09x12 - The Helen Hunt

You know, it'd be cool if these menus wiped us for a change.

Yeah, like we're so clean.

Hey, Teddy. We haven't seen you in a while.

I've been working, like, three days straight for Helen, out at her beach house.

Oh, that house. I want that house.

I want it first.

It's been nice, just me and Helen working, talking. We've even shared a few sunsets.

I'm pretty sure one of the days, we both looked at the sunset at the same time.

It sounds like you still have a little crush on her, Teddy.

A crush? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe. I mean, she's so, uh...

Woman ( echoes ): Helen...

Ah...

Are there any dances coming up you could ask her to?

Yeah, when is Handyman Prom?

What? No, a guy like me doesn't have a chance with a lady like her.

Oh, come on. Sure, she's gorgeous and rich, and why would she go out with you?

But also why not you, right?

Why can't you be Cinderella?

Teddy-rella.

Nah, nah, nah.

So what kind of work is she having you do at her beach house?

Mostly looking in chimneys and air ducts.

Is that a euphemism?

Why is she having you do that?

Eh, Helen thinks her late husband Larry, who she definitely didn't kill, hid something valuable from her.

( chuckles ) D-Does she know you describe her that way?

Wait, Larry was hiding stuff? Why?

I don't know, but apparently Larry liked to hide stuff in vents and chimneys.

'Cause that's what you do when you totally trust your wife who definitely didn't kill you.

Right, right.

What did Helen think Larry hid?

A little Japanese carved figurine. It's called a netsuke.

Netsuke?

Yeah, netsuke.

I believe it's pronounced "Netscape."

This one's a carving of two snails intertwined.

On their honeymoon, maybe?

Tina: Wow. That's beautiful.

I wouldn't say beautiful, but it seems consensual?

I guess it's worth a ton.

Apparently, Larry had all sorts of wacky investments.

Japanese antiquities, vintage typewriters, real estate.

W-W-Wait, why is real estate a wacky investment?

Well, if you saw the apartment building he owned.

You know that place, a couple blocks from here, the DuMont?

Oh, yeah. Near the stop sign with the testicles graffitied on it.

That's the one.

I've done some handyman stuff there.

It's an interesting old place.

Nothing works in the whole building, but it's got charm.

Hold on. I wonder if Larry hid the netsuke at his apartment building.

Huh.

( gasps ) Teddy, you got to go there and find the Netflixy.

Netsuke.

Yeah, so you can surprise Helen with it.

Whoa, you'd score huge points with her if you did that.

I would?

Are you kidding me?

You'd be her Prince Charming. It's a friggin' fairy tale.

Wait, I thought he was Cinderella. Now he's a prince?

He can be both, Bob.

Yeah, Dad, read a book.

Huh. I do still have keys.

Let's all go right now. We can help you find it.

Yes, let's do it for love.

And for Louise to get a super valuable snail sculpture.

No, Louise, it's not yours, even if you find it.

( grumbles )

Come on.

Let's all help Teddy find the thing and get his dream girl.

Yeah, great. Let's close a little early and go probably not find something somewhere.

All right.

Louise: Wow.

This place is older than Dad.

No offense, Dad.

Bob: None taken.

A lot of buildings are.

Not in this country.

Okay, so every apartment has vents and fireplaces.

And we're gonna check 'em all.

Come on, Teddy's magical future life with Helen depends on us.

And why are people gonna just let us in?

We'll tell 'em, uh, we're here to do maintenance stuff.

You know, we'll fib a little.

Oh, boy.

"Open up, tenant, we need to search your holes."

There you go. Gene gets it.

So we should probably split up. There's three floors.

Bob, Gene, you guys start at the top.

We'll meet you in the middle.

And we'll all kiss.

Fine ( kissing sounds )

Not now.

Okay.

Uh, d-don't bother with the elevator.

It hasn't worked in 30 years, apparently.

It's basically just a big fancy birdcage now.

So, stairs, then? Perfect.

Anyone want to trade, third floor?

Old Man: Hello? Who's there?

Hi, my son and I are here with Teddy the handyman.

We're here to check some pipes.

Uh, great. Come in, come in.

