s01e04 - Emily Dates a Henchman

So, apparently Two Face was able to make our impenetrable safe quite penetrable.

Didn't these high-res infrared security cameras pick up anything?

Mm-mm. His henchman covered them with paper bags.

Okay, we can't think of everything.

Well, luckily, Batman caught him.

Oh, I love that guy.

He's got a tricked-out ride, blows money on expensive belts, always in a feud with a guy that dresses like a pimp.

You know, he's basically like a rapper that saves lives.

Yeah, like Macklemore.

No. Not like Macklemore.

Ron, you got to check this out.

[Epic music]

Sweet mother of Mary.

Is that a Batarang?

[Whooshing]

[Gasps]

Both: Dibs!

Mine. My Batarang.

Mine. Mine.

My Batarang. My Batarang.

You don't like him like I like him!

My Batarang!

[Heroic music]

♪ ♪

[Upbeat music]

So, you're walking down the street when suddenly Jack-O-Lantern hits you with a flaming ball of fire...

[Imitating Jack-O-Lantern] Citizens of Charm City!

Who likes crime brulée?

But thanks to our new indestructible cell phone case, your phone is perfectly fine.

As long as you don't drop it directly on the screen.

Yeah.

Cool. Great work, guys.

Do you want us to leave you alone?

No. She wants you to ask about the paper she's staring at.

Well, since you asked, it's an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding.

But I am perfectly okay with it.

Good! That's a healthy attitude.

She's not okay with it, numb-nuts.

She's already stalked the new girl's Facebook page to 2012.

Ohh.

Wow.

Is she a supermodel?

No, she's not.

And she only does print.

Mm-mm.

She should do more.

You know, we met in grad school.

I mean, we backpacked through Asia together.

I mean, his racist grandfather even started warming up to me.

The acceptance of a racist grandfather is still my white whale.

I honestly thought we were going to get married.

And then one day out of nowhere, he just says he couldn't do this anymore.

And now I can't do this anymore.

You have been here for six months.

All you do is work. You need to meet a guy.

Someone who will make you his problem and not ours.

Why don't you just go out tonight, maybe get a couple drinks in you, chat up a few gentlemen callers?

Ron and I probably shouldn't join.

Our palpable masculinity would scare off potential suitors, obviously.

[Laughs] Obviously.

Obviously.

Obviously.

Obviously.

So, it would just be me, Jackie, and Wendy.

A little...

Don't say it.

Girls' night out!

Yeah!

[Clattering]

[Giggles]

What are you doing?

If you so much as lay a finger on my action figures, I will sick my lawyers on you, you son of a bitch.

Yes!

I will see you this Sunday at brunch, Mother.

[Whooshing]

Holy Bananas Foster, it's Batman!

Your Batarang...

Did I see a Batarang fly in here?

You mean this one?

Oh-ho!

Are you a Batman fan too?

A fan? Hardly.

Let me tell you a story that will shake you to your core.

The year is 2003, the season summer.

I'm sitting in my Maybach listening to "Hey Ya" on the radio.

Ohh.

Mmm.

I'm shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

And then suddenly, the Batmobile flies out of nowhere and takes off my side-view mirror!

Batman didn't even stop!

He just kept chasing after this semi full of warheads to help some orphanage!

Were the orphans okay?

Who cares? They're orphans.

It's a hard-knock life. They can live on $1 a day, but my side-view mirror?

That cost $30,000 to fix.

I'm gonna get him to pay when he comes back for this.

Batman has hundreds of Batarangs.

He's not gonna come back for this one.

Batman never leaves anything behind, including insurance information.

No. He puts a GPS on all of his stuff.

He doesn't want the technology getting out there.

[Batarang beeps]

[Gasps]

Ooh.

Yes! Excuse me.

[Clears throat]

I know you can hear me, Dork Knight.

[Groans]

You better bring your checkbook and a prepared statement I can turn in to Geico.

I am so glad you guys convinced me to go out.

Ooh! Should we take a picture?

Yeah.

No.

#HiHaters.

[Camera clicks]

Wait, who are the haters?

I don't know.

Huh.

Ooh, how about some margaritas for me and my señoritas?

Okay.

Hey, look. A man.

[Gasps] He just smiled at you.

We would not be at all offended if you wanted to leave us and go talk to him.

Ugh. There's no guys at this bar for me.

How could you possibly know that?

Well, ironic mustache, un-ironic mustache, flip-flops in a bar... gross.

Eating mozzarella sticks with a fork.

