01x07 - This is Not a Love Song

Stop... in the name of fun.

What? I've got library duty now.

You need to heal your aching womb, Charlie.

Oh, no! My womb is tippity-top, A-OK, really.

When was the last time you got laid?

Charlie: So you're seeing Hugh?

Aoife: Christ, no!

I'll probably shag him, though.

Oh, right.

HUGH? So, Dad, must be happy about the brewery.

I mean, Matt said it basically saved the farm.


Rod: Don't push me, Meryl. I can get nasty.

Well, your breath certainly is. You smell like an anchovy.

You have to tell me everything about your past life.

You must have got to do the best stuff.

I did, and I miss it every day.

You're a dad, you know?


Ajax. He's yours.

Ajax is my son?

I'm... I'm late. Uh, call me.

Of course.

And I'll need this fortnight's urine sample.

After this, if you want, we could have s*x in a bed.

That's for couples, isn't it?



Are you OK?



Just a...

..big day, a really big day.





I really don't think the aliens are trying to use your dick to communicate and invade.

So why does it keep buzzing?

Aoife: Try to put it out of your mind.

OK, letting it go.

Yeah, you're right.

He's been on ice for days. Psychosis.

We were trying to administer Thorazine...

When the aliens invaded?

Oh! They just did it again!

I gotta get it off!

No, leave it on!

You'll need it.

It's the only way.

That's just... not true.

I'm saving the world.

Don't. No! Don't, don't!


All: Ohh!



Hugh: Someone get it! Get it!


The dog!

Drop it. Drop it! Drop!

Oh, sorry, I just... I can't do it.


I guess it is a little close to home.

The dog ate his manhood.

Well, to be fair, it was just the tip.

That's the best bit!

I can relax you.

Oh, no, no. I'm still trying to not be that guy.

Oh, sucks to be you.

(SIGHS) You know, once my patients never spoke except to utter their gratitude and I'd go home, have lots of drugs and wake up with a beautiful woman.


Well, I... I mean, that's my point.

I mean, I'm down to one out of three.

Thank God for you.

God did have a pretty good day when he made me.

That's for sure.

That's for damn sure.

I love you, by the way. Just sayin'.



Song: ♪ I'm going up the country ♪
♪ Babe, don't you wanna go? ♪
♪ I'm going up the country ♪
♪ Babe, don't you wanna go? ♪
♪ I'm going someplace where I've never been before ♪
♪ I'll leave this city ♪
♪ I've got to get away ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave this city ♪
♪ I've got to get away ♪
♪ All this fussin' and fightin' ♪
♪ Man, you know I sure can't stay. ♪

Hayley: Rod Eagle is going to regret all the nasty things he ever said about your project when he sees this.

Well, just as long as he doesn't try to own it.

After he blocked every vote?

Art is a gift to the community that lives long after you're dead and buried.

Don't kill me off yet. Just a peek.

I still want the surprise for today.

Uh, is it kind of...

I think it... it's just the shadow from the tarp.

Well, should I pull it all off?

No, no. No, no, no.

I've seen the drawings.

I think... I think it's just this angle.

This is the moment we're going to drag Whyhope into this century.

Art and tourism is going to wrench the town's economy from the mines and give it back to the people.


Really good.


University of Adelaide - the immunotherapy trials you asked for.

I convinced the administrator to share results.

I knew you were the man for the job, Ken.

I have a way with people.


However, I don't think it's good.

The patient seems to be much worse after. Tumours in red.

Well, that's not what I heard.



You got the dates wrong, Ken.

Oh, yes. Uh, this is before and this is after.

Oh, that's very... Wow!

Wow indeed. That is completely clear.

They have a new trial starting this month.

We need to get Joey onto it.

I'll contact them.

Ken, I could kiss you.

Which would be highly inappropriate workplace behaviour, but I appreciate the sentiment, Dr Knight.

Joey? Why don't you answer your phone?

I know you're here. I saw your car.




Joey: What the f*ck?!

You right, are ya?

How was I supposed to know?

You've never done it before noon?

Look, I know you don't think there's a cure.

I saw some scans today, though, that could change everything.

You left me in there alone with them!

Lucinda likes the bedroom. The temperature's more constant.

