06x18 - Secret Admiral-irer

Tina: Jimmy Jr., it's nice of you to walk me home from school today.

Uh, I'm walking home next to you.

We go in the same direction.

Hey, look at that cloud.

What does it look like to you?

Uh... I guess it's gonna rain?

You don't see two people holding hands?

And one of them might have glasses on?

Uh...

Forecast calls for palm-on-palm contact?

I don't see it, Tina.

I'm gonna go before my hair gets wet, though.

Bye.

‭Bye.

Wait for us! You're supposed to hold our hands when we cross the street!

Ollie: Oh, my God, a street!

Andy and Ollie: Yay!

(sighs)

Sorry, Tina.

Think I saw what you were trying to do there and, uh...

I read you loud and clear.

I don't get it.

I-I thought Jimmy Jr. and I were clicking.

I think that sometimes you think that things are romantic when they're, like, not.

I do?

It's like when we saw that dog attacking a squirrel and you thought they were "really connecting."

They were totally into each other.

Well, off to spend time with the elderly.

You mean Mom and Dad?

No, the Thundergirls are volunteering at a nursing home today. Gotta go.

Soak up their wisdom and sample their puddings!

♪ ♪

Tina?

‭That's me.

You're with Meryl, in the room at the end of the hallway.

She might enjoy it if you read to her because her eyesight is very poor.

So is mine.

That's why I wear these.

Hey, that can be our icebreaker.

‭Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Hi?

Meryl, I'm Tina.

Um, I was expecting someone older... and female.

Meryl's my great-aunt.

‭Oh.

Joel, who is that?

I'm Tina from the Thundergirls.

I'm here to spend a minimum of 45 minutes with you.

Maybe I could read to you?

Oh, you could read me my mail.

Sure!

They don't call me Tina "I can read your mail" Belcher for nothing.

(both laugh)

Can I get a different one?

Just kidding, j-just kidding.

(laughing): You'll be fine.

(both laugh awkwardly)

Well, I should get going.

Thanks again for the birthday check, Aunt Meryl.

(singsongy): Don't spend it all in one place.

(singsongy): I probably will, because it's only $25.

Joel visits me on his birthday.

And I always give him a birthday check.

My Aunt Gayle sent me a check, but I'm not allowed to cash it until she wins the lottery.

Oh, that's nice.

Should we get readin'?

"Congratulations!"

That's a good start.

Well...

‭Wait.

"You're eligible for a free trial gym membership."

Who's it from?

Pretty sure it's from a gym.

I don't know any Jims.

I know a Bert.

Is that what you were trying to say?

Why don't I put that one in the junk pile?

Mmm...

Hey, dude?

Who, me?

No. Him.

So, not me?

This burger?

It's phenomenal.

Thank you.

‭You like the coffee?

I made the coffee.

Coffee's good.

I've had peanut butter on a burger before.

I hated it.

It was terrible.

Oh. Uh... okay.

But, uh... you made it taste good.

Yeah, man.

Nice dish.

Thanks.

I'm-I'm... glad you like it.

I'm Lionel. Head chef at Fennel and Fog.

I'm Donny.

Head chef at Succulent.

Wow, I-I've heard of both of those restaurants.

Succulent!

I have a reservation there in four weeks at 5:15 p.m.

Don't have a date yet, but a lot can happen in four weeks.

Do you know if there are any female reservations for one around that time?

I'll... uh, I'll check on that for you.

Make me sound cool.

Should we bring everyone here tonight?

Oh, yeah!

Hey, can we bring everyone here tonight?

Um... who's everyone?

Some of our chef buddies, some of our prep chefs, sous chefs...

We gotta blow off steam after work. You know.

Oh, yeah.

Bubble bath, glass of wine, cookie dough...

Paint just one fingernail, see what it looks like...

Can we come by around midnight?

Uh, w-we close at 7:00.

Oh, that's no problem.

Open back up. ‭Um...

You're gonna have a bunch of fellow chefs in here going crazy for your crazy good food.

I guess midnight isn't that late... and, you know, I'm usually up around then.

Yeah, to pee.

To pee... and-and to party.

That's my guy.

Sure, I'll open back up tonight.

Well, count me out.

I got a date with Mr. Pillow, Mr. Mouth Guard and my reoccurring dream about meeting Tyra Banks.

She never remembers me, but she's nice.

Tina: "Spicy Tuna Roll: "$16.

Caterpillar Roll: $14."