Oh, has a Blackberry.

Looks like my old dog that died, which is already making me kind of sad.

And went to Arizona State.

Wow. You're like Jason Bourne if he was destined to die alone.

I just know what I want.

And I don't need to settle.

It's not like I'm 30... dollars in debt.

Don't want to start a relationship in the red.

Good save.

Well, I tried. I'm gonna go.

If I leave now, I can still get home in time to not be here.

Who am I gonna make out with?

Hey.

[Giggles]

Yo! Hold up.

Did we go to Arizona State together?

I'm pretty sure we had bio. Like...

Hey, bro!

Heard they started a beer pong tournament outside.

What?

Yeah.

You got about two minutes until he works out there is no beer pong.

[Laughs] Thanks.

I'm Emily.

Dan.

Did you just get here?

Yeah. I just got out of the ER.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I am. I'm better than okay.

I'm a doctor.

Oh.

My team's actually putting the finishing touches on this indestructible phone case.

Wow. That seems like overkill.

Try and break it.

I dare you.

Okay, we still haven't figured out waterproofing.

Ah.

Can I see your phone?

Are you gonna drop it in a beer?

[Chuckles]

Ohh.

The... the picture on the home screen is just a joke.

I don't really like "Gilmore Girls."

I mean, unless... Unless you also like them, in which case I'm Team Jess.

[Giggles]

Okay, I don't normally give out my number, but I have a good feeling about you.

Text me.

[Light playful music]

♪ ♪

[Giggles]

[Dramatic musical sting]

[Tense music]

♪ ♪

Here's a little message from The Riddler.

Oh, my God, Jackie.

I just met the most amazing guy.

[Upbeat music]

Which picture do you like?

The one where I look good and he looks okay, or the one where he looks really good and I... oh, I still look good.

Posting a photo on Instagram to let your ex know that his engagement hasn't affected you at all?

So, I'll just lose the hashtag "traded up."

But I actually do really like Dan.

I told you. I'm not picky.

I just know what I want.

So, when do we get to meet Mr. Perfect?

Oh, it's Dr. Perfect, and, uh... oh, right now.

All right, obviously I'll just let him know that we're friends so he's not threatened by our relationship.

Obviously.

Obviously.

Obviously.

What?

Hey, everyone. I'm Dan.

How you doing? You ready to go?

Yeah. Let me just get my stuff.

[chuckles]

That must be Wendy.

Yeah.

Hey, is it cool if we eat early?

I got to work tonight.

Oh, my God! What happened to your face?

Oh, I, um, I fell off my bike and onto a rock.

Was the rock shaped like Green Lantern's ring?

Who knows?

Sometimes pancakes look like Jesus.

[Both laugh]

We should go.

Okay.

Umm, you dropped your skullcap.

Ah.

We're just friends.

So...

Emily's dating a henchman, right?

Yeah, big time.

Yep. We got to tell her.

Well, hold on. I mean, he's just a low-level henchman.

I dated one in college.

It's basically like dating a bass player.

Maybe you're right. I mean, it is probably just a fling.

It'll flame out or he'll die.

Just like dating a bass player.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

What the hell are you doing?

Waiting for Batman.

And you put out milk and cookies?

He's not Santa Claus.

You don't know that.

They both hang out on rooftops.

They do.

[Laughs] You wore a Batman shirt to meet Batman?

Yeah. Celebrities love it.

I wore my Bateman shirt when I met Jason Bateman.

And how did he react to that?

Mm, kind of befuddled, but that's sort of his shtick.

He knows who he is.

Okay, let me give you a little Celebrity 101, Ron.

When you meet one, you got to play it cool.

You got to act like you might not even know who Batman is.

Gentlemen.

Oh, my God! It's him!

'Sup?

You... [Coughing]

I'm sorry. I had something stuck in my throat.

You need to play it cool, Teddy.

This Japanese school girl routine...

It's blocking my swagger. [Squeaking]

I can't have you scaring 'em off.

We have business.

He's never gonna pay you the...

[Squeaking]

Wait... why are you squeaking when you walk?

[Squeaks]

And why are your nipples protruding?

It's cold.

Um, I mean, I think the real question is: why aren't yours?

Is that a cape hanging out the back of your pants?

Because I'm going to the opera.

I'm late. Exeunt.

Something's not right here.

Mm-hmm.

He's got a cape, unusually pointy nipples.

You don't think Van's...

A Mexican wrestler?

I was gonna say, "Hiding something," but your theory makes perfect sense.

We're gonna get to the bottom of this.

