04x06 - Lice

( Plays a tune on ukulele )

♪ Can you do the statue dance ♪
♪ The statue dance the statue dance ♪
♪ When I sing this song ♪
♪ You dance along ♪
♪ And when I stop ♪

You freeze!

( Kids giggle )

Everybody was very good, except for Forrest.

Forrest, you moved. Okay!

( Plays ukulele )

Kate: Oh Charlie, are you ready for camp?

Are you ready for camp?

Oh jeez, I'm trying to drive here.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I keep remembering, and I get so pumped!

We're goin' to Banff, baby!

Whaaat? We're gonna be on a mountaintop!

Let's get away, ditch these kids!

Let's have s*x, remember that whole thing?

Jeez. Yes, we need to do that.

( Val strums chords, kids giggle )

♪ Can you do the statue dance ♪
♪ The statue dance the statue dance ♪
♪ When I sing this song you dance along... ♪
♪ And when I stop you freeze! ♪

Kate: Did you make dinner reservations?

Nathan: Months ago, when I booked the trip.

And I also reserved plenty of time for... sandwich making.

( Gasps )

Pass the baloney sandwich.

I'll get you the mortadella.

Right away. Mm!


♪ When I sing this song you dance along ♪
♪ And when I stop you freeze! ♪

Beatrice, statues don't scratch.

( Slow motion ) Oh sh1t.

( Ominous thud, bell tolls )

( Slow motion ) Liiiiiiice!

What the f*ck?

What the...

Nathan: Kate, they said it's the worst outbreak the camp has ever seen.

No, I mean, this is pointless, he wasn't even there.

We need a professional second opinion.

I'm calling the Lice Lady. She has a mobile delousing service.

Eleanor: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock!

Hi, Mom.

I brought the keys for the timeshare, and can you keep your eyes peeled for a pair of handcuffs, Barry seems to think he left them behind.

Hey, bud.

Oh, what are these?

What, are you auditioning for "Bitter Spinster, the Musical?"

Excuse me, I am in Future Magazine's "Top 40 Under 40" feature.

Kind of impressive, your daughter, huh?

Do you have to pose nude?

What?! No!

Oh. Well, you can't use these.

No one wants a severe-looking woman, Kate.


Oh! I can't get through.

See you at the airport?

Can't wait.

Muah! Oh, I'll text you the Lice Lady's number, don't forget to call her. I gotta go to court. Bye!

Kate: Sure.

Lice? What? What lice?

Yeah, that's why Charlie's camp was canceled, there was a lice outbreak there.

sh1t, I gotta go.

No, no, no! Where are you going?

You can't leave me here for the weekend like this!

Oh please, I'm like, 75% sure he doesn't have it.

75%? Katie!

I just had my roots done! Gosh!

Kate: I love you, bye!

( Door slams )

( Ominous music )

Anne: Okay, so we shampoo her head with this.

And then we carefully comb her hair in all directions with this, to remove the nits.

Okay. What's a nit?

Uh... ( Gags ) they're eggs.

Oh. Ugh.

You scratched your head!

What? No, I didn't.

Yes, you did!

You have it!

No, I don't.

Okay, that's it! Pick her up! Down to the basement.

Jayme, honey, you're gonna go downstairs with Daddy, okay?


What are you doing?!

You are under quarantine until you've been deloused.

Let me know when you're done the treatment, I have work to do. And wash your clothes!

Man, Mummy's crazy.

Frankie: I don't think we'll have any trouble getting what we're asking for this.

Is there anything else I should know before we uh, before we show it?

I showed you the new water heater, and then the repairs to the veranda, I told you my wife died here, and you saw the remodel of the carriage house.

Your-your wife died here?

Uh, yes.

Why, is that bad?

No, I um...

She wasn't murdered, or anything awful like that.

She died naturally when she slipped, getting out of the tub, and... hit her head on the floor.

Oh my... that is awful.

I can't imagine what it would've been like to have found her.

The police found her. I was away at the time.

The neighbors reported it when they saw the raccoons going in and out of the bathroom window.


Yes. They were um... feasting on...

Ohhhh! Oh man, sorry.

Look, the other real estate agents told me you don't have to tell a buyer about a death unless they ask.


But they always ask!


