03x10 - Mother Daughter Laser Razor

Linda: ♪ Dish-a-dee-do ♪
♪ Dish-a-de-dee, da-da-washin' the dishes ♪
♪ Aba-ba-ba-ba. ♪

All right, all done with the dishes.

Time for family game night.

Whoo!

Left hand red. Whoa-oh!

I'm losing my balance. Whoa!

Bob? Kids?

Where is everyone?

What's up?

(kids grunting)

Louise: Take that.

And that.

You naughty witch.

What's, uh... what's going on?

It's this thing we do with Dad. Yah!

It's called "stone the witch."

Dad's the witch, but it's just pretend.

Right, Dad?

Well, as you know, it's family game night and things are really heating up in the living room, so, you know...

Come on, kids.

I feel limber.

I'm ready to dominate.

Um, how about a rain check on that?

Let me up.

We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Well, then I'll just play this with you guys.

Whoa, ooh, here comes the blanket.

That'll warm you to death.

Yeah.

And, oh, ooh... how about this catalog?

You can learn all about the season's new blazers.

Wait, I'm lost.

Okay, let's take five, everybody.

What? No, hey, ooh, how about doilies?

We can have a fancy witch with a doily hat.

Hmm.

Mom, it's over.

You ruined it, okay?

You "mommed" it all up.

Uh-oh.

What's that supposed to mean?

Dad's here... did he "dad" it all up?

Yeah, but that's a good thing.

Oh, boy.

Fine!

I don't want to play your dumb old game anyway.

Well, that's 'cause you suck at it.

(gasps) Uh-oh.

Ouch.

Oh, God.

Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart Mouth.

You just bought yourself a ticket to your room.

Oh, fine.

Best money I ever spent.

You can't ruin anything in there.

(groans) I'm going back to family game night by myself!

Oh. Oh.

Oops.

May I? I'd look great in that.

I'd look great in that.

I'd look great in that.

Linda: Right foot blue.

Terrific, I win.

(grunting)

Lin, you okay?

Mm-hmm.

You're not mad, are you?

No, no.

Okay, well, good night.

Oh, you just think you're so much fun.

Don't you, Mr. Fun Buns?

What?

I'm sorry.

It's just that Louise.

She's always liked you better.

Ever since she was a baby.

Are you Mommy's little girl?

Dada.

And Mama.

Dada.

Mama.

Dada.

Mama.

Dada.

Dada.

Mama.

Dada.

Mama.

Dada.

M... Ma...

Da... Da...

Ma. Ma. Ma.

Da. Da. Da.

Da, da, da! Ma... ma!

All right, you know what?

Change your own diaper.

Well, don't worry, Lin.

She's just going through a phase.

A nine-year phase... she'll grow out of it.

Well, I'm not waiting for that.

According to the Phenomimom...

The Phenomimom?

It's a mommy blog, by Dakota Applebaum.

She says one way mothers and daughters connect is through story time.

Phenomimom... that's fun to say.

I am gonna go story that little punk.

Sounds good.

Louise, you awake, baby?

Louise?

Louise!

Huh?

What? What's going on?

Sorry. Did I wake you up?

Look what I brought.

Princess Pigeon Toe... remember?

Oh, no.

Uh-huh.

Not that book.

Scootch over.

(grunts) Scootch.

This is a twin.

Come on.

There's not a lot of room.

Come on, come on.

Move, move, move.

"Princess Pigeon Toe lived in a peacock castle on Penguin Lane."

Please stop, please stop, please stop.

"Every day, she went to Parakeet Park to play pinochle with Pauly the Porpoise."

Oh, no! Please, just let me sleep!

"Sometimes they take a picnic basket full of pickles and peppers and pumpkin pie!"

Please make it stop!

(squeaking)

(bell rings)

It's Claire and Jacqueline.

Who?

The most popular girls at school.

How do I look?

Oh, good...

Hi. I'm Tina.

I'll be your server today, and hopefully in the future, your good friend.

That's nice.

I'll have a cheeseburger.

Me, too.

Okay, two cheeseburgers...

Claire, did you see Rachel's legs?

They are so hairy.

Oh, my God, I know... so gross.