♪ ♪

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

Happy Friday, everybody!

Anyone have any exciting weekend plans?

I'm taking my grandpa back to the escape room.

Oh, that's cool. He's into those?

No. It's just what he calls the nursing home.

He solved it again.

Oh.

Oh, well, I have some very exciting weekend plans.

Dan's picking me up after work and taking me away for the weekend to his boss's house.

He says it's carved into the side of a mountain.

[Squeals] Fun!

Um, are you sure you're ready for that?

Uh, ready for a weekend away in a remote location with no cell reception?

Uh, yeah! We've been dating a couple of weeks.

You know, there's a lot to do right here in Charm City.

You know, maybe check out the new food court at the mall, or the churro spot next to the police station, or really anywhere else extremely public and well-lit.

I like that.

Guys, I appreciate the concern, but things are going great.

I mean, check this out.

Aww! That's so sweet!

I bet he stole it from somewhere really nice.

What?

You're dating a henchman.

A henchman? What are you talking about?

Okay, all Jackie's trying to say is that Dan performs a variety of henching services for super villains on a for-hire basis.

Guys, come on. You met him once.

[Keys clacking]

All right, look. "Five Signs You're Dating a Henchman."

He's got all these.

It's not your fault.

Charm City's just crawling with henchmen.

It's an easy way to make cash.

Yeah. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

It just means that he's a bad guy.

No, he's not. Trust me.

I know how to pick guys, and he is great.

I mean, he's taking me away on a romantic weekend to his boss's house at the top of beautiful Skull Mountain.

And he says there's an amazing shark tank and a ruby laser that shoots... all the way to the moon and...

Oh, my God, I'm dating a henchman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ugh.

[Quirky tense music]

♪ ♪

You've angrily stormed out here three times, so I'm assuming you want to talk?

He lied to me. He's a liar.

Hey, at least you got a nice bracelet out of it.

All I got from my ex was a kid with a serious ADD problem.

Just let it go.

No! When my ex-boyfriend dumped me, I found out he'd been cheating on me with that print model.

And do you know what I did? Nothing.

I took the high road, and it felt like crap!

Now they're getting married, and I have to buy them a pizza stone.

You're getting them something?

Well, they sent me an invitation.

It's proper etiquette.

No, but things have changed.

For the first time ever, Emily Locke is taking the low road.

That henching son of a bitch has no idea what's coming.

Uh, this is my first time down the low road, so I'm gonna need your help.

[Sighs]

[Sighs] Show time.

[Forced laugh] See you later, Teddy.

Whoa! Clumsy me.

I just slipped and fell.

[Scoffs] Please. I invented the "pretend to fall and grab a pair of breasts" move.

I had two au pairs quit over it.

Yes, pun intended.

What's your game?

Those pecs aren't real.

You're wearing something under the suit.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you must know, follow me.

[Clears throat]

[Clears throat]

Heh-ho!

Aah!

Oh, my God. You're Robin?

Yes. No. Well, not yet.

Maybe. Just... okay, let me ask you something.

What is the best part about being a superhero?

Protecting those who can't protect themselves.

No. It's about being famous and wearing cool-ass costumes.

That's why I had this made by my rubbersmith.

I had no idea you were a closet superhero fan.

Who's your top ten?

This is more than that.

You actually think Batman is gonna look at you, a middle-aged man who pulled his back last week sneezing, and say, "Hey, there's my new Boy Wonder"?

This guy gets it! Yes.

And then once we have a good working relationship...

I don't know... I'm thinking I might bring up the Maybach thing.

Quick question.

Yeah?

You are aware two Robins have supposedly died on the job?

Hm, high turnover. I'm in.

[Dramatic music]

[Sighs]

What's more insulting: jack-off or jag-off?

Uh, neither one's great.

I'll just say this: I've told off a lot of crappy men.

It's like a Vegas buffet.

You will feel terrible afterwards.

Yeah, but it feels great while you're eating it.

Ooh, I can't wait to tear this guy a new...

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, babe.

What are we still doing here? It's been an hour.

Okay, Batman's not gonna come to the office, so we have to meet him in his office: the cover of night.

Well, so far I've just seen a guy get a handy, and I'm fairly certain that wasn't Batman.

Why are you watching a guy getting a handy?

Why is that your takeaway?

I just want to know.

Would you nerds go stand over there?

You're embarrassing me.

[Batarang beeping]

Oh, my God, it's beeping.

[Gasps]

Shut up, idiots.

My Robin sense tells me that someone is approaching.