People are morbid.

Leave it to me.

I'll find someone to love this house the way you and your wife loved it for so many years.


Here we have the master bathroom.

Lily: Oh! I've always wanted a soaker tub!

You'd be liable to kill yourself gettin' out of that.

( Laughs )

The vanity and all the fixtures are original to the home.

Uh, there's a big crack in the floor.

Someone must've smashed something pretty good.

I know a great tile guy.

Well, nice windows, lots of light.

Are those claw marks on the sill?

They had a-they had a cat.

Yeah, a big, big one.

Did it die?

No, nobody died.

You said they "had" a cat.

Oh, well, they still do.

You got a great view back there of the patio.

Oh gosh, can you imagine yourself down there, flipping some burgers, hey, Dennis?

He's a vegetarian.

I don't eat anything with a face.

You know, it'd be great if we could chat about the particulars of the house with the owners.

Oh yeah, do you think they're the kind of people who would be into that?

Totally, they're great.

Just full of life, busy professionals with kids, like yourselves, so, no harm in asking.


( Cell phone buzzes )

Hey, G.

Giselle: Rhoda has lice from dirty camp!

What? Well, did you call the Lice Lady?

She's completely booked. She laughed at me, Frankie! Laughed!

Okay, well, I'll do Rhoda myself.

You know how?

For sure, you grow up with a mane like mine, you learn how to deal with a few mice in the rafters.


Okay, see you soon.

( Eerie music )


Kate: Oh! Maya, these are amazing!

Thanks, I told Chris to come post-practice, so his relaxation was more authentic.

Honestly, I cannot believe you got Chris Gomes, Richard.

Craig is gonna flip over these shots!

All I can see is girl hair!

Could you wear pigtails, or something?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!

Maya, you nailed it. We'll let you know our favorites by the end of the week.

That works.

Great, and you know what? Speaking of favorites... which executive headshot should I use for my "40 Under 40" interview?

Maybe this one?



You don't really look like yourself.

What do you mean? Oh, 'cause my mouth is closed.

Yeah, it's kind of an unnatural state for these lips.

Oh yeah, they're not really regular up and down lips, are they? They're more like flesh... drapes.

Yeah, you know, I have a travel bag with a busted zipper that reminds me of your smile.

Thanks for the feedback guys, please leave.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, don't sweat the interview.

They just wanna sing your praises, trust me.


Ah, maybe I should forgo using a pic, just use an avatar, like, a bunny with a briefcase, or something.

( Chuckles )

Just let me take your picture.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My makeup's not right.

And my outfit's not like, executive enough, and my mouth is well... well, it's forever weird.

Your makeup is fine, your clothes are great, and your mouth is beautiful.

Thank you, but... someone at a lipstick counter the other day told me I was brave.


Wait, what? Oh!


What do you mean, gotcha?

That's what I'm talking about!



Now we can take some pictures. That's very relaxed.

It was that easy. Let me just take a few more, alright?

Okay, alright, yeah. I'll do one where I close my mouth.

( Dishes clink )

( Door opens )

Hey, this is Bobby.

We're just gonna hang out.

Yeah, you should've asked me before you invited a friend over, but... but that's fine, that's cool.

( Alexa chimes )

Lionel: Anne, we're hungry. Please feed the people under the stairs.

Ah, Dad and Jayme have lice.

So I put them in the basement for now.

Just order a pizza!

Let's go upstairs.


You know, people think that squirrels aren't smart, but they are, instinctually.


My door is always open, if you and Bobby ever be ready to... find a nut.

Bobby's gay.

Okay. That's great.


Yeah. Okay!

Guys, go have fun. Have a great time.

So I thought we could do the interview in here, a little less white noise.

It certainly is very... white out there.

So in the past, the "40 Under 40" interviews have focused on the success story.


I'm interested in how you send the elevator back down.

Yeah, um, right.

Which-uh, which elevator?

So you've achieved a certain top-floor status, Oh.

...and that floor is mostly occupied by men.

How do you plan to send the elevator back down, to all of the women waiting for you at the bottom?

Uh well, I contribute to several causes, such as the East York Women's Health Centre.

( Phone buzzes )

I've also... donated some very nice pantsuits.

Um, I'm kidding about the pantsuits thing, but I...