I-I called about the pipes a few weeks ago.

The hot water in the kitchen just trickles out.

TMI.

Follow me. Can I get you something to drink?

Maybe some warm water from the sink, if you have an hour?

Ha. Uh, no. We're-we're good, thanks.

( whispering ): Why are we looking at his pipes?

( whispering ): Oh, crap. Did I say "pipes"?

( groans ) We were supposed to say "vents."

Or was it "vests"? Want to check him for vests?

You guys see a cat in here?

Um, no, no...

If you do, it's not mine.

Let it out.

Okay.

Should we just leave?

No, we should help this guy.

I think he's blind.

( sighs ) Let's look at his pipes and then maybe we can casually switch to vents.

Gene: Then vests.

Here's where it's trickling. Sorry it's dark in here, but you probably have your own work light, right?

Uh, uh, we, uh... ( clears throat )

We don't... We don't have it on us.

It's in the truck. Our big butch truck for boys.

We both drive.

Gene, stop talking.

Who'd you say you were, again?

Oh, uh...

Fleetwood Mac!

No, we're not, we're not Fleet...

We are Fleetwood Mac.

We're... our...

The name of our company is Fleetwood Mac.

We're handymen.

Are you?

H-Handy?

Yes.

We're handsy Gene.

Uh, well, I'm gonna go back to my shows.

Great. Well, we'll be in here.

With our plumber butts.

Fix, fix, fix, fix, fix, fix.

Linda: Hi.

Uh, we would like to check out your heating vents.

All, all of you?

That's right.

Doesn't make a lot of sense.

No, no, it does.

Oh, it does?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes perfect sense.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay. Sure, why not?

( chuckles ) Come in.

Great, thanks.

Oh, I know you.

Yeah, I, I-I swapped out your refrigerator a couple of months ago.

Of course! Yeah, how's your back?

Uh, I thought it was gonna snap like a wishbone.

( chuckles ) My wish would have been that I didn't have a herniated disc.

( laughs )

Eh...

Would you rather have a his-niated disc?

( laughing ): His-niated.

( laughing )

Ah.

Right.

Yeah. I'm Kathleen, by the way.

Uh, me, too. Yeah.

Uh, no. I mean, no.

You're Kathleen. I'm Teddy.

( chuckles )

Whoa. Chemistry alert.

Uh, what sport are you watching here?

Wha-What is this, grass hockey or something?

People polo?

( laughing ): People polo?

Pl -

No, it's hurling.

Hurling? What... ?

What-What's hurling?

Well, it's-it's like if hockey, soccer, and baseball had a baby, and then that baby joined a gang...

Hey, Mom, Louise, quick hallway meeting?

Did you guys see Teddy and Kathleen in there?

They're really hitting it off.

No. Tina, what?

We're here for Teddy and Helen.

And the netsuke.

Just saying, we're-we're here to help Teddy find love, but what if it's not with Helen?

Listen, when rich and beautiful Helen sees Teddy marching in there with that nutsky...

Netsuke.

She is going to pick him up and carry him away, and they're gonna live happily ever after in her beach house castle.

'Cause she's rich.

Well, maybe Teddy doesn't need a rich Princess Charming to pick him up and carry him away.

Maybe he needs a nice lady with either a charming speech impediment or a cool accent... I can't tell...

In a sensible apartment to watch weird sports with.

Sorry, Mom. I'm on Team Kathleen.

Well, I'm on Team Helen.

Remember, we're here to make Teddy and Helen a reality Pfft. Well, I'm here to make Teddy and Kathleen a reality.

Helen and Teddy are gonna toast me at their wedding, and you are gonna have to clap and smile nice.

Well, I'll try and get you an invitation to Kathleen and Teddy's wedding but no promises.

And it's probably going to be a destination wedding in wherever Kathleen's from.

I want to say Pennsylvania?

( Kathleen and Teddy laughing )

Too bad Kathleen's bonding up a storm with Teddy, and Helen's not even here...

Damn.

There she is.

Um, hi.

Oh, she's even better looking than I remember.

Oh, boy.

What's going on?

