s01e06 - Episode Six

This is quite a big attachment.

What?

The Chilcot Report I'm printing.

No. No, Ruby, I asked you to print an article about the Chilcot Report.

The report is 2.6 million words long.

It is very large, which will be a plus when someone shoves it up Tony Blair's arse.

"I'll be with you whatever."

It's got to be the first war triggered by a Whitney Houston lyric!

So it's about this war thing, right?

So what does it say about, you know, about the soldiers?

That they were lions misled by donkeys.

It says, "Future wars need greater care," Ruby.

Yeah, for the next war, there'll be a full health and safety risk assessment.

"People should be made aware of the dangers of uneven surfaces and destabilising the Middle East."

So this Blair, who had a bromance with that president guy, is he going to prison?

He's been criticised for "government by sofa".

We were governed by a sofa?

It would've been safer if we were.

Shouldn't this...

Both: Tony Blair...

..be punished?

I'm sure now he's a Catholic there's a circle of hell reserved for him.

Or, if they really wanted to punish him, they could make him the leader of the Labour Party.

This wedding is creeping me out.

I must go on and see the rest.

Hello, how are you?

How's your dad's funeral coming along?

Ugh, brother and sister are driving me mad.

I mean, she wants something loosely based on Princess Diana's funeral, and he wants panpipes and shaman.

Truth is my dad would have hated all this fuss.

Well, why not tell them that?

One more opinion, it's just going to complicated things.

Hey, fellow Brexiteers. Are you having a good time?

Yeah, yeah.

We haven't seen Margosha, haven't been able to congratulate her.

Oh, yeah. She's, um...somewhere.

She went out a while back, she's probably mingling.

She's a mingler. Yeah. Yeah.

I got you a present.

I didn't.

A poor person getting a rich person a present, it makes no sense.

Right.

It's just an album of photos that I took when we were doing the Brexit roadshow.

There's a very good one of you holding Iain Duncan Smith upside down.

Oh, happy days! I am having such a great week!

And now Chris Evans has been given the elbow from Top Gear!

See, his big mistake was co-presenting alongside someone likeable.

Oh, and there's also a good one of you arm-wrestling Andrea Leadsom.

Actually, I think you'll find it's pronounced "loathsome".

Oh, I can't stand that woman. Why?

Cos she's an ex-banker and she looks Chinese.

Well... Also, she's going to sell us out. But...

Whoever becomes PM is going to sell us out, Gerry.

Well, currently, she's ahead of Gove...

I wonder what his next move will be.

Probably push her under a train.

OK, team, are we ready to roll?!

Yep.

Lauren, I'm not getting "winner" from you.

Maybe that's because Mr Trump used his speech last night to praise Saddam Hussein.

Uh-huh.

Saddam Hussein, who gassed half a million of his own people?

And...?

Mr Trump said he was a bad guy.

Just said he was good at killing terrorists. So that makes him, what?

A good bad guy. Like...a serial killer who kills abortionists.

We can't keep doing this stuff.

That poster of Hillary with the Star of David?

That was not the Star of David.

That was a sheriff's star.

It's like this one I've done of Obama.

Tell me that is not a noose.

That is a good old-fashioned cowboy's lasso.

Just give me your phone, Brett.

This is outrageous!

The British media call us aggressive, but the UK military are sending 500 men into Estonia.

No more than a typical stag weekend.

It's all part of the demonization of Russia.

Don't say it.

It is like with Eurovision.

He said it.

Who do these people think they are?

They call themselves the United Kingdom - they're not.

Great Britain? No. Mediocre Britain.

Football's coming home?

No, it left home a long time ago and doesn't even write.

Alexei...

And if our girl at Wimbledon beats Serena Williams, they will just say she is on drugs.

She will need to be.

Mark my words, all the quislings and Judases will start backsliding now.

That's sort of what Farage is saying. Yeah.

I was surprised when he resigned.

I wasn't, he's always doing it.

The man is an attention-seeker.

"Ooh, look at me, I want my life back!

"Ooh, I'm being rude to a Belgian!

"Ooh, look at my silly Union Jack shoes!

"Ooh, I've crashed my plane!"

Looks like Blair's really getting it from all sides now.

You know, it's odd, but part of me feels a little sorry for Blair.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.

Listen, Gerry, could you...?

I'm due to do my speech in a minute and you're a man of taste.

I'm not sure about one of the jokes.

What, this one about the man having a button sewn on to his pen1s?

No, no, no, that's all right, that's a belter. No, this one.

See, her mum and dad are staunch Catholics.

Does it have to be about the Pope?

Somehow it's not as funny with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Well... does it have to be a gorilla holding the candle?

Preeya, you must be pleased.

There are two women left who could be the next Prime Minister.

Three if you count Sarah Vine.

(Phone vibrates)

Yep. Look, just find a way of selling my Standard Life shares.

