05x08 - Oh, Mama!

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Oh!

Be fun to watch these four grow up together.

Dave and Carmen just bought their dream house, so, you know...

What's next? You gonna tell us you guys can fly or something?

What are you, mad at me?

Because I broke the agreement, right, the plan?

We're not breaking up.

It's time to be a big girl now.

As much as I'd like to keep you all to myself, he's your forever guy.

I can't keep living in service to her damage.

I made Jack and Emma break up with you.

It has to be over. You did the right thing.

If they loved me, nothing you said would've mattered. Have you noticed how many times she's told us she's leaving immediately after the wedding?

The wedding to which we're no longer invited.

Did I mention your mother was coming to the wedding?

I'm sorry?

No? Oops.

No f*cking way. I mean, that can't happen.

No, that is a terrible idea.

No, that is not happening.

( Car door clicks open )

No f*cking way.

( Chuckles )

Hey, hey!

Mom?

( Glass shatters )

( Somber guitar music )

♪ ♪

f*ck!

I don't think she's super-duper happy.

f*ck!

Oh, my God! Captain 12 Steps and his clueless bride gave me half a reasonable booze budget, and the closest hayseed liquor store is, like, 20 miles away.

Shaun, booze run now!

Did anyone else hear a shrill animal calling from the forest, possibly under attack... or constipated or both?

Maybe a wolverine that's gutted its mate and now regrets it?

Oh, keep interrupting my wedding with your feelings. I dare you.

You want the wolverine? You got her.

Okay, that escalated.

I'm... I'm a little stressed. Sorry.

Yeah.

Hey, you.

This is your mom, correct?

Otherwise we just abducted a complete stranger.

What is she doing here?

Oh, bring it in, Isabelle. We're past this.

Come on. Get over here.

Oh!

Is this their fault?

Did they kidnap you?

Uh, no.

We both know that you shouldn't be here, right?

Ben's second wife heartily disagrees with you, hon.

Her last five-minute voice mail was the thing that broke my resistance.

And come on, I swear, I'm just here to celebrate your father.

Is that what we're calling it now?

Could somebody please take my dear mother and lock her up before she catches the scent?

Baby bro?

Oh, is that how it is now?

Please?

Yeah, sure.

I will deal with you later.

I'm not that person anymore. You're gonna see.

Been there, heard that.

As for you two...

Sorry to interrupt, it's super rude, I know, but the reason why we're here is, the stuff we said yesterday...

Nina told you to break up with me, you did it because you care about me, et cetera.

Doesn't make a difference.

Oh.

Oh.

As of five minutes ago, I thought that we had all finally come to our senses, but here you are, crashing my dad's wedding with my mother as your date.

Is this all right? Are we just observers, or are we allowed to get in on the, uh, shaming?

Well, in my experience with their dark suburban ways...

Oh, my God. You're still here?

You, car, booze, remember?

Fine, but I'm doing it for them, not for you.

I'm doing it for the people.

Ugh. Forgot my keys.

Well, she was at Ben and Lala's door when we drove by.

Yeah, she said she needed a ride.

And for the record, we had a perfectly lovely time. These two even sang.

Yeah, me and Jess.

Mm-hmm.

Perfect harmony on the entire Boyz II Men catalog.

You know this.

Him plus her is my f*cking nightmare.

( Sighs ) Right, but they both went through...

Rehab, AA, all of it, sh1t still goes sideways when they come within a half mile of each other.

I think we can band together and keep one small mom away from one skinny groom, right?

Right.

The important thing is, we got your signals.

Loud and clear.

Yeah. Figured it out.

( Soft music )

( Chuckles )

I'm sorry, what?

Both: Signals.

You... sorry... ( Chuckles )

You're not implying that I not only wanted you here but that I sent you signals just to make sure?

Right? You're not implying that, right?

Right?

Look at this! It's glorious!

Yeah.

Oh, my God! That is stunning.

I know, 'cause I was smelling them the other day.

Don't be alarmed, but do call 911.

What are you talking about?

She's here.

Who's here?

Jess!

She came? Oh, oh!

She's already bonding with Alex! This is so perfect.

We're gonna be one big happy family.

We're doomed.

Everything that matters will end.

Ben, go to your happy place.

I am trying, but traditionally, my happy place is 1,242 miles from my ex-wife.

Okay, well, then go to my happy place.

( Snapping rhythmically )

♪ Ding, dong ♪
♪ Ding, dong ♪
♪ Do you hear the bells go ding? ♪
♪ The bells are ringing ♪
♪ For me and my guy ♪

What... what are you doing?

