06x19 - Dad Bod-y of Work

Dre: I'm a great dad. No, I'm the greatest dad. If Nas and Michael Jordan had a baby that was a great dad, it'd be me.

Tuition.

Paid in full.

Cash?

I threw a little something extra in for you.

Pah-pow!

I support them academically.

Dad, I'm having the hardest time with algebra.

Well, good thing you came to the math king.

If Nas and Michael Jordan had a baby that was great at math, it'd be me.

And I'm always there for them when they need me the most.

Hey, son.

Yeah.

That street cat chased me up here again.

( Cat meows )

Yeah, you're gonna have to stop walking around with meat in your pocket.

Hey, Bow!

Gonna need my ladder.

I pride myself on being the GOAT of dads. So, if there's something I'm not doing, it's news to me.

Good morning.

Dre Johnson, right?

Yeah.

Vincent Broadnax. New dad here.

Oh! Hey, Vincent. Welcome, man.

Always good to have another brother at the school.

Hey, if there's anything I can help you with, I got your back.

Well, there is one thing.

Anything.

I'd like you to volunteer for the Valley Glen Give Back Day.

Nope.

I thought he was going to ask me which teachers are racist. Volunteer? No, thank you.

Volunteer?

Come on, Dre.

Hey!

It's gonna be fun.

The Give Back Day carnival is a chance for our kids to see their parents getting their hands dirty and to do some good for our Valley Glen community.

Hey, you know what, man? I'm really busy at work.

You know, client dinners, e-mails, reports.

I... You know how hard it is to get out from under all that stuff, right?

Well, actually, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Oh.

Okay.

That, um... Good for you.

Yeah. You know, it's the best job I've ever had.

I know you're busy.

Mm.

But don't you think it's important that dads stay involved in their kids' lives?

Uh, you know, man? Hey, I'm cool, all right?

A-As a matter of fact, I'm overly involved.

You know?

M-My kids tell me to back off all the time.

All I'm saying is you can't get these years back, and they go so fast.

I'm good.

All right, Josh, you have our undivided attention. Go.

So, what's AT&T TV?

It's the new premium TV service for all your entertainment needs...

( Book slams )

W... Oh, no.

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

This dad at school said I'm not involved in my kids' lives.

What?

Me!

Okay. Uh, Josh, you now have half of my attention.

Oh. Okay. Great.

Uh, so, as I was saying, with AT&T TV, you can find what you love with a voice command.

For instance, to find "The Bachelor," just say, "Play 'The Bachelor.'"

It's that easy.

Outstanding work, Joshua.

I just have one question.

Who does this dad think he is, Dre?

I know, right?

Because I am super involved in my kids' lives.

Mm-hmm.

Guys, if I could just finish this...

Besides, I have a full-time job.

My schedule is jam-packed.

Yeah.

I work a hundred hours a week.

Oh, whoa. A hundred hours?

It feels like it.

Okay.

Meanwhile, this dude has all the time in the world to volunteer because he is a stay-at-home dad.

Ha! I-I think you misheard that.

I think it's pronounced "stay-at-home mom."

Mnh-mnh.

So was Mrs. Doubtfire.

Hey, let's watch it on AT&T TV, the new premium...

Charlie: This guy is a stay-at-home dad?

Damn it!

Yep.

Is he under house arrest?

Mnh-mm.

Witness protection?

( Scoffs )

Is he a ghost?

Look, I work my fingers to the bone to provide an incredible life for my family while this dude goes goat yoga.

Hmm.

You know what?

I'm not gonna even let him get in my head.

Woo-sah.

Let's all just take a break and order lunch.

That is a great idea, Dre.

( Clears throat )

AT&T TV, eject three meat lover's pizzas.

( Clears throat )

Charlie, that's not how that works.

I understand.

Eject three cheese pizzas.

They're cooking.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh!

So, that's what Steve Harvey's been up to.

Anyway, I know you didn't get your flu shot, but the hospital just got restocked.

Oh, okay. Cool. I'll make an appointment.

Oh, no, you won't.

Rainbow, why are you trying to inject my grandson with white people mystery chemicals?

Oh, Ruby, please tell me you're not one of those people that believes in the conspiracy theories around the flu shot.

Ruby, you need to get one.

You are in the demographic that is most likely to die from the flu, Ruby.

You're old.

You don't need to repeat your Big Fluoride talking points to me.

I know the government uses those flu shots to shut up strong Black women...

Joycelyn Elders, Lauryn Hill, the first Aunt Viv.

I didn't know any of this.

Well, it's true.