I want the proceeds in dollars, not sterling.

What do you mean, "same thing"?

Oh, dearie me.

Do you wish you hadn't pretended to support Brexit now?

Do you wish that you weren't a prick?

Listen...if there's one thing I've learnt in my many years of conflict resolution, it's...

(Stomach grumbles)

Oliver, there appear to be six milk cartons left out of the fridge today.

No, actually, I think you'll find it's seven.

You probably haven't seen the one on the printer.

Oliver, can I just say that your attempts at provocation will have no effect on me because, unlike you, I am a calm and controlled person with many coping strategies.

Tony.

Tony, I would like to talk about what happened between us.

You know, at the hotel?

You called it right when you said, let's say it never happened.

I wasn't expecting you to take me quite so literally.

No, no, I think that was a brilliant call, Sara.

What happens in Guildford stays in Guildford.

It wasn't in Guildford.

(Stomach grumbles)

Oh, no, you can ask Mr Trump about anything, as long as it's not on the list.

You got the attachment, right?

Oh, OK. Hang on.

Hi, Lauren.

We are living, breathing history.

Let me guess, he said, "Go, fella," right?

No, no. He didn't say, "Go, fella."

We had a whole conversation. He...

Just on the phone.

So it's just page four you're missing, right?

That is don't mention casinos, Trump University, Alex Salmond, wind farms, zucchini, his hair, Wyoming, Ivana, the duodenum, emus.

Oh, and obviously, statutory rape.

And, obviously, have a fantastic interview, Celeste. Bye.

Bea, you'll never guess what happened to me today.

No, I don't think I will.

Lauren, I am getting concerned about the potential for violence at the rally in the hangar tonight.

I know. The way things are going, sooner or later, someone could get killed.

Yeah, and it needs to be one of their guys killing one of our guys, not one of our guys killing one of their guys.

But in case it is one of our guys who does the killing, can you prepare a media strategy?

You want a media strategy for a murder?

Yeah. Oh, talking of murder, has anyone got a pithy one-liner Mr Trump can tweet about this police shooting in Louisiana?

What's this? An African-American guy was selling CDs outside a store when two cops wrestled him to the ground and shot him five times.

That's crazy!

He was selling CDs?

People still buy those?!

(He speaks russian)

No, no, Oleg. In English.

The Vladimir wants me to keep improving my English.

He wants it to be perfect, because he is taking me to the International Motor Show next month.

Is that right? Yes.

Hmm.

What do you make of these e-mails that Hillary Clinton has sent on an unsecured account?

Oh, we read all those a long time ago. Very boring.

"Bill, where are you?" "Bill, turn your phone on." "Bill, there's another pair of panties in the back of the Prius, you b*st*rd!"

So when did he tell you he was taking you to the Motor Show?

In the changing room.

After ice hockey.

I think he likes me quite a lot.

Yes.

Which is why you are walking the dog now.

(Alexei laughs)

Who do you think will end up as Labour leader?

I don't know, don't care.

I am leaving the Labour Party.

I've e-mailed them asking for my three quid back.

You're leaving the party?

Yeah, and starting my own.

So, what, you're going to put up parliamentary candidates and...

We're not going to stand for Parliament, Gerry.

We're not dinosaurs.

No, we're just going to have millions of online members.

And I'm going to call it E-Quality.

Get it, cos it's, like...E-Quality?

Unless that name's already taken, in which case, we'll call it something like E-Volution, or...

..E-Ger. OK.

On every issue, we'll have daily online referendums, and let the people decide.

A clickocracy.

Right. So, what do you reckon about the jokes?

OK, well, personally, I wouldn't do that one, that one, and maybe not the one about the blind Irish gynaecologist.

What? That's my closing boffo.

I know, but you don't want to upset anybody.

Especially not today.

Perhaps I'll just close with the one about George Osborne getting Ebola.

Yeah, they'll love that, yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

(Sweeping orchestral music plays)

It's an ace campaign ad, isn't it?

He looks strong - man of steel.

In the West, this will be met with laughter. Laughter?

Yes, there is a word in English -

"camp".

This looks camp.

The Western media will greet this with ridicule.

He doesn't care what the West thinks.

Obviously you've got to know him better than I do in a few weeks.

And why are you wasting the President's time with all these briefings on Michael Gove?

This Mr Gove is boasting, if he becomes Prime Minister, he's more than a match for Mr Putin.

Only, every time I type his name in, I just get this picture of this nerdy schoolboy.

OK, a few notes -

Mr Trump wants us to keep pushing Crooked Hillary's e-mails.

But the FBI aren't going to press charges.

Who cares what the Federal Bureau of Israel says?

Also, Mr Trump is bored with calling Hillary "the most crooked candidate ever".

He wants something stronger.

So far, he's got... "the most corrupt woman that's ever lived on any planet, ever."

