04x03 - Season 4, Episode 3

Morning.

Emma: Morning.

Em?

Yeah?

Did you get a pet without asking me?

I can appreciate how this looks, but, no, I didn't get a pet.

I'm just babysitting him for a tenant while they're away.

It's part of my job as a real estate agent.

It's not.

Well, it's what gives our agency the edge.

How long?

Didn't ask. I just said, "Give him to me."

Well, can you at least put it outside?

He's a him, not an it.

And while he's here, he's part of the family.

He's your new brother.

Isn't it amazing you can just buy family?

For less than a chair, you can buy a living ball of fluff.

I could go and get 50 if I wanted.

Please don't do that.

Do you want to hold him?

I'm good.

Go on. He'll get a complex.

I don't want to wash my hands again.

Guess what his favourite music is?

No.

It's hip-hop.

OK.

At least introduce yourself.

( Makes squeaking sounds )

Hi.

"Hi, Lord Fluffington."

That's his name? That is what I'm calling him.

I can't remember his name.

Well, I'm not calling him that. I'll call him...

..Jim.

Alright, we'll call him Jim.

Really?

Which is short for Jiminy Jim-Jams Fuzzy Fluff Bum.

King of Asgard.

Son of Thumper!

♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ If we find ♪
♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪
♪ If we can right all the wrong ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

You got a sec?

Mm-hm.

This is the info from the conveyancing company you were waiting on.

Oh, thank you.

And this is a message I forgot to give you yesterday when you were in the toilet.

OK.

And this is an impression of how Lord Fluffington breathes.

( Pants quickly )

Very impressive.

What do you think he's doing right now?

Probably just sitting there.

Hi.

Maddrick.

What can we do for you?

Have you finally agreed to lend me your rollerblades?

I need to talk to Danny privately.

Anything you have to say to Dan, you can say to me.

Alright.

Unless it's about tax. Or masturbation.

Why would it be about masturbation?

It's not.

OK. Continue.

It's about Bruce.

What about Bruce?

He needs your help.

( Scoffs ) Well, this is clearly a prank.

I understand why you might think that, but it's not.

Oh, yeah? What does he need my help with?

Does he want me to stand next to a pool in a suit or walk down a hallway carrying a tray of soups?

He's getting bullied.

What?

Yeah.

Bruce is getting bullied?

By who?

Our new boss at the radio station keeps picking on him.

Then why don't you tell him to knock it off?

Well, I don't want him to have a problem with me.

Are you scared?

No.

I just think I'll make it worse.

Because I have no experience with this kind of thing.

Like, I've never been bullied.

Which is why I thought you'd know how to help.

It is kind of your special subject.

Mine's comfort eating.

So you'll talk to him? Give him a few pointers?

Because I was bullied?

Yeah.

By Bruce.

Yeah.

So you'll talk to him?

No!

But I would like regular updates on the bullying, please.

Film it if you can.

What?

If this is real, why doesn't he ask me himself?

Well, he's embarrassed.

He doesn't even know that I'm here.

So when you do go and have a chat to him, can you pretend like you figured this out by yourself?

I'm not going to go chat with him. Thanks, mate.

No, no, I said I'm not going. I'll leave it with you.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks, mate.

I'm not going.

Thanks, mate.

I'm not gonna help him.

OK.

He's an adult. If he doesn't like it, he can just quit his job.

Mm-hm.

It's not like me.

When I was at school, I couldn't do anything about it.

I mean, I could tell a teacher, but they weren't around all the time.

And I'm pretty sure some of them teased me behind my back.

Mm.

You're not gonna change my mind about this.

I'm not trying to. Serves Bruce right.

Yeah, right. Just do your speech. Get it over with.

I agree with you.

You agree with me?

100%.

Barbara.

Did I tell you we're babysitting a rabbit?

What?

Yeah, I'm looking after him for Fay.

Your tenant Fay?

Yeah.

And I was wondering, because both his full-time carers are here, could I bring him in to work?

You're not bringing another animal into this office.

Could I work from home?

Are you all set up for your inspections today?

Yep.

Good. Daniel, go with her.

Why?

Why?

'Cause she's too soft on the tenants.

No, I'm not.

Then why are you babysitting a rabbit for one of them?

