s03e13 - Yes We Scan

Ok, Mom. I got to go. Yes, Mom. I'll call you back.

What? What? What do you want?

You're the school's union rep.


I need your approval to get rid of Quinn.

Again with this nonsense?

He has turned a blind eye to every single disaster this year, and now we're so unprepared for the Colorado Standardized Test that we run the risk of becoming a failed school.

Quinn stays, all right?

Now, if you'll excuse me, the kids and I are off to Mile High Flea Market.

It's a field trip.

She didn't even consider it!

I mean, she's just, like, actively rooting against the school.

( Telephone rings )

( Clears throat )

Leslie's classroom.

Woman: Hold for Mayor Nash, please.

Nash: Were you having a stroke?

Don't ever call me "Mom."

As I was saying... these tests are the last piece of the puzzle.

Once Smoot bombs out and hits "failed" status, then I can send in the bulldozers.


( Bad New York accent ) Hey, paisan!

It's all good. Forget about it.

Okay, uh, excellent. Pack your bags.

Your condo in Nash Towers awaits.

( Telephone clatters )

( Sighs )

Are you having a stroke?

♪ ♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

Condominiums? That is some sh1t!

And to make matters worse, Nash had help from someone on the inside.

Well, it wasn't me! I mean, I hate the guy!

Yeah, you've been very vocal about that all year.

It was Leslie!



She's been manipulating you guys all year in exchange for a condo.

And it seems like Nash had Quinn come back so that you guys could destroy the school while he did nothing.

( All groan )

Now the mayor is just showing off.

Ouch. Does Quinn know about this?

Yeah. I told him.

How'd he take it?

Pretty good.

( Squealing softly )

( Door opens )

( Squealing continues )

Just because he brought you back the way he did doesn't mean you don't belong here.

There's not even gonna be any "here."

And once Smoot is demolished, it's gonna be like I never... even... existed!

♪ ♪

What is that?

This is...


( Sighs )

The Desert's Eye.

Cactus acid.



I know that things seem bad, but we have to make sure that those idiots aren't planning something stupid!

The problem isn't even out there!

The real problem... is in here.

And this is the only way to fix it.

♪ ♪

( Munching )

( Muffled ) It tastes so bad.

I don't even care anymore.

( Door closes )

Screw it!

They can't make it any worse.

I'm going with you.

Yes! Yes, Tammy!

That's what I want to hear from my faithful sidekick!

We're gonna ride this spirit eagle together.

( Eagle screeches )

Oh! Yeah.

This is so nasty.

It's not good.

Mnm! It's so crunchy.

You might have got a little bit of ceramic there.

Really check it.

♪ ♪

The CSTs are tomorrow, okay?

Face it, it's over. We're unemployed.

Over? Guys, we have to fight!

What do you care, golden boy?

You'll find a new job in no time.

A sickly kid ran over our lunch lady with my car.

If we don't turn this place around, I'll never work in a school again.

You're right. That is pretty irresponsible.

I mean, the stink of this place, it's on me, too.

But I realized something lately.

I realized that Smoot...

Smoot is a lot like a sonnet.

Smoot is like a turd. Hmm?

A weird misshapen turd that really concerns you so you have to go to the doctor, and the doctor's like, "Eh, don't worry about that. It's just beets."

And you're like, "Oh, okay.

I had the wrong idea about that turd. That turd's good."

And I was wrong... to misjudge that turd.


That is one of the most goddamn beautiful things I've ever heard.


Thank you. Really.

You know, Sweeney's right.

For the longest time, I've been trying to figure out who I am.

I'm not a real estate agent.

I'm not a librarian.

Or a brewmaster.

Or a brewmaster.

Or a master baker.

Or a husband.

Or that.

Or a rapper.

Or an author...

Okay, all of those things.

The point is...

I know now what I am.

I'm a goddamn teacher.



This whole time, I've been thinking that I need this job...


But I just realized I may actually kind of almost sort of want this job.

I definitely want this job!


With whipped cream and cherries on top.

And I have nowhere else to go!

That's true! She doesn't!

All right.

