04x08 - Christmas in a Car

♪ Hang the ball and the ball goes over there ♪
♪ And this goes over there ♪
♪ And da-da-da-da-da... ♪

Oh, everybody, look at the tree.

Aw, I love this tree.

It's the day after Halloween, Lin.

Don't you think we might have gotten the tree a little early?

Oh, put some mistletoe on my butt and kiss it, Bobby.

Okay.

Yeah, Dad.

Stop ruining Halloween by not celebrating Christmas.

Aw... bye, tree.

You had a good life.

That's how I want to go out, dehydrated and covered in tinsel.

Sounds like a gay pride parade.

Mm-hmm.

Everybody, look at the tree.

Aw, I love our new tree.

Look. (laughs)

It's the day after Thanksgiving, Lin.

I'm not looking at it till tomorrow.

It seems like just yesterday it was Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God.

It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead.

What are we gonna do, Bobby?

I don't know, but we have to get this out of the house; It caught on fire twice.

I guess we're just not going to have a tree on Christmas this year.

What?!

Not-not-not-not-not have a tree on... on Christmas?!

Where are the presents gonna go if there's no tree?

We want a divorce!

Thank you, bye.

Everyone just calm down, okay?

There is a tree lot about an hour away.

And the guy said we could have the pick of the runts!

Right?

Lin, you want to drive an hour away and get another tree?

What-what about our Christmas Eve dinner?

I have a ham in the oven.

You have to fart? No, Tina.

A real ham is currently in our oven.

Just bring it.

Everyone loves rare ham. No, Gene.

Bob, put the oven on low.

We'll be back before you can say Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, and Nixon.

Well, we'd better be back fast.

Tonight's the night we finally catch Santa Claus.

We've been planning this for months.

You're gonna catch Santa?

Yup.

We built a Santa trap.

All right, but if you catch him, he's your responsibility.

I'm not cleaning up after Santa.

Dj: Hey, this is David Dazzle, I'll be your pilot for tonight.

I'm playing all your Christmas's favorites and some songs no one likes.

Family road trip!

(whoops)

We're going to get a Christmas tree, all right!

Again.

Oh, Bobby.

Stop being such a lump of coal.

This is what the holidays are all about.

We're together, there's Christmas music on the radio.

Oh, give me the phone!

I want to request "Jingle in the Jungle."

"Jingle in the Jungle"?

That sounds like a terrible Christmas song.

Maybe you're not ready.

"Jingle in the Jungle" pushes the limits.

Step on it, Dad!

We have a date with a fat old man.

We're chubby chasers.

Tina, that's...

Don't say that, that's not ni-nice to say.

Fat fetishists?

Kids, tickle your father.

He's being a big bah hum-booger!

Get him. No, don't...

Get him! Get him!

Don't tickle me now, I'm driving.

No, kids... ♪ I'm gonna tickle your mustache ♪

All right, kids, cut it out! ♪

I'm gonna tickle your mustache. ♪

I-I got armpits! Armpits!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm driving!

You don't tickle the driver! Oh!

You're not driving very well.

Bob: Whose hand is that?

I can't see.

Gene: I just want to use the windshield wipers for a second.

Bob: Lin, get the kids off me!

Linda: It's Christmas!

Bob: Are these even Christmas trees?

Aw. They're all so skinny and sick-looking.

Can you turn that one around, please?

Mom wants to see its tree butt.

Everybody's got their thing.

I'm more of a branch man. Mmm.

Okay, well, you guys decide on which scrawny tree to buy.

We're going to go over there and practice our Santa containment strategies.

I assume he knows jujitsu...

Uh, can I come?

Your mom's gonna be at least another half hour here.

Uh, you're not part of the plan, Dad.

Well, I could help.

I'm bigger than you.

Yeah, but you're weak.

Santa would drop you.

And that would kill me.

I could take Santa. Okay, Dad.

Hey, Tina, thanks for helping Louise beat up Santa.

She really believes... she can catch him.

Yeah.

It's so nice that she still believes... in this mission.

It's weird, right?

Isn't nine a little old to, uh... believe that?

To what...

Believe what?

That...

What... um...

In the mission? (stammers) Okay.

Forget it.

Never mind.

Good talking to you.

Good talking to you, Dad.

Finally, a truck you're allowed to lick.

Louise: Gene!

Focus!

Okay, let's go through this again.

We'll pretend the Porta Potti is the tree and Santa's on his way to deliver presents.