A tenant who shouldn't even have pets, by the way.

Well, he's more of a family member. I'll go with her.

Do you think Bruce is getting finger-jabbed right now?

Finger-what?

This from his boss.

Hey.

Sorry.

See, if you're getting punched, you can tell on who is punching you, but if you're getting finger-jabbed and you say, "Miss, I'm getting finger-jabbed," you're the one who ends up embarrassed.

I thought you didn't care what happened to him.

I don't care.

Well, I'm glad it's happening to him, if that's what you mean.

Do you think I'm too soft on tenants?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But they're choosing to rent with us. We owe them.

They're not doing us a favour.

They're getting a place to live out of it.

Hi.

Hi.

I could see you both waiting at the door through the window.

I was waiting for you to knock but you were taking so long it was making me feel uncomfortable.

Sorry.

Can we come in for the inspection, Julie?

Course.

Um, we're almost done here. The garden...

Oh, I know the grass is a bit long.

My cousin's coming on the weekend to cut it.

Great.

OK. Finally, the second bedroom.

Oh, it's locked.

Is it?

Can you open it?

Oh, um... I don't know where the key is.

Do you need us to call the locksmith?

No, no, it's here. I've just got to find it.

OK, well, we need to see inside that room.

Honestly, it'll take me so long to find it.

It's probably in the third drawer down, you know, one of those random drawers filled with stuff like rubber bands and coins from God knows where.

Did you put all your mess in one room?

It's fine. We don't need to see it.

Oh, actually, all the rooms need to be open and unlocked for inspection.

Look, it's just a bedroom. There's no damage.

Then why is it locked?

I probably flicked the latch when I was in there.

Right. Never mind.

So, is there anything else you want to see?

Yes, inside that room. Honestly, there's nothing in there.

It's just bedroom stuff.

How about we come back tomorrow?

That'll give you enough time to find the key.

Sure. No problem.

We'll get out of your hair.

OK.

We will be back tomorrow.

Can't wait.

Do you think he's just calling Bruce names?

I mean, it wouldn't be physical, would it?

I don't know.

I guess if it was physical, he could call the police.

Who also happens to be his dad.

I don't know. OK. Watch this.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't... you.

It's not scary.

Why not?

It's scary when villains have cats.

It's too cute.

What if I put a spiky collar on him?

Well, then you'd just be dressing up a rabbit, which is even cuter.

If you turned around with a dead rabbit...

What?!

I'm just saying.

You're sick, pal.

And you know he's got excellent hearing.

Maddrick: ( On radio ) Three wishes, mate, three wishes.

But I used the third one to give you a third arm.

Bruce: Why do that?

Well, you could have three drinks at a time.

You could be triple parked and be fine.

I only drink one drink at a time.

You don't usually listen to the radio.

Just doing the dishes, wanted something to listen to.

I'm just saying there could be other animals whose milk we can drink we haven't discovered yet.

Bruce?

( Absently ) Yeah.

And why is milk from nuts called 'milk' instead of 'nut juice'?

Yeah. Dunno.

Good question.

Does he seem weird to you?

Maddrick said "nut juice" and Bruce didn't laugh at all.

Sounds fine to me.

Yeah.

He really made my life hell, you know.

I know.

The hunter has become the hunted.

Why do I have to be the one to fix it?

You don't.

No-one helped me.

Do you wish they had?

Bruce: ( Flatly ) We'll be here for one more hour, so, yeah, feel free to call in.

Are you going to play a song, Bruce?

Oh. Right.

OK. I'm going down there.

God, I hope it is a prank.

And if it's not, you'll help him because that's a real nice thing to do.

Yeah, and because if Bruce is getting bullied, he might take it out on me.

Jeez, bullying is complicated.

Well, it is my special subject.

Do you want me to come?

No.

If you don't come, it'll be easier to change my mind and join in with the bully.

Great. We're here if you need.

But I was hoping to spend some quality time with Fluff.

Fluff? What happened to Lord Fluff? Demotion?

No. He's Fluff to his friends.

What is he to his enemies?

Their worst nightmare.

It's still not scary.

( Door opens )

Imagine how good a time machine would be for your Instagram.

Yeah, like, get a selfie with, like, a T. rex.