Helen, hey. ( nervous laugh )

What-what-what... what are you doing here?

How about you first?

I was looking for that, uh, uh, thing of Larry's, and these Belchers were helping me.

Well, that's fun that you shared that information with so many people.

This thing has a lot of sentimental value for me.

Maybe actual value. Who knows?

You know, this feels like a reward situation, since this thing has so much sentimental value, right? I mean... right?

( laughs ) Yes, yes, of course let's have a reward.

How does $20 sound?

Oh... like not enough money. $50.

( chuckling ) Well, aren't you a little businesswoman?

Okay, deal.

Thousand. $50,000.

Louise. Shushies.

Oh, you're Larry's widow.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Losing a husband really sucks.

I know, I... I lost one, myself.

Yeah, it's rough.

It's really, really rough stuff.

Who's this?

That's Kathleen.

She lives in 1-A.

Larry was a nice guy and a delight of a neighbor.

What do you mean, neighbor?

Neigh-bor. Am I saying that right? Neigh-bor?

He stayed here when he was in town? In his apartment? 3-B?

Uh, I mean, of course I know he had an apartment here. Duh.

Yeah, you were... you were saying it weird.

That son of a bitch had a secret man cave.

Did-did it work now?

No.

Now?

No.

So, keep doing this a hundred more times?

Well, turning this thing is the full extent of my plumbing knowledge. Wait. Did it work now?

No.

Now?

Hell no.

Why hell no?

Just switching it up.

Old baseball mitts, vintage board games.

It's like he filled this place with everything I wouldn't let him have at home.

So, Kathleen, I love your hair. Tell me.

How long ago did your husband pass away?

Appropriate time to start dating again ago?

Smooth, T. Perfect.

Eight years ago. He was hit by a train.

Oh. I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

Oh. Did you sue the city for millions?

Oh, you Americans.

Suing for millions isn't gonna bring him back.

Plus, you know, he loved trains.

Uh, who doesn't?

Booze cart? What?

Teddy, come here. Help me fix Helen a drink.

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay.

( groans )

Well, good luck finding what you're looking for.

Uh, where are you going?

Back to my apartment.

It's where I keep my telly.

But wait!

Don't you want to stay and talk with Teddy? Oh, she's gone.

Helen, look at Teddy pour these drinks He's like friggin' Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

Yeah, I went to bartending school.

Best four years of my life.

Ooh, make me a Mai tai!

A what?

Helen, do you mind if I smash this vase?

Oh, please do. I hate that vase.

Yes.

Linda: Louise, no.

Damn it. Where are you going?

After Kathleen. I've got a match to make.

I'll join you. Maybe Larry's secret apartment is too obvious a place to hide a secret.

Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?

It's going weird. You?

Same. Dad, are you lost?

Um, no. We're helping this guy in 3-A.

I just can't figure out where this pipe goes to.

If these two go to the radiator, what is this one?

Maybe it goes to your butt?

Yeah, Dad. Check it.

Oh, hey... guys.

What you eating?

Cold pasta.

Hot damn.

Do... you want some?

Mmm. Mmm, mmm.

This is cold pasta, all right.

I'm gonna look around your apartment, but it'll be totally normal. Ignore me.

Okay... ?

Speaking of cold pasta... what do you... look for in a fella?

Uh, I suppose I-I like guys that are kind...

Check.

And strong.

Super check. Hey, Teddy, we need you down in 1-A, buddy!

And brilliant! I wouldn't kick brilliant out of bed for fartin' up the sheets.

Brilliant. Uh-huh.

.

Um, still come on down, Teddy!

There in a sec!

And, uh, you know who's never had an STD?

Teddy... pretty sure.

Hmm. Not really listening, but great.

He was in the Navy, but, uh...

Uh-huh.

Sounds like they need me i1-A.

I'm just gonna pop down there real quick.

Hurry back! You got to be the one to find the neti-potski!

Right, right, right.

Teddy, wait! We-We've got a plumbing thing in here.

How do you, um, do plumbing?

Wish I had time, guys, but, uh... here's a pliers, a wrench, and a screwdriver. Godspeed.

So, these guys'll just know what to do, right?

