10x21 - Local She-ro

Miss Jacobson: Okay, everyone. Just a reminder, your reports on a place that inspired you are due next week.

Ugh. I forgot about that.

I heard Tina say she forgot about that.

Has anyone not forgotten?

I'm doing mine on the frozen foods aisle at the grocery store.

It's got the shiniest floors, perfect for dancing and sliding.

I like it when you slide on your knees at the frozen peas.

Yeah.

Miss Jacobson, I'm doing my report on New York City, because New York is my inspiration, it is my playground, it is my everything, ever since I went there for the first time last weekend.

Great choice, Tammy.

Does anyone else have any ideas about...

Yeah, so the first thing that you notice about New York City is the energy. It is raw.

And there are no public restrooms you can use, so you just hold it all the time, but you don't care, because it's just, like, mmm, it's New York.

Damn.

Hey, did you see that statue of the bull with his grapefruits showing? That's bucket list stuff.

I did, and they were, and it was.

All the good stuff is in New York. All of it.

And everywhere else is stupid.

What about here? We have good stuff.

( laughs ) Tina, you only think this town has good stuff because you've never been to New York.

( school bell rings )

Okay, thank you, Tammy.

There's more school now, so go do that.

Okay, but just so you know, in New York, they'd actually say, "Ey, get outta here!"

Wow. Was that Italian?

Uh, yeah.

So, how was everyone's day?

Well, I pulled a clump of hair off of the hair brush today that looked like a hamster.

Aw, the whole family made that hair hamster.

Tina, could you pass the salt? Tina?

Tina? Sweetie?

Huh. Nothing.

Linda: Wherever she is, she's in deep.

♪ New York, New York ♪
♪ New York, New York ♪

( mouth full ): ♪ New York, New York ♪
♪ New York, New York ♪

I started too high. Going lower.

♪ New York, New York. ♪

( humming )

Okay, someone stick a bean up her nose.

Fine, I'll do it.

Ah!

Tina, you okay?

Miss Jacobson wants us to do a report on a place that inspires us, and Tammy is doing New York.

Hey, do you think we can go to New York?

New York City? Probably not.

Why?

I mean, it's expensive, and we don't have money.

But what if all the good stuff here is just lame stuff, and New York Tina's way cooler than non-New York Tina, but I'll never meet her 'cause I'll never get to visit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Our good stuff isn't lame stuff.

It's good stuff.

Pretty good stuff...

Louise: Mmm...

You're all nuts. We got so much good stuff, they should call this place Goodstuffsburg.

Instead of Badstinksburg?

They don't really call us that. Anymore.

Yeah, not since they closed the dog food factory.

I miss it.

Me, too, I was gonna grow up to be a dog food-makin' man.

Anyway, our town's great. Right, Tina? Right?

( quietly mumbling ): ♪ New York, New York ♪

Tina?

♪ New York, New York ♪

Tina? Tina?

♪ New York, New York. ♪

Oh, forget about it.

( Linda grunting )

Linda? Are you upset?

Is it because I have the good pillow?

It is my turn to have it.

No, it's Tina.

I'm worried she doesn't appreciate this town.

I think it's okay for Tina to dream about New York.

Don't a lot of people?

You don't get it, Bob.

When I was Tina's age, all I ever thought about was moving to the big city. I wanted to be Madonna.

Madonna was in New York.

So I wanted to be there, too.

I couldn't appreciate where I lived.

I wanted to desperately seek Susan in New York, but I missed out on all the Susans right in front of me.

If we don't get through to Tina, she's gonna miss out on what's right in front of her, just like I did.

Lin, I-I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Tina's just thinking about this stuff because her class is doing a report and it came up.

( gasps ) That's it! The report.

Wait-wait-wait, what are you doing? Aah!

Tina... sweetie.

Tina, wake up.

Aah!

Guess what. I got a topic for your report.

A place that inspired you.

Really? What?

Our town.

Um... did it, though? Inspire me?

Sure. And if it didn't yet, it will.

Tomorrow I'll take you around and show you what this place has to offer.

So what do you say?

Uh, okay. I guess.

Yay, I knew you'd love it.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Wait, should we go right now?

No, we can't go right now, no, go to sleep, go to sleep.

You sure you guys don't want to come?

What do you say? Fun walking tour of the town?

None of those words make sense.

Yeah, walking is for psychos.

Fine. Bye.

Bye.

Drop my name if it helps. It should at Radio Shack.

In a lot of cities, the whole thing's on a grid.

Here, the streets make no sense.

You got to get around on instinct.

Instinct and smells.

