10x12 - A Fish Called Tina

Hey, tree, looking good, buddy.

Hey, crack in the sidewalk, looks like you've got a little piece of grass growing out of you. Love it.

What's up, trash can? You're nailing it.

Tina, love the energy.

Yeah, can we just cut it in half and then cut it in half again?

Sorry, I'm just pumped.

( exhales ) I'm finally a mentor. A Big Fish.

Man, it feels like exactly four years ago I was a Little Fish, with the best Big Fish anyone could ask for.

You're the best Big Fish anyone could ask for.

Aw. Back atcha, Little Fish.

Back atcha. Like "back at you," but with a "cha."

I like that. I'm gonna use that.

And I think I was a good influence on her.

I hope I can be half the Big Fish Madison was.

I heard she's working part-time at Caboose Kabob, so, nice.

Cha-ching.

Sorry you have to wait another two years to be a part of this magical journey again, Gene.

Fourth graders and eighth graders only.

It's okay. I'm pretty busy mentoring Ken through the bankruptcy of his street-wear company.

And Louise, sorry you got Tammy as your Big Fish.

I know, I'd rather be paired with an actual fish.

But my little fourth grader and I are gonna get along like crazy, right?

Who, Kaylee? Sure.

She's quiet, she reads weird books, she's got glasses. You two are nerds of a feather.

Yes.

Looking good out here, Bob.

You always look good with a broom in your hand.

You're like a pretty witch.

Thanks, that's what I was going for.

You guys must be the burger people.

I'm Rick, from the gym next door.

Hi, Rick. I'm Bob.

I'm Linda. Burger Linda.

Well, as you know, we just opened, so I wanted to apologize in advance for any smells or grunts coming from The Pumpin' Patch.

And we apologize for any grunts or smells coming from our place.

You guys are fun. Tell me, do you two currently belong to a gym?

( chuckles ) Oh, you're serious. No, we don't.

We're not gym people.

I totally get it.

I wasn't a gym person, either.

I used to weigh six pounds more.

And I was low energy, man.

I used to get tired around 11:00 p.m.

Now I look like this and I feel like I look like this.

And you talk like that. Good for you.

I'm actually a little, uh, dizzy from sweeping and I might, uh, just go inside and lay down.

I got it. But listen, if you find yourself gym-curious, come on by.

First day Pumpin' in the Patch is on me, okay? Okay.

Thanks, but probably not.

Rick: Okay!

All right, Big Fish, take a seat next to your Little Fish.

There you are, Kaylee. Let the inspirationing begin.

Sure, I've had enormous success, but I was lucky.

When I was in fourth grade, I had someone that inspired me.

And she's here today. And she's gorgeous.

Tina. Yeah!

( applause )

Thank you, thank you. It's not about me. Not about me.

Kaylee: Wh-What's not about you?

Kaylee Marjory Morganstern, it is my absolute honor to be your Big Fish.

Nice to... meet you, too, I guess?

Ah, ah, you're reeling in a big fish.

Oh... Kay. Gah...

You caught me. And now we're hugging.

That's soon. And tight.

( indistinct chatter )

Okay, settle down. Settle down.

All right, you'll be spending a lot of time with your Fish this week, so let's get out our pickaxes and break the ice, shall we?

I didn't get an axe.

I meant the icebreaker questionnaires I handed out.

Like the gum?

No. You know, favorite this and thats? Do those.

Uh, my favorite color?

You're gonna think I'm crazy, but it's green.

I never pegged you for a greenman, but I see it now.

Do you prefer the sky or the ground?

Definitely sky.

Totally. Yeah.

Tammy, I don't want to be here.

And I know you don't want to be here.

Nope.

So, maybe we don't have to be here.

Follow my lead.

Uh, Mr. Frond?

What, Louise?

Tammy and I are learning so much...

So much.

.. about each other through this really thoughtful...

Really thoughtful.

.. questionnaire that I assume was written by Dr. Phil.

It had to be Dr. Phil.

No, it... It was actually me.

What? ( laughing ): Come on.

What?!

No, you said that we're not...

Ow.

.. allowed to lie. Are you lying?