That's less expensive than the last menu.

Oh. (laughs)

I fell asleep.

Start over, will you?

That's... um...

I'll just read this last one.

Hey, it's handwritten.

"Dear Meryl, I know this might come as something of a surprise and you may not remember me, but I remember you. I saw you at the USO dance at Morris Hall almost 60 years ago."

Oh, I remember that dance.

A lot of handsome sailors at Morris Hall that night.

Handsome sailors.

Yeah.

‭Nice.

"You were wearing a blue dress and pearls and you looked like an angel." Aw!

"I wanted to ask you to dance, but I was too shy.

And then the dance ended and I never saw you again."

Oh, no!

Oh, my.

"Now, I'm a retired navy admiral and I have lived a full life. But I have one regret.

I regret that I didn't ask you to dance that night." Whoa.

Whoa. ‭"I find myself thinking about the old days and what could have been, so I decided to look you up and reach out. I pray this letter finds you well.

Take care, Admiral Peter Wilcox."

Wow, Meryl.

Wait, is this the sushi restaurant?

What? No, it's retired Navy Admiral Peter Wilcox!

Do you want me to help you write him back?

Oh, I don't think I should write him back.

I-I'm too old for... lovey-dovey stuff.

That's not true! You're never too old for romance!

Oh, no, no, no.

I have a full life.

We have movie night every Tuesday.

But you could bring a date to movie night.

Oh, that's not how movie night works.

Have you ever been to movie night?

No.

‭Yeah, it shows.

But what if it's destiny?

What if Admiral Peter Wilcox is your true love?

Don't you want to find out?

Read me the letter again.

No, no, no, no, don't.

Read me the menu from the Chinese restaurant again.

Okay. But I just feel like...

Bup, bup, bup.

‭Fine.

"Beef with broccoli: $4.95..."

Bob, stop watching TV and go to bed.

You have to get up and cook at midnight.

You're gonna be exhausted if you don't get some sleep.

Yeah, Dad, go to your room.

I'm fine, Lin.

I can stay up until midnight.

And don't forget, these guys have to work in the morning, too.

Okay.

Gene, Louise, almost bedtime for you guys.

Two-minute warning.

Wait. I thought Dad had to go bed, not us.

If Dad has to go bed, then we can stay up.

It's opposite night!

No, it's not.

So you agree. It is.

No. Yes.

No, wait. Okay.

If it's opposite night, then you don't have to go to bed.

You just said it's opposite night, which means it's not opposite night, which means we don't have to go to bed, right?

Oh, God.

Wait. Hold on.

Lin, you're letting them do this to you again.

No. No, Bob, I can do it.

I need a pencil and paper, and nobody talk.

So everybody talk?

Louise and Gene: Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...

Shush, shush!

Stop it!

Come on, Tina.

It's bedtime soon.

It's not opposite night, no matter what anybody says.

Okay. I just have to finish this letter and mail it.

What letter?

Oh, it's, uh... it's for Thundergirls.

To get my... letter-mailing patch.

Ah, so specific!

Okay, hurry up.

(exhales)

"Admiral Peter, I was so thrilled to hear from you. I remember that night like it was yesterday. You were so dashing in your uniform. How was the navy? Did you eat a lot of navy beans? LOL. Anyway, I want you to know that I'm not too old for romance. Let's be friends. Or maybe more. Like boyfriend/girlfriend. Anyway, take care. XOXO, Meryl."

Ah! Paper cut!

Linda: What? ‭I'm okay.

Whoa.

Bobby?

Where the hell is he?

Someone check the kitchen.

Gene: Aah!

I think somebody cooked Dad!

Oh, no!

(Bob groans) Did you hear that?

He's over here.

(groans) ‭Bob. Are you okay?

Who did this to you?

Who did this to you?!

What time is it?

‭lt's 8:00.

I must have passed out.

After Taj and I made goat massaman curry.

Who's Taj?

He's a friend of Lionel's.

(groans)

What the hell happened?

Well, it started with me making a bunch of burgers for about 15 restaurant people.

Then we drank a lot of wine, and then Taj brought a whole goat, and then we drank some grain alcohol from Iceland.

Bjork's hard lemonade?

Poor Bob.

I guess you can rest up tonight.

I can't rest tonight.

I'm meeting them at Lionel's.

At midnight.

What?

It was fun, Lin.

Last night.

I-I think I found my people.

(groans)

All right, I'll be right back.

I-I just have to throw up a little bit.