She's a loser!

All right!

That's what I'm talking about!

Okay, now, look, guys, all we have to do is get a "Satisfactory" or better and we pass the CSTs and they can't close this place down.

All right?

All right.

So what I need you to do now is I need you to go teach.



Just like I said we should.

Let's go!

I really feel like it was the table jump that got everybody on board.

It was so dope.

♪ ♪

( Vocalizing )

♪ ♪

Wait. Do you even feel anything?

( Scoffs )

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

( Scoffs ) God, they're probably bogus.

I cannot catch a break.


( Cymbals chime )

( Cymbals chime )

( Cymbals chime )

Well, that's odd.




( Aboriginal music plays )

( Distorted ) I think something's happening.



Ohhhhh, my God!

This ukulele is giant!

( Both screaming )

♪ ♪

Red Zone?

♪ ♪

This was the rose that I bought that day.

I've been saving it on the off-chance of us finally meeting.

So, uh... what is this beautiful building?

Uh, it's Nash Towers, but listen, I don't want to talk about work.

I want to talk about you and I being together.

I don't think that we can be together.

I mean, you're not really the guy that I met online.

You're... You're Mayor Nash, the period tax guy.

The guy I met online was nice and gentle.

The man that you talked to online is still me.

( Stammers )

I'm a big ol' libtard, like you.

( Sighs )

I mean, I just put on this mean face so I can get votes.

I want all the same things that we talked about.

I want to open that farm-to-table restaurant.

I want to hire some... undocumented workers that you mentioned.


( Sighs ) I can't do this.

I've got to go.

Don't go!

I have "Hamilton" tickets!

Loren: Well, it just about killed us, but we did it.

There is no way these test scores aren't record-breaking for Smoot.

Yeah, and you know what the best part is?

I actually kind of enjoyed it.

I mean, I may be realizing my full potential.

All right, Kenny, how'd we do?

Ah, according to this summary report... terrible.

Yeah, even worse than last year.

It's impressive.

Hey, Kenny.

Kenny, what say you give us those tests and maybe come back in three to five days for some new ones.

What say I just go straight to DPS Headquarters so it can be processed by Monday morning?

Ooh, and if I leave right now, I can get to Guitar Center before they close.

What an asshole.

You know he's not gonna buy anything.

He's just gonna dick around on the keyboards.

He's there literally every time I go.

Well, that's it. That was our only chance.

No! No, it is not!

You know what, I know you had your heart set on doing it Sween's way or "the right way."

Now it's time to do it the Smoot way.

( Chuckles ) New plan time.

That's right, buddy.

I can tell by the way he's talking.

That's right.

Okay, all right, I say we settle this the old-fashioned way.

That's right.

Downhill race.

Nash's best skier versus ours. We let the mountain decide!

No, you dipshits!

We break into DPS Headquarters, and we change the scores.

That could work, too.

If it doesn't... we got that ski race in our back pocket.

( Chuckling ) Oh!

Very cool idea.

( Grunting )

♪ ♪

Ohhhhhh. Ohhhhhh.

My hand is in your skin.

Tammy... we are one person.

We... are...


( Gasps )



( Both laugh )

And we will rule together.

Oh, but what will our legacy be?




Seed. Seed!

( Giggling )


Tree! That's it!

We're gonna plant a tree!

( Chuckles )

It's gonna be like the child neither of us ever had.

I have a child, Geoffrey!

That's so great!

Okay, so, Shoemaker, you're driving, and, Sweeney, you're the lookout.

Remember to bring an assortment of teas.

And Abbey and I will infiltrate DPS Headquarters dressed as TronScan employees.

Yeah, I'm well aware of the plan... because it's my plan!

You just hijacked it.

Oh, people just understand it better when it comes from me.

♪ ♪

No rush. We're fine. Nobody knows.


Nobody knows. Nobody knows.

We're just here to get seeds.


Principal Quinn?

How you doing?

We're Quammy!

Uh, what... what are you guys doing here so late?

We're out to get seeds.

Do you sell seeds here?

Uh, no.

She said they don't!

