s04e07 - Season 4, Episode 7


Mrs Marsh: Morning.

Hi, Mum.

Emma: Morning.

Did Brown Street drop the keys back in?

The new tenants are calling in later.



Did you update the listing?

Doing it now.

Oh, Emma?

Happy birthday.

( Yells ) No!




You were supposed to warn her!

I'm sorry, I forgot.

I didn't think she knew.

What's going on? Is it your birthday or not?

( Screams )

Please just stop!

What is going on?

Em's not a fan of her... B-day.

Happy birthday, Emma.

This is workplace harassment!

Fine. Next year, I'll tell you to jam it in your ear!

Is that so much to ask?

( Phone rings )


Girl: Happy birthday, Aunty Emma...

Piss off!

Wrong number.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ If we find ♪
♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪
♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

Don't forget to wash your hands after that.

I will wash one of them. And I won't tell you which one.

File that for me, will you?

Can do.

( Grunts )

What's wrong?

Bloody work experience kid made my coffee this morning.

It tastes like wet dog.

Why would you do work experience at the bakery?

Just get a job there if you love it so much.

What's your problem?

He's salty none of the kids wanted to do work experience here.

It's just, we can give them real-world experience in an industry that probably won't be taken over by robots.

I would have jumped at the chance when I was a kid.

You did do work experience here. You cried. Remember?

I think that's more of a reflection of your management style.

Oh, has anyone else got a problem, or is that it for the morning?

Mrs Marsh?




Hey, Gez.

Hey, mate.

If you're here to wish me anything, you can just turn around and leave.

Uh, no.

Oh. Then what's up?

Want to buy a house? Sell a house?

Build a house? 'Cause we don't do that one.

Uh, no.

Do you have a work experience kid here this week?

They're too busy learning how to make sh1t coffee.


He means we don't. Why?

Well, I was thinking, I've been working at the op shop for a while now, and I was considering... giving something else a shot.

Sorry, Gez, do you want to do work experience here?


Is that weird? Just for a day.

Well, I mean, it's meant for students, but...

I think it's a great idea.

Better than some teenager who doesn't appreciate their youth.

Plus, we can swear in front of you.

Uh, cool.

We should check with Mum.

( Yells ) Barbara, can Gez do work experience here?

I'm on the phone!

You're hired.


And this is where we keep our rental documents.

If someone is nice, I put a little tick on their folder.

If they're difficult, I put a red cross so I don't waste time being too nice.


Technically, we're supposed to treat everyone in a professional manner.

But some more professionally, if you get my drift.

Got it.

Hey, do you guys ever hire goons to collect late rent?

Uh, goon-hiring is a last resort.

( Doors open )


Uh, did you hurt yourself?

Amy! Uh, no.

No, I'm fine. Um, what are you doing here?

I mean... great to see you. What's... Hi.

That's how we greet people.

Hi, Amy.


I have something to tell you.

Do you want us to leave?

No. Why?

This sounds like it's personal.

It's not, but it is... embarrassing.

Uh, what's up?

I've... got an issue with my rental property.

Sorry, your rental?

Yeah. 11 Bayswater Road.

I signed a lease last week.

Barbara did the paperwork. Should I talk to her, or...

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's fine. I can... I can help. Very happy to.

I'm happy to help too. I'm doing work experience here.

I'm pretty busy. Nah, I can help.

Right. Well...

There's a painting in my room and I don't like it.

It's completely irrational, but it gives me the creeps.

The painting?

The creeps?

Yes. There's no other way to say it.

I just don't like looking at it... at night.

And during the day.

Well, can you take it down?

The landlord didn't want it moved.

Made it a clause in the lease, which obviously I signed, because it was just a painting.

And it still is.

But now it's a painting that's intimidating me.

That sounds awful. I really want to see it now.

Can you?

Yes, please!

Yes, please! Can we?

We'd be happy to have a look.

Great. Thanks.

I'm just on my way home now. Drop by when you can?

Will do.

And after we've sorted this, can we pretend like it never happened?

That what never happened?

Oh, not yet. After it's sorted.

Yeah, cool.


Em, could you please get out her file for me?



Is it normal to sleep with clients?

You told her?!

She guessed!

And you know how bad my poker face is. I tried!

I didn't know she was a tenant, Gez. At least, I didn't when we...

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

You're here to learn about real estate. That isn't work-related.

It's kind of work-related.

It's not.


Except a bit.

It's Emma's birthday.

You sh1t!

Oh, sorry, Em! Happy birthday!


You're welcome!

I'm really having fun learning about real estate, guys.



I don't know. I don't mind it.

I'm kidding. I hate it.

See? There's just something... awful about it.

It's got in my head. I hate it a little more every day.