All right, kids, come on, start cleaning up.

Why?

We didn't do this!

Yeah, the party machine did.

Yeah, well, it's opposite-mess- you-gotta-clean-up day, so hop on it.

Let's go.

Hey, if you write a letter and sign someone else's name, is that a federal offense?

I'm asking for a friend.

A cool friend you'd really like.

Did you forge a letter, Tina?

No! What? What do you mean?

Why would you even say that...

Okay, fine. I did.

But don't tell Meryl.

Wait. Who's Meryl?

I think that's an expression.

Like, "I just farted.

Don't tell Meryl."

Meryl's my old lady friend at the nursing home.

She got a beautiful, romantic letter from a retired navy admiral.

She didn't want to write him back, so I kind of wrote him back for her.

Tina, Tina, Tina...

Romancing the bones, huh?

Bones that don't want to be romanced?

Bones that just want to be left alones?

I know what I'm doing!

I think.

Gene: There's another goat over here!

No, wait, it's a cat.

No, wait, it's somebody's jacket.

♪ ♪

Tina, it's been nice having you visit me so often.

If you're lonely, you know, you could get a pet.

‭Yeah.

Finally!

The mail!

I mean, thanks.

(gasps) He wrote back!

Meryl, I have a confession to make.

Last week, when the admiral wrote you a letter and you didn't want to write him back... Yeah?

I kind of wrote him back for you... and signed your name instead of mine.

Tina.

Just listen to what he wrote.

"I'm so happy you wrote back. Let's go back in time and recreate the night of the dance."

Oh...

‭Romantic!

Ah...

"You wear your dress and pearls and I'll wear my navy whites and we'll pretend it's 60 years ago."

Oh.

"And this time, when the music plays, I won't lose my nerve."

Oh, my.

That gave me goose bumps.

Is that what this is?

I don't know, it's hard to tell.

It might be shingles.

What should I do?

About the shingles or about the date?

The date! The date!

Oh, do you have a blue dress?

I think so.

And I still have my pearls.

They're in a storage unit.

I thought I'd never need them again.

I can get them for you. So?

Should we write the admiral and make a date for a dance?

Yes! I can't believe this is happening.

I feel like a schoolgirl!

‭Me, too!

I mean, I am a schoolgirl.

But Yay!

‭Yay!

So pretty.

I wish I were a 90-year-old going to a dance.

Okay, Mom, that's enough pearl time.

Give 'em back.

Yeah, it's my turn.

Again?

I helped Tina find them, I earned double pearl time.

But I drove you to Meryl's storage unit.

Hmm.


Uh, hi, can I ask a question?

Why does pearl time have to happen in here while I'm trying to take a nap?

Why are you taking a nap during pearl time?

Yeah.

‭No, no, it's okay.

Let's clear out, kids.

Your father needs a disco nap so he can go party with his chef friends.

That's not all we do, Lin, we talk shop.

It's like a chef roundtable that happens at a round table at a restaurant where they sell a lot of alcohol.

An alcohol restaurant.

You're an amazing role model, Dad.

Thanks, Louise.

Meryl, I brought the Glam Squad.

Louise, plug in the curlers.

A "please" would be nice.

Gene, plug in the tunes.

I hope you like reggae.

Let's take Meryl from senior to have-you-seen-her?

(shudders)

Just a little more blush.

Little more.

Okay, maybe a little less.

(grunts)

Hi, Aunt Meryl.

What's going on in here?

Joel!

Did we have a visit today?

Yeah, we did, it's my birthday.

Oh, of course.

Let me get my checkbook.

Wait, Joel, I thought your birthday was last week.

Well, you're wrong.

My birthday is today.

Right, Aunt Meryl?

Joel visits every year on his birthday.

Hmm.

Sounds like, at the rate you're having birthdays, pretty soon you're gonna be older than Meryl.

Uh... can I have a word with my aunt in private?

I want to talk about nephew stuff.

Joel puts the "ew" in "nephew."

Yeah, and also the "eh."

Oh, hey, Joel.

We weren't just talking about you.

Same here.

Happy birthday.

But not today because it's not your birthday today.

Unless it is and last week wasn't.

Um...

‭Nailed you.

Now, what should we do with your hair?

Lady mullet.

I used to wear it up.

Boo.

Tina, question.

Where are the pearls?

On the dresser.

Not anymore.

Tina (gasps): The pearls.

They're gone.

(gasps) Joel!

(grunts) Joel will never be able to pull those off.