Why not?

Why not?!

( Stammers ) We, uh...

We have apples. Those have...

I mean, those have seeds in them. I don't know.



It's so pretty.

Thank you!

Thank you so much, Pregnant Beth.

So much, Pregnant Beth.

Thank you.

Pregnant again.

You guys have to pay for that!

We love you, too No, you can't just take that.

She's looking!

Guys, I'm gonna get fired!

Thank you!

Bye, Beth.

I have a family now!

♪ ♪

Once you two get inside, you're gonna have to locate Smoot's old tests.

You're gonna want to replace them with these new ones that we've been making Sweeney work on totally alone for hours.

Once you're done with that, you're out like an evening breeze and it's "Hello, again, Sucktown!"

Yep. That is my plan.

What about me? What do I do?

Uh... Um...

You're gonna sit in the front seat of Shoemaker's car and keep the seat warm.

Official seat warmer?!

Big boy sh1t.

That's my boy.

Big boy sh1t.

Your butts are in my hands.

All right. That was the final piece.

We saved Smoot!

( All cheering )

Wait, wait, wait.

We saved Smoot? We haven't done anything.

90% of any mission is coming up with a plan and then patting yourself on the back for it.

I mean, it's a public school building.

It's not Fort Knox.

( Laughter )

( Brakes squeak )

♪ ♪

Maybe there's a Hide-A-Key.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Why are all public buildings in such shitty neighborhoods?

( Scoffs ) This neighborhood doesn't seem that bad.

There's a cool store over there that says "adult books, adult toys, adult costumes."

Yeah, it's not what you think, Fairbell.

Oh! Oh! Come in, come in, come in.

Hey, this just got a lot more inappropriate.

Yeah, seriously.

Gretchen is gonna hack into the DPS system, turn off the surveillance, and open up the fence.

Am I gonna get in trouble?



♪ ♪

( Video game sound effects )

( Beeping )

( Sound effect stop )

Trouble at HQ.

Looks like a mouse just entered the cathouse.

♪ ♪

( Computers beeping, whirring )

♪ ♪

Oh, no! No!

( Beeping )

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

♪ ♪

( Breathing heavily )


♪ ♪

( Computer chimes )


( Computer chimes )

I did it.


She did it!

All right, Gretchen.

Yay, computer nerds!


♪ ♪

Not bad, older male hacker.

♪ ♪

( Music stops )

( Discordant chord plays )


( Sour note plays )


( Discordant chord plays )


I should get home.

Actually, there was no reason for me to come here in the first place.

I could have done this from home.


I never should have tried to steer you from your dream.

You should go out and do whatever makes you happy.

You're right.

I'm gonna drop out of school and go work for WikiLeaks.

Wait a minute. No, no.

Nice works, Sweens.

Good message.

Now it's our turn. Let's do it.

♪ ♪

Did you figure out which ones the tests are?

This is the first heist I've ever been on.

This building's huge, though.

( Elevator bell dings )

♪ ♪

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/


I got this.

What are you people doing here?

Evening, Johnson. We're with TronScan.

Here to service a machine.

We weren't notified of any repair people coming.

Yeah, 'cause it's an emergency call.

Unit 42069 blew a jog wheel capacitor, and we need to fix it, stat.

That may be, but I'm afraid you can't be here without prior notification.


Okay, no. Listen up, Johnson.

You're gonna let us in there to do our jobs, or I'm gonna get Superintendent Carson out of bed and down here so fast that by tomorrow night, you'll be power-washing the Spank Room at Shotgun Eddie's.

Okay, lady!

Geez! 501.

Thank you.

Wow. ( Scoffs )

Pill freak.

Functional. It's still pretty sad, though.

( Elevator bell dings )

♪ ♪



( Both breathing heavily )

Yes! This is it.

Okay, you scan in those new test scores, and I'll find Smoot's folder. Go!

Stop bossing me around.



( Scoffs )

♪ ♪

( Sighs )

♪ ♪

( Loud whirring )

Oh! Shh!

Keep it down!

Sorry, this machine is really loud!