We should burn it immediately.

Well, we can't burn it. It's the landlord's property.

I did try to take it down once, but it's glued or something.

Didn't want to damage the wall.

Have you tried covering it?

Uh-huh. With a sheet.

But somehow that made it worse. Like I was... I don't know...

Making it angry.

It sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Until today, I would have said yes.

I'll talk to the landlord and get this sorted.

Thanks. I really don't want to spend another night on the lounge.

Well, if you don't want to sleep on the couch, I'm sure that Daniel w...

..will get it sorted out.

Leave it with me.

( Wind blows eerily )

( Light buzzes )

( Dark, menacing music )

( Whispers ) They do that sometimes.

That was the worst painting I've ever seen. And I work in an op shop.

I don't see the big deal.

Who doesn't want to sleep next to a functioning portal to hell?

What if the landlord won't let her move it? Whose side are we on?

Well, technically, the landlord's, but...

If you've slept with the tenant...

Can you please stop bringing it up?

I'm just trying to learn, mate.

Fine. If the landlord says no, then...

Amy can break the lease and cop the cost of that or she can stay there and have her soul sucked out of her?

I'll talk to him. Her soul will be fine.

Hey, can you drop me at the op shop?

I should make sure my work experience kid is alright.

Are they there by themselves?

Yeah. It's work experience. I'm normally there by myself.


What's that over there? What's going on?

Step out of the car, please, sir.

I haven't done anything wrong, Greg.

Hi, Daniel. Yeah, I know. I'm just showing Jacob the ropes.

He's on work experience. Nice kid.

He's really keen. ( Chuckles )

Hi, you two.

Both: Hi, Greg.

OK, well, can you make it quick?


Sure. Thanks a lot. Really appreciate it.

Now, when you put these on, it's important to make 'em tight, but not too tight.

They may be a criminal, but they're still a person just like you and me.

Honestly, Greg, I have to get going...

You have the right to remain silent, sir.

That's very good.

Ordinarily, now we'd give him a breath test, but I left the machine at the station, so...

..just for some fun, we'll give him an old-fashioned sobriety test!

Yeah, I don't have time for this.

Uh... Should we tase him, Greg?

Nah, nah. That won't be necessary.

( Shouts ) Throw the book at him, Jacob!

( Ringing tone )

Still nothing?

I've tried three times. No answer.

So we can't do anything.

Well... I do have his address.

You're just gonna randomly turn up at a landlord's house?

I'm going to go over there and say hi and remind him that, as a valued client of McCallum Real Estate, I am also at his service, and... maybe mention the painting as a side note?

You want to sleep with Amy again, don't you?


Or go on a date. Or several dates.

You can just ask her on a date without fixing the painting thing.

I know, but it'll give me more confidence.

Also, that painting is terrible and I... don't think I could... perform in the same room as it.

( Phone chimes )


Another B-day message?

( Sighs )

Can't people take a hint?

I haven't celebrated my birthday in years.

I don't put it on my socials. I hate it!

Yeah, but people care about you. They think they're doing a nice thing.

Birthdays were fun when I was 14 and it was all Tamagotchis and... rollerblades...

You still like that stuff.

Yeah, but I'm not supposed to.

The older I get, the less my personality is appropriate.

So is that why you don't like B-days?

It is one of the many reasons. I just need to get through this day.

Well, do you want to come watch me make an idiot of myself in front of a landlord because I slept with their tenant?


( Doors open )

Excuse me. Is there a, uh... Emma Dawes here?

She died!

I was kind of expecting gargoyles out the front or something.


At least some lightning. "Pew, pew!"

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

( Knocks )


Hi. You must be Ken.

Uh, I'm Daniel and this is Emma. We're from McCallum Real Estate.

The house place.

OK. What are you doing here?

Fair question.

Uh, we hadn't met you yet, so we thought we'd come round and introduce ourselves, say hi.

Just part of the service.

It's part of your service to visit me unannounced and say hi?

Yeah. And if there's anything we can do for you, let us know.

Not show up unannounced.

You got it.

But thank goodness we did, otherwise we would never know not to.

We did try and call.

Yeah, I have my phone on silent whenever I'm rehearsing.

Didn't realise you'd take that as an invitation.

Sorry. Um, do you have a few moments for a chat?

Suppose it is rare to get such personalised service nowadays.

Alright. Come in.

Thank you.

What were you rehearsing?

I've landed a role in a short film.

It's a student production, but the student in question has been getting extremely good grades and I think she's gonna go far when she graduates.

Great. Does she need any extras?

Or leads? I'm open to both.

It's full.

Just a quick update.

Your tenant, Amy, is really looking after the property.

That's good.