I got a call from a Meryl Winters about stolen pearls.

Uh, one moment, Sergeant Bosco.

Hey, Meryl, we'll be just a sec.

Nothing happening out here.

Heh.

No problem, I'm happy to have some alone time.

Sergeant Bosco, we called you.

Meryl has no idea her pearls were stolen.

Because you kids stole them?

What? No.

Her nephew Joel stole them.

But she doesn't know that either.

She can't know any of this until after tonight.

We have a big date with a retired navy admiral.

Okay, so Joel the nephew stole the pearls on the night of the big date with the retired navy admiral.

Let me just close my notebook here.

Don't waste my time.

(kids grunting)

I'm a real policeman.

It's true, there really are stolen pearls.

(quietly): But we need to keep it a secret.

I've got a secret for you.

I'm leaving.

That's not how secrets work!

I'll let you know if anything turns up in the process of my exhaustive investigation.

Hello, Mother.

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Meryl: Tina, you okay?

Yep, I was just saying, "Damn it, this dance is gonna be damn great. Damn it!"

Here you go.

Burger of the Day, Teddy.

Uh... what is it?

Well, it's an open-faced burger with ketchup gel and emulsified cheese.

Where's the bun?

It's on the bottom.

Why would you put it on the bottom?

It's supposed to be on the top, eh.

Because it's a new presentation, Teddy.

Where's the lettuce?

It's under the foam.

What, am I supposed to wash my hands in this?

Gross.

‭(sighs)

Taj and I came up with it last night.

It sounded good when we were talking about it, but I realized today it takes me an hour to make.

Eh, a little more.

While we're on the subject of being a little "eh," what's with the coat?

His friend Lionel gave it to him.

The jacket looks good, but you, on the other hand, ugh.

(sighs)

Yeah, I don't feel so great.

I mean, last night was pretty crazy.

Lionel wanted to go to the fish market to get first pick of the line-caught swordfish, but we never made it 'cause we kept stopping off for drinks.

Geez, Bob, you're really burning the candle at both ends.

You can't keep this up, Bob.

I know you think these are your people, but you're old enough to be their not very cool uncle.

Well, I'm pretty sure we're all staying in tonight.

I mean, we got to take a break at some point.

Ugh, Lionel wants to meet a restaurant in Little Romania tonight.

I'm not gonna go.

He says I'm going.

I guess I'm going.

But I-I'm not gonna drink.

"We're all drinking tsuica."

It's Romanian schnapps apparently.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was nice knowing you, Bob.

I'll take good care of Linda and the kids for you.

Thanks, Teddy.

You need any help with your dress, Meryl?

I'm okay.

I don't remember...

(muffled): being a turtleneck.

You have your head through the arm hole.

But other than that, you look great.

So what do we do about the necklace?

Look, chalky white mints.

They're not that good.

Avoid.

No, if we get some dental floss and some glue, we'll have some pearls.

Some fresh smelling pearls.

So we're not gonna tell her that her nephew stole her necklace.

Later, after the dance.

We'll break it to her then, and she'll be so in love with the admiral, that she won't even care that her nephew's a thief.

I just know it.

The admiral.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

There is no admiral.

What?

‭What?

Joel comes every week and gets a $25 birthday check, but he wants more.

And he knows Aunt Meryl has pearls, but he doesn't know where she keeps them.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Nodding along but confused.

Joel creates the admiral and this romantic dance baloney so she'll take her pearls out from wherever she's storing them, and once they're here, they're easy to swipe.

Joel sent that letter, don't you see?

No, it can't be.

Come on, Tina, Joel shows up on the exact same day the admiral's supposed to come?

Isn't that a little coincidental?

"You wear your dress and pearls, and I'll wear my navy whites."

Whites. Whites.

And I still have my pearls.

They're in a storage unit.

Unit. Unit.

Can I have a word with my aunt in private?

(voice slowing down): Private. Private.

Oh, my God.

When you replied to "the admiral," you set this whole thing in motion.

Sorry, T, this romance is a "faux-mance."

Huh, huh, huh, huh.

Tina, are you okay?

Meryl, we have something to tell you.

I have something to tell you, too.

I haven't had anything to look forward to in quite some time.

They're not as "handsy-outsy" with the meds as they used to be around here.

But tonight I have something to look forward to.

Thanks to you, Tina.

I'm Gene.

‭Where's Tina?

I'm over here.

Tina, move your arms around.