I have donated several, which have been very nice.

Yeah, so that's not really what we're talking about here.

( Ominous music )



Sorry, is something bugging you?

Bugging? Um, hmm?

( Cell phone buzzes )

Would you excuse me for a second?

Excuse me.

( Clears throat )

Frankie! Thank God, hi.

Kate! Yeah, uh, I need to ask you a favor.

Oh my God, I would love to, but I'm in the middle of a serious lice crisis here.

What's the deal with the Lice Lady?

Well, she's overrated, and overbooked.

I treated Rhoda myself. You want me to treat Charlie?

Yes, and-and when you're done with that, um... would you please come to my office, I think I gave it to everybody here.

You gave it to the whole office?

Please do not judge me right now.

Okay, look, I'll do it, but you gotta promise me something in return.

Anything you want, okay? I-I will smuggle heroin up my butt, I will star in a lesbian p0rn.

What do you think my life is?

I don't know, wacky?

( Laughs )

Okay look, I'll be right over.

I love you, goodbye.

( Doorbell rings )

Anne! Pizza's here!

( Doorbell rings )

Uh, pizza, hang on, I gotta get pants!

( Door creaks )


Wet pants. My pants are wet. Hang on!

The door is open, I'm letting myself in!

( Door clicks shut )

Uh... you're not the pizza.

Good God! What's going on here?

Where's my son?

Bobby! Bobby!


Anne: I'm coming!


What the hell?!

I told you, you are not to hang out with Alice Carlson, and here you are at her house?!

What is going on?

I don't approve of my son spending time with girls who have a reputation like your daughter.

Mom, you're a psycho! Go back to the fabric store!


Well, I'm not surprised you're the last to know.

Well, hang on, what reputation? I'm comin' out!

No! Hey! Ah! Don't move!

What are you talking about?

"All Aboard Alice."


"All Aboard Alice!"

Your daughter's making her way through all the boys, and my son is not going to be one of them.

Alice, what is she...

Alice! Alice!

No, you don't!

Lady, what is your problem? He's gay!



Oh, don't pretend like I didn't tell you!

You just say that to be saucy.

He just says that to be saucy.

( Knocking ) Alice?

Alice honey, come on.

Alice: Please, Mom! Just leave me alone!


Um, you know-you know where to find me.

( Knocking )


Large Mediterranean?



Oh, sorry.

Hang on a sec, I'll get...

Do you wanna come down for the money, or?



( Ominous music )

Oh God. Eee!

You are the only thing keeping them from killing me right now.

There she is, the one with the cure!

No, no, no, do me first!

Oh boy.

Oh God, come on, hey! Richard, calm down!

f*ck you, and your dirty kid!

Okay?! This would never have happened at Gaze!

Please! I have the most beautiful hair of anyone here. It's true, right?

Just touch it!

It's all I have, please!

Just stop, Rosie.

I have a thick thatch of chest hair that's basically a lice superhighway to my crotch!


I have shampoo for you all!

In my office, let's go.

Anyone with lice, follow me, let's go!

Get in there, you maniacs.

( Door clicks )

Holy sh1t, it worked.

Can I come in?


Yeah, of course.

I kissed Chris Casey at that stupid party I threw at Kate's office. ( Sighs )


Then I got drunk.

Yeah, I remember.

And then I thought I kissed Chris again.

But it wasn't Chris.

It was Steven.

He-he kinda looked like Chris in the dark.

But... when I kissed Steven, he...

What honey, what happened?

He orgasmed.

What? How-how do you know that that's what happened?

Well, he made this really gross noise, and then he got all mad 'cause his pants were messed up.

( Sighs )

And then Steven told everybody we had s*x after I kissed Chris.

So Chris started saying they were "running a train" on me. ( Sighs )

And... I hate my life.

Oh honey, come here. Come here.

It's okay. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I rinsed, so I'm gonna go.

Ah, is the-is the interview over?

Because I feel like we didn't cover that much.

No, I-I got your bio. I'll pull something together.

It was nice to meet you.

Oh, okay, it's just, um...

Foster! Pack your bags.


I talked to Tru Air.

Apparently four hours of squash with a guy that puts the word "bored" in board member paid off.