No, it's not, and don't listen to her.

This is a woman who shoves a clove of garlic up her butt at the first sign of a cold.

And I haven't had a cough since 1979.

Ruby...

Wow.

...this is a flu shot house, okay?

The shot is perfectly safe, Junior.

I'm a doctor. You can trust me.

I only trust three doctors... Scholl's, Mae C. Jemison, and that cute little white boy in the scrubs that played keyboards for Prince.

( Laughs )

The next day, I walked on to that campus secure in my dad-hood.

Why is your volcano so heavy?

What did you fill it with? Real lava?

What? Volcano? That's a termite mound.

Keep up, Dad.

Okay, look, that's what you get for having your mother do your homework for you, all right?

This does not look like a termite mound.

Oh, nice termite mound.

Hey, Dre. Did you think about what I asked you?

I did, and, you know, I got a lot going on, man.

I'm always on the clock, you know?

Your wife would understand. Ask her.

Hey, thanks for always thinking about me, though.

Appreciate you.

Well, there's always next year.

Yeah. ( Chuckles )

Sorry you guys had to see that.

Well, you did the right thing.

That guy's got to lay off with the volunteering.

Mm.

It's obvious you're a money dad.

Eh...

Yeah. You're a money dad.

Yeah, you do the things that count.

You pay for our house, our food, our seasonal wardrobes.

Okay, I am more than just a money dad.

Both: Mm...

Are you?

Buy yourself a new pair of shoes.

I suck at math, but don't tell my daughter.

I'm her hero.

Can you get my son down from up there?

And, uh... take care of that street cat.

Make it look like an accident.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's gonna get you, son!

Oh, no.

But it's all good.

You heat the pool, get us new laptops, you blessed us with that unlimited data.

We don't have unlimited data.

But we live like we do, because you're a money dad.

And we love you for it.

Is that all I am to my kids? Just a wallet in sneakers?

Oh! ( Bleep )! Is that a termite? What the...

Look, I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say here.

Loose Craig doesn't need you to get the drugs for him.

He just needs you to write the prescription.

He'll get the drugs himself, and he'll pay you.

Mm-hmm. No, I understand, Pops.

You're asking me to be a drug dealer.

And I'm not doing it.

Technically, the pharmacist is the drug dealer.

No, Pops.

Hey. Can I ask you guys something?

Yeah, as long as it's not for a bulk order of statins.

The kids say I'm just a money dad.

Why would they say that?

'Cause you are.

Because you are.

What?

You can't be surprised, Dre.

You did hire somebody to teach Junior how to ride a bicycle.

I don't need to hear that from you.

You were a horrible father.

Sure, by 2020 standards.

But you can't compare fatherhood across generations.

Bob Cousy was one of the best basketball players of his day.

Now they wouldn't even let him hand out towels.

I love you, Pops, but I'm pretty sure that walking out on your family was frowned upon back then, too.

Mm-hmm.

And what if I wanted to be more involved in Dre's life?

How would that have looked?

A father hanging around the school?

What?

Oh, no.

They would've called the police.

Of course, that's what they expect of dads nowadays.

I'm sorry you got a raw deal, son.

Sorry.

Yeah, maybe I did.

You didn't.

But the kids don't know that.

What?

I'm jumping in.

Dre is volunteering for Valley Glen's Give Back Day.

You're gonna start with Give Back Day?

Mm-hmm.

Dre, that's the most intense event of the year.

I do lice screenings so that I don't get roped into Give Back Day.

Okay, well, then maybe this is the perfect opportunity for me to show the kids that I can be just as good a father as Vincent.

I just choose not to.

You're a good woman to put up with my son, Rainbow.

( Chuckles ) Thank you, Pops.

I saw you take the prescription pad.

( Slurps )

Thank you.

Had to try.

Mm-hmm.

When the day came, I was the most plugged-in and enthusiastic volunteer that Give Back Day had ever seen.

There you are, ma'am.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, Vincent.

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't want to brag man, but... ha...

I've got the longest line out here.

You know, I'm volunteering so hard, Valley Glen's gonna be able to send these kids on a field trip to the moon.

You are the only one who brought ribs to a bake sale.

Well, you know.

Thanks for doing this, man.

Mm-hmm.

Look, I know you're super busy, so don't worry.

You'll be able to get out of here soon.

No. I don't need to get out of here.

I'm Andre Johnson, present volunteer dad.

Hey, anything you need, I'm your guy.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

There you are. Enjoy.

Because what we really need is for someone to man the dunk tank.

It's very hard to find parents who are willing to insult members of our community.