Yeah, she just has a small request.

She was wondering if you wouldn't mind if she moved that painting in the bedroom.

I know it's in the lease, so I thought we should ask you directly to make sure you wouldn't mind.



No as in no, she can't move it.



She can't move that painting. It's in the lease.

Don't you read your own contracts?

Most of them.

Ken, she's not asking to remove it completely.

She just wants to know if it can be... somewhere else.

Like... another room or... a shed...

And I've said no.

It's really freaking out the tenant.

And me when I saw it. And our work experience kid.

A kid!

Even if I wanted to move it, I couldn't.

It's a family heirloom.

My great-grandmother painted that picture right before she passed away.

She was a... talented woman.

Thank you.

She loved that painting and that house.

And that was her room back in the day.

That painting means a lot to me and my family, and I won't allow it to be moved.

In some ways, I like to think she's a part of the painting.

She's part of the painting?

Ken, I will personally guarantee no damage comes to it.

I've said I don't want it touched, and that's that.

Or do I need to find new agents?


( Car horn honks )

We should go.

We left our work experience kid in the car.

I'm sorry, Gez. I thought you'd let it slip that I slept with Amy.

Yeah, I probably would have.

So? Was he a weirdo?

Was his house full of scary stuff?

Creepy dolls, goats' heads?

You've got to give me something. I was very patient in the car.

No. And he won't let us move the painting.

Because it's cursed.

( Phone rings )


Amy, hi.

You're on speaker with Gez and Emma, just so you know.

Amy: Oh. Hi, everyone. Is this a good time?

Are you looking for a good time...

Yes. Yes, it is.

I won't keep you long.

I'm at work now and I just wanted to see if you got rid of the painting.

I'm... taking care of it.

It'd be so good to come home and get a decent night's sleep.

Yeah, you know what else is cool?

Moving your bedroom to the lounge. Way more space.

Sorry, what?

I'm kidding. I'm taking care of it.

So it'll be gone when I get home? I finish in a couple of hours.

Yep. All good.

See you soon.

Thanks. Bye! ( Hangs up )

Are you stalling, or do you actually have a plan?

I'm stalling until I think of a plan.

Gez, you're on work experience. Any ideas?

Move it anyway, just don't tell the landlord?

Just put it back up if he does an inspection?

Yeah, but I do feel obliged to tell you that normally that's a big no-no.

It's just that I...

Want to sleep with the tenant.

I left myself open for that.

As usual, you have my full support, in spirit.

Can you drop us off at the office on your way to Amy's?

You're not coming with me?

You heard the man. There's a dead old lady stuck in that painting.

Oh, it was a figure of speech.

Gonna have to lean heavily on the 'just in case' side of the fence.

I just really don't want to get cursed at the moment.

Plus, it's on the lease, Daniel.

Yes, I know it is! I told you that!

Well, sorry!

But it is.

( Dark, menacing music )

I'm sorry about this... Grandma.

( Grunts )

Come on!

( Electricity zaps )

Oh, you scumbag.

Yeah, well, it was worth a try.

You were hiding a massive hole in the wall.

It wasn't doing anyone any harm.

It's a safety hazard. The wiring back there was a mess.

You made us think the painting was haunted.

I was adding colour to a story.

I guess I can see why you might consider it lying.

But that's why I put it in the lease.

You can't neglect home maintenance because you don't feel like dealing with it.

Yeah, well, you can't just ignore the terms of a lease because you feel like it.

Did your grandmother really paint it?



It was just an old prop from a play I produced.

All this stuff is.

I don't have anywhere to put it, so it just goes wherever.

You have to fix the wall, Ken.


You were, um... really believable, though.

You're gonna be great in that short film.

Thank you.

Hey, if you're not gonna eat those, could I...

Knock yourself out.

So, what are you doing again?

A tenancy transfer.


Do you think he'll mind if I move his stuff?



I think I get the birthday thing, by the way.

If you did, you wouldn't have brought it up again.

You're worried it won't reach your expectations.

Not even close.

Don't you want people to make a fuss over you?

People should make a fuss over you because they like you or because you did something cool, not because...

..because of what, a number?

And a date? Which is a bunch of numbers. I hate numbers.

But deep down, you must love your birthday, right?

You'd at least be used to it when you've had so many.

I think we're done for the day.

You finish at 4:42?

We do today.

Mrs Marsh. These are for you.

Thank you, dear.

For what?

For whenever your birthday is.

Oh. Lovely.

They're from me too.

( Sighs nervously )

( Shop bell jingles )


Good afternoon, sir.

The sunscreen's in aisle four.

Thank you. Is Amy around?

Amy: Oh, hey.


Uh, Daisy, would you mind putting these out on the shelves, please?