This things does, like, 10 at a time.

All right, hand me the summary sheet and the new test scores.

Okay. Where do they come out of?


( Sighs )

( Hushed ) What?

( Normal voice ) Hey.

Loren, remember when I totally saved the day a minute ago?

Yes, I remember. Stop gloating.

Hand me the test scores.

What did you frickin' do?

Abbey, you idiot! You shredded it?

This is a not a TronScan scanner.

It's a TromScam Shredder! Can you not read?

Yeah, well, the only reason we're here is because of me.

Oh, really?

I got through that guy, and you were like, "Hey, please, let me in!"

We're here now, in the part that I say you're blowing.

I am rubber and you're glue.

You blew your half of the deal, and I did my half of the deal.

Everything bounces off me and sticks to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. These are anonymous.

We could just swap these out with another school...

A good school!

We can't do that!

Academic success shouldn't be limited to just smart kids, all right?

We'll find some snobby boarding school and we'll swap it out.

Boom. St. Lawrence Prep.

They scored in the 98th percentile, and I guarantee you, these are entitled rich little a-holes, okay?

Probably racist, too.

Jerks. See you later.

Okay, they're switched. Let's go. Let's get out of here.

I saved the day.

Okay, stop bossing me around.

After you blew it.

"Saved the day."

That's what a heist captain does, okay?

Oh, fixed the machine already?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, It was a simpler job...

We always, like...

( Groans ) Holy crud!

Oh, our legaseed is buried.

The deed of the seed is done.

♪ ♪

Now we can find our seed, and...

( Whispering ) nurture it.

( Chuckles )

We have fed the Earth!


We have fed the Earth.

You know it.

( Both scream )

♪ ♪

Aaaaah! ( Groaning )

How scary is this tree?

Oh, Jesus.

It's an evil house for squirrels!

( Police siren chirps )

Oh, lookit, Tammy! It's red and blue lights!

It's Christmas! Christmas!

No, something's wrong. It's taking too long.

We should help. We should go inside.

What? How? You can't do that.

You'll blow the cover.

I don't know.

Hey, Fairbell, how much cash do you have on you?

I don't know, 700, 800 bucks?


Okay, never mind that. Come with me.

I got an idea.

Oh, my gosh. Are we going to that toy store?

Shut up!


Wait a minute, where are you guys...

Where are you guys going?

Security: We're calling the police.

You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

What are you, selling TronScan parts for pills?


Why did he...

It was backstory.

( Groans )

Hey, maybe we can be prison pen pals.

Mm, doubt it.

I'll probably be pretty busy on the inside.

( Whistle blows )

♪ ♪

Whoo, who the hell are you guys?

DPD... Bike cops.

Yeah. We heard you got yourselves a couple bad boys on your hands, huh?

We haven't even called you guys yet.

Well, yeah. We knew about them because we've been following them around for months.



They've been breaking into public buildings everywhere just so they can sneak around and have s*x in them, a couple thrill-lovers, some real sickos on your hands.

Officer, a little more realistic.

You shut your dirty mouth or I'll shut it for you!

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Don't take your gun out!

( Sighs )

I'm cool. I'm cool.

Well, okay. Uh...

Lieutenant, uh, Juggs?

Oh, yes, uh, "Yewgs." That's pronounced "Yewgs."

Yeah, it's a "Y" sound... Portuguese. Yeah.

And I'm Sergeant Twerk.

Exactly like the dance.

All right.

Take them away, "Yewgs," "Twerk."

You got it. On your feet, front and center.

Yes, sir.

Hush it!

Sorry to pull you two away from the bachelorette party.

I'm sure that was...

Oh, it looks like we got ourselves a stand-up comedian.

You won't think you're so funny with my gun in your butt.

Yeah. No, you won't.

All right, we'll take it from here.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

The demolition will not go forward!

( Laughter )

No, it will not.

The best part? They let me keep my gun!

Oh, Fairbell! Put it down!

Tough luck, Leslie.

Sorry your little plan didn't work.

Yeah. I can't believe you were gonna sell us out.

Oh, really?