"West Thirty Halfth Street."

Great, right? Let's keep moving.

Look, there's the mayor.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't he great? The mayor.

Oh, wait, now he's peeing in a bush.

That's not the mayor. Oh, oh, now he's waving hi.

Hi. Let's go, walk fast.

See? Nice park, huh?

Yeah.

See the pigeons?

Uh-huh.

Put that in your essay, right?

No, I mean, write it down.

I'll remember.

Write it.

Okay, um... pigeons.

( entry bell jingles )

Bob, I got a problem.

It's big. And only you can solve it.

That's what I say to the toilet every morning.

You know how I always call into the Dom Lippo radio show?

Dom Lippo, the sports guy?

Yeah, he talks about hockey, and I have very strong opinions about minor league professional hockey. As we all do.

Oh, yeah, just try to shut this family up about minor league hockey.

I figured. Anyway, yesterday Lippo was talking about a goalie who got traded from the Bog Harbor Bog Dogs.

Any Bog Dog fans in the house? Woof-woof-woof-woof!

Woof-woof-woof-woof!

Teddy.

Woof-woof-woof!

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, just tell the story.

Uh, right. Anyway, Lippo thinks it's a good trade, I called in to say it's a bad trade, and we got in a fight, and Lippo banned me from his show.

You got banned for fighting about a sport where the best part is the fighting?

I mean, the call did get, you know, a little bit spicy.

Oh, all my predictions are wrong?!

Everything that comes out of your mouth is crazy!

Who did you call an idiot?

What do you want me to do about it?

I want you to call into the show and finish making my argument.

Mmm, no.

But I did more research. I know what to say now.

And if I win the argument, he'll have to unban me.

You can't ban someone for being right. Right?

Do it, Dad. Say yes to the dress.

Uh, I'm gonna say no to the dress.

Uh, I know this sounds crazy, but we are working, in our restaurant.

Working? ( chuckling ): Dad, a minute ago, you were trying to see how many spoons you could fit in your apron pocket.

Because I didn't know how many I could.

12.

Right. 12.

Pretty good. Listen, if you help me, I'll do a job for free.

I'll fix the lock on your bathroom door.

The one that doesn't lock.

You mean the one that keeps things interesting?

( sighs ) Fine. I mean, this won't take long, will it?

Not at all. We could call right away.

Okay, good.

And while we're on hold for 45 minutes, I can teach you everything you need to know about hockey.

Mm-hmm.

Buckle up, Bog Dog fans. Woof-woof-woof...

Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof...

Oh, my God.

Okay, one last stop.

This is, like, the third-best flea market in the whole county.

You remember that bedazzled shoehorn I brought home?

Oh, yeah. It hurts to use it.

Well, I bought it here.

Great. This has been really inspiring, but I was thinking maybe I do Cleveland for my report.

Land of Cleves?

I haven't been there, but I saw a commercial about it once.

What? No. Oh, hey, the CD seller guy has a section for local music. Let's look.

Okay.

Chumbawamba? They're from here?

Wow? Is this where they got knocked down and then got up again?

Oh. Sorry, that's in the wrong section.

Oh.

But, uh, but you hear the CD that I'm playing right now?

That's local. Sorta.

Ooh, she's good. Who is it?

Dove Shannon. She put this album out back in the '70s.

So the singer, she's from here?

She's like our Madonna.

She's not exactly from here.

She made her name in Greenwich Village, then she moved here.

She moved from a small village?

Greenwich Village? It's in New York City.

Oh. Oh.

Is she still living here?

I don't know. I don't even know if she's alive.

If she is alive, I say we go find her.

You do?

She left New York to live here.

'Cause she knows our town's the best.

And if we find her, then you've got your report.

Plus the pigeon stuff.

I do wonder why she'd leave New York.

Okay. Let's do it.

Really? Yay!

Chumbawamba?

Your first time on hold with the Dom Lippo Show.

Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous, Teddy.

Be a little nervous.

Well, he is sweating.

But he does that constantly.

Remember, first you introduce yourself, but you keep it short.

Oh, uh, we should get you a nickname.

A lot of the callers have nicknames.

A nickname?

Yeah, yeah, you need it so he remembers you.

Mine's Ice Ice Teddy. Get it? Like hockey ice.

Uh, I-I don't need a nickname.

Ooh, how about the Pucky Ducky?

And you can say, ( duck voice ): "Quack, quack, Pucky Ducky calling."

That's great. You got to use that, Bob.

You'd be a damn fool not to.

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to practice it real quick?

( duck voice ): Quack!

No.

Say it with me.

Louise, I don't want to...