Is he lying? A teacher, lying?

No. No, I'm not lying, No.

Listen, turns out Tammy and I both adore the outdoors.

Love it.

And with your permission, these Fishies would like to take this budding friendship outside.

So that it can blossom like, whatchamacallems? Flowers.

Flow... Like flowers.

Aw, flowers.

See you around, suckerfish.

Yeah, later, dorkling.

What's your... favorite kind of bread?

Um, I don't know. Uh, rye?

Sourdough. Totally. Me, too.

What? Did you say rye?

Do you want to think about that some more? Or...

Should we just keep moving?

Yup, yup.

Uh, what is your favorite thing to spread on bread?

Now we're getting into it.

You know, I think Mr. Frond was just hungry when he made this list.

I agree. ( chuckles )

Look at us, laughing at the same stuff.

Should we hug again? Are your arms recharged?

They are not.

Ha. I love how we don't need to hug all the time.

Or make eye contact at all. ( groans )

( high-pitched ): You wish I were bigger, don't you, Bob?"

( normal voice ): Yeah, I mean, sure, tricep.

That'd be pretty fun, I guess.

( deep voice ): What about me?"

( normal voice ): Yeah, shoulder muscle.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

You talking to your muscles, Bob?

Uh, yeah, I was. I-I kind of want tricep muscles.

Ooh, I want tricep muscles.

I want to look like Linda Hamilton in Terminator.

Me, too.

Wait.

Are we talking ourselves into trying out the gym?

I think we are. I mean, just to try it.

Maybe they have those ropes.

I really want to try those big ropes that you shake.

You shake ropes?

Yup.

Like on that commercial. The guy shakes ropes.

And then they give him a credit card because he's so strong. That could be me.

( Rudy wheezing, laughing )

Zeke: ( laughing ): Oh, boy.

( echoing laughter )

( laughs )

Aah! Oh, my God, stop.

What? What... You scared me.

This is too much fun.

Is it?

Yep.

Really?

( bell rings )

That's the bell. Got to go.

Oh. Uh, back atcha.

What?

It's like "back at you," but with a "cha."

It's a thing with-with me and my Little Fish. We're great.

All right, see you later, Jimmy Junior.

Wow! That was our best five yet.

( frustrated grunt )

All right, Zeke. Uh, I'll see you at lunch.

Promise we'll sit together?

I love you so much, man.

I love you too, buddy. Get in here.

( laughing )

Right? Come on, big hug.

Son of a fish.

There's Kaylee. Just sitting there alone, looking miserable.

Hmm, I wouldn't say miserable.

She definitely needs me right now.

She's a tough nut to crack, but I'm the nutcracker to do it.

Maybe pop a mint before you crack that nut?

Just a thought. Don't say anything back.

Hey there, lonely friend.

Mm, no. Mm. I'm not lonely. I'm just reading.

You can tell your Big Fish anything.

Lay it on me. What's up?

I don't know, I'm just...

I'm readin' my book.

Whatcha reading?

The Squire in the Mire.

I have an idea... you eat, I'll read to you.

Yeah, I'd rather read by myself.

Totally get it.

I-I'd rather read by myself, too.

Scoot over. We-we can quietly read by ourselves, together.

Wait, what?

Okay. You're right there.

Wait, so, who's Screechinore?

He's the troll that lives in Fernchaps and plays the pan pipes of Thickelmore.

You know, lunch isn't very long and I really want to finish this chapter.

Forget it.

I'm slowing you down, I'm slowing you down.

I'll be quiet.

Okay, cool. Thanks.

( whispers ): And then the... Screechinore... went...

Oh, my God.

What?

You're mumbling out loud.

Was I?

Yeah. Kinda a lot.

Oh, you're done with that page already?

What a fast reader you are, Kaylee.

I mean, I was done, too.

Totally done. Flip it, I say.

( bell rings )

Oh, thank you, bell. Bye.

Cool. See-see you later, Little Fish.

( laughs )

Eh, what do you think, Bob? Is it gym o'clock?

You going to a gym?

I thought we had a deal where none of us exercised.

We-we might have to change the deal.

This gym is, like, 20 feet away.

