07x05 - Large Brother, Where Fart Thou?

Linda: ♪ La, la, la ♪
♪ Going to the accountant, gonna do our taxes ♪
♪ At the last minute, we're adults ♪
♪ Responsible adults, yeah! ♪

That's a beautiful song, Linda. Where's it from?

No, Teddy, we really are going to the accountant to do our taxes.

We probably shouldn't have waited until the last possible moment on the last possible day, but it is kind of our tradition.

Aw, that's true! So special.

I don't know why you guys need an accountant.

It's fun to do your own taxes.

No. Mm... no. It's fine.

Our accountant isn't that expensive, and he's really good.

Or pretty good. He's fine. Yeah.

We go for an hour, we pretend to laugh at his jokes.

Ugh, the jokes.

Then we're done for the year.

Why do you pretend to laugh at his jokes?

Well, he's in charge of our money, Teddy.

We have to be nice to him.

I mean, I think he takes away a dependent every time we don't laugh.

Well, good luck with that. I'm going down to the docks.

I'm helping out with Lobsterfest.

Ugh. Lobsterfest.

What's wrong with Lobsterfest?

There's too much lobster.

Yeah, that's this year's theme: too much lobster!

All right, well, have fun.

You, too, going to the accountant.

Hey, Accountantfest. Too much taxes!

Yup. (groans)

Okay. Bye, Teddy!

Tina: Whoa. Eye contact.

Did I just have significant E.C. with Joe Harrison?

It felt like it. That's weird.

I barely know him. Hmm.

Look at me again.

Look at me. Look at me. Ugh!

Joe, where do you think you're going?

You have detention, young man.

(sighs) Fine.

Tina: Detention, huh?

Ugh! Reading is dumb!

Tina, what is going on?

Your mom.

What?!

Is dumb.

And reading is dumb.

You just earned yourself detention.

Got it.

Sorry about all that.

Well, I'm sorry, too. Maybe you don't need detention...

Shove it!

Oh, okay, definitely detention.

Tina: Eyes on the prize, which is Joe's eyes.

Linda: I can't believe

Tina got detention.

We needed her to babysit you two.

Mom, we've been over this.

Gene and I are fine by ourselves.

You let us babysit Aunt Gayle whenever you go out of town, and she's a handful.

Mm. I don't know. Bob, what do you think?

I guess. I mean, it is just an hour, and we'll be close by.

All right, but I'm setting a lot of rules.

Don't open the door to anybody.

What if it's a guy with a gun and he really needs to pee?

No.

And don't use the stove or knives or the bathtub or matches.

Well, then how are we gonna have a hot knife bath?

And if anyone calls for us, say that we're home, but we're... pooping.

No, say I'm in the shower, but I look good for my age.

Guys, guys, we got it. We'll be fine. I'm in charge.

You don't have anything to worry about.

Well, technically, Gene's in charge.

He is?

I am? Yes.

He's your big brother, Louise.

I mean, big brother?

I think of him more as a large brother.

No offense.

Yes, offense!

It's just, you don't really do the traditional big brother stuff.

You don't call me squirt, you aren't good at baseball, and I have to give you a piggyback ride when your legs get tired.

Just 'cause Dad's not strong enough.

Louise, Gene is older than you though, so I guess your mother has a point.

Yeah! I'm large and in charge. Literally.

(laughs): Okay.

(quietly): Don't worry.

I'll keep an eye on him.

Now get out of here, you crazy kids. Go!

We'll be back in an hour.

Remember what I told you.

Yup.

Okay, bye bye. Bye.

Yup.

(door opens, closes)

So, forbidden snack time?

As your king, I declare them unforbidden!

I like how you think.

Tina: Moment of truth.

It's just me and Joe.

And all these other kids.

Time to figure out if lightning strikes twice.

In our eyes.

I have the perfect angle.

Don't sit down there.

No, no, no, no. Damn it!

Okay, okay, I can maybe still see Joe.

(groaning)

Just a casual lean.

No big deal.

Almost there.

Almost...

(gasps)

I'm okay.

Gerald: Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-

Ba-Ba-Belchers!