Right?

Get a razor, girl.

More like a lawnmower.

(both laughing)

Yeah-oh!

(gasps)

When did you get there?

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Gene, hide my legs.

On it!

(grunting)

Nothing to see here.

This is just how we walk in the restaurant biz.

Linda: Aw.

My teeny Tina's growing up.

With her little leg hairs.

Just shave up to the knee.

Only strippers shave above the knee.

The good ones anyway.

Okay.

Louise: Um... who did this?

I did.

Oh, you did?

Yes.

Oh, what a surprise.

Well, you left it in my room.

Yeah, the Phenomi...

I mean, I think it's important to create tangible expressions of our relationship.

Oh, well, isn't that...

Whoops.

Hey, you hang that up in your room.

You know you're gonna need your mother someday.

Who's gonna shave your legs, huh?

No one... I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggily.

(grunts) I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds.

(laughs) And I'm gonna learn about s*x from television, so I don't need that from you, either!

(grunts)

Wait, maybe you should take some time to cool off.

Yeah, I don't think you should shave angry.

Who's angry?

(both yelling)

(grumbling)

Uh, listen, Lin, do you think you might be forcing it a little?

I'm not forcing it, Bob!

Right.

Louise is gonna see that her best friend is her mommy even if I have to shake it into her.

Ow.

Shake it, yes, shake it.

Stop, no, stop.

Like that.

(grunts)

Ooh, look.

No.

Yes.

No, no, no, no.

Yes!

Okay, here we go.

Going on a little errand, that's all.

(groans)

We need to talk.

Look, I think we should spend some time apart.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I'm just not really looking for something serious right now.

Sure, sure, honey.

You understand...

I mean, yeah, it's gonna be a little awkward.

You got some of your stuff at my place.

We live together...

We're here!

Laser tag... a little dated, but all right.

Not that.

That!

(screams)

I've been kidnapped!

No, she hasn't.

We're fine.

Keep moving.

Nothing to see here.

Nice blouse.

Come on.

No, no, no, no, no!

Louise, relax.

It's not like I'm torturing you.

I'm just taking you to an eight-hour mother/daughter seminar.

Eight hours?!

Yes, our relationship needs help.

Professional help.

Hey!

Start, damn you, start.

(both grunting)

No!

Oh, all right, all right.

20 bucks.

What?

I'll give you 20 bucks if you come and do this with me.

Interesting... $1,000.

$28.

$29.50.

Deal.

This is gonna be the hardest money I've ever earned.

Unless you become a hooker.

(laughs)

?

Welcome, everyone.

Welcome to my mother/daughter seminar... Modo Time.

I'm Dakota.

You're the Phenomimom?

But you're a man.

I am a man.

And that's okay.

The female spirit flows through all of us.

We're all estro-geniuses.

Everybody stand up and say it, "I am an estro-genius."

All: I am an estro-genius.

Oh, dear.

Guys, today we are going back.

We're gonna go all the way back to the womb.

We're gonna get into a womb-a-tism!

A what?

A womb-a-tism!

Ooh, a what?

(grunts) No.

Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Ooh, a male daughter.

Ha-ha, Logan.

Oh, God, it's here.

Sorry, this was the only seminar available, and we had an incident yesterday.

Logan called me the "B" word.

Why must that word exist?

Question.

What's the "uter-room?"

Well, I'm hoping what's in that room won't be necessary.

Now, let Modo Time begin!

Dad, I want you to drop everything you're doing and shave my legs.

I'll take care of the first part.

Gene. I was trying to help.

Uh, Tina, can't you just shave them yourself?

I tried.

Oh, God!

Aah!

Oh, oh, dear.

Oh... oh, my... aah!

No more razors for you.

Just wait for Mom.

You wait for Mom.

If I don't shave this before school tomorrow, Claire and Jacqueline might talk about me at some restaurant.

All right, fine.

Like a seafood restaurant or a Chinese restaurant.

Tina.

Or that rain forest restaurant with all the jungle sounds.

Or McCormick and Schmidt's.

I said I'll do it.

Oh, okay, thanks.

There was a time when you got all you needed from your mother through a single cord.