If they put it any closer, we'd already be in it.

I guess we could close the restaurant for a little, right?

I mean, how long do people work out for?

Like, nine minutes?

Yeah.

I can't imagine it'd be longer than that.

Nine sounds high, to be honest.

Hey, Rick. We're here to get muscles.

Hey, Bob and Linda. Excuse me a second.

You're absolutely crushing level two, by the way.

Uh, Rick, do you have those big ropes you fling around?

Uh, Linda was wondering.

Right over here, my man.

Let's go to Ropestown.

Oh, wow. These are heavy.

That's a jump rope, Bob.

Oh.

No... those are battle ropes.

I'm messin'. Give 'em a flick.

( chuckling ): Okay.

( grunting )

Woo. Look at you go.

( grunting ): Oh, I love it. I-I feel like I'm a... sailor down at the docks... flickin' ropes... ( panting ) before, uh, you know, they go on, uh, they go on shore leave for Singapore.

Sure.

( moans ) I'm done. I-I'm done. I-I can't do anymore.

Uh, that was long, though, right?

Super long.

Lift the car off my kids, one.

Lift the car off my kids, two.

Well, look at you, tricep.

( high-pitched ): I was inside you all along, Bob.

( normal voice ): I know you were, tricep.

I know you were.

We're kicking. We're kicking.

Little fart that no one heard, and kick away the fart.

Oh. I feel amazing.

You look amazing.

You look amazing.

We should join this gym, right?

Uh, yeah, we should.

Linda: Tina.

You seem busy.

I'm reading Kids Don't Just Look Up To You Because They're Short, and also listening to the audiobook of Squire in the Mire.

It's so good and not confusing at all.

If God wanted us to listen to audio books, she wouldn't have given us eyes to watch TV.

Yeah, I'm gonna finish them both tonight so my Little Fish and I can be bonded for life.

Totally healthy.

Louise, how's it going with your Big Fish?

Great. She's ignoring me completely, and I'm ignoring her even more, and it's perfect.

You think I'm gonna need new shirts?

Does this look a little snug around my arms?

It is.

Time to commit to that tank top life.

Yeah, your father and I are both MILFs now.

What does "MILF" mean anyway?

Mom... Is Living Forever. MILF.

M-I... It checks out.

( whoops ) My blood is pumping, my en-dolphins are flowin'.

Endorphins.

I feel alive.

Wait. Bob, don't sit down. I want to smack your butt. Ah.

Oh, my God, is your hand okay?

It hurts.

Oh, wait until Teddy and Mort feel your butt tomorrow.

( Bob inhales through nose, exhales through mouth )

Oh, my God.

Aah. Oh, boy.

Oh. So sore.

Oh.

I can't move.

It's like labor if babies were coming out of everywhere.

Did we get hit by a truck while we were asleep?

Why'd you make me go to the gym?

I didn't make you go. Ow! All right. All right, listen.

We can't turn on each other.

We-we might need each other to survive.

That was so stupid of us to exercise. Aah.

If I can just roll... oh... Onto my front.

Ah. Ah.

( exclaims ) Okay. Okay. Oh.

Lower myself off the bed.

No. Aah! My neck.

Maybe I can scootch. Scootch like an inchworm.

( both grunting )

( both yelling )

Frond: So the Little Fish will draw something, then the Big Fish will add on, and we'll keep taking turns until it's art.

And please, no wieners.

Wieners are not art in this country.

That's a great mouse.

I'm gonna draw a mustache onto him, and call it a "mouse-stache."

( laughs ) Yeah, do that.

I'm gonna draw my grandma in your cloud 'cause that's where she is.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Why?

She's flying to Tampa right now.

So when Screechinore fell off the tower, I was like, "What?"

Oh, that was my least favorite book in the series.

It's a series? Huh. How many books?

There's ten in the original series, and then there's the prequels.

Okay, Kaylee, what else are you into, huh?

You like horses?

I'm allergic.

Oh, come on.

Tina, this is getting weird.

Can-can we just draw quietly ( panting ) with you breathing less heavily, please?

It's weird how much we're bonding right now.

That's for sure. Back atcha.