The wrench will. The screwdriver doesn't know anything.

And don't ask the pliers!

( panting ): Hi. You rang?

Yes, but first, you've got something in your eye.

I do?

Oops, uh, where'd my glasses go?

Kathleen, can you take a really long look at Teddy's eyes?

Okay.

Hmm, they're kind of bloodshot. What am I looking for?

I have been welding without a mask.

Teddy, look into Kathleen's eyes, deeply.

Wait, who's got something in their eye?

I'm seeing eye boogies.

You want me to get 'em out or are we leaving them in?

What are we doing?

Let's leave 'em in.

Well, it's not in the fireplace. Who's got a wet wipe?


Linda: Teddy? Can you come upstairs to 2-B?

Damn it.

Okay, coming!

2-B? Uh, 2-B continued. Am I right, Kathleen?

Not necessarily. People could leave my apartment.

That's an option.

Uh, okay, I should label these, probably.

( chuckles ) Oh, it's one of these.

( grunts ) Okay. No. Ah, ah! No. Ah! Not that one.

Ah! It's not that one, either. Here we go.

Okay.

Not that time! ( grunting )

Come on! There we go. Open sesame.

( chuckles ) Here we are. Apartment 2-B.

Currently empty. Nope.

Hello, sir. You look terrified.

Boy, Teddy the handyman. Such a handy man.

Imagine having someone around all the time that could fix stuff for you. ( whistles )

Yeah. Especially around here, where everything breaks or leaks or smells.

And no one licensed has ever stepped foot in this building.

Hell, even Larry would pick up a hammer sometimes.

Try and nail down the loose boards in the stairway.

And he did some plumbing in the upstairs hallway, for some reason.

Plumbing in the upstairs hallway, you don't say.

Well, I did say.

You did.

Yeah, I just said it.

Uh, excuse us.

Tina girl, the pipes, the pipes are calling.

What?

Pipes? Pipes are calling?

You know, the song?

"Danny Boy."

Yeah, yeah, it's good.

Yeah. It's "the pipes are calling."

It's good.

It's the...

Ugh, you know what, it-it doesn't...

You don't even need to know the song, just come with me.

Dad said he couldn't figure out where this pipe went.

What if it doesn't go anywhere? ( grunting )

( screams )

Tina: Holy crap, you found it.

Come on, let's collect our dough and go.

Right, we tell Helen, we get a reward, and then we leave, and we'll never know if Kathleen and Teddy were meant to be.

Yup. Good plan. Let's do that.

Unless we don't because we never found the netsuke.

What Kathleen and Teddy need is more time for their romance to blossom.

Come on, let's get this guy back in its pipe.

Whoa, but what about the reward?

We'll "find" it again in a little bit, after Teddy and Kathleen realize they're falling in love.

Then you'll get your reward.

And you'll do my restaurant chores for a month. Deal?

Fine, whatever. Who's the super-matchmaker now, huh?

Um, you are?

Damn friggin' right I am.

Okay, treasure re-hidden, good, good.

Now let's get back to forcing Kathleen and Teddy together.

( sighs ) The beginning of every great love story.

( Helen and Teddy laughing )

Crap. Teddy's with Helen.

It's coming from the laundry room.

What's going on in here?

Nothing. We're just venting.

( laughter )

I've been waiting a long time to say that.

Totally worth it.

( laughs )

Okay, we can laugh and look.

Huh, candles.

I might've lit a couple. Maybe it's romantic, who knows?

Ugh! Come on, Louise.

Okay, this might work. We, uh, we loosened it and, uh, then we tightened it. I feel pretty good about this.

( grunting ) Okay, does it work now?

No.

Oh, crap. Just lie to me at this point.

Gene: Really?

No.

Happy to lie to you about your hair.

Bob: What's wrong with it?

Nothing.

Wait, does it work now?

( water running )

Yes!

Really?

Yes! What did you do?

I turned the thing!

I thought that's what you were doing before.

Uh, I was turning it wrong, but let's not focus on that.

We fixed the sink!

We fixed the sink! Come up to me.

I need to hold you.

I'm coming!

( grunting ) This might take a minute.