Exactly. You'd get so many likes.

But you'd probably have to take it, because their arms are so small.

Hey.

Danny. What are you doing here?

Yeah, Danny.

What are you doing here?

I haven't seen you in a long time.

I, er... we were thinking about buying some radio ads for the business and, er, I've got a meeting with... whoever handles that.

OK.

Er, we're back on air soon, so I just have to run to the loo and, er, I'll leave you guys to it.

OK.

So...

So...

Heard you got a new boss.

Why would you have heard that?

Small town.

Seems weird.

It's not. What are they like?

He's... really great.

Right. So, you're friends?

Well, I mean, we have a... warm professional relationship.

Hey! Bruce!

Nice face.

( Chuckles ) Yeah. Thanks.

Do they make it in men's? ( Laughs )

( Chuckles ) What? Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry. Joe. Nice to meet you.

Daniel.

See you after the show to do notes. Yep.

Have a good one. For a change.

From what you normally do.

Which is... GARBAGE!

Yeah. Great.

Yeah, he seems nice.

He is. Yeah.

You're getting bullied, aren't you?

What? He... said I have a really nice face.

Sarcastically. Bruce, I know you're getting bullied. I can tell.

I've been through it my whole life, mostly thanks to you.

Oh, what? I was joking around with you.

This guy's legit mean.

Oh, yeah? So you are getting bullied?

( Sighs )

Maybe. I don't know.

Doesn't feel good, does it?

No, mate, it doesn't feel good. Thanks for pointing that out.

Wait.

I am here to help.

Is this a prank?

I can understand why you might think that, but no.

I know what you're going through and I want to help.

Bruce, you good to go?

Yeah. Yeah.

( Sighs )

What can I do to make him like me?

Nothing.

Oh, great advice. Thanks.

But really, there might not be.

Yeah. I said, great advice, thanks.

Look, you can confront him, you can tell him how you feel, but he might not listen.

The best thing you can do is change how you feel about him.

It's not your fault, for starters.

Then why me?

I don't know, maybe you remind him of someone who hurt him in the past.

Bruce, bullies are sad, insecure and lonely and they're trying to bring you down to make themselves feel better.

But you don't need his approval to feel good about yourself.


( Door opens )

Mate, we're back on air.

I just said, "Welcome back to Bruce And Maddrick," and just had a total brain freeze.

It's silence in there. Yeah, yeah. I'm coming.

Gotta go.

It's not your fault, Bruce.

Rise above it.

Hey.

Hi. How'd you go?

Yeah, great. Bruce IS getting bullied.

Right.

Yeah, I think I really helped him, you know?

I think he finally gets what I went through.

Oh, um... I'm very happy for you.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. Just, uh... Michael prefers to be away from me.

Who?

Oh, I changed his name.

And I can do it again, Michael. It could be Captain Butthole like that!

Did you have a fight with a rabbit?

I don't think he likes being with me.

That's crazy. Look at him. Perfectly happy.

Yeah. Now that you're back. He likes you more.

How can you tell?

Look at him, ignoring me.

He's not. He's just being a rabbit.

I don't even care. He wants to play games? Fine.

See? He loves you.

Sometimes I think he's just using me for food.

Well, he can't open the fridge.

I knew it.

Who cares if he doesn't like you?

You have to take him back soon anyway.

So you do think he doesn't like me?

No.

He's doing it on purpose to hurt me.

I really don't think he is. Look at him, plotting.

"That idiot. She thinks I love her, but I don't."

Maybe he likes me more because I don't bother him as much.

What?

Or he thinks my hair looks like carrots. I don't know.

Maybe you two would be happier if I moved out.

Thanks a lot, Captain Butthole.

Ready to go soon?

Got to go check on Julie's meth lab.

( Groans ) Do we have to go?

I'm so tired.

Michael kept me up all night.

How? He lives outside in a hutch and makes no noise.

With worry, thinking about our fight.

Your fight? He doesn't even know it happened.

He knows.

Barbara: Emma?

How did the inspections go?

Sorry. Oh, Michael kept me up all night...

I'm not interested in your private life.

Oh, no. Michael's the rabbit.

The rabbit? Guess what.

You don't want to hear about that either?

Bingo.

But what should I do?