Mothers, please strap your symbolic umbilical cords to your daughters' faces.

I call them "umbilitators."

That's not how umbilical cords work.

Here we go... wee-ooh!

It doesn't make any sense.

And feed those fetuses.

Down the hatch.

Louise, open your mouth.

Louise, open your mouth.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, she's fine.

We're fine.

Yes, open that fetus mouth!

(laughs)

Oh, it's fun.

Money.

What?

Money, no... no more extorting me.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, fine.

Five bucks... now, swallow.

Mmm, oh, she loves it.

(hacks) Aw.

Oh, hello.

You must be here for our back waxing special.

Um, no.

Arm waxing?

No.

Scrotal waxing?

No... what? No!

Yeah, that one.

No, no, not that one.

Yes.

Gene, stop.

You need it.

Gene, shut up.

My daughter needs to get her legs waxed.

Hi.

Oh. (laughs) Phew.

I mean, not that I don't want to wax you... but no, I have my limits.

Okay, well, you don't have to be rude.

Why don't we just take you in the back, sweetheart?

It's your job, you know.

I'd wax you, Dad.

Thanks, Gene.

Time to be born.

This is disgusting.

You sound just like your father.

Louise, come to Mama.

Oh, no, I think I'm good, thank you.

Can I get some scissors, Dakota?

Do a little C-section?

Those vagisacks cost $50, so... no.

Speaking of money.

(groans)

Here.

Someone's dilating.

There she is.

And time to swaddle the baby.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no... oh, God.

Snug it up, now, snug it up.

No.

I shaved that part.

You must have been very determined.

Thank you.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna put the hot wax on your legs.

Uh-huh.

And then we put these strips on your legs and pull them off.

Uh-huh.

And it kind of hurts.

Uh-huh-ah.

A lot.

Dad!

I don't know if I can do this.

Dad, you have to do it with me.

What? No, no way.

Yes, it's like when you got that flu shot to show me it was okay.

Yeah, that was brave of me, but...

Please?

I know I act tough, but I'm not. (crying)

Oh, my God... the crying.

Okay, I'll do it.

Yay, scrotal wax.

No, Gene, not scrotal, just leg.

Oh, boo!

Okay, everybody, role reversal.

Louise, you're Linda now.

And you're trying to get your defiant daughter Louise to clean her room. Action.

(quietly): Role play's gonna cost you big.

(hushed): I'll pay for it when I see it.

(clears throat)

Hello. I'm Linda.

♪ And I want you to clean your room ♪
♪ So I'm singing this song. ♪
♪ But I'm not gonna clean my room, la-la la-la la-la. ♪

No-no-no-no.

No singing. Wha...?

I'm doing you.

That's why I'm singing.

You're doing me, so you don't sing.

Oh, like I'm not gonna sing!

♪ Oh, you better clean your room ♪
♪ I will never clean my room ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm singing this song ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm so rebellious! ♪
♪ And you're gonna clean your room! ♪
♪ No, I'm not gonna stop! ♪

Okay, you two are done.

Big hand for Linda and Louise.

Please sit down.

Great. You blew it.

I blew it? You gave me nothing out there!

Well, nothing is what you're getting paid for that!

Whoa. Time out. Linda, have you been paying your daughter to be here?

I'm sorry, Dakota, but it's the only way she'd do it.

(sobbing): I'm a terrible mother.

Oh, Linda, you really, really are.

Everybody, everybody, listen, okay?

Linda is a good mother.

Mwa.

Because she did it out of love.

And that puts you in the running for the Most Valuable Mommy award... the MVM, everybody... which I give out at the end of the day.

All right!

MVM!

Pshh...

And as for you, I don't feel like you're taking Modo Time seriously.

Oh, no, not at all.

And that makes me feel negatively towards you.

Well, maybe this will help clear things up.

Here's your seminar.

See it?

It's so cute and nice in my hand, and...

(blows raspberry)

Did you just fart on my seminar?

Ye, me, too!

(blows raspberry)

Okay, that's... that's fine.

I think I know what we need to do here.

Hey! Watch it!

Get off me!

You two will stay in there until you're ready to engage in this experience!

Oh, almost forgot.