I could come back when your guests are gone.

Lucinda's a snake.

She's a highland copperhead.

Plus that death adder and the creepy one.

They're in their tanks.

They were staring at me.

Look, I milked Lucinda and Cleopatra this morning.

Right, I've obviously come in the middle of something here.

Um, mate, look. This treatment, I think this could be the one.

(SIGHS) We've been down this road before.

This is a completely new road. It's a superhighway to recovery.

I don't know.

You do. Say yes to me now.

I can get you on that trial.

He says yes.

I didn't!

You know you will.

This just saves everyone time.

OK, fine.

Yes, but it's my decision.


Yeah, mm-hm.


Matt: Mum said to remind you to get back in time for her thing.

I'm not wearing a tie.

Huh! Me either.

Have you had a chance to, uh, have a look at that loan proposal about the hops?

I don't think it's for us. Give up a paddock like that?

Well, if we create our own hops we'd be more likely to get a distinctive flavour for the beer.

We'd be creating our own terroir.


You can think it's a wank, but it's what the punters pay for.

Home-grown hops?



Yeah, nah, that's not for us.

I know you heard what I said last night.

You don't have to respond right away.


You've got 24 hours.


I've got work to do.

Penny: Hugh, we need to be on that plane in half an hour.

You know what I wish on drug dealers?

That they die and come back as a doctor and have to deal with this sh1t every weekend.

And they're to remember.

Penny: I'm just saying, what do we have?

10 rehab beds in the whole area?

How is that supposed to work...

..on rehab, on the implications of this terrible drug and what it's doing to the community... who need air...


..fresh air and a healthy alternative lifestyle?

If I say I agree with you, will you stop ranting at me?

I don't think I will, actually. And where's Nathan?

We're late out to the mine to give those flu shots.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm here, I'm here.

And almost all of it comes from your place.

The flu?

She's on a methamphetamine rant.

Yes, I am!

Look, I agree with you, Penny.

Ice is a bloody nuisance and I will help you battle it any way I can.




She always rants before she flies.

She's worse than you.


You didn't wanna fly.

You've been using me this whole time.

I did my time on that thing.

Oh, that's so devious!

I'm almost impressed.

Sorry, folks!

Late start. Hope you don't mind.

Oh, who doesn't love the smell of greasy bacon in the morning?

You're surprisingly cocky this morning, Doc.

Penny: Ugh.


Where's Matt?

He's gone to the bank.

What? Now? Couldn't have waited?

Apparently not.

Well, we can't hang around.

Rod Eagle's getting restless and I don't want him cutting in.

Good luck.


Meryl: Thank you all for coming out today to be here for the unveiling of this wonderful art piece to commemorate the bounties of our shire.

Today is a moment that art and tourism will wrench control of the town's economy and give it back to the people.

I know you're all desperate to see it so let's not stand on ceremony and let's have a good old-fashioned perve.





How much did that cost?

Not the point, Ajax.

Ajax: Hayles, it looks like a cock and balls.

Don't say that!


Oh, my God...


Jim: Oh, God.

Uh, everybody's saying that it, um...

Yes, I know what they're saying so just keep smiling.

Man: Over here, ladies.

Hayley: What do we do?

It's art! They're allowed an interpretation.

What are we supposed to call this one, then?

Oh, I think the work speaks for itself, Rod.

You want to know what it's saying to me?

It's saying you've outsmarted yourself here, Meryl Knight.

It's a pretty big chunk of council money to spend on a suggestive sculpture.


Matt: Exactly.

Distinctive flavour. Terroir.

Oh, that's awesome.

No, people love that.

Matt: Exactly.

What assets do you have against the loan?

The farm.

It's... it's not your farm, Matt. It's Mummy and Daddy's.

Oh, come on, Tim. Just approve it.

I can't.

Come on, Tim!

Don't be a dick. More debt - banks love that.

I need assets against it.

Look, let me spell it out for you.

Technically, you're a 37-year-old man who owns... his clothes.

I mean, you've got nothing.

Is your car even in your name?


It's not.


No! It's all Daddy's.

Why don't you get him to come in?

Or at least give you a note saying you can be late to class?

That's not funny.

Well, it's a little bit funny.