Ha! A miss! Another mistake!

Just like you!

( Laughs )

Oh! Oh, hey, wait a minute, lady.

Where's your husband at?

Oh, wait. Like you would know.

( Chuckles ) Try Ms. Johnson's house.

Oh, let's hope your daddy has enough money to bribe your way into SC.

Who's your daddy?

Your mama don't even know who your daddy is.

Wow, Dad.

This is amazing.

Mm-hmm.

I knew you could talk trash, but this is next level.

Mm-hmm.

I finally feel like I learned something from you.

Wow.

You said you learned all you could from me by the age of 7.

Yeah.

Thanks, Diane.

Hey, son.

Yeah?

You want to take a whack at it?

See if you can dunk your old man?

Mm, normally, I would love throwing stuff at you, Dad, but I've got to meet Savannah.

Oh. Savannah's back in the picture?

Yeah. Kind of.

We don't know what we are yet.

Why don't you take her to the funnel cake booth and tell her the only thing sweeter is her?

Ooh. I like that.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Dad.

I never knew I could talk to you about girls.

I mean, sports, food, uh, putting your hand down the garbage disposal, sure, but this is a good look on you.

Oh. Thank you, son.


Sitting up on my dunk tank throne, I realized the high of helping my kids was something money couldn't buy.

Ooh!

Look who we got here!

I'm only gonna need one.

Biggsy.

You may be principal, but here, you're my...

( Cheers and applause )

I played Division 1 softball at Arizona.

Better recognize.

Did you get your flu shot?

Yeah. Here's the thing.

I started looking into some of the stuff Grandma's talking about, and it seems like the jury is still out on the flu shot.

For the love of God!

Junior, I would have expected this from Jack, but not from you.

If the point's to not get sick, then why take a shot that gives you the flu?

It doesn't give you the flu.

Okay, it gives you...

...a little bit of the flu, Junior...

Mm-hmm.

...but that is because that's the way vaccines work.

See, but there's still so much we don't know.

What?

Yesterday, I saw a video on the Internet of this girl who got the flu shot, and afterwards, she could only walk backward.

And I saw a video of a girl who swallowed a balloon filled with baby powder so she would lose weight.

What?

( Whispering ) That's why we don't go on the Internet for medical advice.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I want to believe.

( Normal voice ) Do you?

Do you, Junior?

Do you want to believe?

I don't.

I don't. Yeah.

Well, you are bringing a virus into this house that is worse than the flu!

The virus of medical skepticism!

By the end of the day, I had proven to everyone that I wasn't just a money dad. I could work and be involved at my kids' school.

Above and beyond today, Big Dre.

Mm.

That's the most money the dunk tank has ever made.

People really don't like you.

Oh, well, you know, the key is to find what the thrower is most insecure about and mock it mercilessly.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

I used your funnel cake line on Savannah, and now she wants to meet at the top of the Ferris wheel.

I don't know how I'm gonna get up there, but still, thanks.

And I used some of your insults to make an 11th-grader cry.

I think she might jump me, but it was amazing.

You see those smiles?

That's why we do it, Dre.

I want to do more of that.

Hey, I'm all in.

Well, if you like, there are plenty more opportunities to volunteer.

We need lunch help on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the D&D club needs an advisor, and we're always looking for people to help out in the community garden on Monday mornings.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

How am I supposed to do all that when I have work?

Well, that's the choice, man.

Kind of hard to do both.

So, while I'm at work like a dope, you get to spend time with your number-one people?

Quality time, getting to know your kids better?

Ah, that's the joy of being a stay-at-home dad.

Oh, man. I want that joy.

You did what you could.

And maybe in another six months, you can do it again.

I...

I wasn't having it all. I was just getting a reminder of what I was missing out on.

Uh, by the way, you might want to get an Uber.

There's an angry mob waiting by your car.

Okay.

Ooh.

All right, Loose Craig is willing to let go of the prescription pad thing.

Mm.

But do you have a way to get bulk gauze?

No!

( Door closes )

Actually, I can help you with that.

What?

Yes.

Hey.

Hey.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to be home hours ago.

And why are you so ashy?

Ooh, boy, you smell like a barbecue joint before it opens... bleach and hickory.

Okay, okay. Everybody relax, all right?

I volunteered for the dunk tank, and no one has ever raised more money.

Then why do you look as happy as a Cleveland Browns fan?

( Sighs ) Because I liked helping at school today, and I think the kids liked having me there, too... ( Chuckles )

I want ways of doing this more.

You know, but I work.