Gene, you be Santa.

Phase one.

Santa passes right by the kitchen where he sees cookies!

These rocks are the cookies.

Num num num num num.

Phase two.

Santa finds a note that says "Milk in the fridge."

I'm thirsty!

Phase three!

When he opens the fridge and grabs the glass of milk... Bam!

His wrist is stuck in a zip tie! Aah!

That's when I jump out and wrap myself around his ankles.

(grunts)

Then Tina jumps on his back and makes Kringle crumble.

Aah!

I'll gouge out his eyes and pull on his beard!

Aah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We want him alive, T.

Sorry, I got carried away.

I'm glad we practiced.

Bob: Kids, help me out.

I can't see. Am I good?

Yeah, you're good.

You're very good.

(horn honks)

I thought you said I was good!

How could you guys not see that giant candy cane truck?

We see it.

We just don't make a big deal out of it.

(horn blaring)

Great, I'm not getting traction.

I thought we were gonna get snow tires.

That was gonna be my Christmas present to you. Aw...

Because I wasn't expecting to be out in the snow, buying a Christmas tree the night before Christmas.

(horn blares)

Hey! Jackass!

We're having a Christmas moment here, all right?

Lin, just stop.

Bob, let me handle this.

(honking to tune)

♪ Jing-le bells ♪
♪ Jing-le bells ♪
♪ Jin-gle all the way Lin. What? ♪

I'm doing "Jingle Bells."

(honking) He's just hearing honking.

Now, stop. Come on, kids.

Sing along!

(honking to tune)

♪ Jing-le bells ♪
♪ Jing-le all the way ♪

Gene: ♪ Jingle all the bells ♪

Louise: Jingle, jingle, jingle.

Linda: Ooh, there we go.

Bob: Everybody stop jingling.

How long does the normal person stay on hold?

Four hours?

Oh, great.

This guy again. I guess he's not in a hurry anymore.

Maybe the speed limit is seven.

You know, I'm gonna pass him.

You can't be serious.

Is he speeding up?

What's this guy's problem?

Linda: So... you guys excited to decorate the tree?

I don't know if we should put any ornaments on it, Mom.

It looked pretty fragile. What?

Gene: Yeah, somebody give that tree a sandwich!

And a bowl of soup.

Oh, my God.

Aw, be nice to the tree.

Louise: It is December, Mom.

Shouldn't you be decorating for the Fourth of July?

Stop speeding up!

Let me in!

Bob, who you talking to?

(horn blares, screaming)

Oh, my God!

That was close!

You almost drove us right into that snow plow, Bobby!

Good thing you don't have any children in the backseat.

It wasn't my fault!

That trucker is driving like a lunatic.

More like you are. No. It was him.

I just want to get away from him.

Now he's right on my ass.

This guy's trying to kill us!

I'm gonna pull off the road right there.

(tires screeching)

(screaming)

Yes!

(tires screeching)

(screaming)

Linda: Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke!

(gagging)

Huh... is everybody okay?

I'm fine.

I'm great!

I didn't pee my pants.

Good, Gene.

Why wasn't I scared?

Wait, that was terrifying.

Now I have to pee!

Okay, uh.... just go pee outside. No!

It will freeze up and go up inside my body!

What the hell was that, Bobby?

You trying to get us killed?

Me?

That trucker just ran us off the road, Lin!

Gene: The pee is winning.

Gene, just hold it.

Okay, so every time somebody tailgates you, you drive off the road?

That wasn't tailgating, that was intimidation!

By an adorable candy cane truck.

Urination begins in three, two...

Gene, Gene.

We'll take you to pee in that diner.

Hurry up. We need to get back on the road.

It might take a minute.

My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, "Sure thing."

(gasps)

Oh, Bobby!

They make Dutch Babies here!

Let's order one!

What's a Dutch Baby?

About $2,000 less than an American baby?

No, it's their world-famous high-rise pancake.

It says it takes 25 minutes to make We don't have time.

I have a ham in the oven, remember?

Just fart, Dad.

It's okay.

Tina, stop.

You almost ran our family off the road, remember?

We're getting a Dutch Baby for dessert.

We'll get it to go.

Dutch Baby, please.

But the ham will dry out.

You could call Teddy.

He's got a spare key.

I bet you he'd turn off the oven.

Sure thing, Bobby.

I was gonna watch church on TV but I can just DVR it.

Well, we just need you to turn off the oven.

That's all, Teddy.

Ooh. Uh...