( panting )

I have to go throw up. You keep drawing. I'll be right back.


Louise: Remember who gave you these giant snacks, huh?

I did. Your overlord did.

( shutter clicking )

Not that I really care, but what are you doing?

Mm, not that I really want to talk to you, but I'm making it look like I'm on a tropical vacation. Duh.

Of course you are.

Okay. When people see these pictures online, they won't know that I'm not in the Caribbean.

And by people, I mean my cousin.

Well, that's not true, because you can definitely see the slide from that angle.

And I want to say the whole school.

Oh, you're right.

If you want to do the beach thing, you got to make a little hill in front of you.

Like this, see?

No...

Now put your face closer to the hill.

And then you take the picture from down here.

Sand, face, sun, boom. Caribbean.

( gasps )

Are you good at this, or something?

I guess I am.

Should we trick your cousin into thinking you got a tattoo?

( moans ) Oh, it hurts.

It hurts to move.

Let's just give up and live here.

On the stairs.

( grunting )

Tina: You wanted to see me, Mr. Frond?

Yes, Tina. Take a seat.

There has been an anonymous request for you not to be Kaylee's Big Fish anymore.

What? Well, who could it have been?

I mean...

( sighs ) Have you told Kaylee?

I... ( stammers )

Oh.

It was Kaylee, wasn't it?

I'm sorry, Tina.

Ugh. I just wanted to be a really good Big Fish like my Big Fish was to me.

Well, she just didn't seem to like you.

( retches )

Oh, G... Not the dolls!

( Zeke laughing )

What's up with ice cream?

Wow, Tina. I still can't believe...

It's not ice and it's not cream.

.. you got dumped by Kaylee.

( sighs )

I'm not crashing your ice cream party, by the way.

I'm an eighth grader and no one say otherwise.

Algebra, algebra, algebra.

It's gonna be hard not being a Big Fish anymore.

Um, o-once again, Tina, you are a Big Fish.

To me, your new Little Fish. U-Uh, I'm pretty pumped.

Even though I still think that Zeke might be my soul-mate.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Rudy.

We're gonna have so much fun. So much fun.

Eh, you sound like my dad.

Lin, order up.

All right, hold on.

The... Where's the order?

I'm trying.

( panting ): Ow. Ow.

It's hard to lift so high.

Why do we have such heavy plates?

Look at you two. It's like I'm in a restaurant on a planet with ten times the gravity of Earth.

Oh, hey, Kaylee and Kaylee's new Big Fish Zeke.

Don't mind us. My new Little Fish Rudy and I are just having an absolute blast together.

But again, please, don't mind us.

Okay.

Roger that, T.

Hey, buddy.

Nope, nope, nope.

This isn't awkward at all. Great way to eat ice cream.

Whatever, I'm in eighth grade. Now, about my pubes.

Louise. I need your help, like, five minutes ago.

Thank you, yes.

Cheers, Kaylee. Clink.

Cheers.

You made it sound like the paper's glass.

( laughs ) I did.

Uh, that's so interesting, Rudy.

Yeah... ( coughs )

I-I think some ice cream went down the wrong pipe.

Louise: All right, now hang your head.

Mm.

And we're swimming, and our hair is just flowing all around us because we're underwater...

Let that hair flow, girl. Come on, let it flow.

( moans )

And we don't make that face, 'cause that doesn't look good.

Hmm?

No good. No good.

No. Okay, here we go.

There we go. That's it. That's the one.

Hold it. Hold it.

Okay.

( gasps ) Wow.

Mm.

You seriously might be a genius.

Louise: Well the fish are gonna be upside down, but that doesn't matter.

What?

Yes, I'm a genius.

Who's ready to skydive?

Hey, buff neighbors, how's it going?

Bad, Rick.

Your gym hurt us.

Yeah, I might be dying.

That's great. You're feeling the burn.

No burn, no journ.

Journ?

Journey. To sweet hot bod land.

What'd you do to my friends, Rick?

Whoa, do you belong to a gym, sir?

You look like you work out.

Me? What? No.

I mean, sometimes I do a push-up or two, but no. A pull-up.

Wh... So what kind of promotions you got going on over there?