Oh, God.

What is that?

It's Freaky Friday on a loop.

Mom, you're old.

And you're young!

Wouldn't it be crazy if we switched bodies?

Both: No...!

(both screaming)

No...!

(all screaming)

Oh-hoo-hoo!

Oh, no, we switched bodies!

What a crazy journey we are on.

The logic of this movie is very unsettling!

You can't do this, you monsters!

All right, well, why don't you two pair up now that your children are locked away?

Of course, Dakota.

Come on, Cynthia.

Let's you and me learn some mommy skills together.

I'd like that, Linda.

Dakota: And don't forget about that Most Valuable Mommy award, everybody.

It's a beautiful sash.

Huh. Huh.

Hmm.

Hmm. (grunts)

Ah.

I want that sash.

Over my dead body.

I want that sash.

I love sashes.

(both growl)

My legs are so free.

Mmm. So that's what air feels like.

It's nice.

(grunts)

Yeah, these pants feel incredible.

Why don't all men do this?

Hmph!

Gene, why are you making noises?

They're my jealousy noises! Ugh!

What are you saying?

I want to wax my legs, too!

These ones right here!

You don't even have leg hair.

Tell that to my heart!

Hold on, everybody.

We're making a U-turn.

All right!

Ow!

Gentle touch, Cynthia.

A mother's gentle touch.

I'm so sorry.

You know, Dakota, when I braid Louise's hair, I sing her a song.

Ah, yes, please.

♪ Here goes the hair and there goes the hair ♪


Ah...

♪ And where is Harry Truman? ♪
♪ He's dead in the ground, he's dead in the ground ♪
♪ He's dead, dead, dead... ♪ Ow! Ow! ♪

Well we switched bodies again, and everything's back to normal.

I finally understand you, Mom.

Freaky Friday's getting to me, man.

They really understand each other!

You pull yourself together.

We got to get out of here.

They just had to see things from each other's perspective.

Logan, come on!

We got to think!

Walk a mile in each other's shoes...

Oh, I swear to God, if you keep talking, I'm gonna gut-punch you!

It's a beautiful story of love and acceptance.

Oh, my stomach!

Wait a minute.

That's it!

Wow. See?

What'd I tell you?

That is smooth.

Whoa, whoa, Teddy.

What, a little high up on the leg?

Yeah.

Sorry.

There's a stop sign right here.

Now feel mine.

And mine.

No, Teddy, don't touch their legs.

Look at this.

Whoa!

You could wash a pan with that.

Hey, maybe I'll shoot over there and get what you got.

Yeah.

Nah, on second thought, I couldn't get rid of these little guys.

They're my little furry friends.

Don't listen to him.

You're an embarrassment!

No, don't listen to him.

You're all right.

Furry little... friends?

(high-pitched voices): This is fun! Higher, Tina!

Higher!

(high-pitched screaming)

Watch out for that bear!

Whoo! Here comes a puma!

(yowls)

Louise: Mommy! Mommy!

Logan: Mommy!

Did you hear that, everybody?

They're coming around.

The Uter-Room is working!

Oh, that umbilical soup got me, Mom. Got me real bad.

Rub my tummy?

Mine, too.

Oh, my poor baby.

(baby talk)

It's wonderful.

A mother's instinct at its most primal level!

Come, other mothers, come and see!

Mommy's gonna make you all better.

Well, this mommy's gonna make you all better first.

(both grunting)

Now! Ha!

What the hell's going on?

Uh, what are... what are you doing?

You fell for the oldest trick in the book.

The fake tummy ache!

The old belly bluff.

Oh, the belly bluff!

Now, if you'll excuse us, us girls...

(clears throat)

Sorry. Ladies...

Thank you.

Are going to play laser tag.

Whoo-hoo!

Linda: Oh, I hope those lasers hit you right in the butt!

(Dakota grunting)

Come on, you!

Damn these delicate shoulders!

Let me try.

(grunts)

Where'd you learn how to break down a door, Girl Scout camp?

Move it.

(both grunting)

Announcer: No covering your sensors.

No climbing on the barriers.

And no physical contact of any kind.

Well, agree to disagree.