I'm not really much of a cook.

I don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

(sighs) As you probably know.

It's not hard, Teddy. You just turn the knob... Whoa, whoa.

Slow down, Bob.

Let me get a pen.

You don't need a pen, Teddy.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You just need to turn the knob to "off."

Turn the knob to...?

Go.

Off.

Off.

Okay.

O-F...

Oh, my God.

This thing's not working.

Why is it you always... you never have one that works when you...

Hold on. Just go to our house and turn off the oven! Okay.

Bob, did you get my Christmas card?

Teddy, I gotta go.

Bobby, did you get the Christmas card?

Not yet. Can't wait.

Not everyone got 'em. Bye!

Oh, they got a pecan pie.

Should we get a pie while we wait?

Do I look different?

I feel different.

Whoo... ha...

Phone.

Gimme the phone.

Why? I want to get back on hold.

It's the only place I know who I am anymore. Hmm.

Uh, excuse me, Officer.

Hi.

Over here.

Uh, yes.

Um... I would like to report a crime.

I was just run off the road by a truck shaped like a giant candy cane.

Do you want to maybe write that down or call it in?

Hello?

Are you injured in any way?

Um... no.

Was there any damage to your vehicle?

No.

So, what, was he mean to you?

A truck driver was mean to you?

Oh, snap!

Louise, stop.

Why do they call you "the fuzz"?

Is it because of your head? Gene.

Sorry, don't listen to them, Officer.

But maybe listen to me?

Because it doesn't seem like you're doing that.

Sir, I am trying to enjoy my Dutch Baby.

Looks good.

Listen, there's a very dangerous man out there driving around in a huge candy cane.

I'm gonna need you to slide back down into your booth.

Officer, you just gotta listen to me!

Sorry about that.

Did you just hit that waitress?

No.

Yes, you did.

I mean, yes, I did, but it was a mistake.

Why would you hit someone on Christmas?

It's 'cause this guy wasn't listening to me.

Well, maybe if you slap more waitresses, I'll get right on it.

Fine.

Linda, kids.

We're leaving.

No more Dutch Babies!

No!

I think that's a good idea.

Let's go.

My Baby hasn't been delivered yet.

Lin, come on!

Oh, look, it came out in 22 minutes!

Oh, it's a preemie just like Jesus.

Teddy: Hello?

Anybody home?

I know there's not, but I have manners.

Mmm. That ham smells good.

Wish my place smelled this hammy.

Bob's really got it all.

Oh, it's just a dial.

Why did Bob make it so complicated?

Hey, there's my Christmas card.

Bob didn't open it.

What's he waiting for, actual Christmas?

Hello, cookies.

I'll accept a tip.

Tree or a reindeer?

Ah, they probably taste the same.

Or maybe they don't.

Maybe I find out.

Who knows?

I need some milk. Mmm.

"The milk is in the fridge."

Okay.

"To reach milk, place your hand through Christmas wrist wreath."

That sounds fun.

Oh! Oh!

(grunting)

What's going on?!

Aah! Oh!

Oh, man!

(grunting)

Ooh, pickles.

Linda: Ah, hope you're happy, Bobby.

You almost got this family arrested.

You know, the only reason we're even driving around on Christmas Eve, Lin, is because you bought a tree on November 1!

(scoffs)

Your negative attitude is what probably killed our tree.

Both of you, shush!

We got to get home!

Santa's not gonna kidnap himself.

It's the one thing he can't do.

Oh, my God. Is that him?

It's the candy cane truck!

Oh, here we go.

Bob and his truck, everybody.

(engine revs)

Why is he in the middle of the road?

Why is he coming so fast?

Bobby!

Bobby!

(all screaming)

Oh, my God!

Bob, that candy cane truck is trying to kill us!

That's what I've been saying!

We don't listen to you!

Oh, my Dutch Baby!

Get it out from under the pedals, Lin!

You're mushing it, Bobby!

You're killing her!

So you believe me now?

Oh, I'm so sorry I doubted you, Bobby.

I thought it was like that time you said you flushed but I know you didn't.

I flushed.

I saw what I saw!

I still see it when I close my eyes.

Look, we don't have time for this.

We have to call the police.

Gene, give your mom the phone!

I can't. I'm on hold with the radio station!

You've been on hold with them this whole time?

"Jingle in the Jungle" is an American classic.

You'll thank me when you hear it.

Give her the phone!

The battery's dead!

Damn it, Gene!