Karaoke.

Whenever I'm sad or blue or stressed, I just sing it all the way. Come on. Get in on this with me.

Okay, well, I don't feel sad or blue or stressed.

I am scared shitless!

I assume this has something to do with the two of you and your alleged addiction to each other?

Lala, you have to trust me, okay?

Together, Jess and I, chemically, we create a destructive force that will devour...

I'm gonna need you to give it a rest with the comic book hyperbole.

Look at me.

This isn't s*x magic. That's what we have.

And it isn't physical addiction or anything like that.

It's not?

No! It's love.

( Laughs )

You... you think I'm still in love with my ex, and you're saying that like that's not a bad thing.

Honey, it's not. Look, she was your first.

It didn't work out, so you moved on, but the love part's still in there somewhere.

And it always will be.

Just the way I'll always love DJ Jerry.

You dated a DJ?

Okay, you know, I feel like, legally, that's something that someone should divulge very early on in a relationship.

He was just an extremely white teenager with four turntables in his parents' basement, but he was a huge part of my teenage life, and a part of me will always love him.

Yeah, okay, great story, babe, but how do you feel about eloping?

Honey, she's here because she's proud of you, okay?

And because, whether she realizes it or not, she loves you and always will.

( Sighs )

That's... that's kind of nice.

Yeah!

Ah!

Hey, wait, wait. Where... where are you going?

To meet her, obviously.

Okay.

I was sending signals?

Are you f*cking kidding me right now?

You set the ticking clock, all right? You kept dropping hints about being at this wedding, so we knew exactly how much time we had to win you back.

I mean, it is the perfect setup.

We literally crashed the wedding.

Nice.

( Chuckles )

( Sighs )

Jack, Emma, here's what I have to say.

Uh-huh?

You two have serious and progressive mental problems that will make living a normal life impossible.

Aww, she doesn't mean it.

No, not buying it.

No, it's another signal. Yeah.

I can't.

( Glass clatters )

Iz.

But...

No, no buts, all right?

These are my woods, and you play by my rules now. Yes?

What are the rules?

Be smart.

Meaning stay away from her?

Oh, God, you don't have to man-aphrase me, Griswold.

Just be smart, okay?

( Upbeat music )

♪ ♪

Yeah, we're gonna watch you too.

( Laughs )

( Soft music )

♪ ♪

( Sighs )

What is that in your hand?

Oh, it's a book.

And what are you doing with it?

I had a lot of bad habits to replace.

( Ducks quacking )

What? What are you doing?

Checking for tunnels.

Making sure you're not Shawshank-ing your way to go celebrate Ben or whatever you're calling it now.

I meant what I said, okay?

I'm really happy for him, and I need him to know.

They make cards for that.

Do you know, I...

I could've kept telling you how much I've changed, but I thought I'd give you a chance to see for yourself.

( Sighs )

I need you to tell me, "I'm not still in love with your father, and I am not here to blow up his wedding."

Yes to the second part.

Mom, come on.

Izzy, sweetheart, listen to me.

Lala was totally right.

What your father and I did to each other wasn't about falling out of love.

♪ ♪

So love isn't enough.

Sadly, no.

And breaking up doesn't make it any better.

Guess that's something we have in common.

♪ ♪

You can stay.

Thank you.

Swap out your slacks for some jeans.

Bachelorette party is kind of honky-tonk.

Oh, no, honey, I'm just gonna stay and curl up with my...

Not a chance in hell.

I'm gonna keep you within tackling distance all weekend.

Good.

Good.

Mm-hmm.

( Upbeat music )

( Mockingly ) "Oh, yeah. We're all just gonna show up in the woods and a wedding is spontaneously gonna break out. Charming Disney woodland creatures are gonna carry out Mother Nature's intricate plan!"

God, did I mention the dueling love triangles that I have to keep from intersecting and blowing up the whole world?

So, what, now I'm a... I'm a wedding planner and a therapist?

This sh1t right here is my Mount Everest, and I'm gonna be eating all the dead Sherpas who came before me on my brave trek to the summit, where I will cry out, "Whoo, M*therf*ckers, I am your queen!"

Can I get an amen?

Amen, sister!

Who are you talking to?

Uh, you now.

Jesus, and you're, what, like, the eleventh-craziest person here?

You're pretty much self-actualizing, aren't ya, Izzy's sassy sidekick?

What the hell are you talking about?

You... you know what? Never mind.

Blow me and get over yourself, in no particular order.

Oh, wow. So now you've, what, slagged off my mom, forced me to smoke, and made sexual advances?