[Clattering, cat yowls]

Yeah. We all heard it.

You can hear that?

Both: Yeah.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God, it's him!

[All giggling]

Oh, God, that's not him.

That's not him.

Not at all him.

Uh, Boy Wonder, you got this?

Uh, hi, um, you know what rhymes with "java"?

Lava!

[Grunts]

Oh, my God, that was an iced coffee.

I have just made him very angry.

All right, um, guys, get 'em out. Come on.

Here you go. Here you go.

Give it up. Cough it up.

Forgot my wallet.

You did not. He's got money in his shoe.

Keeps it in his sock.

[Chuckles] There you go.

Forgot about that.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Crazy busy tonight.

Aw, were you working in the ICU?

No.

Because I see you, and you're a liar!

Good Lord.

What are you talking about?

I know you're a henchman, Dan, if that's even your real name.

All right, fine. I'm a henchman.

[Scoffs]

And my name's Reggie.

Oh!

And I know what you're thinking: not a lot of white guys named Reggie.

No, that's not what I was thinking, but I guess that's true.

Now I have some things to say to you, and you're gonna stand here and listen to them.

Actually...

I'm not.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Please tell me this is a Japanese game show.

Enjoying the low road?

[Dark music]

I really have to thank you, Emily.

I told The Riddler about your cell phone cases, and he's having us steal them so he can use them to build a tank to attack Arkham Asylum.

Why, unprompted, did you just tell us your entire evil plan?

I don't know. It's just a thing we do.

Hey, for the record, I do like you.

I'm just really focused on my career right now.

Ugh.

Ooh, that is one of the things that you said you looked for in a man.

Just so you know, we're through, Dan!

Mm, I think he knows.

[Sighs]

[Batarang beeping]

You have a good night now.

The joke's on him.

I only had $2,000 in my wallet.

I can't believe we thought this would work.

All right, let's face it. We're not gonna meet Batman.

[Grunts]

You know what? I bet this stupid Batarang isn't even real.

[Distant screaming]

[Whooshing]

Teddy?

What?

Where's the Batarang?

It's right here.

[Gasps]

[Laughter]

Batman, you only owe me 28,000 now!

We met Batman.

We met Batman?

Met Batman! Yeah!

We met Batman.

All: We met Batman!

We met Batman! We met Batman!

I don't know how this keeps happening.

This?

Well, not this, but meeting guys who seem great and then turn out to be lying pieces of garbage.

I thought my system was perfect.

I make a list of all the qualities I'm looking for in a guy, assign each one a point value, and if that number exceeds 200...

Can I make a suggestion? Burn that list.

It's in the Cloud, so I can't really do that.

You're 25. You can't hold yourself to a list, because you don't even know what you want.

And even when you do, you're still gonna date a bunch of terrible guys and have horrible things happen.

Until I meet the right one?

Sure.

Or just one who's a really good liar.

That's what I'm aiming for.

Look. Just because you can't avoid all the dirtbags, that doesn't mean you don't deserve better.

Aww. Thanks, Jackie.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to backwards-hug you.

If I don't want your front hugs, what makes you think I want your back ones?

Okay. Sorry.

Okay. We're done here.

So you're going to let us go?

Well, I asked the boss what he wanted us to do with you, but he answered in the form of a riddle.

Couldn't quite figure it out.

Hmm. What a shock.

What has no legs, but never stops running?

A nose?

A refrigerator?

A river.

Oh! He wants us to throw them in the river.

Smooth.

I told you she was smart.

Would you like to tell us your SAT scores?

Okay, shh.

I guess I should get that bracelet back.

[Scoffs]

[Elevator bell dings]

It's Robin. Batman must be here!

[Henchmen clamoring]

Go! Go!

That was weird.

Jackie, get a pair of scissors, cut me out of this suit.

Emily, why are you still at work?

Get a boyfriend or something.

Even just a hobby.

[Sighs]

All right, this is, like, a freaky alley, and it is pitch black.

We didn't want to be there, but we had to be there.

Then these guys... I mean...

It was you. It was you.

It was all of us.

It was an effort together.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Pretending to listen to their story and returning this pizza stone for store credit.

Atta girl.

All right, so this bad guy's got Batman dead to rights.

And we're like, "Get your hands off our friend!"

"Get 'em off!" And then with that, he sees us, and then he turns around and he runs.

See ya!

[Laughing]

Yeah.

Huh.

That obviously never happened.

Obviously.

Obviously.

Let... come on...

Obviously.

Obviously.