Say it with her, Bobby, come on, try it once.

Come on!

He's gonna screw it up.

Well, thanks, anyway. Okay, bye.

So the operator didn't have a listing for Dove Shannon.

That's why I said the "S" word just now.

Got it. It's funny how hair grew all the way to people's butt cracks back then.

Yeah. And I like how she's not wearing shoes.

Like a beautiful Fred Flintstone.

What do you think she looks like today?

Well, I bet she got herself some shoes.

So we're looking for a woman with shoes.

( gasps ) There she is! Oh, no. That's a guy.

And he's wearing sandals.

Huh. I recognize this place. I know where it is.

Should we go? See if we can talk to someone?

Is it a long walk?

Maybe, but we could take a cab.

Okay.

Taxi!

That's cute. That doesn't work here.

But I'll call the cab, and when it shows up, you can pretend you hailed it. Sound good?

Thanks, Mom.

No sweat.

Taxi!

Her song titles are fun: "Corduroy Clouds," "Tapioca Groovin'," "Feminine Denim Man," "Snuggler's Cove."

Ooh, nautical and erotical.

This is the place.

Oh, we're here.

Do you mind waiting? Keep the meter running.

I mean, yeah. I will. That's how cabs work.

Okay. Aren't you a fun, sassy cab driver?

They don't have those in New York, Tina.

Welcome to Treasures o' the Tide.

Hi. Nice shop you got here.

It's, uh... it's a shop. It's a shop?

It is.

What do you sell?

Oh, this and that.

Mostly items I pick up at low tide and turn into art.

Like this driftwood snake. And this driftwood eel.

And this pretty little so-and-so.

A driftwood worm.

I like that eel.

Well, that, that is the snake.

Oh.

Sorry to bother you, but, uh, we were wondering, does the name Dove Shannon mean anything to you?

Uh, yeah. I knew her. She passed away.

Oh, no.

No...

Yep. So, you want to buy an eel?

I thought you said it was a snake.

Oh, wait, you're right. ( chuckles ) Crap.

I can't believe Dove died.

Well, believe it. She's dead. That's a snake.

And you want to buy this driftwood.

( woman vocalizing )

Wait a minute. That voice. Was that Dove?

No, no-no-no-no-no.

That's just a, a weird old lady with a great voice.

Yeah, they're everywhere. ( chuckles )

Uh, we got to follow her. Come on, back in the cab.

Uh-uh, don't, don't follow her.

Uh, follow me. I-Into the store. Yeah.

For outrageous bargains on collectible sea art.

Yeah, Mom, maybe we shouldn't follow her.

Get in! Get in! We're doing this.

Follow her. Catch that Dove!


Cab Driver: So you want me to ignore the sign?

Tina: "Private road, no trespassing."

( groans )

Uh, but, uh, we're doing a report.

If it has to do with school, it's totally cool and we can't get arrested.

Right, Mr. Cab Driver?

Sounds right.

Tina: Driver, turn around. I, uh, I want to buy that driftwood.

Linda: Uh-uh, Tina.

I want driftwood, damn it!

Linda: No, no, no, no. Speed up, speed up!

Linda: Ooh, it's those funky floaty home things.

You mean houseboats?

Yeah. Floaty homes.

( gasps ) There she is.

How do we know it's her?

Dove, watch out, a bear!

That's her. Stop here!

Excuse me. Uh, Dove Shannon?

Who are you?

I'm Linda, and this is Tina. Ti-Tina, where are you?

She's hiding behind me 'cause she's shy.

Oh, hey.

She's doing a thing for school.

How'd you track me down?

We got lucky.

You know the shopkeeper down the road told us you were dead?

Well, we look out for each other here.

If an outsider comes looking for someone, we tell them they're dead.

Such a fun rule.

Wait, where you going?

I'd stay and chat, but if I liked chatting, I probably wouldn't live in a reclusive houseboat community.

Oh, yeah.

Shopkeeper: Everything okay, Dove?

( both shout )

Tina: Oh, it's the shopkeeper guy.

The shopkeeper? Nah, he's dead.

No, he's not, he's... Oh, you're doing the dead thing.

( laughs ): Oh, I like it.

Look, I'm dead, too. ( wails )

It's very simple. While it's true that Wiesnewski's drug suspensions aren't nothing, his goals against are up there with the best.

Now say that back to me, Bob.

Okay, all right. Winzinski...

Wiesnewski. You got to say the guy's name right.

Dom Lippo: All right, Pucky Ducky's on the air.

What's your question, Ducky?

Oh, God, you're on.

( whispering ): Quack, quack.