You know, it's unfair that I can't do everything.

You are describing the classic working mom's dilemma.

What? No, no. This isn't the same, Bow.

Because of Vincent.

You know, whenever I'm around him, I'm made to feel less of a father because I can't be there for my children like he can.

Mm.

But he has to understand...

I work.

It's how we live, okay?

It's a part of who I am.

And then they start to treat you like you love your job more than you love your kids.

Oh, don't try to fix it, Bow. Just listen.

Today, I felt really good about being a part of their world.

I guess it's true what they say... dads can't have it all.

That's what they say?

About dads?

Yeah.

Uh...

I think it's best I remove myself from this situation.

What?

( Scoffs )

Look, son ( sniffs )... the fact that you're eaten up about the little bit that you don't do shows me that your heart's in the right place.

Every time I see all the good stuff you do for your kids, it makes me feel a little bit worse about how I raised you.

Really?

Nah, I don't look back like that, but you're doing a great job.

You need to give yourself a break.

Yeah.

Thanks, Pops.

Can you get my bottle back now, please?

That's Coolio's new rum.

It's hella expensive.

( Sighs )

Ah, there's my number-one girl.

Oh, you gotta stop saying that.

Facts don't lie.

Oh, God.

How was your day?

It was not a great day.

I got into a huge argument with one of the other doctors about climate change.

He doesn't believe in it?

No!

He said, "If global warming is happening, then why is there snow at my place in Deer Valley?"

Science says it is happening.

How can he go against science?

It's interesting that you say that, Junior, because...

...I pulled a couple of articles from some medical journals about the efficacy of the flu shot.

Yeah, but this is different...

Okay, listen to me, little boy.

You cannot pick and choose.

You cannot believe in climate change and not the flu shot.

Science has given us indoor plumbing, the moon landing, leave-in conditioner.

The simple fact is that science works.

And you getting the flu shot is gonna help to keep everyone safe.

( Sighs ) Fine. You got me.

I'll get the flu shot.

But I want to go to Shakey's after.

Oh, yeah. We can get pizza.

I said Shakey's.

Yeah. Pizza.

Well, well, well, well.

( Clears throat )

Science Witch.

Huh?

You may have tricked this sheep, but you'll never get me.

Hmm.

Listen, Ruby, young children are some of the most vulnerable to the flu.

Mm?

So, you're not gonna be able to take care of Devante if you don't get the flu shot.

But he's my favorite grandbaby.

Huh.

I already knew, but it still hurts to hear.

Just can't take a chance with my baby's health.

All right, I'll get the flu shot.

And I got some terms, Missy.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I want you to administer the shot, but I want a white male doctor to order it.

What?

That way, I know I'll definitely be getting the good stuff.

There's no s-s...

Yeah, you know what?

Yes.

I will get you the good stuff.

All right.

Yeah.

And hey, hey.

Yes?

I also want to go to Shakey's.

I think we've established I'm unguardable as a dad, but that doesn't mean I can't find ways to improve my game.

Hey, Vincent. Got a second?

Oh, Dre.

Here to help keep the school garden nice and tight?

If you see any slugs, just put them in the bucket so they can be re-homed.

I'm not gonna do that.

Besides, I can't stay, man.

I, uh...

I just came to apologize for, uh, talking trash about you being a stay-at-home dad.

What? Y-You didn't do that.

Well, not to your face.

But to my wife, my co-workers, the staff at the Coffee Commissary.

Look, man, what you said about prioritizing your kids, it really got under my skin.

Well, choosing not to work isn't all sweatpants and watching "The View."

It's hard being a stay-at-home dad in a world that only understands a stay-at-home mom.

Dad?

Hmm?

Why are you here during a workday?

Hey...

Wait, hold on, wait.

Is Grandma okay?

D... Did she catfish another congressman?

She's fine, okay?

I just came to talk to Vincent for a second, you know?

But I got to get back to work.

Oh. Of course.

We understand.

You know, I could use your help sifting through this compost.

Someone threw rice in there.

I always said my family comes first, and in that moment, it was nice to make that all the way true.

Hey, guys?

Let's do some dirt.

I got you.

Yeah.

Dads may not be able to have it all, but this one could have a little bit more.

Big-ass avocados.

It is so odd for Dre to be late for work.

Oh. Charlie, is... is today some sort of Black holiday we don't know about?

Yes. ( Chuckles )

I... I forgot.

Today is Black...

Tuesday.

It's Wednesday.

Hey, that's just... that's just how we do.

Okey doke.

No, no. You stay.

It's for Black people only.

Okay.