Here, let me pull on your ear.

Ow! Don't pull!

Let me look at your little beautiful face!

I'm out! We did it!

Oh, we did it!

We did it!

You two sure are happy about doing your job.

Oh, uh, yeah, well, we, uh...

I'm kidding.

You're my new favorite handymen.

I'm gonna recommend Fleetwood Mac to all my friends.

( metal clanks )

Is that sound what I think it is?

No. No, definitely not.

Eh, come in, I guess?

Hey, Kathleen, I had such a hankering for more of that cold pasta.

Mind if I help myself? Cool, thanks.

She couldn't stop talking about it.

Yeah, the secret's letting it sit in the fridge for a couple of weeks.

Oh, man! I-I got red sauce all over this dish towel.

You clumsy fool. ( grunting )

Ooh.

Wait. Wha-What's-what's happening?

Are you... are you people okay?

Kathleen, you got to get this towel to the laundry room right now.

Come with us? Show us where it is? Fix your hair?

No, never mind. Th-There's no time, you look great.

Move it.

Coming through.

Now you're st pushing.

Hey, girls.

Bit of an emergency here. Teddy, I need you and Kathleen to stand shoulder to shoulder...

It's okay if your shoulders touch...

And rub stain remover on this towel.

Hurry.

Okay.

It-It's a little cramped in here, so, Helen and Mom, can you guys leave?

No.

How about we don't worry about a towel right now?

Yeah, I don't even wash that towel ever.

That's not a pattern; that's just stains.

May I remind all the children that whoever finds the special item we're looking for will get 50 bucks?

Oh, yeah, we're looking like crazy for that thing.

We're just... um, Th-this towel situation came out of nowhere.

Oh, really?

Speaking of rewards, I feel like you'd get that special item way faster if you doubled it.

Tina, Louise. A word.

You're acting weird. What's up with this towel crap?

Girls, talk.

We're not hiding anything, Mom, you're hiding anything.

And we haven't found anything, either. So that's sett-settled.

( gasps ) You found the netsadoodle, didn't you?

Pfft. Wh-What? Pfft. As if.

Louise, am I wrong?

What's it worth to you?

Louise.

What? I can't negotiate?

All right, here's the offer.

Tell me where it is and you're both not grounded.

Here's my counteroffer... you're grounded.

These are terrible offers, both of them.

( growling ): Where is it?!

Teddy, come with me.

There's a... fire in the... toilet.

A dummy pipe. Course it's in a dummy pipe.

I'm the dummy that didn't think of that.

You're not a dummy, Teddy. You're a smarty.

Because you found this all on your own, remember?

And Helen's gonna fall in love with you because of it, and because of who you are inside and stuff like that, and not how you smell.

Right. Sure.

Ah! Let me see it.

Helen: Linda, where are you?

Helen. Ah!

Both: No, no, no, no, no.

Crap.

Helen: Oh, Linda, where'd my looking buddy go?

You're the one that reaches in all the gross places.

( laughing ): Down in a sec!

Where'd it go?

There it is.

( grunting )

This looks totally safe.

You know, if I, uh, took a step or two, uh, I could probably get it.

No. Lin, if anyone's going out there, it should be me.

Here I go. Cinderella time.

Okay. Be careful, Teddy. Try-try to be light.

Yeah, I-I-I got to be really... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah!

Teddy! Are you all right?

Yeah. I can easily hold on for another... minute or less.

Teddy? Are you up there?!

Teddy: I am!

Are you okay?

Uh, sort of.

Well, uh, yeah, see, he found the netslinky and then he, uh...

He found the netsuke? I'll be right up. ( panting )

Oh, now I see him. Oh, Lordy.

Crap, crap, crap, crap.

We cleaned up the water, we screwed the faucet back on...

No, not all of it. Not all the way. I mean, hopefully a real plumber will come and fix everything.

Yeah, but he won't have a hot little son working with him like you do.

Bob, come here.

What the hell? What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Should we call the fire department?

Sure, if they can come in the next 20 seconds 'cause my hands are starting to slip.

Can we get the elevator back to his feet?

But how do we do it? It's broken.

You got to do it manually.