All batteries die, but this one truly lived.

Hang on, everybody!

Whoa!

(all yell)

What are you doing?!

I thought the car would spin all the way around like in the movies!

Oh, we can't shake this guy!

I'm gonna go down that little road.

(tires screech)


(truck beeping)

Bobby, do something.

He's coming back!

This guy's crazy!

I'll pull the car in there and shut off the lights.

Maybe he won't see us in the trees.

Everybody stay still and be very quiet.

Can I just say one thing?

No, Gene.

I think I have the best legs in the family.

And the smoothest bottom.

Okay, no more talking.

Mom? Dad?

Oh, my God.

I just wanted to let you know.

I was the one who didn't flush.

It's okay, sweetheart.

That was impressive though.

It looked just like your father's.

That's what I was going for.

Can everybody just please stop talking?

Now I know what the Von Trapps felt like.

Dad?

What?

Where do babies come from?

You all come from my v*g1n*.

I knew it.

You owe me ten dollars, Tina.

Everybody stop.

He's right there.

He's right there.

Tina: Can he see us?

Bob: I don't know.

(truck beeping)

I think he's leaving.

He's gone. Yay!

All right. Yes!

Nobody is saying it so I'll just say it.

I saved all of our lives.

Merry Christmas.

Come on, let's go home!

We're gonna... time to do the tree.

Oh, no.

No! No! No!

What?

What happened?

What happened?

No, no, no, no, no!

We're stuck.

Nobody's saying it so I'll just say it.

Dad ruined Christmas.

(humming a tune)

It's like a disco.

(continues humming)

(all groaning)

It's working!

Oh, God!

Aah!

Come on, come on, we can do it.

We couldn't do it.

I told you we should drive a motorcycle with four side cars.

Then we would never be in this mess!

What are we gonna do, Bobby?

We got to get out of here.

I nominate Tina to walk for help.

Just to be nominated is an honor.

Don't worry.

We'll figure something out.

We're not missing Christmas.

I promise.

Dj: Hey look at that, it's just past midnight.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, Radio DJ.

Hey, no one's called in for this one tonight, but I'm playing it anyway.

Here's "Jingle in the Jungle."

Yay! Christmas miracle!

Bob: I wasn't expecting so much bongo.

I like it.

You know what?

Who needs a nice cozy, warm, comfortable home?

We can have our own Christmas right here in the car.

Yeah, until it runs out of gas and we freeze to death.

Yeah.

It's like we're a family of cops, staking out that bush.

That's a dumb place to keep bowls.

And all was right with the world, and... Ah!

Look what the wise men bought from the auto parts store.

Let's all sing "Silent Night."

(clears throat)

♪ Silent ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ Holy... ♪

Crap! Truck!

Bobby, we got to get out of here!

It's still not working!

Okay, everybody just stay calm.

We're safe here in the car.

I have a plan... let's all get out of the car and run in different directions.

He'll only catch the slowest one.

Gene, you're the slowest one!

Aah! I'm the slowest one!

Kids, no, get back here!

Maybe it's a different candy cane truck?

Bob: Oh, my God.

This is it. We're trapped.

Kids, get in the car now.

Lock the doors.

Oh, thank God.

Dad's on it.

The handler's got it covered, guys!

Relax!

Bob, be careful.

Tell him you had asthma when you were a boy.

And you have bad night vision.

Listen, uh, sir.

Whatever it is you want, we're just trying to get home for Christmas.

Can we just talk this out?

Oh, you look like that.

Um, okay.

Uh, you seem like a small, reasonable guy.

If this is about earlier, I'm sorry I cut you off.

I don't want to point fingers, but it was my kids' fault.

Yeah, Dad. Great.

For Christmas I really wanted you to throw us under the bus.

Let's do this!

Me and you.

It's go time! Aah!

Just take my coat off.

Bob (laughs): N-No.

I'll fight him, punk!

Come on, punk!

Lin, stay in the car.

Listen, this is crazy.

I mean, why are you so angry?

Just because I cut you off?

You also kept honking at me.

Repeatedly.

It was "Jingle Bells."

You don't know "Jingle Bells"?

(stammers)

Put 'em up, snowflake.

Oh, we're gonna dance.

Are you shivering?

You should put your jacket back on.

Oh, I-I... I'm fine.

(shudders)

Look, how about this?

My car is stuck in the snow.

If you can...

(shuddering)

You're really shivering.

(whimpering)

If you could just help us pull it out 'cause you have a big truck...