Hey, guys. You pumped to get these taxes done or what?

Yup. Love 'em.

Love taxes. (whoops)

Cool. 'Tis the season.

That's what I always say.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la tax. ♪

(both laughing)

You guys want some water or anything before we get started?

I'll have my secretary grab some. Just kidding.

I don't have a secretary.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

Oh. It's very funny.

You guys want a butterscotch cookie?

One of my clients made them for me.

They look delicioso.

Mmm. Oh, my God, these are good!

Bob?

Uh, sure, I'll have one.

Ooh, I'll have one more. Mmm. Good.

All right, let me just pull out my tax-ophone.

And tune it up.

(imitating saxophone music)

Okay, let's just get started, could we?

Louise: Okay, let's make sure we're on the same page here.

We're making 17 layer dip, correct?

Correct.

But we won't put in a 13th layer because it's bad luck.

I'm going to visit the produce drawers and look for mom's hidden bacon bits that she thinks we don't know about.

(gasps) Xanadu.

Gene. Come. See.

What is it?

It's softer than the tops of Dad's legs.

Oh, I know exactly what it is.

It's a cantaloupe.

Remember when Mom put it under her shirt at the grocery store and pretended she had another boob, and then they made her buy it?

(gasps)

That was three years ago!

We got to throw it.

Wh-What?

We got to throw it off the fire escape into the back alley.

Yes! Wait, maybe no.

This seems like possibly a bad idea that could get us into trouble.

And I guess I'm in charge, so...

Gene, don't overthink it.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

We've never been home alone before, and we've never found a rotten cantaloupe before.

Are you saying this is proof there's a God?

I'm not saying it isn't.

Gene, when life hands you moldy melons, you make moldy melon-ade.

All right, let's do it.

Let's throw a melon!

That's the spirit!

There you go, large bro!

Tina: Joe.

Joe, Joe, Joe.

I've never even thought about Joe that way before, but maybe he's been thinking about me that way all along.

Maybe today, he looked at himself in the mirror, and he said, "Today's the day that you tell Tina how you feel."

He's probably a mess right now.

I've got to make eye contact again. I... (groans)

I can't see him from this position though!

All right, time to turn my desk.

Detention is two hours.

If I move the desk an inch every five minutes, I'll be able to see Joe's eyes in about 90 minutes.

Here goes.

Frond: Tina.

No moving your desk.

Tina: Damn it!

I'll find another way.

Wait for me, Joe.

Okay. I just want to verify that this year your retirement contribution was... zero.

That sounds right.

(phone rings)

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to get that.

I sent Pamela home early today.

(laughs) Just...

Remember? (laughs)

There's nobody there.

I-I remember.

Hello. This is Gerald.

Oh, hey, Tim.

Yeah, I've got the cookies right here.

Okay.

Under no circumstances should we eat these cookies?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... What?

Right, but... (laughs)

Let's just say maybe we ate some.

Mm. I-I had two.

Uh, I-I only had one.

I had three, hello!

Okay, well, uh, thanks for telling us.

Bye.

Gerald, what's happening?

What's going on?

Uh, it turns out the cookies I gave you have marijuana in them... a lot of it.

Oh, no.

I-I guess Tim made two batches of cookies.

These were for his mom.

She apparently ate hers and didn't get high, so...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

We can't get stoned in the middle of the day.

We're old. We have kids!

Oh, God. This is bad.

Stupid cookies!

They were good though.

Maybe I'll just have one more.

Lin, no.

Gene, we are about to make history.

And here we...

Uh-oh.

...go!

(distorted): No...!

Aah!

What the...?!

Ugh, dude.

Oh, my God.

Is that Logan?

(chuckles)

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Louise Belcher.

Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide.

Hide. Hide. Hide. Hide.

(laughs)

Oh, you just made my day.

I wanted to work out some of this hostility I'm feeling all the time, which Dr. Swanson says is totally normal, but I was like, how am I gonna do that?

Now I know.

I'm gonna clear my schedule so that I can make your lives a living hell!

Uh, I think you forgot about that thing you have today!

Remember that thing?

You can't miss that thing!