It'll help me see.

(grunts)

There you are, my magnificent matchmaker.

Uh...

Uh, Meryl, will you excuse us for a second?

Okay.

You guys, the admiral might not be real, but Meryl's dance can be.

Huh?

This can still work.

We just need an admiral.

So her nephew fooled her and now we're gonna fool her, too?

But we're fooling her for love, not for money.

I'll tell her the truth after the dance.

Well, that won't be a totally awkward conversation.

Meryl, get ready because the admiral is on his way.

(whispering): After we find an admiral.

And after we find more mints.

This hat was once a Tom Skerritt in Top Gun Halloween costume and now look at it.

Hmm.

I think this is gonna work.

He's starting to look like a real admiral, sort of.

(groans)

‭And we found a good use (muttering) ‭for your super special chef jacket.

This is such, such a bad idea.

Shh.

It's all a dream.

Go back to sleep.

(whispering): He's weak, he can't stop us.

Keep taping.

I got to sit down.

You are sitting down, Dad.

Oh, my God.

So you think Meryl won't notice this cheese on your father's shoulders?

Her eyesight is really bad.

So you think she won't notice there's a little bite out of it?

Mom, don't eat the shoulder cheese.

Aw.

(groans) I really need a nap.

Damn it, sailor, you can nap after you've given Meryl a night of romance.

That means a smooch, too, if she wants it.

Gene.

‭Mm.

Okay, Meryl, you ready?

I think so.

You look great, and your pearls have never looked more real.

Thank you.

Hit it, Gene.

(big band music playing)

Oh.

Um...

Hello, Meryl.

I'm Peter, uh... retired Admiral of the Navy.

Peter, hi.

Good evening, Admiral.

You look as beautiful as I remember.

You look official.

May I have this dance?

I'd be honored.

Tina: It's working.

Aw, they look so cute together.

Louise: I hope they have weird, old babies.

Aw, weird, old babies.

♪ ♪

Is that cheese?

‭Oh. Yeah.

I was, uh, given... the cheese by the Swiss Navy.

What's... happening to your uniform?

It's, um... it's old.

Oh, no.

You tried, T.

(sighs) I got to tell her.

Man: Meryl?

♪ ♪

What the hell?

Who's that?

The male nurses here really dress up.

Who are you?

It's me, Admiral Peter Wilcox.

Huh? ‭Huh?

‭What?!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, the admiral's real.

But who are you?

‭Oh, uh, I guess I'm not Admiral Peter Wilcox.

I'm, um, Admiral William... P-Peacocks.

Wh-What a mix-up.

Dismissed!

Dismissed!

Oh. Right. Uh...

Excuse me.

Admiral.

Admiral?

Meryl, may I finally have this dance?

Uh... y-yes.

That other one was too old for me, I think.

And soft. I mean, I like Jell-O, but I don't want to dance with it.

I don't get it.

The admiral is real?

I guess I was right about all this romance stuff.

I knew it!

I mean, I doubted it, but before that, I knew it.

All right, maybe the admiral is real, but Joel still took the pearls.

That's not romantic, that's cold-blooded.

(snoring)

Louise: Oh, my God, the pearls!

Whoa. Meryl had the pearls in her purse.

They weren't stolen at all.

Hey, you were wrong about everything, Louise.

(laughs): Okay, that's not how I'd put it.

Hooray for romance!

True love does exist.

Remind me to tell Jimmy Jr. that true love exists.

Oh, you're gonna make his day.

Hey, should we call Sergeant Bosco and let him know we found the pearls?

Nah. I'm sure he's totally forgotten about this case.

Bosco: Joel Glassman?

Yes?

Sergeant Bosco. Robbery.

Oh, my God! Is this about the birthday checks?

I swear to God I'll stop.

I'll rip up the check.

I-I'll give her all the money back!

I... Oh, my God!

(yelling)

Stop crying.

Stop crying.

I-I'm not crying!

Stop crying.

‭I'm not crying!

Lionel and Donny: Bob! Bob!

Bob! Bob!

What the hell is that?

(gasps)

It's them! Turn off the TV!

Okay, okay, okay.

Get on the floor. Get down.

We know you're up there!

We saw you turn off the TV!

Lionel: Make us a burger!

They won't stop.

They're never gonna stop.

(whispers): I'm so scared.

All right, calm down, calm down.

How about this?

I'll tell them you died.

Great idea. Thank you.

Love you.

He's dead! Go away! He's dead!