Th-Th-There's a lever on the roof.

It's a brake for the counterweight.

I-If you release it, the elevator car should go up.

Bob: Uh, okay, Teddy, I-I'm going to the roof.

The father and hot son plumbing team is going to the roof!

So, uh, where's the netsuke now?

Helen, hi.

Hi, Teddy.

I found that thing that you want.

Yes, I know. Thank you very, very much.

Where is it?

I kind of lost track of it.

Last time I saw it, it was on the roof of the elevator.

( gasps ) There it is.

Bob: Whoa.

Teddy: Are you up there?!

Yeah! We-we found the pulleys and stuff!

Teddy: Great!

And it doesn't look complicated at all!

Do you know which one we're supposed to pull? Or push?

I have no idea.

Dad, just guess the right one.

Bob: Okay, okay, uh...

Did that work?

No.

Did that work?

No!

This is our process.

Hang on, Teddy.

Okay, trying another one!

Tina: It's working.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop!

Uh, okay, stopping.

Why?

( grunts )

Uh, wha-what's going on?

If the elevator keeps going up, my netsuke could fall off and break.

But if the elevator doesn't go up, then Teddy will fall.

Probably. I have no feeling left in my hands.

But there's a chance he might not fall.

And that's just a risk we'll have to take.

What? Are you serious?

Don't say it like that. He'll be fine. Maybe.

Oh, my God, Helen's horrible.

Yeah, she is.

I don't know if I can hold on much longer.

Uh, okay, I'm pushing it again.

No!

All: Yes, push it!

( grunting ) Gotcha!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I-I'm slipping. ( screams )

Bob: Are you okay?!

I-I am okay.

( Gene and Bob whooping )

We did it. We saved Teddy and fixed the faucet.

We... we didn't fix the faucet.

Uh, getting a little close to the ceiling, Bob.

Want to push that lever back the other way?

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Doing it.

Teddy. Oh, you're okay.

Teddy.

T, thank God.

Louise: Get in here.

Cool. Glad you're okay, Teddy.

That's good. Well, got to go, you guys, you know, maybe to an auction house, maybe not.

Who knows how late they're even open.

Whoa, whoa, whoa-hey!

What, that's it? What about the reward?

Well, here's the problem. No cash.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, online gift card?

Check your e-mail. Bye.

Louise: Ugh, no. Wha...

( screams ) Oh, my netsuke.

Yeah. That's the loose board.

Helen: Ah. Just a little crack. It's okay. It's...

( cat screeches )

( screams )

Ah, son of a bitch! It broke!

( groans ) Stupid cat. Stupid snails.

Stupid dead Larry!

Keep in touch.

So, Larry had a secret apartment.

Uh, seems healthy.

Teddy, I'm so sorry I almost got you killed getting the Napster back.

I was on a crazy matchmaking high.

Netsuke.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Nescafé.

Perfect.

( sips ) Mmm, that's good.

I'm sorry, too, Teddy. If I hadn't re-hidden that thing, you never would have been in that elevator shaft.

I forgive you guys.

You were thinking of my best interests.

Kinda. Maybe.

You know, I thought looking for the thingy was a fairy tale, and Teddy was supposed to end up with the young rich princess.

But maybe not. Maybe he's supposed to end up with a nice princess in sweatpants.

Wait, what's going on?

Shh, shh, shh. Kathleen, didn't you have a wobbly cabinet door in your kitchen?

Yeah, they're all wobbly.

Want Teddy to handyman it up?

Oh, yeah, Teddy, you want to take a look at that?

I don't know. I-I can't move my fingers very well.

Uh, is that water coming in under the door?

On it.

(à la "You Make Loving Fun"): ♪ You ♪
♪ You make plumbing fun ♪
♪ It's all I wanna do ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You make plumbing fun ♪

Louise: All right.

♪ It's all I wanna do ♪
♪ You, Dad ♪
♪ Gene ♪
♪ You make plumbing fun ♪

Louise: Uh-huh.

♪ It's all I wanna do ♪
♪ My son ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You make plumbing fun ♪

Louise: Yes!

♪ It's all I wanna do. ♪