How long do you reckon till we get back on the plane?

Penny: Not listening.

Come on. This is rare common ground between us.

We could help each other.

I have trust issues with you.

Just roll up your sleeve for me, mate.

Is something wrong?

Oh, this tapping thing.

I could show you. It definitely helps.

Let's just get this trip over and done with.

There you go. Thank you. Next.

Oh, I can't be here.

I know a buyer when I see one, man.

Yes, well, I'm just browsing.

Nice shop.

I can't be here.

So go, mate.



Dr Knight!

I have good news.

Oh, I knew you would.

You are the man.

We can get Joey into the trial.

Not the next one - the one in six months.

He'll be dead in six months, Ken.

Uh... So it's bad news, not good news that I bring.

Hmm. Well, you tried.

I believe we've exhausted the processes.

I don't know what else...

You're fired. Thanks, Ken.


You buying or what, mate?


They're for a friend.

Of course it is, mate.

Penny: Oh, there you are.

We've been diverted - farm accident.

We're not going back to town?

No, not this morning.

I've got calls to make. I can't make them out there.

Sorry people's medical emergencies don't fit in with your calendar.

Let's just get on the plane.



You OK? You look a bit...

Think I'm gonna be sick.

That sandwich must have been older than me.

Your stomach?

Ugh, sick... sick bag.

Sick bag! (VOMITS)


Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Please, keep flying!


Under the seat.

Under the seat!



Got it, got it.



I'll be fine... Ooh, no. No, I won't.

But we're almost here, so I'll try and land the plane, eh?

What does she mean, try?



Do you think she's OK?

Does she look OK, Doctor?


Kodie, are you...



Keep your fluids up and we'll check on you later.

Kodie: Oh, heaven help me, Lord! Ugh!

Stay upwind of yourself.


Hugh: Oof!

Man: Oh, here they are now. They'll tell you.

Woman: Don't move!

Penny: The caller said there was a suspected broken back?

Hugh: But I'm guessing not.

My wife had to make the call. She may have exaggerated.

I'm a nurse! I know what to do!

Man: Not anymore, love. It was a long time ago.

She's got that Alzheimer's. It's my ankle.

Can you move your toes for me, Mr Contie?

Oh, Martin. I'm... I'm fine, fine.

Penny: And your fingers, Martin?

Took a bump to the head, though, didn't you?

I...I blacked out for a second, I saw stars, then came down to earth.

Can you sit up for me?


That stupid old man just fell off his ladder.

It's a sprained ankle. We flew here. In a plane!

Concussion too.

That's the job, though, isn't it?

Emergencies in remote locations?


Betty, what's up?

Joey came in breathless and wanted to see you.

They're treating him now.

Alright, can you put him on?


Hey, mate. How you feeling?

I'm on a drip. I feel great.

Hospital-grade pharmaceuticals. Living the dream.

Well, enjoy, rest up and I'll see you soon, OK?

No worries. Love you.

Hugh, I called that number and did what you asked.

Did you cry?

I sobbed.

It was really moving - "Oh, I'm his wife. We've got six kids and little Hamish keeps asking, 'Why is Daddy lying down and looking sad all the time?'"

Hugh: And?

Hearts of stone, those people.

So I ditched the act and I just plain begged from my heart and then they got all official and started using words like 'harassment' and 'AVO' and then they hung up on me.

Alright, well, you're fired too. I'm heading back now anyway.

No, you're not. Kodie can't fly.

We're stuck here the night.

No, I got Joey in hospital.

I have to get him into this trial. I need to get back now.

Will you fly the plane or will I?

We can always take it in turns between crying and vomiting.


Thank you.




I have a question for you.

Who is the smartest pig in the world?

I don't know. Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine. (LAUGHS)

Look at you with a joke!

Yeah, I know.

Did it work?

Actually, it wasn't bad.

Hey, can you do me a favour?

Only because you thought my joke was funny.

Do you know a Dr Vincent, immunologist?

Adelaide General?

Yeah. You guys friends?

You know I don't do friends, but we have a good professional relationship.

How can I help?

Hayley: We're trending on Twitter!

(EXCITEDLY) "Things are looking up in Whyhope. Worth a visit."