I feel a very brave Instagram post coming on.

Do you have any drugs, or do you want to just take me shoplifting?

Begone, and take your unearned arrogance with you.

Deal with it, sister. You obviously love this wedding sh1t.

♪ ♪

God damn it, I like that kid.

( Grunts )

( Sighs )

Well, that was something.

It's over.

She's over us.

What, are you serious?

Did you not see that vein popping out of the middle of her forehead?

How is that apathy?

Wait, so she was pretending to be over us?

I'm growing concerned about your inability to read social cues.

Are you sure?

Like, not about me but about her?

That was basically a fireworks show of passion.

Trying to pose as apathetic just makes it glaringly obvious she's not.

Okay. Cool.

Wait, what... so what was it with Nina with that whole "be smart" business, then?

I don't know. Do we care?

We do not.

We do not.

So let's resume the wedding crashing and go get our girl.

Yes!

Yes.

Why is it when we're alone, we reconvince ourselves that everybody else is crazy and we're the sane ones?

Shh.

Okay, cool. Cool.

( Country music playing )

♪ Hail, hail ♪
♪ The gang's all there ♪

I can feel it in my soul. It's the best.

Pitchers of beer.

I'm back in college.

Warning: avoid a mirror.

Warning: f*ck you.

( Laughs )

Meaning it but loving you.

( Giggles )

Emma, tell me all about your twins.

Izzy says they are just...

Nope, you will not be completing any sentences that start like that.

Okeydokey.

I've heard a rumor that they're absolutely amazing.

I think so. I mean, at first, I had to use their names interchangeably but not anymore because Lucy's got this...

I don't know, this sweet little giggle. It's like a...

( Giggling shortly ) Hoo-hoo.

And then Rose has got this deep, throaty, contemplative laugh.

It's like... ( Chuckling deeply ) Huh-huh-huh.

( Laughter )

Oh, my God, I just realized how much I miss them.

Aww.

What are you do... Are you smelling my hand?

Is it leached in deep?

She smells like a giant baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're gonna miss that when it's gone, trust me.

Oh, speaking of smells, this one, when she'd do a poopy...

Mom.

She'd...

What? No, it's a good story.

It's really funny. She'd make a scrunched-up face.

Ben and I would talk for her and she'd say, ( Strained ) "I think America's oil addiction is the root of the issue."

Right? Oh, see, that's the face, exactly that right there.

You know what?

Here's... here's a fun idea.

Hmm?

Let's not talk about me pooping.

Okay.


I am so glad you came.

Oh!

Come here. Bring it in.

Oh, you are...

Bring it in. Let's get in this. Come on.

Oh!

You are something else, I gotta say.

You too, lady, yeah.

Tell us more about Izzy as a kid.

Well, she was our little angel.

She really was. We didn't deserve her.

By the time she was six, she was... reading us bedtime stories.

Selfish motive: no way I could sleep with you guys falling all over the house like baby giraffes.

♪ ♪

Sorry.

It's okay.

Sometimes I would... I'd realize I'd been sitting there for a while and I'd run this movie in my head, kind of like a Capraesque second chance, you know, like a parenting do-over.

♪ ♪

Because there's nothing else in the universe than I would rather have than that.

♪ ♪

This girl raised herself, basically, and I think she did an amazing... an amazing job.

♪ ♪

Hey. To our girl.

No. That's dumb.

Yeah.

Isabelle, come on.

Fine, yes, I am spectacular.

Yes, you are.

I agree.

♪ ♪

Hey, Trakarsky, cool it with the googly eyes, or I'm putting you on a bus.

♪ ♪

I'm becoming a foster mom.

To Leo and whoever else needs me down there.

♪ ♪

I just... I love working with those kids so much.

The hardest part is leaving them at the end of the day, so after a lot of deliberation, I think I'm ready...

( Exhales sharply ) To be a mom, even if it is just temporary.

Sweetheart, you're so not ready.

( Laughs ) Permanent, temporary, or otherwise.

Well, thank you so much for that.

Hey, New Mom, you have anything?

Old Mom is right.

Nobody's ever ready for motherhood, no matter the size, shape, or color.

But you just keep showing up.

Yeah, and you know what, Izzy? You're gonna be fantastic.

You really are. You're gonna be everything... that I wasn't.

♪ ♪

You love me, and no matter... no matter what happened, I always knew that, so...

I always, like, had it with me. So... maybe you were more than either of us realized.

( Chuckles )

Get over here, you. Come here. Come here.

I love you.

I love you too.

♪ ♪

Lala.