I assume casserole's off the table.

How did you go with the inspections yesterday?

All good. Perfect.

I've just got one follow-up today.

Follow-up? What for?

One of the doors at Julie's was locked.

Why didn't you just open it on the spot?

Well, because...

( Sighs ) For God's sake!

You dictate the terms, not the tenant.

Otherwise, what's the point of doing an inspection? Harden up!

I'm going back out there today.

You shouldn't have to go back out there.

Take Daniel with you. In case you come back with her dry-cleaning.

So, about going back to Julie's...

Yes. Give me two seconds to send this email and I'll be good to go.

I'm going by myself.

Are you OK?

Yes, I'm fine.

I just don't need you to come with me because I am capable of opening a door and looking.

OK.

Hello, Mrs Marsh.

Hello, Bruce.

Danny. Can I, er, talk to you for a sec?

OK.

Righto.

Anything you have to say to Dan...

Yes, Bruce.

I, er, just want to say...

..last night, you coming down, it, er... really helped.

Um, I'm glad.

Yeah, I, er, told Joe what you said about him being sad and pathetic and stuff.

You what?

What you said.

What did you say?

I said people who bully other people are sad and insecure as a general statement.

Yeah, he said he was, like, really appreciative that I told him.

Pretty mad at you, though.

At me?

Yeah, but, I don't know, something changed between him and me.

At one point, he even gave me a nod.

He went, "Cheers, mate."

Then he really kicked off about you.

Bruce!

What?

Oh, come on. You don't work there. You'll probably never see him.

Yeah, but he knows what I look like. He knows my name.

Does he know where you work?

Yeah, I told him.

Mate!

It came up in conversation.

The point is, I want to thank you for your help.

That's very difficult for me to say given our history.

I feel like that's getting lost right now.

I can't believe you.

I've got to get back but...

..ohh... thanks!

Piss off, Bruce!

If you think you'll get my help again, think...

..again.

Great. Now I've got a brand-new adult bully who's bigger than me.

Bruce is bigger than you.

Yeah, but not by much.

A bit, though. He does look fitter, right?

Stop talking. Sorry. What do you want to do?

I don't know. Hide in the office for a few weeks?

Normally I'd stay and help, but there's somewhere I have to go.

Do you have to feed Michael?

sh1t. I have two places that I have to go.

You gonna be OK?

Yeah. I...

I stand by what I said, so if he wants to confront me about it, well, then he can come to me.

Plus, he wouldn't do anything in front of Mrs Marsh, right?

Right. I'll be back soon.

Thanks so much for the extra time.

Turns out it got a bit dusty in there, so... gave me a chance to give it a good once over.

Well, we'll see about that, won't we?

Oh, OK.

No graffiti or Jumanji lion or anything.

Thank you. I'll be on my way.

No worries.

Is there any reason that door is closed?

Oh, um...

And locked?

Is it?

Yep.

Remember, we mentioned all doors have to be open during an inspection.

Yeah.

So could you open it?

Why? You looked in there yesterday.

Yes, but it really seems like you've just moved whatever you didn't want us to see from that room into this one.

Does it matter? There's no damage.

It matters if it's a pet or a lot of pets or a meth lab.

Open the door, please.

Oh, I see. You think you can just walk over me, is that it?

No.

You think I can provide you with a home and be nice to you and you can treat me like dirt?

What?

You will open that door right now!

I've just started.

They're not good.

I just didn't want anyone to see them yet.

So, someone was teasing someone and you said something about them, they found out about it, and now you're worried they're gonna tease you?

Yes.

Right. I thought you'd finished primary school.

I know it's ridiculous.

It's just there's nothing you can do if you're getting bullied as an adult.

You can't dob on them. You can't go to a teacher.

If I'm at a party and someone bigger than me sticks their finger in my cocktail, they walk away with a great-tasting finger and I'm stuck with this finger cocktail.

Who is this guy? Does he need anything from you?

He works at the radio.

And?

I did mention buying some ads with them.

Well, there you go.

You can enlighten him that it'll be in his professional interest to treat you with respect.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

If he wants my business, then he can treat me with some courtesy.

Thanks, Mum.

No worries.

Oh, God, that's him!

Maybe he'll just yell at Mrs Marsh for a bit.