Uh, hashtag - 'funny art'.

Hashtag - 'my wine bottle pen1s is bigger than yours'.

Sometimes you can trend for all the wrong reasons.

Controversy could be just as good for tourism.

Once the visitor numbers are up, Rod is left high and dry.

But is that the message we want to send?

"Come for sexy art, stay for dinner."

That's a good slogan. Tweet that.

We'd be encouraging them.

Hayley, opportunity's like an erection - use it or lose it.



So you went to the bank.

I stupidly thought that since I keep this place afloat I should be allowed to make some decisions.

You knew I said no, but you went behind my back.

What's going on?

Hops, mate.

A beautiful paddock full of hops, giving value to our brew, adding to our brand, creating an original local story, only Rupert Murdoch here won't let go of his empire and the bank won't loan me anything without his signature.

This is still my land.

Pop gave Mum this land and even then he had to sell off Bundoon to pay for the hole that you put us in in the '90s.

Everything you touch turns to sh1t.

Don't you speak to me like...

I'm done doing what you tell me to do...

Stop it! Oh!

Ugh! Ohh!

Dad, no!


Dad, Dad...


sh1t, Matt! Stop!




Jim: Ugh...




Does it hurt?


Did you think I wouldn't hear? What is wrong with you?

At least I didn't put a big dick in Memorial Park.

Why wouldn't I?

I've had one living in my kitchen for 40 years.

If you didn't bottle everything up until it got all angry, then you could've properly sorted it out years ago.

Well, you can't talk to him.

That's true.

Now you've got your blood up, do you reckon you could go punch your mum out for me?




You know you should be resting that ankle.

Oh, I'm still embarrassed, dragging you all the way out here for nothing.

And now you've gotta stay the night.

Oh, it's not your fault that our pilot has a weak stomach.

That would definitely be a consolation, though.

I don't usually start till I put Deb to bed, but this is a very special day.

Cheers. Must be tough looking after her all the way out here.

All alone.


So she doesn't always remember who I am, but I always know who she is.

You know, you just might be my first ever good marriage role model.

Oh! In truth, I've been a right b*st*rd.

I never listen. I haven't always been faithful.

But she's always stuck by me so I'm gonna stick by her.

In the end, that's... that's what love is.

Come on. I'll show you to your room.

Thank you.

Martin: It's only a double, but it's very comfortable.

So where's Hugh going to sleep?

Your pilot's in the other room with... with a bucket.

Look, thanks so much for the hospitality.

Penny's only joking. She knows I don't snore too much.

Quick, get a photo of the dick, come on.

Move up a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.


Why do they all do that?

You're the one who's been tweeting about it being sexy.

It's a defence strategy.

Oh, this is all my fault.

Well, you didn't choose the thing.

I knew it was under there but I didn't want it to be true so I didn't deal with it.

Now everyone's making fun in the press.

Not just local - national press are calling.

And everyone's going to see it and Meryl's going to get voted off the council.

Really? Well, that sucks.

Well, it hasn't happened yet, obviously, and it won't, not if I can help it.

Big spoon or little spoon?

Don't bring your dirty mind into Martin and Deb's spare room.

I was talking about snuggling.

You know you weren't.

Well, not now I'm not.

(LAUGHS) Let's just get in.

I usually like that side.

So long as you don't sleep in the nude, I really don't care.

Again with the dirty talk.

Nude. Nude.



So how long do you think they've both been out here like this?

Oh, um... a long time.

He's got his work cut out for him.

Well, he loves her.



I know what commitment is.

I mean, that - that's a marriage.

I thought you were against marriage.

Oh, yeah, for me.

And kids?

A pause!

Hugh Knight is human after all.

I've actually got a kid. Only just found out.

Oh, OK.

I wasn't expecting that.

He's, uh... he's 16.

His mum never told me that she was pregnant.

Have you met him?


He doesn't know who I am.

I don't know how to tell him, but, uh, I mean, he's a good kid.

He's, uh... He's free.

In a way that I never was.

So I don't wanna spoil that with my news.

You're already being a parent, taking the pain yourself rather than passing it on to your kid.

Who would've thought?


I think that's me.

Oh, it's Aoife. I texted her about Deb's records.