I feel kind of bad about locking our moms in that room.

(laser trills)

Ah, hey!

Tina: I killed them.

I killed them all.

Tina, what... what's wrong?

I killed my friendly leg hairs.

Um... oh.

Well, they'll grow back.

It's not just that.

I did it 'cause I was worried about what those girls would think of me.

I'm a sheep!

A hairless sheep!

So you gave in to peer pressure.

It happens to everybody.

I mean, why do you think I wear these shoes?

'Cause you don't care what you look like?

What? No.

'Cause I... No.

'Cause I saw some other chefs wearing them and I thought they were cool.

Don't you think?

Yeah, yeah.

What do you mean?

I think they're...

Yeah, they're cool.

Um... okay. Well, because if they don't look... if they look stupid, I won't wear them.

No, they... Yeah.

Forget it. Listen.

Leg hair or no leg hair, you're still Tina, and when it comes to the important stuff, you'll make the right choice.

Gene, put some pants on.

No!

Ugh.

(lasers guns whooshing and whirring)

What the hell?

How'd you get out?

I busted through the door.

Um, we busted through the door.

Fine. My shoulder and Cynthia's left boob.

All right, everybody.

Fun's over.

Now, let's get back on Modo Time.

Oh, no freaking way!

You are coming back to the Nurture Center right now!

You're in big trouble, Logan Berry Bush.

Huh?

Logan Berry Bush?

We didn't think it through.

Okay, everybody, calm down.

Now, how do we get down there?

No one goes in without a vest and a laser gun.

Well, that's not happening.

I'll go down there!

Linda, no!

Laser tag goes against everything we've been working on.

And besides... you're mothers.

Uh-huh.

Where's mommy's gun?!

So, welcome to the war.

Okay, first, uh... let's just try to create a dialogue, and we'll...

(Dakota shrieks)

You're gonna get it, Miss Missy!

Why don't you let your gun do the talking, blabbermouth!

Blabbermouth? (grunts)

Linda, this isn't right!

Feels pretty good to me!

I am ordering you to put down your gun and go cradle your daughter!

No! I'm gonna shoot her instead!

Ha! Gotcha!

I gave you that one!

Nah!

This is seriously hurting your chances of receiving the MVM award!

Maybe I should give the sash to Cynthia, huh?

Die, Logan!

Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa, seriously? I'm the MVM?

What?! The sash! Oh!

That's for kidnapping me!

Ooh! Aah!

And that's for taking me to The Momgina Monologues!

You almost killed your mother.

I hope you're happy.

I am.

Any last words?

Yes. I just wish...

I just wish you liked me, that's all.

But I guess you never will, so go ahead, put me out of my misery.

Is this all 'cause you think I don't like you?

Go on. Just do it. Just go.

Take me out. Go ahead.

(sighs)

Mom, I guess I've been kind of a "B" word today.

You have. But I came on a little strong.

I'm sorr...

You! You ruined my beautiful seminar, you little brat!

And now you're gonna pay!

(screams)

Aah!

No! My baby!

Suck on this soup tube, Dakota!

It's laser-flavored!

Mom, nice!

(grunts)

(panting)

Linda: Look north, Dakota.

Whoa, Mom, amazing!

Make my day!

No, no, better before.

Wait, wait. Hold on.

(gasping)

Hey, get off the equipment!

Oh, shove it!

I'm bonding with my daughter!

Yeah, we're bonding here!

Best therapy ever.

You should have seen the way Mom took down Dakota.

Phenomimom, my ass.

My ass, too!

Up high!

Yeah, that my girl!

Quit scratching, you two.

Can't help it.

It itches.

Yeah, mine, too.

Switch?

Okay.

Come on.

Scratch like a man!

Give it to me!

Tina, I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you your first shave.

It's okay.

I regretted it anyway.

But it was fun going to the waxing salon with Dad.

He's a screamer.

Ow, Gene!

Not so hard!

Aw, man! Your day sounds better.

What?

I want to go shave my legs with Dad and then regret it.

Yeah, let's make all the same mistakes with Dad again tomorrow!

Okay.

Yay, Dad.

Oh, screw all of you.

Ah, Mom.

Come here.