You are dead, Louise Belcher!

(chuckles): Okay, look, that was an accident.

A hilarious accident that I wish I had on video.

You don't have to get all crazy-face mad about it, okay?

Logan, come on.

Let's hit the park.

You guys go.

I'm gonna figure out how to ruin Louise's life for a while.

All right, dude.

We believe in you.

Well, we're gonna go inside and watch TV now.

Fine. I'm just gonna go around front, ring the doorbell and tell your parents what you did.

Well, joke's on you because they aren't home.

Yeah!

Oh, your parents aren't home?

Interesting.

That expands my options.

Well, our boyfriend is coming over any minute and he has a Bowflex!

I don't...

I don't think I'm high.

Me neither.

I feel like I'm peeing.

Am I peeing right now?

Bob, can you check?

So, are-are our taxes, like, mostly done?

Wow, look at all these numbers.

Oh, boy.

What are they, right?

How do we assign value to symbols?

I swear I'm peeing.

Bob, can someone see?

Will you please stop?

Stop peeing?

No, stop saying "I'm peeing."

Am I pretty?

Tina: Okay, time to take bold action.

May I go to the restroom?

(sighs) Fine.

But no dawdling.

Tina: And now for the slight head turn.

Keep it casual, and...

♪ The briefest of glances ♪
♪ Can start the biggest romances ♪
♪ Our eyes were doing the dances and they were ♪
♪ Making advances ♪
♪ When our eyes met, I was like, hey, now ♪
♪ I bet that Joe could be the one... ♪

Frond: Tina!

What?

What are you doing?

You're just standing there.

Are you gonna go to the bathroom or not?

Just one second.

♪ Are you the one? ♪

(fireworks popping)

Okay, now I'm going.


Louise: Is, uh, Stalker Texas Ranger still out there?

It's been almost an hour.

He's there.

I wonder if maybe we should, you know, apologize, so he won't be so mad and he won't kill us?

Gene, relax.

He's down there, and we're way up here with the doors locked.

Don't tell me you're actually scared of him.

No, I'm scared of something else.

It's just a coincidence that I'm staring at a really mean high school kid who's down there doing karate on a parked car!

All right, all right, I'll talk to him.

Excuse me.

Oh, good.

Hey, Logan, go home and take a shower.

You're smellin' of melon!

Oh, God.

I'm never going home and I am never taking a shower until I get my revenge.

Oh, man, you're gonna be sorry, Louise.

I am sorry that I'm still talking to you.

Louise, maybe don't...

I was thinking I'd just give you a noogie or maybe a swirly, but I've changed my mind.

Now I'm gonna give you a Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold!

(quietly): Oh, man, did he just say the Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold?

You do not want the Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold.

What?

That's a real thing?

It's the signature move of the professional wrestler Norwegian Steven.

Since when do you watch wrestling?

I have a life, Louise!

Well, what's a whatever whatever Stink Hold?

It doesn't even sound scary.

Well, it is.

When Norwegian Steven's got his opponent on the ropes, he pulls them into a headlock like this... Ooh.

...and then he pinches them like this... Whoa.

...until they have to breathe in his B.O.!

Well, I'm not gonna worry about that.

He's never getting up here.

I'm gonna jump up there and grab you!

(grunting)

Put your hand out.

No, thank you.

Uh, he'll tire himself out soon enough.

♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la-la-la-la... ♪

(whispering): I don't like it.

Don't like what?

(grunts)

What? What are you doing?

(whispers): Linda.

I can hear you guys.

Gerald, look at me.

Mm-mm.

♪ Gerald, I'm your friend ♪
♪ Through thick and through thin, we'll do it together. ♪

(whispering): She's so loud.

Linda, maybe don't sing to Gerald right now.

What? Why? He likes it.

Oh, man.

We better call the kids and tell them we'll be late.

Everyone act cool while I call.

Hey, Gerald, I can French braid my own hair.

You want to see?

No.

Yeah, look, hi.

Please, no.

What? They're your friend.

No, y-you're scaring me.

Look. Look at us.

We're gonna go into a French braid.

(groaning)

(phone rings)

Aah! Who's calling?