Then you can head off.



Work experience?


It was hard to pick just one. There were so many asking.

Yeah, yeah. Us too.

Um, anyway, I just wanted to let you know, um, that that painting is no longer in your bedroom.

Fantastic! ( Sighs )

He didn't want to move it 'cause it was covering a hole in the wall.


Yeah. Some dodgy wiring was causing those lighting issues.

Nothing dangerous. We'll send someone out there to fix it tomorrow.

Oh, that's fine. Anything is better than that painting.

I just want to put the whole thing behind me.

( Laughs ) Hole thing.


Oh, "whole thing behind you".

Hole in the wall. There's a hole, um...

Yeah, anyway, I was gonna ask you...

Oh! 'Hole thing'. Yeah, no, that was an accident.

Oh, no, sure, sure.

Um... anyway, I-I wanted to say that I had a really, uh, good time with you and, um... yeah, if you ever want to hang out again...

..I'm around.

Oh. Sure. As friends.

Well, um, I was actually thinking...

Yeah, 'cause...

Yeah, 'cause I'm not really looking for anything else right now.

Sure. No, no, that's no worries. That's... that's fine.

Um... Great.

Alright, well, um... I'll see you, uh...

..I'll see you later.



Thanks again for today.

Oh. Happy to help.

Oh, the dandruff shampoo's on special too.

Thank you, Daisy!

So the old lady wasn't trapped in the painting?


And it wasn't stuck to the wall with a curse?

A bunch of Velcro strips.

And Amy?

Just wants to be friends.

Oh. Sorry, mate.

Her loss. You know what? You were really brave today.

Not really. I just... moved a painting.

But yeah, kinda.

Yeah, kinda.

Now, I know you said you didn't want to make a fuss...

So many times.

Crowd: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

No! Help!

I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop this.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Emma ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Alright, fine. Fine. Fine.

OK, I can see that you are trying to do a nice thing here, but I hate this.

( All laugh )

No, I really, really hate it. And I don't know how to be any clearer.

That singing just now? I hated it.

And I think if we're honest with ourselves, we all hate it.

So if you want to celebrate my birthday, fine, but please leave me the hell out of it!

Are you gonna blow out the candles?

Yeah, blow out the candles!

Others: Blow the candles out!

Fine. Yes, I will.

Clearly I can't hide from this thing, so, sure. Let's celebrate.

I mean... it is actually very nice of you t-to do this, and you're right, birthdays should be fun.

It does mean a lot that you... care and you just... want me to feel special on... my special day.

So... yeah.

Happy birthday to me!

( All cheer )

Hey! Thank you.

Cut me a piece. Thank you very much. Thanks, guys.

That was a lie. I'd better be dead before next year.

What are you doing?

One second.

OK, I know you don't normally accept gifts on your... today...


But I did get you a little... something.

Did you wrap this yourself? You've done a terrible job.

Oh, my God! A Tamagotchi! Where'd you find it?!

Op shop.

I love it! Thank you.

I also...

..got you a bottle of wine.


Best of both worlds.

But what are you gonna drink?

Oh, great question.

I also got me a bottle of wine.

( Laughs )

You've outdone yourself.

Are you feeling better?

Yeah. I guess getting older isn't so bad.

Bouncers don't ask you for ID.

People worry about you when the weather's hot.

They do.

( Knock at door )

( Dark, menacing music )

( Both yelp )


Listen, I really don't want this in my house.

You need to take care of it.

Why don't you just get rid of it?

I've got another production in three months and I need it for set dressing.

Also, I'm worried it'll make it angry.

I get that, but why do you think it's our problem?

Because I could tell your mother how you ignored the terms of our lease.

Pfft! Yeah, but you...

Why didn't you take my side? I'm the one paying you.

Do you have some sort of history with the tenant or something?

Maybe I should talk to Barbara about all this.

No, no.

That feels better.


No, no, no, no! No! No!

Alright, close the door.

No, no, no, no!

I don't have a hand...

There's another real estate agent in Rosehaven.

We're under attack.

What sort of attack?

Real estate attack.

I'm pumped to be talking about Pratchett Real Estate.

He's got more money, a larger online presence and a bigger team.

What's the worst-case scenario?

Have to move the business to Rosstown?

Take that back!

This is so exciting.

I can't believe we're doing a heist.




Oh, Jesus!

I'm kind of getting used to it.

Well, then put it in your room.

Not on your life.

How's the Tamagotchi going?

Oh, so great.

Just as much fun as I remember.

You know, playing with it, teaching it tricks, feeding it regularly...

It died, didn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I buried it.

They come back to life.

You just receive...


You really buried it?

Yep. ( Runs off )