Oh, and Brett, you're fired.

What?

A lot of people would've gotten someone else to do a job like that, Brett, but I fired you "mano a mano", to your face.

And not just because I enjoyed it.

No! That's gotta be a mistake.

Let me talk to Mr Trump.

Mr Trump fired you.

No. No, that cannot be. Cos I talked to him this morning. He said, "Are we gonna win, fella?" And I said, "Hell, yeah!"

Apparently, you paused before you said it.

Lauren, the crowd are gathering already and they look a little...lively.

Just to be safe, I'm going to say no press at this rally.

No, I couldn't have paused. Could I? Is that what Mr Trump said?

Yeah.

Then I must have paused.

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

I am so bushed...

Luckily, I got these guys to keep me going.

Do you want some?

Get 'em online? Yeah - next day delivery from Guatemala.

I'll pass, thanks.

Why? Why did you pause, Brett?

Do you not truly believe?

Is this like that time you didn't truly believe in the Redeemer and he punished you with all those unnatural feelings towards Mother Teresa?

Listen, Brett...

Curse you, Brett.

Curse your hesitation.

This is fantastic!

Have you seen how the Labour Party are going to resolve their conflicts?

Ritual suicide?

I admire the way they're avoiding conflict-heavy conversations by not letting opponents talk to Jeremy Corbyn.

Yeah, we've gone from Blair's Babes to Cameron's Cuties to Corbyn's Carers.

Blair's making his statement.

And Blair says he's expressing more sorrow and regret than we'll ever believe.

Well, for once, he's right.

Boris who? Quite.

No, I'm absolutely, 100% committed to Andrea.

Yeah... See you at Lords.

Love to Miss Whippy.

Tony?

Oh, John Whittingdale - great sense of humour.

Michael Gove's people wondered which way you were inclined.

100% committed to Michael - absolutely.

Cos I also heard you are 100% committed to Theresa.

Well, uh...

You don't want to cross Mrs Gove.

You don't know what she might accidentally send to a member of the public.

But The Vladimir has seen this commercial and he likes it.

Oh... If this is met by ridicule in the West, do you think President Putin will be angry? Yes.

With me? It's possible.

If he feels you should have warned him.

You see, he hates yes men.

I can still hear him now, talking about your predecessor.

He said, "That little sh1t never had the balls to tell me the truth!"

Lucky for you, of course, you got his job when he was fired.

So you really think I should warn him?

It's just...that's quite like telling him he's wrong.

Last week I saw a woman start a sentence with, "You're wrong, Mr President."

What did she think he was wrong about?

She didn't get any further - he can shout really loud.

She didn't have the special relationship that you have with him, did she?

This is true.

He will appreciate your honest opinion.

Yes.

How do you think I should express my honest opinion?

You just go in there, man-to-man, look him in the eyes and tell him he's made a misjudgement.

So I say, very politely, "Mr President, this film could invite ridicule."

Good. Courteous, but firm.

And if he asks why?

"Because, Mr President, with respect, it makes you look a bit gay."

Excellent.

I think this will take your relationship with him to a whole new level.

I will do this.

And tomorrow, you will be walking the dog again.

Bea? Yeah?

Donald's going to be 45 minutes late?

There's a crowd of 5,000 out there waiting for him.

No, I'm not sending Palin on!

It's after midday.

Listen, Bea, Brett is very upset.

He's beating himself up.

I get it, it's tough on him.

No, he's beating himself up with his fists, down behind the hangar.

Oh, my God!

That level of self-criticism shows real drive.

Listen, Bea, I have to say this.

I'm not happy working on this campaign.

Oh, I'm sorry, we really do need to address that.

Seriously?

No. You know what?

You should be on your hands and knees, thanking God that you'll have this campaign on your resume.

This is a turning point in history.

The birth of our first celebrity president.

Just wait and see who stands in 2020.

Sean Penn, Kanye West, some asshole off Survivor, and at least two Kardashians.

Obama isn't the first black president.

He's the last politician president.

Not if Hillary wins.

Hillary's the biggest f*cking celebrity of them all.

She's only there cos she's Bill's wife.

Oh...

She's a Jerry Springer episode.

"My husband inserted his cigar in the intern."

(He sighs)

Are you OK? Mm, yeah.

Just my sister and brother still arguing over Dad's funeral.

Say something, then.

See? You were wrong about the blind Irish gynaecologist.

It went down well.

There were quite a few gasps.

And that woman fainted.

She's fine, the paramedics have given her oxygen.

Margosha enjoyed the speech, didn't she?

Did you see how much she was laughing?

We laugh at the same things, and that's got to be a brilliant foundation for a relationship, hasn't it, eh?

Spencer, listen...

I know she's not perfect, who is?

And I'm not foolish.

I don't expect her to be exclusive.

See, people think if you're rich, you can't be lonely, but they're wrong.