If it's Mom or Dad, just play it cool.

Right. That's me. Super cool.

Belcher residence.

My father is pooping, my mom's in the shower, and she looks great.

Hello, son. Gene, son. Pal.

Oh, hi. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Gene. I'm Dad. It's Dad.

(quietly): Gene, Gene.

Don't mention the melon.

Everything's great here.

Nothing to mention.

No melons were thrown.

(Louise groans loudly)

(whispers): Bob, don't tell him we're high.

Listen, we may be a little high...

I mean late, getting home.

Uh, the taxes keep going.

Good job.

Okay, great!

Everything here is great.

Thanks for leaving me in charge.

Everything's good. Bye.

He totally knew I was stoned.

He totally knew we threw a melon.

Hey, Logan's gone.

See? I told you he'd give up.

We're good.

(phone rings)

Ugh, it's probably Dad again.

Let me handle this. Hello.

Logan: Hey, Louise.

What do you want, Logan?

I just wanted to tell you that I'm in your house.

Oh, yeah? I don't see you.

And why would you call me to tell me that?

'Cause I wanted to make it menacing, like in the movies, with the spooky music.

(singing spooky music)

Well, that's not menacing at all.

It's relaxing, actually.

Okay, but if I'm not in your house, then who's in your kitchen?

(thump)

(gasps)

Holy crap! Gene, Logan got in the house somehow.

What?!

Logan is in the house! Run!

Aah!

Ha-ha!

(both scream)

But you were...

I heard you.

Let's just say you left the window open, and let's just say that I'm really good at throwing shoes through windows, and let's just say that I'm also gonna need that shoe back.

And now I'm gonna take you to Pitts-burg.

Get it?

I get it. Pretty good.

Thanks.

Run!

Louise: Go, Gene! Go!

Casket delivery.

(grunts)

Hey!

Come on! We'll lose him at Lobsterfest.

But the festivities don't begin until 5:00 if you're VIP, or 6:00 if you have a general admission ticket, and 7:00 if you're only here to see the B-52s!

(panting)

Ooh, nice potholders!

Quick, quick, Gene, in there!

♪ Nothing lifts a pal up ♪
♪ Like a scallop ♪
♪ It's not selfish to love shellfish! ♪

Fantastic!

Let's run it one more time, and then we'll do the shrimp number.

Okay, Gene, I have a plan.

Great.

I have diarrhea.

Tina: Huh, that's weird.

Am I crazy, or is that spark we had gone?

♪ Is that spark we had gone? ♪
♪ I was once so sure, now I fear I was wrong. ♪

(singing quietly)

Tina?

Tina? Tina!

♪ ...I was wrong. ♪

Hmm?

You're mumbling.

And your pencil is just an eraser now.

I-I think you're done.

I don't know if I'm done, but I sure have a lot to think about.

What?!

(sighs): Ah.

Doesn't that feel good?

Tape fingers.

Please stop.

Gerald, can I do it to you?

Yes.

I like it.

There it is.

Look at that.

Linda, I was wrong about you.

I like you.

I like you, too, Gerald.

Even if your jokes aren't funny.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Oh. You don't like my jokes?

What? No!

I mean, yeah.

I mean, kind of.

I mean, no.

Linda.

But you always laugh at them.

Everyone laughs at them.

Because we like you.

Everyone likes you.

And it's not at all because you're their accountant and they're scared of being audited. Not at all.

(chuckles): I... uh, I actually like them.

I love them.

No, you don't, Bob.

Don't lie.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I always thought if accounting didn't work out, I could quit and do stand-up.

You-you could do bad stand-up.

That's really popular.

This is the worst day of my life.

I don't even feel like doing taxes.

No, no, you-you should do some.

It'll make you feel better.

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh, my God!

What is that?!

Did you guys hear that?!

That's the doorbell.

Who's here?

I'll go see. No! No!

(doorbell buzzes)

(quietly): Oh, crap.

That's my next client.

He probably wants me to do his taxes.

We got to hide.

Yes. Absolutely.

Great plan.

(doorbell buzzes)

We should build a fort with the cushions.

That way, even if he gets in, he won't see us.