No, just let me be.

( Sniffles ) I'm the bride.

So what are the guys doing back at the house anyway, just normal bachelor party stuff?

Oh, no, I'm... ( Clears throat )

I'm sure they're having a very productive evening.

( Frogs croaking )

Who's ready for a drinks?

Oh, please.

Yeah!

Thank God.

Alcohol!

Alcohol? Pfft!

Yeah.

Who needs alcohol to have fun?

Me.

Yikes.

That's all of you, huh?

Okay, well, these colorful concoctions are crisp, refreshing artisanal mocktails.

Virtually nothing about that sentence makes sense to me.

I can't believe we were worried that a hetero bachelor party would be too basic and fratty.

Honey, this is so much worse.

Okay, guys, the guest of honor is taking a lifelong break from imbibing, so maybe we just... you know, we show a little support?

Hey, psst.

Is that one of those evolved-dude concepts I'm supposed to pretend to support no matter how much I hate it?

It is.

Ah, God damn it.

Honestly, couldn't give a sh1t.

Drink. Be merry.

Wake up marinating in guilt, self-loathing, and what you hope is your own urine.

( Chuckles )

Mm-hmm.

My bad. Not everyone's idea of how the party ends, okay.

No, it actually sounded great to me.

Yeah. Hey, you heard the man, fellas. Let's get fuuu...

Let's have some... let's have... let's get the fun. Let's get fun.

No, you heard the word "f*cked."

Don't look at me.

That said, you have been away from social media for a few hours now, and you seem to be getting a little anxious.

Mm! Wow.

You want me to leave the lamest bachelor party ever?

Yes, we do.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Later.

Love you, pal.

So full disclosure, the teetotaling isn't just for Ben's benefit, 'cause we have a lot to do here, boys, huh?

So let's put on our happy faces, 'cause first thing up is cigar rolling!

What?

That's fun, right?

That's... that's fun for... smoking, and it's an applicable life skill.

And we need to finish these centerpieces because in 28 minutes, the wax is gonna be hot enough for... candlemaking!

Is that a joke or...

Okay, you know in the movies when the gay friends are shipped off with the women and it's a little assumptive and kind of insulting?

I would "Yas, queen" and "You go, girl" up and down the streets if it got me out of this...

( Cell phone buzzes )

Thinly veiled labor camp.

Totally.

Oh, would you look at this?

Dave and Carmen sent an 85-year-old bottle of Cognac and fireworks.

Oh, that's not presumptuous at all.

Totally cool, in no way shows that my sudden one-percenter best friend has turned into a total douche.

( Cell phone buzzes )

And looks like unbeknownst to Carmen, Dave has contracted two of the area's best female performance artists, huh?

Oh, like Laurie Anderson in the 1980s.

You know, I got so good at pretending to love that stuff.

Did the same thing with "Mad Men," jazz, and kombucha.

He's talking about strippers, Ben.

Strippers, Ben.

That's a hard no.

Actually, all the research I've done shows that most women find stripping empowering.

( Laughs )

Oh, God, you're serious.

Oh, yeah, big-time. Absolutely. It's a thing.

Yeah, that straight men made up so they could hire strippers.

No.

Yes.

Guys, if Ben really wanted to do something like that, it would be on his list.

How is that my list?

( Playful music )

Oh, God damn it.

( Laughter and chatter )

You can buy me all the drinks you want, but I still got my eye on you.

Nope, Carm called in her card.

Whole night's on her. So generous.

Mm, so the Amaris went and broke the unwritten social contract, did they?

Well, they didn't stay more or less socioeconomically samesies with you guys.

See, people don't need to be rich to be happy, but falling behind their peers?

Ugh, that sh1t tends to get nine kinds of ugly.

But I mean, it's about more than just becoming the official neighborhood poors, right?

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, it's starting to look like one super-boring couple was a little more committed to the plan than the other one?

Okay, is there a reason you're being a gigantic dick to me right now?

Do I need one?

I kid. But I think the better question is, am I even being a dick at all?

What, you're finally seeing the light and it's back...

( Shushing )

Okay, that was rude.

Yeah, rude? You called me poor.

Like, you used it as a noun.

Who does that guy think he is?

Is he...

( Chuckles )

Is he touching her beautiful silky hair?

She doesn't want this.

Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, he touched her ass.

She does not like that. I'm going in.

Hey, wait, wait.

I'm going in. Yo!

Yo, excuse me!

Get back here, okay?

Excuse me, yo, hey.

Yeah.

Sloppy Gilmore, just what do you think you're doing over there?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Actually, that was pretty good.