Teddy, no.

Rick, I-I think it would be best if you just canceled our memberships.

Because you're sore?

Well, I mean, like, super sore.

( inhales sharply ) Oh, yeah, no. I can't do that.

You guys signed a contract.

The legally binding kind.

Yeah, but we're never coming back.

You will. This soreness?

Gone in eight weeks, and you will be back, baby.

Never, Rick. Never.

Well, look, if you never come back, then you'll be in an elite group I like to call my favorite customers.

The ones that pay but never come.

Because frankly, it's a small gym, am I right?

If everyone came, no one would come.

But either way, what I'm trying to say is, I love you guys.

I got to go.

You, come with me.

Okay.

Linda: Teddy!

( whispers ): We'll talk later.

( clicks tongue )

In eight weeks, I'm gonna kick that guy's ass.

Mr. Frond, you wanted to see me again?

I didn't want to, but, yeah.

Oh.

Have a seat. Uh, uh, hold on.

This there. Move these.

We've had an anonymous request for you to not be Rudy's Big Fish anymore.

Switch back? Great.

No. Rudy's going to join Zeke and Kaylee.

Okay. I see.

You're taking this pretty well.

( retches )

And there it is.

Missed the waste basket.

Madison: Welcome to Caboose Kabob. What can I put in your caboose?

Um, what?

Sorry, they told me not to say that, but I can't help it.

Madison, it's me, Tina Belcher. Your Little Fish.

From when you were in eighth grade at Wagstaff.

Tina! I thought you looked familiar.

How are you?

Not good! I need to talk to you.

Uh, I'm on break in, like, 20 minutes.

You want to talk then? There's someone behind you.

Nope. Now's fine. I can step to the side.

Oh, okay. Welcome to Caboose Kabob.

What can I put... What can I get you?

Uh, let me see. Uh...

Hey, since you're still deciding, Madison, I've been looking forward to being a Big Fish since you were my Big Fish.

And now I finally am one but it's not working.

Um, is the tabbouleh fresh?

It's not not fresh.

It was so easy for you and me, Madison.

You were such a great Big Fish right out the gate.

That first day, when I was getting lunch, remember? And my glasses fogged up and I ran into a trash can and spilled chili all over me? Front and back somehow. I was a mess. But you just appeared like magic and said...

Order 71.

Baba Ghanoush Caboose and a cup of juice.

Um, no, you said...

Hey, hey. It's all right.

We'll get you cleaned up, little fishy.

Tina: And then you shook up that can of soda as a diversion so I could get to the bathroom without anyone seeing me. And it worked. You saved me.

You were a hero. I think about that all the time.

I mean, I'm glad it worked out, Tina, but not every Big Fish, Little Fish moment is gonna be like that.

Those things just happen.

You can't make them happen.

Right. You can just make them happen.

No. No, you can't make them happen.

Unless you do. Ha, wink, wink.

Yeah, I just got to go for it. With chili.

And be a hero. You've helped me again, Madison.

You've helped me a lot.

I-I don't...

Oof.

That-that's a pull.

I know. ( chuckles ) I know.

Frond: Thank you for coming to the Thanquet.

We are winding down another amazing Big Fish, Little Fish week.

I'm going to open the floor to anyone that would like to thank their Big or Little Fish.

Or me. Wouldn't that be novel?

Jocelyn: Okay, I'll go.

I had a really good time with you, Harriet.

It's Harley.

No, it's not.

This is crazy, Tina. I feel like Kaylee won't love it when you spill chili on her. Not to be that guy.

It worked once, it'll work again.

Where'd you even get chili?

I brought it from home.

Was that in the back of the fridge?

That's my emergency chili!

This is an emergency.

I got to do something to make Kaylee realize what a great Fish I am, a great Fish she dumped.

We're gonna have a little moment.

And she'll be so frickin' thankful when she's covered in chili and I blast this distraction soda and get her out of here safely.

And she'll remember it forever.

And then I'll be working at Caboose Kabob in four years and she'll come in asking for my help.

And I'll tell her the chili plan and the cycle continues.

Why do you even care what Kaylee thinks of you?

Because she was supposed to be my Little Fish.