Okay, but I'm still sad, so I want my own room in the fort to reflect and figure out where to go from here.

You absolutely deserve that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Where are you guys going?

We're about to rehearse.

Gene: Uh, there's a shrimp emergency in the ocean.

Wait a minute. Aren't you two a little shrimpy to be shrimps?

Louise: Don't you shrimp-shame me!

Okay, you guys need to take those costumes off immediately.

Louise!

(both yelling)

Run, Gene, run!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't get the tails dirty!

(both panting)

Did we lose him?

I think we lost him.

(gasps)

Great choice of hiding place, guys.

There's no way out.

Oh, God! I think I just bisqued my pants!

Well, well, well, looks like your nose just RSVP'd yes to my armpit.

No. No way, Logan. Just...

Just-just let us go!

Oh, I will.

After I've destroyed your sinuses forever.

Oh, no, no, I...

I, um... Aah!

Just stop trying to get away, Louise.

Let me give you the Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold.

It only takes a minute, but you'll remember it for the rest of your life!

No. Come on, no.

Are you... are you crying?

No! (sniffles)

(groans) Wait!

If you're gonna give anyone the Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold, it's gonna be me.

What was that, little fella?

Oh, my God!

I think I just said, if you are gonna give anyone the Reverse Norwegian Stink Hold, it's gonna be me!

Get out of my way.

No! I am very scared right now, but I'm not moving!

Gene, don't.

Okay, you asked for it.

(grunting)

Whiff it up, little man!

Whiff it up!

(Gene groaning)

Logan: Oh. Yeah. Oh.

(sighs)

Hey, Linda.

What?

I think I'm okay to go home now.

Plus, I mean, at some point, we just have to go home.

But we can't just leave Gerald like this.

You got to talk to him.

(sighs) Okay.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Bob.

Look, I'm... I-I make burgers, but I also do this little chalkboard with the burgers of the day, and I think they are... hilarious, but they probably aren't.

They're okay.

They're bad, but that's okay, because they make me laugh.

I do it for me, and you're a really good accountant, right?

I hope.

I'm pretty good.

So just keep on doing that.

Keep on accountin'.

But also, make your jokes, because you like them, okay?

But work on 'em. More.

Okay. Wait!

You guys can't leave.

What's gonna happen to me?

You're gonna be fine, Gerald.

You still have the fort.

Listen, this is very important.

Later tonight, when you aren't high anymore, we need you to finish and mail our taxes.

Can you describe them to me, Bob?

Oh, my God.

I'm just kidding.

(laughs)

Hey, she laughed.

She did!

Play us out with the tax-ophone?

(imitating saxophone music)

Tina: Ugh, it's so awkward.

Knowing he's back there, expecting me to look at him the way I've always looked at him.

It's not fair to him or to me.

I've got to show him my breakup eyes.

Like this.

Whoa, whoa, easy, Tina girl.

That was way too harsh.

No need to be mean.

I need to use my let-him-down-easy eyes.

Like this.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, here it goes.

He took that pretty well.

He's hurting, but he doesn't want to let it show.

That's Joe. (chuckles)

I'll never forget him.

How was it, Gene?

Was it bad?

It was painful.

Yeah?

And smelly.

Yeah.

But I've been through things that were more painful and more smelly.

Just not since my own birth.

Mmm!

Aah!

What's happening?!

Thanks for doing that.

You're a great large brother.

Anytime, shrimp.

Yeah, that was definitely our kids.

Why are they dressed as shrimps?

And why are they hugging?

Do they do that?

I didn't know they did that.

Ooh, hey, look at that.

Wow.

Right?

Tina: ♪ The briefest of glances can start the biggest romances ♪
♪ Our eyes were doing the dances and they were making advances ♪
♪ When our eyes met, I was like ♪
♪ Hey, now I bet that Joe could be the one ♪
♪ The briefest of glances can start the biggest romances ♪
♪ Our eyes were doing the dances and they were making advances ♪
♪ When our eyes met, I was like ♪
When our eyes met
♪ Hey, now I bet that Joe could be the one ♪
♪ Are you the one? ♪