Uh, just, um, maybe if I...

"I love you. You have 12 hours."

Look what God made. Ain't it... pretty?

You're kidding me!

She's my best nurse!

She's... very talented.

Which is why I don't wanna lose her in two weeks when she comes to me with a broken heart and a transfer form!

Why would she have a broken heart? Why in two weeks?

I think we both know what's going on here.

Oh, really? Maybe we're in love.

You're so, pfft, judgemental.

You've said those words to her?

"I love you, Aoife," you've said that?

I have... You know what? That's private.

So, no. Of course not.

Look, it's confusing, OK?

I only just found out that I'm a dad.

Oh, you're an appalling human being.

You can sleep on the floor.


You're not the boss of the bed, You know what? I need to get some air anyway.

You ARE an appalling human being.



Did you talk to your friend?

He's not my friend.

Hang on.

So, Trev, is he in the trial or not?

Trevor: There's no way. The list is full.

They're starting next week.

It's too late to even get Joey approved.


Alright, go back, offer him 50 grand.

L-like a bribe?

It's for Joey.

So not like a bribe, exactly a bribe.

Hugh, I'm not comfortable with that.

Well, call it a donation, no strings. Whatever it takes, OK?

(SIGHS) I'll do it.

Call me back.

(SNEEZES) Oh, God. Ooh.


It's just like being back at Chequers.

I saw Shirley Bassey there, you know.

That must have been amazing.

I feel like dancing. Come on, sugar, let's dance.


You certainly do have the moves.

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.

Spin me.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

Oh, you're making my heart flutter.



Oh, it's beating so... fast.

Sit down, sit down.

You on any medications, Deb? Anything for your heart? Deb?

Penny, wake up. Wake up!

What is it?

Atrial fibrillation.

Wake up Martin and see what kind of medication Deb's on.

Stay with me, Deb.

OK, Martin, we're gonna use the defibrillator to reset the arrhythmia.

Now, when I tell you, you can't touch her, OK?

Switching on.




And stand clear.


OK, heartbeat's good.

She'll be OK?

She's just had an arrhythmia.

I got her stable again. She's gonna be just fine.

Martin: It's lucky I fell off the roof, eh, love?

Hey? Got the doctors here.

Deb: A cup of tea would be nice.

Martin: You'll be alright.

Martin: Thanks, Doctor.

Thank you.


Take care.

Deb: What did they want?

Irresponsible, stupid, reckless, immature, not to mention illegal.

Look, she's admitted to taking it herself and she's fine.

She has Alzheimer's.

When are you gonna grow up and accept responsibility for anything?

Hard to say.


I'll have to take that.

Of course you do.

And I'll be needing your urine sample.


I came to this country to get away from this kind of corruption.

Did it work?

50 grand donation.

And Joey's on the trial.

You're a genius.

I feel... dirty. Leave me alone.




(DEEP VOICE) "We're in love." You're ridiculous.

Maybe we are.

And maybe a pig's about to fly past our window.

Oh, well...

Welcome back.

Dr Knight, we've got a bit of a situation with Jazz, the penectomy.

Oh, your drug buddy. Isn't that sweet?

Aoife, I love you.

What is wrong with you?

I'm saying it back.

Bugger me, timing!

You'd better get over there.

By the way, I love you so much right now.

You can speak to the doctor.


Well, you're looking better.

Amazing how a bit of fresh air fixes... most things.

This is my fiancée, Erin.

Hugh Knight.

He won't tell me what's going on.


What is going on? It's not serious, is it?

We have the most perfect wedding, honeymoon, life planned.

He's freaking me out.

Everything's... fine..

Then why's he here?

And everything is also relative.

You can think that something is enough, a-and then you get a bit less and then you realise that that is also good.

In fact, it could even be a better... fit.

Is he dying?

Oh, no.

No! No, no, of course not.

Oh, thank God.

I love him so much. (LAUGHS) What is it?

Why is it such a mystery?

Nothing has to change.

What's wrong with him?

Jazz has suffered a self-inflicted penectomy.

What's that?

He was high on ice and cut the end of his old fella off.

Look, but it's fine.

He has a fully functioning urethra.

It's a happy ending when you think about it.