Do you want me to come out with you?

No. He needs something from me.

He does.

And, Daniel?

Yes?

Don't forget to update the listing on 17 Brock Street now that they've renovated upstairs.

Oh, I... I thought you were going to give me one last word of wisdom.

Doesn't matter.

Hey.

Make sure you update that...

Yes, I got it.

Hello.

Daniel, you have a visitor...

Yes, thanks, Mrs Marsh.

You're Daniel McCallum, aren't you?

You were at the station the other night.

I am. And before you say anything, any trouble and I'll tell my mum.

I could have worded that better.

I'm just saying my mum is the manager and if I give the word, she could pull any current or future McCallum Real Estate ads from the radio, which I know are a great source of income for you guys.

I just work there. I don't care if they don't get your money.

G... Right.

I heard you've got some pretty strong opinions about me.

Well...

I'm a bully!

What?

I'm...

Sorry. Hi. I bullied Julie to open the door.

No, you didn't. You gave her a day.

We're having a conversation here. She'd locked another door.

The door from yesterday was fine, but today she'd locked a different door.

Was it drugs?

No, toys.

Toys?

She makes stuffed toys.

It doesn't matter. I was mean.

You got in my head that she was hiding something and I shouldn't let tenants and Michael walk all over me, and I yelled at her to open it.

You're not a bully, Emma. You were just doing your job.

He's a bully. What? Sorry. Um, this is... ?

Joe.

Hi.

Hi.

It's Bruce's boss.

Oh.

So, what do you want to do, Joe?

Ruffle his hair? Hm?

Cut his tie in half? Finger-jab?

Make fun of his ears? What's wrong with my ears?

What are you talking about?

I'm not a bully.

Yes, you are.

The only reason I talked to Bruce about you is because you were picking on him.

I'm not... picking on him!

It's all jokes!

I'm just trying to make him feel like I'm a mate, not just his boss.

You and Bruce are identical.

You don't even know you're bullies. I'm not.

I came down here to tell you off for talking sh1t about me behind my back.

And you don't even know me. Who does that?

I was saying bullies are sad and insecure generally speaking, not you specifically.

So, you're not a bully?

No.

He's really very nice.

Even when the hairdresser does a bad job, he says thank you.

So, Bruce is upset with how I've been talking to him?

Yes.

Why wouldn't he tell me?

I don't know. Because you're his boss?

So... I'M the... ?

Yeah, kinda.

( Sighs )

I don't believe it.

When I was a kid, I got picked on.

It was my neck. I took a while to grow into it.

And for me to be the one...

Well, now you know.

This is...

..sh1t.

I think I know what'll make you feel better.

I felt so bad about Julie, I convinced her to sell me one of her toys.

How will that make me feel better?

Well, I know you're having a rough day, but I spent $30 on this.

( Laughs )

It's a rabbit.

That's... that's not a rabbit!

It's like she's never seen a rabbit and is just trying to piece it together from vague clues.

I told you, she's just started taking classes.

She just needs to see a rabbit.

Are her other ones as bad as that?

I didn't show you for you to make this much fun of it.

Aren't you guys being pretty mean?

Yeah, but look... look at it.

So it's OK as long as the person's not here?

No.

Probably not.

Good.

Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with this god-awful thing?

I like you as a friend, but I don't think I'm ready for a pet.

I couldn't give you what you needed.

You'll be so much happier here.

In his home?

I'll miss you...

..whether you'll miss me or not.

You couldn't give a sh1t, could you?

Thanks again for minding him.

It was a big help while I was away.

It's OK.

But you can't have pets here.

It's... it's OK. Michael's a good bunny.

It's Marshmallow.

Whatever.

Just admit you'd rather be wearing a cardigan.

Mate, you don't wear a cardigan to the Regional Realtors' Association of Tasmania's annual conference.

You want powerful shoulders.

Oh, my God, it's him. His name's Donovan.

He's always making videos for his listings online.

He wears that coat in all of them.

Barbara and I are just having a quiet word.

About what?

A job for Barbara.

You said this would help the business. It's tearing us apart.

Well, well, well!

You've got a lot of nerve showing up at my gun factory after sleeping with my wife.

Terrible.

Got another one.

Well, well, well!

Em?