It's my only golf reference. No, It's okay.

'cause he wasn't listening.

Emma, he's a drunk asshole. I'm...

It's a thing. People don't listen to you.

Yo, where are you in from?

Portland.

Portland? Yeah, same. What part?

Morrison Highlands, baby.

Oh, Morrison Highlands...

Yeah.

Where very face looks like your own.

Well, let me guess where you're from.

I am from Hawthorne motherfucking Heights, okay?

Oh, what, where the school mascot's a dog.

It is not a dog, okay? It is a husky.

Woof!

It's a husky.

Fine, whatever. f*ck, that's a dog.

Listen...

I can... I can do this by myself.

See, she's fine.

No, you need to keep your hands to yourself.

Okay, whoa, excuse me, are you a security guard?

'Cause I just want to know why you're stepping in and patting down my girl.

Wait, she's your girl?

( Laughs ) That's awesome.

No, no, no, this is not part of your douche-y, boring male-ass fantasy, okay? Because what we have... what we have is real. What we have is real, Iz.

Actually, she's my wife.

Mm-hmm.

Technically, yes, I am.

Yeah, and we're married to the same man.

Can you handle that, or is that a little too progressive for your simple MAGA mind, huh?

Come on, babe, let's get out of here.

You're really gonna drag me off like a cavewoman?

Oh, yeah, I never thought I'd say these words, but, lady, I'm gonna need you to take your hands off of the other la...

( Crowd gasps )

She threw a drink in his face.

I saw it!

What? I did not!

Did you just throw a drink in my face?

( People clamoring )

Drink in my face.

Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Okay, maybe Nina misrepresented the list, made me think it came from Ben, but... it's time for steaks!

Great, let's eat.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Looks like Nina has found a fantastic recipe for a...

18-hour marinade.

Jesus.

Which you started 17 hours and 59 minutes ago?

Please say yes.

Uh, no.

So I think maybe meat prep will be our next activity?

Hey there, friend-o down at the end.

These are not activities.

These are chores.

Yeah, and this isn't a bachelor party.

It's a sweatshop.

Bingo.

That woman, she's an evil genius.

She made you a honey-do list and made you think it was a bachelor party agenda, so maybe Nina's intellect isn't the one we should be questioning?

Huh, dumbass?

( Chortles )

Guys... don't be ridiculous. Go to the f*cking bar.

Right.

Look at this.

Dave used his Lyft Double Platinum app to get us a Rolls-Royce SUV, champagne, matching bibs, and chair massages.

Sweet.

That's f*cking bullshit.

Unbelievable.

I mean, he's gone too far, I think.

Well, yeah, that is unbelievable.

Yeah, 'cause who actually thinks there's something called Lyft Double Platinum but they keep it on the DL 'cause it's just for super-rich children's book authors?

Dipshits do.

Yeah, you.

You're the booby prize, not the guy who thought a chain gang was a bachelor party, right?

Yeah, still you, buddy.

It's still you, buddy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye.

Okay.

Great, you good?

Yeah, good. All good.

Happy wedding.

Ciao, man.

Great.

Cheers.

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

( Country music playing )

I am not entirely sure where this goes from here, so...

Neither am I, so...

Uh, well... fair is fair.

Take it like a man, hmm?

Well, if I took it like anything, I'd take it like a woman, but since I didn't throw a drink in your... Oh!

Oh, it is freaking on, people.

What's happening here?

We having a bar brawl?

Okay, well...

Awesome.

That man was very, very rude.

He had his hands all over Izzy.

What?

Oh!

Hey, that is not cool, sir.

Someone should really confront that guy or something.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll thank me later.

What? What are you talking about?

Remember, it's all in the eyes.

( Grunts )

No. Whoa!

( Crowd gasps )

Who the hell are... What is this now?

This is my husband.

And he was one tough boxer.

Since when?

He won the blue medal.

Gold medal.

And the gold medal.

How 'bout that, huh?

Go get him, hon.

How 'bout what?

Something we have in common.

What's that?

Couple of college boxers squaring off in a bar fight?

Right.

I was a heavyweight.

( Run Colt Run's "Ain't The Saving Kind" )

♪ I been waiting for someone ♪
♪ To save me and call me her own ♪
♪ I ain't looking for no soul salvation ♪
♪ If there's anything left ♪
♪ I ain't the saving kind ♪
♪ I ain't the saving kind ♪
♪ I ain't the saving kind ♪
♪ I ain't the saving kind ♪
♪ I ain't the, I ain't the ♪
♪ I ain't the saving kind ♪