Uh...

( duck voice ): Quack, quack.

It's the Pucky Ducky.

Do it better.

All right, take your shot, Ducky. Quack at me.

Uh, so, um, Wi... uh, Wiznerski is... uh... the drug suspensions, or... ?

He's nailing it.

You want to talk about the Bog Dog trade.

Uh, I-I, I want to talk about the Bog Dog trade.

We traded Derek Wiesnewski...

Uh, we traded Derek, uh, Wiesnewski... who was a solid goalie.

Who was a solid... Teddy, your tongue keeps touching my ear.

Sorry.

Uh, hey, Pucky Ducky, uh, who do I hear in the background over there?

Uh, what? Uh, no... Uh, nobody, just me.

Ice Ice Teddy? Is that you?

No. I-I wish.

Ice Ice, are you using Pucky Ducky to make your terrible argument?

That's it. You're double-banned.

What?! Double-banned?! Gah! Lippo!

You're in the penalty box, pal. Forever!

No! I'm in the truth box!

Next caller. Zam-Tony, go ahead.

( shouts ) Lippo.

Teddy, let us take a shot.

Who's "us"?

Gene and myself, the professionals.

We can talk the dingle off a berry.

Kids, no.

Please? I have an idea.

You do?

I mean, I will, if it means I get to yell on the radio.

The show must be almost over anyway.

No, it's six hours long.

Six hours?

I know. It's not enough time.

She'll come out again.

Ooh, ooh, we could yell "tsunami" or something.

We tried that already.

Oh, right, right.

Mom, please, can we go?

The perfect end to a perfect day?

What about your report?

I mean, I should go write it?

Yeah. About the super inspiring place that we both decided was this town.

We got to talk to her and find out why she chose to live here instead of New York.

Wait, wait. What if we, uh, go around the fence?

I don't think that's how fences work.

No, no. We can do it.

We just, uh, jump from that rock to that concrete sticky-outie thing to that other concrete sticky-outie thing and bing, bang, boom.

Um, I don't know...

Come on, Tina!

Okay, you have crazy eyes, but that's all right.

Let's go jump over to that rock.

Great. I'll go first.

Jumping to that rock.

( grunts ) Damn it.

We're halfway there, is something we can say soon-ish.

Oh. You think those seagulls could support our weight?

No. Maybe that one.

Okay.

I think I can make it to the next concrete thing.

Nope. Nope, you can't.

Yeah, yeah, I think I can do it.

Mom, what are you doing? Stop!

I'm a frog, I'm a frog!

Mom!

Did I make it? I kept my eyes closed.

Oh, God. Did you know water could smell bad?

Swim back towards me.

I can't move my feet. I'm stuck.

I'm in, like, two feet of mud.

Oh, oh. Use me as another concrete pillar.

Jump on me and then to the dock. Come on, Tina.

Mom, you've gone crazy!

Jump off my face!

Mom, I'm not gonna jump on your face.

You're not my daughter!

Mom!

Sorry, sorry. Okay, this is nuts.

I went a little cuckoo. Do Cleveland for your report.

I hear they have good pizza bagels.

And call the Coast Guard and see if they can find my shoe.

Hi, persistent stalkers. How's it going out there?

Oh, hi, Dove.

Uh, really good. Just soaking part of my body.

You know, getting my soaks in. You know how it is.

Also, I'm stuck and I might drown when the tide comes in.

But no big deal. Ooh! I think a fish bit my butt.

( groans ): Oh, God.

I think I might have gotten some mud in your boat.

She's usually not this muddy. Or this trespassy.

Yeah, sorry. I just really wanted my daughter to meet you.

She wanted me to jump on her face.

( sighs ) Follow me.

I'll hose off your mother.

And maybe I got something she can wear.

Terry cloth. I love it.

It's a pantsuit, it's a towel, it's both.

I've used it for both.

So, uh, you did this for school?

Yep.

She's doing a report on a place that inspired her, and I wanted her to be inspired by this town, but she hates it 'cause it's not New York.

It seems like you could have done that without going in the water outside my houseboat.

It does, doesn't it?

But you chose to live here instead of New York.

You could've lived anywhere.

You were a superstar singer-songsinger.

And New York.

It's the newest York. Why would you leave?

You know that picture of me on the record?

In front of Stan's place?

Treasures o' the Tide?

Mm. That's from my first tour.

We stopped here and I fell in love with the place.

I loved the people and the nature.

The drugs. Not in that order.

If it were going in order, it would be drugs, people, nature.

N-No, wait.

People, drugs... This is hard.

Okay, uh, great.