All I want is not to be rattling round a big house and to be pleased when I hear a key in the door.

And lots of s*x, obviously.

I am very happy for you, Spencer.

Just got to go check the dwarves are ready to pop out of the cake.

Top-up? Sure.

(Phone buzzes)

Gerry's phone?

Why have you crossed out #ABB?

Because I have moved from Anyone But Boris to Anyone But Gove.

So why is it #ABCMCF?

"Anyone But Cunty McCuntFace".

Trigger word?

Mm...no, I think that's probably OK if it's Michael Gove.

Michael is still best equipped to be our next leader.

What?! Look at him.

Competence - dyslexia has done more for education than he has.

Electability - he makes the public retch.

You might as well elect the corpse of Jimmy Savile.

You're so full of hate and negativity, you should be in Ukip.

Well, it was you and Gove who held hands with them during the referendum.

I happen to know that the only reason that you were sent to this unit is because nobody else would have an alcoholic gambling addict with all the people skills of the South Yorkshire Police and they are waiting for your contract to end so they can fire you.

Ruby, can I say what a tremendous asset you've been over the past few weeks?

Oh, you're being very nice to me.

Do you want me to ask Daddy something? God, no!

Though actually, as you mention it, I did wonder if Daddy had decided to throw his generous contributions behind Mr and Mrs Macbeth?

No, not got that.

(Crashing)

(Preeya yelps)OK, so is your dad going to support a certain bespectacled ex-Justice Minister for the leadership?

No, sorry, you're just going to have to say it.

Bloke at the bar said Corbyn did quite well, though he was still heckled by one of his own backbenchers.

Only one? That's progress.

Oh, by the way, your sister rang.

Oh?

Yeah, and I told her what you said.

About what?

About your dad's funeral being ridiculously over the top and not at all what he'd have wanted.

Jesus Christ, Jackie!

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

Just wading into people's lives like some...wrecking ball of self-righteous certainty.

Well, it's the truth.

Have you ever had a thought in your head that you haven't said out loud?

Yes, I'm having one now.

Oh, God...

How did she react?

Well, she cried a bit...

Great. But when she calmed down, she said she could see you were totally right.

Right? She said she'd let it all run away with her and she was very sorry and could you give her a call about scaling it down?

Right.

That's all it took?

Truth heals, Gerry.

Would you like me to ring your brother?

Could you?

(He speaks in Russian)

(Stapler clicks)

Argh!

Is your dad backing Gove or not?

Oh, got you - oh, I can answer that.

And what is the answer?

Just last night, he said it...

What?

"Sod it", he said, after this shambles, I'm moving to Monaco."

Right...I see.

(Zipping)

For heaven's sake, stop it!

We are the party of government.

If we can't behave with a minimum of dignity and self-control, what hope is there for the country?

(Stomach growls)

Oh, Jesus!

Hurble, burble, wurble - it's like Boris Johnson's in there.

I'm sorry, did you laugh?

Yeah, it's quite funny.

Are you going to use one of your coping strategies now?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Agh!

Bloody hell!

Right, well, if there's true gender equality, I'm allowed to deck her, right?

Arrghh!

Now, don't do something you would regret...

Agh!

Well, I haven't done so far.

And by the way, Tony, that never happened.

Oh, and it's SARA.

(Phone rings)

Hello, Unity Unit?

Oh, I've have missed something, haven't I?

God, it's like Reservoir Dogs.

Dunno, never seen it.

It's too violent for me.

Is it good?

Well... (Sorry.)

No, not at all.

I believe that our passionate common purpose which binds this party together is far greater than a few temporary disagreements.

(Cheering on video)

Hi, I'm Bea Jennings, Mr Trump's assistant head of communications.

(Cheering)

Thank you for your patience.

The Donald will be here as soon as he can.

Chanting: Trump, Trump, Trump!

Yeah!

And what's the Donald going to build between us and Mexico?

Crowd: A wall!

I didn't quite catch that.

Crowd: A wall! A wall!

Yeah! A wall.

And what's going to happen if the establishment and media cronies try and cheat us out of the presidency?

(Crowd boos and hisses)

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

An insurrection.

(Crowd murmurs in confusion)

An insurrection - that's like...a big riot.

(Crowd roars)

Chanting: Riot! Riot! Riot!

Yeah, we'll go to DC and drag our enemies out of their beds, and what will we do to them?

Crowd: Kill, kill, kill!

And what will we do to Hillary?

Crowd member: Kill the bitch!

(Cheering)

Chanting: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Anyhow, um...I just wanted to say that the Donald was going to be a little bit late.

And...thank you for your patience.

Chanting: Kill Hillary! Kill Hillary! Kill Hillary!

And can nobody tweet any of this?

Kill Hillary! Kill Hillary! 'Kill Hillary! Kill Hillary...!'