And which part of that is out of character for me?

She is right.

That tracks.


Bravo, Smoot faculty. Bravo.


Oh, relax.

I'm here to congratulate you.

I don't get to build my condos at Smoot anymore.

Guess the pristine campus of the St. Lawrence Prep will have to do.

Those guys really sh1t the bed on that test.

Well, you know, just 'cause you're rich doesn't mean you're smart, and they're probably also very racist, if you ask me.

You guys had the highest score in the state.

The board was so impressed, they decided to turn this place into a magnet school for gifted children.

And a gold standard school deserves a gold standard faculty.

( Chuckles )

Which is why...

I'm firing all of you!

( All clamoring )

Including you, Leslie.

I'll cut your arms off.

God, you really are ruthless, and not in a cool Suge Knight way, either.

Yeah, it's what my constituents love about me.

So I guess I'll be seeing all of you in the unemployment line.

Oh, wait! No!

I'm cutting unemployment, too!

( Laughs )

Abbey: Pardon me, Mr. Mayor. Just one second.

Mr. Mayor!

♪ ♪

Red Zone, what are you doing here?

I work here, Gil.

Gil? W-Wait a second, Abbey.

Do you two know each other?


You work here?

I... I knew I'd seen you somewhere before!

You're not firing anyone 'cause that's not you.

The man who wrote to me would never do that.

I know that there's good in you, Gil.

It's just like when Meg Ryan found out that Darth Vader was her father's pen pal.

Fairbell, that is... exactly what this is like.

This is just business.

( Scoffs )

Fine, Gil.

If that's how you feel, then this is also... just business.

Nash: I'm a big old libtard.

I just put on this mean face so I can get votes.

( Laughter )

When your base hears this, they're gonna ditch your softie ass before midterms.



♪ ♪

Marry me, Abbey. ( Sighs )

You don't need this place.

We could run this town together.

I... I know I'm not perfect.

I... I'm a work in progress.

But you could help me strike that balance.

( Sighs )

I can't.

You're not the man I fell in love with.

You showed your true colors today when you tried to fire my friends.

Work friends.

You're choosing these losers over me?

Over us?


Now, please, get out!


None of you will last a month with these gifted students and their relentless thirst for knowledge and their Apache helicopter parents.

Oh, they're gonna grind you guys up into pink mist!

( Laughs maniacally )

Get out!

( Breathing heavily )

Abbey, you did it!

You saved Smoot!

You saved Smoot!

( Cheering )

Thank you!

You're a hero!

Thank you!

( All chanting "Abbey!" )


The gun!

It's not a real...

I said it twice!

♪ ♪

Loren: God, I can't believe we're gonna be a magnet school.

Those dorks are gonna ruin us.

Right? Squash and booster clubs and trying all the time.

It's gross.

Magnet school?

Like we can't wear metal to work anymore?

Fairbell, a magnet...

Yeah, exactly like that, dude.

You should not wear any metal next year.

Nailed it, bud.

Very dangerous.

Don't even wear a zipper.



What happened?


What the "F"?!

What happened?

What is it?

A kid put a Popsicle stick here!



Who does that?

These kids!

That's what I'm talking about.

Help me get it.

Fairbell: I'm doing a craft!

That's what you get, destroying the campus.

You get it!

Stupid. Hey.



What the hell happened to you?

Quinn got arrested...


Yeah, apparently, we forgot to pay for a piece of fruit in the convenience store.

They gave me a small fine, but it's Quinn's third strike, so you know what that means.

Well, while you two were out there, dicking around, we saved Smoot.

That's right!

Yep. That's right.

Yep, Nash is gonna have to build his condos at the former St. Lawrence Prep.

Former? What happened to St. Lawrence?

Oh, yeah. They lost their accreditation.

The racist idiots!


( Both laugh )

My son will have to go to...




Tammy has a son?

She never tells us anything.


( Whimsical song plays )

Hey, hey! Do you hear that?

Ice cream truck! It's an ice cream truck!

Race you guys there!

No way! No way!

♪ ♪
♪ Gonna have a good time baby ♪