See, Tina? She loves it here.

Mm-hmm.

Do you guys want something to drink?

Tea? Or you could go?

I'd love some chardonnay.

( groans )

Bob: This is a bad idea, kids.

What-what are you - even gonna say?

Dom Lippo: All right, we got Sports Twins on the line.

We're on. Shh. Hi, Mr. Lippo.

This is Gene and Louise, um, Sports, calling about our friend Teddy.

First name Ice Ice.

All right. Goodbye.

Wait.

No. We're worried about him.

He hasn't been the same since... since his divorce.

Huh?

It broke him like a cheap egg.

Could you help, please, mister?

Oh. Oh, my God.

What?

They're doing a Sleepless in Seattle.

They're gonna make your life sound really sad on the radio to try and help you.

That's brilliant.

He's pretty pathetic, to tell you the truth.

Uh, really? What are we talking about here?

Uh, well...

Tell him about my security sock.

It's my ex-wife's sock. I sleep with it on my hand.

Oh, Teddy.

Yikes.

I heard him say that. Yeah, that's, that's really sad.

Give me more?

Tell him that I go to church 'cause they hold hands during the Our Father and it's the only physical contact I get all week.

Oh, yeesh.

So you understand the situation here.

Well, he's a pain in the butt, but, uh, maybe this explains some things.

All right, Ice Ice Teddy, it's your lucky day.

You're hereby unbanned from the show, all right?

There. You happy?

Yes! Thank you!

Throw away that sock. Next caller.

And that is how you do that.

Amazing.

That was kind of impressive. And so, so sad.

Teddy, do you want a burger?

In a bit.

I'll just get started fixing that bathroom door lock.

Hey. Don't worry about that.

Really?

You know what else? The burger's on the house.

I just feel like giving you stuff.

Oof. The church thing.

Wow. Thanks, Bob.

Enjoy that pity lunch, Teddy.

Say something else sad and maybe he'll throw in fries.

What do you know? I found you some chardonnay.

Oh, it's warm. I like that.

Hey, Tina?

Yeah?

Sorry I got a little crazy, honey.

It's just, when I was your age, I didn't appreciate where I lived.

I wanted to leave the whole time I was there.

You did?

Yeah.

I just wish someone had told teenage me, instead of always thinking about being somewhere else, don't forget to be where you are right now.

Ooh. Almost sunset.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ah...

Bring your guitars if you got 'em.

Just me?

( guitar plays )

Linda: What a view.

Tina: Wow.

Hey, you bums.

Hey, Dove. You're not gonna...

( vocalizing )

Oh, okay, you are.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Feminine denim man ♪
♪ He's a slender and tender man ♪
♪ A leathers and feathers man... ♪

Oh, my.

I'm-I'm glad you went crazy today, Mom.

This is kind of a great town.

It is.

Tina: There's the wharf, the houseboat people. They're fun.

There's that garbage barge over there.

Yeah, stinky garbage barge.

Taking away all our little mistakes.

By the way, I can't wait until you see New York.

Really?

Yeah. It's great.

Right, Dove?

I'm singing.

Sorry, sorry.

♪ Tapioca groovin' ♪
♪ My pudding started movin' ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ Tapioca groovin'. ♪

So, you feeling it?

That lady lives here.

Zeke: Hell yeah!

Sorry, Tina, I'm confused. Your report is... a folk song about pudding?

That's pudding it mildly. ( laughs softly )

And did you not write anything?

Nope. Just the CD.

Okay. I might need to let it sink in.

Thank you, Tina.

Yes.

Next up, Tammy Larson and her visual aide Jocelyn.

If Tina's report made you tired, get ready to be inspired.

New York, baby. Stand behind me please, Jocelyn.

Here?

No, behind me.

Stop trying to hog attention.

You are.

I am not, because this is my presentation.

I'm sharing my New York story and my truth.

You didn't even see New York.

( shushes )

You told me you stayed in the hotel room because New York smelled like pee and hot dogs and...

Shut up, Jocelyn! I told you that in secret.

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy.

Oh, my God, everyone's looking at us.

♪ We got that squirrel and we got that nice tree ♪
♪ We have a mural you can still kind of see ♪
♪ We've got a Tilt-A-Whirl I'm too scared to ride ♪
♪ There's the car wash where that famous guy died ♪
♪ There's a good mall ♪
♪ There's the bad mall ♪
♪ There's the sad mall ♪
♪ Ooh, really sad mall ♪
♪ We're having fun today ♪
♪ This town's okay ♪
♪ I guess this town's okay ♪
♪ It's basically okay. ♪