They want to see us in New York this weekend.


Yeah, I know.

Bit of a miracle considering the colossal trash fire you let that ass-hat Bolinski toss them in.

Holy sh1t. Thank you.

But is there any way we can go on Monday?

I can't...

You can't what?

Win back your biggest client? Save your business?

Afford my salary?

You are very expensive, but apparently worth it.

I'm in.

Thanks, boss.

Well, the first time I said that out loud.

How the tables have turned, eh?

Your ah, boarding pass is in your inbox.

Thank you.

You used to work for him, and now you're his boss?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, that's a story I wanna cover.

Okay, hold on, so you do wanna keep doing the interview?

Because like, I'm gonna be real with you, I was really excited to do this piece, but I...

You realize I didn't build the glass ceiling, right?

I know, I'm sorry.

I just, I know so many capable women that can't even get into the lobby of a place like this.

And I wanna send the elevator down for them.

But as you can see, I'm spending most of my time just trying to climb up the shaft.

Don't-don't actually write that part down.

You know, what do you say we give this another shot?

Alright, come on. Hey, and while we're at it, maybe you could just drop the whole lice thing, 'cause that's not interesting.

Not a chance.


( Glove snaps )


Thank you for saving my ass.

( Beers open, hiss )



Mm! Now it's your turn.

Mm. Mhmm.

I need you and Nathan to help me stage a house in the Annex after work.

What, tonight?


Oh dude, I would love to, but ugh, I-I gotta tell Nathan that I have to cancel our trip tonight.

What? What happened to, I scratch your back, and you scratch mine?

Look, I am so close to closing.

I just need like, a normal... not dead, not old, couple to help me seal the deal with these buyers.

Please? Please? Please?

Kate: So this is uh, this is my house.

These days, everyone is all about this open concept thing, but you know what, I like rooms.

Ugh. Agreed. I like a room, too.

A bedroom, a bathroom, a... a great hall.

( Dennis and Lily laugh )

Does this fireplace work?


Hmm... totally, yeah, yeah, we use it all the time.

Really heats up the space.

Nathan built it by hand.


( Laughs )

Well, there's lots of schools in this neighborhood, uh, which one do your kids go to?

Our kids?

Yeah, they-they go to um...

The one on the corner.

Oh, the French one?



Oh yeah, okay, great. Thank you so much you, guys, why don't you show them upstairs, and uh...

Right, yes, yes, yes, just right this way.

Where the bedrooms are!

Yeah, bedrooms.

In fact, you know what, guys, why don't you get started without us, we'll be right up.


Have a nice tour.


We gotta wrap it up, or we're gonna miss our plane.

About that, um, how do you feel about not-not going?


Don't be upset, but I had to cancel our trip.

Dennis: How do you find the attic?


How do you find the attic?

Look for the hole.

Please don't be mad. I'm so sorry.


I have to go to New York tomorrow.

Dennis: Found it!

New York?

Yeah, it's kinda great, actually, Tru Air wants to have a meeting, and I think I can actually salvage this.

I can get them back.

Are you serious right now?

Lily: Are these windows double-glazed?

All the glaze you can get!

Can we fight about this later?

No! We agreed to start over, and now you're already sabotaging our relationship!

I'm sorry we can't have s*x at 30,000 feet.

Hey, that small door in the guest house, is that a crawlspace?

I don't f*ckin' know!

We'll be right up.

This isn't just about s*x.

It's about intimacy, and being friends, and working on this.

And all that matters to me, okay?

But my work is not just my job.

I am well aware that your job is everything.

It is putting a roof over your parents!

It's putting a roof over Richard, and burying us in debt!

If I didn't hire him, my business would sink, and you of all... you should just be amazingly grateful that I am willing to contribute to their house, after you...

After I slept with Mean Nanny. Right on time!

I'm so sorry.

How hard do I have to work?

How hard do I have to try, to redeem myself?

You are so f*cking dramatic, you know that?

Thank God we are in a Victorian house, because I do believe I need a fainting couch!

Go to hell!

I am already there!

Grr! How do I open this door?!

Oh God, just-how does the door handle work?

Knob to the left.

To the left, Nathan.

Weird house!

( Door slams )


Sorry, Frank.

( Door slams )

( Sighs )