So?

So she-she was supposed to be my Little Fish.

( chuckles ): Okay, we got to just let this play itself out.

It... I mean, she's gone.

I'm gonna eat this pizza like an eighth grade man.

Okay, so we have a plan.

We have a plan.

All right, let's close up.

Are you-are you sure we're not too sore to do this?

The money's more important than us ever using our bodies again.

Hey, no burn, no journ.

So, spin class is thrice a week.

And you'll learn staish bike moves like this.

And this. But not this. Never this.

Oh, hey, Bob and Linda.

I didn't expect to see you back so soon.

Are you kidding? We're gonna be here all the time.

Just gonna put my sweater on.

( strains ): Helps me sweat.

I'm gonna go sweat over here.

I don't clean it up, just so you know.

I'm gonna stink up this area right here.

Uh... ( chuckles )

Uh, these guys don't usually come.

Let me show you the ropes, literally.

Oh, I love these things. I have a little rope routine I like to do whenever you guys would be coming here.

It's a little loud.

It's like... ( grunting )

Oh, oh, I like to grunt, too.

( both grunting )

( chuckles ) T-They're really, they're really not gonna come, so...

Every damn day, Rick.

I'm here for my free day of working out.

( sighs ) Uh, I can eat in here, right?

Uh, you remember our good friend Teddy.

He's gonna be here all the time, too.

( quietly ): Okay, I'll tear up your contracts. Just get out.

Hey, do you guys drink water?

( grunts ) Oh, thank God.

I thought this week the Big Fish was supposed to teach the Little Fish stuff...

( crying ): but this fella taught me something.

About life.

About myself.

I'm glad that stuck with you.

When I found out my Little Fish was Louise, I was like... ( retches, groans )

But then we hung out and it was like, "Mm, eh."

And there was this moment in the middle that was like, "Mmm, okay." But whatever, it's over.

Big Fish time.

Aah!

Oh. Sorry.

Whoa, girl!

Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

Oh. Hey, Kaylee.

Tina? You okay?

Cool.

Cool.

Hey, everyone, look at me.

Over here. Keep that attention on me, okay?

I want to say a few words about my Big Fish.

Oh, you don't have to, but I love it.

I know for a fact that my Big Fish is the best possible fish in the sea.

I know.

None of you Big Fish care anywhere near as much as her.

( laughs ): Please, please. This is really great.

This Fish program lasts a week here at Wagstaff.

But I'm part of a Fish program that lasts for life.

Okay, now I'm confused.

( shouts )

I'm not talking about you, Tammy.

I'm talking about my sister Tina.

Tammy: Ew.

Gross.

I know. Gross.

I would like to say, I also have the best Big Fish.

If you leave the toilet seat up and Tina falls in, she doesn't get mad, she just changes her outfit.

Tina taught me how to do a Dutch oven.

She didn't even know she was teaching me.

And if someone doesn't like her like we like her...

No names... that's their loss.

And if she wasn't on her way to the bathroom right now...

( clears throat ) Go, go.

Which has nothing to do with having meat and beans all over her boobs...

Left and right.

I would be thanking her for everything she does for me.

And my eighth grade brother here.

Puberty.

But I don't want her to get a big head about it, so I'm glad she can't hear this part.

Back atcha, guys.

So beautiful. You did this, Phillip.

You did this.

That's my time, idiots.

Gene, play us out.

( fart sounds )

♪ Whoa, I'm on my left foot, how does he do ♪
♪ And on my right foot, whoa, boy ♪
♪ And now I'm goin', I'm goin', I'm goin' ♪
♪ Now I'm on my little tippy-toes ♪
♪ I'm on my tippy-toes ♪
♪ I'm on my fingers, you cannot do this ♪
♪ And now I'm on my right foot, I'm on my left foot ♪
♪ I'm now standing on the seat, I get no burn ♪
♪ Now I get back to burnin' ♪
♪ The left, the right, the left ♪
♪ You try this, now this and this and what ♪
♪ And here I go again ♪
♪ Now on my hands, is that possible? No ♪
♪ I'm here, now I am tired ♪
♪ Just kidding, now back to here. ♪