You were high on ice and you cut off your cock?!

It was just the tip.


I know.

So it's rehab for him, counselling for you both and no s*x for a while.

Oh, no danger of THAT!


There probably wasn't a way I could have told that news where she was gonna be happy.

No, I guess not.

You've got some fluid build-up so we're gonna give you something called a thoracentesis.

That doesn't sound good.

Nah, doesn't hurt.

It'll just drain the fluid off your lung so you can breathe a bit easier.

Little sting here.

It's just gonna come back.

Not after this trial, it won't.

How much is all this gonna cost anyway?

Don't you worry about that. That's all sorted.

At least, it will be.


What are you doing, Hugh?

Helping out?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, that's crap.

I know you're looking for Mum's money.


What's it for?



He's running out of time.

I found this thing that could help him...

Well, I'm pretty sure it can help him.

99% certain. Odds are good.

Anyway, I had to convince these people that I was right, and for that I need cash.

Yeah, whatever. It's not Mum's anyway.

Other side of the fountain, 10 paces to the east.

Oh! f*ck.

You hear about Dad and Matt?

Reckon Dad had it coming.

He's just not very good at talking.

Jeez, you always forgive him, don't you?

Why do you two hate him so much?

Well, that way he is with you, we never saw any of that.

I mean, I walked away years ago, but Matt's always put up with it.

Maybe he finally had enough.

He's never even raised his voice at me.

No. You're the special one.

What, because I'm adopted?

How do you feel about that?

Oh, like, I don't know, I've never felt different, except with you, maybe, but everyone feels that.

What does that mean?

Nah, I don't wanna say.

Uh, no, say.

When you'd visit, before, everyone would kinda act up, be all smart or funny or whatever.

And once you'd go, we could all relax and be ourselves again.

I don't know, it was like you were the special one and I was just part of the family.



You owe me one.

Any time.

How about now?

It's 3am.

You should just be getting home by now.

What sort of gay are you?

Country gay.

We need your help.

(LAUGHS) Hey, hey, do you know what I've been thinking about?

Hocking Street.

Hocking Street.

Every single letterbox all at once.

Pwhoo! (LAUGHS)

Bwwwm! (LAUGHS)

Will you two old ladies stop gasbagging and get on with it?


He sounds just like you when we were 16.

No! You think?


Come on, let's go.

Nathan: Watch out.

Ah, what are you guys doing?

Hayles! Oh. It's for Mum.

Ah-hah, it's illegal and dangerous.

Look, would you rather spin a story about an explosion or a huge...

Don't say it! (GROANS) I never want to hear that word again.


Actually, I quite like it from this angle.

There's a classic balance to the composition that's very pleasing.

Oh, enough with the chitchat. Let's blow this mother.



Ajax: Yeah!

You know, we should really just, um...

Nathan: Yeah.






What's this?

Give that to Trevor when you arrive. It's for the trial.

Are you sure you wanna waste this on me?

How do you know I won't take the cash and run away to Mexico?

Because I've seen you on tequila and it's embarrassing.


If you were me, would you be doing this?


Well, then, I really am making the wrong decision.




Hugh: Ohhh.

Um, just wait, stop. Stop.

I-I've got something to say and once I've said it you're gonna think I'm a prick, so brace yourself.

This doesn't sound good.

I'm sorry that I said I loved you.


Not that you're not loveable - you're hilarious and beautiful and sexy as.

I just... didn't say it for the right reasons.

In fact, if you compiled a list of circumstances under which it's the worst possible reason to tell someone you loved them, I ticked all the boxes and then some.

So you don't love me?

Everyone loves you.


Not the way you deserve to be loved, no.

You're right.

I think you're a prick.


That's a very expensive mess.

Luckily, the insurance covers all the damages.

We're covered?

Theft, destruction and vandalism up to and including the value of the artwork.

Who knows, with all that publicity, the estimated value could have even gone up.


Which child did you steal that from?

No, it's mine.

You've been taking a big risk on my behalf.

I need a doctor - it's not for you, it's for the hospital.

Still... I keep putting you in that position.


Thank you.


No, um... thank you.


Such a b*st*rd! Oh, my God.


Is that what I think it is?


Maybe somebody died.