnee.

Jaaa, Johnny Karate!

Whaa! Haaah!

We asked Johnny to come on your show and speak to the children of Pawnee.

Chuuh. That's right, children.

Listen, I know things are weird now.

You're at home. You... miss school. Ha!

How strange is that? You actually miss school.

Your parents are home as well, and they're trying to teach you and it turns out they can't teach you jack because they are so dumb.

Well, kids, Johnny Karate wants you to know you must stay strong and be nice to your parents.

Also... chh, chh... these... wash them.

Wash your hands.

And I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm a 38-year-old man, and I've literally never once washed my hands in my entire life.

Andy, have you never washed your hands before?

Point is, if we pull together, you and I can karate... chop... this... virus! Whhhh!

Things will go back to normal.

They just have to, and... it might not be today.

It might not be tomorrow.

It might not be next week.

Might not be a year or a hundred years or a thousand years.

It might never happen.

Dude.

But it will eventually.

Boys, girls, this is Johnny Karate signing out.

Chhha! Waai-chi-iii!

( Groans ) Ohh...

Oh, when I did the kick, I pulled something kinda...

Johnny, we can still see you.

Oh, right in my butthole.

Thank you, Johnny Karate for that very inspiring and confusing message.

I am now gonna close this little box that you're in and look at some funny photos of doggies.

( Beep, chime )

What?

( Spraying sounds )

Ron? Where are you? I can't see you.

Good evening, Leslie.

Wow, you're really taking that protective gear suggestion to heart.

We're just dealing with a little bit of an incident.

Earlier this evening, Diane and I took a hike in the woods to take in the sunset from atop a nearby crest.

Okay. That sounds nice.

It was. Unfortunately, upon our return, we discovered that a particularly nasty little forest varmint had broken into the cabin.

What?!

Hi, Leslie.

Oh, my God, is that Tammy 2?

Yep. Apparently, she's been camping outside this whole time, waiting for just the right moment to strike.

I think her intention was to join us in our marital bed...

Mm-hmm.

Eew!

And then, what, wrap a piano wire around my throat?

Uh-uh-uh!

Oh, apparently... not my throat.

Ha ha ha ha!

What? Eew! Eew-eew-eew!

In any case, I subdued her rather easily and Diane tied her to this chair.

We were in the middle of sterilizing the place with bleach when you called.

What are you gonna do with her?

I'll probably put a note around her neck and leave her down at the fire station.

How are you holding up?

Not so great.

You know, I just feel guilty that I can't check in more.

You can't? You forced us all into a daily phone tree.

But I can only talk to one person at a time.

And sometimes those people are talking to each other without me... it's torture!

( Phone chimes )

Ohh, okay, I have to take that.

All right... I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Just make sure you call the next person.

( Disconnect chime )

Hey. Who were you supposed to call this time?

I don't care.

I have an idea, and I need your help.

'Kay.

( Continues drumming )

( Phone chimes )

Hi.

Hey. So I've been reading over my screenplay...

And it's nonsense?

Yeah!

I mean, I don't even remember writing some of this.

I think I need to pay more attention to my mental and emotional health.

Me too.

( Phone rings )

Oh, okay, hold on.

I'm getting another call.

Oh, uh, merge it.

Trust me.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, guys!

( Overlapping chatter )

What's going on here?

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

It finally happened!

Leslie, you said you needed something to lift your spirits, so Andrew... take it away.

( Guitar chords )

( Gasps )

♪ Up in horsey heaven ♪
♪ Here's the thing ♪

Every time with this song.

Wyatt!

Here we go.

♪ Trade your legs for angel's wings ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Once we go all said good-bye ♪

This is a long song.

Shut up, Ben!

♪ You take a runnin' leap and you learn ♪
♪ To fly ♪
♪ Bye-bye little Sebastian ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Miss you in the saddest fashion ♪
♪ Bye-bye, little Sebastian ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're 5,000 candles in the wind ♪

I'm gonna run out my entire battery.

( Sighs )

♪ Though we all miss you every day ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We know you're up there eatin' Heaven's hay ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And here's the part that hurts ♪
♪ The most ♪
♪ Humans cannot ride ♪
♪ A ghost ♪

Everybody sing it now!

♪ Bye-bye, little Sebastian ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I miss you in the saddest fashion ♪
♪ Bye-bye ♪
♪ Little Sebastian ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're 5,000 candles ♪
♪ In the wind ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Maybe some day we'll saddle up again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I know I'll always miss ♪
♪ My horsiest friend ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪
♪ Spread your wings and fly ♪

( All whooping, cheering )

Oh, that was amazing!

Someone needs to stop me before I accidentally say this is the best month of my life.

Thank you, everyone.

Bye!

Bye, everyone.

Bye! Bye, best friends!

Bye-bye!

Thank you very much for doing this for me, Ron.

It was easy. I just called all your friends and told them I thought you needed a little help.

They cleared their schedules.

I miss you very much, and I Love you.

Now, go take Tammy to the fire station.

We actually just covered her in deer fat and left her out for the wolves.

Ron!

Don't worry.

She's fine. She chewed through her ropes and went running off into the night.

I'm actually a little worried for the wolves.

Leslie... don't spend all your time looking after other people.

Look after yourself once in a while.

That's good advice. I'll call you tomorrow.

I'm sure you will.

( Phone chimes )

Leslie, can you help me fix my computer?

Damn it, Garry!

Thank you for watching, everyone, and if you can, please donate to Feeding America at the website below or any other charity that supports front line healthcare workers, food insecure people, or citizens in need.

And if you need to talk to someone, contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness at nami.org or any other organization designed to help us through this tough time.

Stay safe and hang in there. We love you.

We love you.

Stay safe.

God bless you, stay safe.

( Overlapping chatter )

Stretch!

Stay healthy, stay sane.

This is... kind of weird.