I'm about to bang your ass and you're asking me for help?

"Bang my ass"?

Yeah, bang your ass!

Okay, I mean, you mean... Okay.

I-I've never heard it said that way.

What? Bang?

You mean, beat me up.

You know, I think I meant kick.

I'm pretty...

I think I meant kick.

It was like halfway out of my mouth and I went, "Ooh, that could be taken the wrong way."

Come on! Let's go!

Let's go! Well, it...

All right, I-I... Look.

I'll tell you what, if you pull our car out of the snow, I-I'll-I'll let you punch me in the stomach.

Bobby! Psst.

You're gonna let this guy hit you?

He's just a sad, little guy, Lin.

I-I don't think it's gonna hurt.

I'll just act like it does.

Do your girl scream.

What girl scream?

I think she means your regular scream.

And then do your girl walk.

Girl walk?

I don't have a girl walk.

Yeah, you do this like...

(grunting)

I don't do that.

Mmm, agree to disagree.

Look, I think this guy's having a worse Christmas than us.

He seems like he really needs this.

Aw, that's the holiday spirit, Bobby.

(groans)

So cold.

And crisp.

I guess I'm near the crisper.

I'm not gonna last much longer...

Maybe I can get to the knives on the counter.

I could cut my way out.

Teddy, you got to try.

(grunts)

Just pretend you're moving a fridge for Bob.

So, Bobby, you got a new fridge, huh?

What else is new with you?

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no...

(groans)

Now I'm gonna die looking at Gene's finger painting.

What is that even supposed to be?

So, do we have a deal?

I want to punch your stupid face!

No, just the stomach.

How about I kick you in the neck?

Look, you get one punch to the stomach, and then you get us out of here.

Fine, but I need to borrow your jacket.

Look, let's just get this over with.

(yells)

(sighs)

Christmas is just a really hard time for me.

I wish I was with my family.

Aw, he's not with his family.

Poor thing's all alone on Christmas.

And then you cut me off, and that was the last straw.

That's why I wanted to bang your butt.

You... I thought we agreed not to say that.

All right.

Listen, I-I-I'm sorry I cut you off.

And I'm sorry you have to work on Christmas.

That's rough.

(sighs)

Tell me about it.

I have to drive through the night to get from a Christmas Eve parade to a Christmas Day parade.

Oh, that's an awful lot of driving.

And a lot of information.

Sounds like you're having a horrible Christmas.

Great, we've bonded, can I lick your truck now? Yum.

Probably the crappiest Christmas ever. (groans)

Guess you just needed someone to take out your frustration on.

Exactly!

I thought we'd worked past the whole punching thing.

Nope. (whoops)

Boy that felt good.

Man, I really needed that.

Hi, my name's Gary.

Hey, Gary. Bob.

You're pretty strong.

Now, let's see if we can get you guys out of here, huh?

Hey, how do you know if you have internal bleeding?

I can tell.

I can tell.

Let me listen.

Let me listen.

All right! Here we go!

Thanks, Gary!

No problem.

I'm gonna get back into my, uh... prison on wheels now.

Okay!

Aw, you just need a little Christmas cheer in there.

Bobby, give him the tree.

What? No. The tree is the whole reason we...

Give him the tree!

All right.

That's so nice.

Hey, come here.

You ever have a Dutch Baby?

Put that in your mouth.

Merry Christmas.

This is really good.

You can't even taste the baby.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, God, he's so hungry, look.

(groaning)

We got him!

Oh my God, Teddy!

Teddy is Santa!

I found the Christmas card you didn't open.

It's right there on the counter.

Open the card while I'm here.

You'd rather me do that than try and get the...

Open the card, then you can get the fridge off of me.

Oh, well, anyway, it's just a cat.

What does it say?

It says "Meow-y Christmas."

Yup, yeah.

That's cute.

♪ Hoo, ha, hoo, ha ♪

(animal screeching)

♪ Hoo, ha, hoo, ha ♪
♪ Jingle in the jungle, hope you bringle me a bundle ♪
♪ Jingle on my tingle ♪
♪ Santa, bring my favorite thingles ♪
♪ Some mittens for the monkeys ♪
♪ But make sure they're pretty funky ♪
♪ Some leggings for the lion, but remember he's size nine ♪
♪ Frogs and gators and monkeys immense ♪
♪ Everybody jingle to the jungle dance ♪
♪ We have candles and lights and jingle... ♪

© 2013 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION