02x03 - Synchronized Swimming

Feel your uterus curl into a smile as you stretch deeper into Crowning Otter.

(Grunting)

Ugh, Crowning Otter... it's so graphic.

Lin, why do you do this prenatal yoga?

You're... I mean, you're not pregnant.

Your youngest child is nine.

I like it.

It keeps my pelvic floor perky. Ah!

(Cracks) Ugh.

Ugh.

Hey, Mom, when you're done polishing your pelvic floor, can you check my math homework for me?

There's nothing on here but a drawing of a robot.

Who's better at math than a robot?

They're made of math.

Oh, Mom, did you have a chance to finish reading Buddy's Rainbow?

(sighs) I did.

The ending was so sad.

Ah, this... remind me how it ends.

Buddy dies, poor doggie.

Write it down.

Write it down.

At least he saw the rainbow.

Oh, he did?

Yeah.

Louise, did you read any of the book yourself?

I could read it, but I retain it better when Mom tells it to me.

Lin, we've talked about this a thousand times.

You can't keep doing the kids' homework for them.

I'm not.

I'm helping them.

What about you, Tina?

Is your mother helping you do your homework?

No.

See?

But Mom's been logging her dreams in my dream journal for English class.

Great, you're dreaming for her.

Oh, last night, I dreamt I was breast-feeding Gene again, and he had a long white beard like Santa Claus.

Oh, it was freaky.

(Gasps) That could be our next Christmas card.

Well, Teddy, I finally did it.

I got a soft serve machine.

I knew you could do it, Bob.

You just need to believe in yourself.

Yeah, and summer's coming.

This thing is going to be a gold mine.

♪ ♪

Teddy: Bobby, where'd you go?

Huh?

Stop daydreaming.

Let's have some of that ice cream.

Okay, here we go.

First bowl of a new era.

Oh, ugh, nasty.

Give it here, give it here, give it here.

Don't throw it out.

No, no, I wouldn't eat that.

Just give it to me.

It's not ready yet.

Give it to me.

(slurps)

Ho-oh-oh.

Wow, that is something there.

As your first customer, I can tell you, you don't change a thing, you know.

Teddy, you'll eat anything.

What? I won't eat anything.

I'm pretty discerning.

Eat this.

What was that?

Don't feed a guy a sponge, Bobby.

Don't feed a guy a sponge.

You put it in your mouth, Teddy.

(Groans)

Louise, guess which one of us ate cat food.

(Andy and Ollie exhale)

Ugh, both of you.

We brought it from home.

See you in P.E. class.

(Groans)

I'm sick of P.E.

So am I.

Me, too.

I hate the whole shirts and skins thing.

I'm not open! I'm not open!

I hate Ms. Schroeder's dumb rules.

I told you, Louise, no hats in P.E.

And I told you, I have a raging staph infection under here.

Touch this hat and we all go down.

You want to play dodgeball in the hospital?

I hate how I always get hit in the head with the ball.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

I don't want to go to P.E. anymore.

Both: Me, neither.

Let's swing by Mr.

Frond's office.

He's highly suggestible.

You guys, when I'm in P.E. class, I feel like I'm not living up to society's warped image of fitness.

I feel like a loser.

I feel like I'm not being valued as a woman.

Me, neither.

I need guidance and counseling.

I'm a guidance counselor.

Come in.

So you're feeling a little P.O.'d about P.E., huh?

(Chuckles)

But physical education is a state requirement.

I can't just let you out of it.

But, what if, I don't know, instead of class, we did an independent... study in something sort of physical, something, like, I don't know, that the school doesn't offer.

Independent study...

I like the sound of that.

Sounds like something I'd come up with.

You just did. Yeah.

You did.

Nailed it.

Uh, I guess I did.

The superintendent is going to love this idea.

So, what would you do for your independent study?

Uh, swimming?

Synchronized swimming.

No, she doesn't mean what she says ever.

Or just regular swimming and splashing.

I love synchronized swimming.

Who doesn't, huh?

Yeah. I mean, okay, yeah.

Great.

All right, so, uh... you'll need an adult to supervise you.

We know an adult.

We definitely know an adult.

Have 'em sign this.

Louise: Linda Belcher... fancy on the "B"... definitely signed this form.

Tina, synchronized swimming?

That is the most random sport in the world.

How'd you even come up with that?

Mom loves synchronized swimming.

Don't you remember during the last Olympics?

She made us do everything synchronized.

And brush and brush and brush and spit.

Good.

We just got out of P.E. for the rest of the year, my friends.

Yeah, who needs it?

(Straining)

Phew.

Here, let me try.

Huh. I need to exercise.

First, you fill the base of the cone.

Boring.

Just let me do the demonstration, all right?

So the ice cream goes on the inside of the cone always?

It goes... yes.

It's like an edible bowl.

We get it. Move on.

Wait, if that's ice cream, why is it soft?

Oh, my God.

I have a question.

Why are you telling us this?

Because I'm going to need your help.

You guys are going to be running this thing.

Oh.

I now pronounce you Team Soft Serve.

I made a soft serve this morning, so I should be captain.

Linda: Kids, time for school.

Here, I washed your gym clothes.

We don't need gym clothes anymore.

Tina, of course we do.

What, are we going to run laps naked?

(Both laugh)

(chuckles)

Oh, and Gene, here's your Navajo warrior mask for your history class.

Wow, Mom, great job.

(Sniffs)

It smells like you.

I've been wearing it all morning. I love it.

(Breathing heavily)

Thanks, Mom.

I hope we get a good grade.

(Door opens, bell jingles)

Hmm, uh-uh-uh.

Don't you make noises at me, you judge-a-roo.

Go play your judge-eridoo.

Uh-uh.

Ah-ah!

Louise (chuckles): Suckers.

Louise, why aren't you in P.E.?

Do you guys have lice?

I do. I do.

For your information, we don't do P.E. anymore.

We do independent study, thank you.

Yeah, we're off the grid.

So long, balls.

Boy: Heads up!

Ow.

Ow.

♪ Headin' out of P.E. ♪
♪ Gives us time to play on the street ♪
♪ First we lied to Mr. Frond ♪
♪ Now we're in a nail salon... ♪
♪ On. ♪

Mr. Frond, pretty yarn.

Do you knit?

You tell me.

(Chuckles)

What up, my knitta?

So, let's talk synchronized swimming.

Oh, yeah, I'm always up for that.

Big commitment.

I bet.

I still have the '96 Olympics on VHS.

The Miracle on Melted lce.

Ooh, I have Dynasty on VHS.

Well, I can't wait to see the routine you choreograph for the kids in independent study.

Independent wha...?!

Those little sneaks.

I can't believe they lied to Mr. Frond like that.

Ah, here you go, sir.

And they used me in their lie.

What do you expect?

You coddle them too much.

Well, I'm not going to coddle them this time.

I'm going to get real tough.

Louise (sighs): What a day at school.

I feel so physically educated.

Hello, kids.

I had a very interesting encounter with Mr. Frond today.

You did?

Yeah, he's an interesting guy.

Yeah, he is very interesting, Tina.

He's so interesting that he told me about your independent study.

Uh... I got to go.

I have forgot everything outside.

Sit down.

I got big, big news for you.

You're not going to get away with it, either.

Dad, do you want some help with the soft serve?

Get over here. Look at this face and remember it because it's the face of your new synchronized swimming coach.

(All gasp)

What? Lin.

Huh...?

I guess we actually have to do synchronized swimming now.

Tina, this is the woman who chewed your food for you when you had your tonsils out.

We're not going to have to lift a finger.

Okay, you two, lift your fingers.

Synchronized swimming starts at your fingertips and ends with your tippy toes.

I like it!

It holds things in, in all the right places.

Why is Gene wearing a girl's suit?

'Cause, otherwise, we wouldn't look synchronized.

All right, everyone in the pool. Come on.

(Both blow whistle)

Whistles are for lifeguards only.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Mom... I mean, uh, Coach, before we dive in, maybe we could watch you do a few moves.

We're visual learners, right, guys?

Yeah, like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.

She had to watch a lot of welding before she got good.

I love Flashdance.

Okay, I see your point.

This is called the eggbeater kick.

Nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang- nang-nang-nang-nang-nang-nang...

Looking good, Mom!

I'm learning a lot from looking!

See, not so bad.

I could get used to this.

Hi.

Hello.

How are you?

I'm fine.

How are you?

I'm good... not drowning.

That could change.

Please don't lean on the...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Be right with you.

Here's your ice cream, Teddy.

Bob, this is too cold.

Can you just put it in the microwave for me?

I can't do that right now, Teddy.

It's too cold.

I can't eat it.

Just eat it as is!

I can't eat this.

Oh, my God.

Just warm it up for me.

Teddy, you're killing me.

Come on, take a second.

Give me the ice cream. Give it to me.

Don't put it on too long, now.

Excuse me. Can I get a sample of the chocolate?

Why do you need a sample?

You don't need a sample.

But how will I know what it tastes like?

It's chocolate... it tastes like chocolate tastes.

Is it nonfat?

Um, no.

What percentage of fat is it?

I don't know.

Is it two percent?

I don't know.

You should get it melted.

Can we get a sample of the melted?

You won't be sorry.

Teddy.

What?

Stop.

Uh, Bob...

I think my medium rare burger is turning into a well done situation.

Oh, crap.

Bobby, take it out of the microwave.

Bobby, take it out of the microwave.

I'm cooking now, Teddy.

Bobby, take the ice cream out of the microwave.

We're back.

Lin, you can't keep the kids this late.

I need you guys to be here.

Here, Teddy, there's your bowl of melted ice cream.

Oh, the bowl is hot.

I can't do burgers and ice cream by myself.

Dad's freaking out.

I'm not freaking out!

Totally freaking out.

Shut up!

Okay, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm gonna go change.

Me, too.

I'm not.

How was swim practice, Lin?

Good... the kids will be ready to get in the water any day now.

They haven't gotten in the water yet?

They're visual learners, Bob.

It's a scam, Linda.

They're not playing a sport.

They're playing you again.

Look, soft serve.

Oh, God.

All right, here's a sample.

I want vanilla.

Do you have strawberry?

Swirl it.

Swirl it.

Look, we don't do swirls or sprinkles or strawberry.

Swirl it.

This is not low fat!

Oh, my God. Just spit it out.

Spit it. Spit it.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

All right.

All the teenagers leave!

Little Leaguers, too!

I ate some of that sponge.

I want a sponge.

Out!

(Grunts)

Gene, boogers.

(Snorts)

That is good stuff. Uncut.

Kids, down here!

Time to work on scissor kicks.

Today, we're going to actually do them in the water.

Gene just ate, Mom.

We could get a cramp.

What are you guys doing here?

Mr. Frond made us independent study kids, too.

Whee!

We could use more people for a pyramid lift.

Or we could make a circle.

(Gasps)

Concentric circles.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

Ooh.

Hey, Linda, I like the choreography.

You're a great coach... a beautiful, sensual coach.

(Gasps)

Thank you, Tom Selleck.

(Kids laughing)

Kids, stop!

Stop! Stop!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Marco.

Wahlberg.

(blows whistle)

No whistles.

You know that.

I know the whistle rule!

Fine. Please don't lean on the chair.

What's wrong with you kids?

Don't you care about your independent study?

No.

Louise said this class was a joke.

Yeah. Say something funny.

Louise, Tina, Gene, get over here now.

Ah... good one.

Cannonball!

That is it!

Your father was right.

You're just taking advantage of me.

You and Dad were talking about us behind our backs? Not cool!

If you don't care about your P.E. requirement, then I don't, either.

I quit!

Looks like somebody's ready to coach independent drama.

Where are you guys going?

The pool's that way.

Screw the pool.

Without our mom around, we make the rules again.

Oh! Am I glad I caught you guys.

I have very exciting news.

I pulled some strings, left several persuasive voice mails.

The upshot: The superintendent is bringing the school board to the pool this afternoon to watch you synchronized-swim.

What?!

But our mom quit. Ow.

They even suggested doing a graded performance.

We're going to set up a judges' table.

It'll be like the Olympics.

Mr. Frond... ha!... we should not do this.

The whole point of independent study was so that we wouldn't feel judged.

You're judged from the day you're born till the day you die.

The school board wants to see you do scissor kicks and perfect lifts.

Otherwise, you're all going to summer school.

Summer school?

(Screams)

What am I going to wear?

I'm glad you finally quit helping the kids, Lin.

It was the right thing to do.

You were right, Bob.

I needed to let my baby birds fly... my bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings.

That was...

Sometimes you just got to push 'em out the window.

Yeah.

You just got to push 'em right out there.

And if they fall flat, then that's them.

Well, you know what, it's nice to have you back.

It's nice to be back.

Hey, you want to train me on this thing or what?

You bet I do.

All right.

Yeah, you put your...

Okay.

... put your hand on the knob.

Yeah? Like that?

There you go. Yeah, no.

Like that?

Slow. Slow.

Ah, slow, slow, slow.

♪ Oh... ♪

Yeah, there you go.

Ah.

♪ My love ♪
♪ My darling... ♪


Oh, hey, Tom Selleck.

(Linda babbling)

Uh, Linda, take it easy.

Oh! Oh! Whoo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, you can't pull it down that hard.

Okay.

Mom, we're really sorry.

Will you come back and help us right now, please?

Hmm.

Stay strong, Lin.

All: Please.

I accept your apology, and I will help you.

What?

Great! Let's go.

I will help you by not helping you. Right?

Mmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

What just happened here?

Why is everyone smiling and not helping?

Mom, Mr. Frond is making us perform for the school board this afternoon.

Not my problem.

Exactly.

Not her problem.

It's not my problem.

Yes, what she said.

Not mine.

Okay, let's not...

And if we don't pass, we have to go to summer school.

Summer school?

Yeah. What next?

Summer church?

Summer dentist?

Summer visit Grandma?

Summer camp?

Wait, I'd go there.

You guys made your bed, and now you're going to have to swim in it.

Whoa, whoa.

Lin, the kids can't go to summer school.

We need them here in the restaurant.

I thought you said quitting was the right thing to do.

We both said a lot of things.

Just, you help them.

I will not, you hypocrite.

If you want to help the kids... you're such a know-it-all parent... then help them yourself.

I'm done.

Yeah! Dad, help us!

Yeah! Help us, Dad! Please.

That's a great idea!

No, no, no.

What? No, not me.

Yeah. Yes, you.

No, I'm busy.

Dad.

Hmm?

Summer School.

And you're here all alone without Team Soft Serve.

It's too cold.

I can't eat it.

What percentage of fat is it?

Swirl it.

Is it nonfat?

Take it out of the microwave.

Uh, Bob.

Swirl it.

The bowl is hot.

Totally freaking out.

Swirl it.

No!

(Sighs)

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll have to figure out some kind of routine.

I taught you kids how to use this, right?

Yeah.

But I still don't understand where the ice cream goes.

All right, shut up.

Forget it.

Superintendent Douglas, let me get your chair for you.

I got it. I got it.

Yeah. Ah.

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as math.

Until one brave teacher said, "Hey, what about math?"

I think independent study synchronized swimming will be the next math.

We are so screwed.

We're all gonna die!

Let's die like we were born... two minutes apart!

All right, everybody, calm down.

Huddle up. Come here.

We can fake our way through this.

We'll do a few of these and some of this.

And maybe we'll be okay.

Dad, go change into your suit.

I'm in my suit.

Hmm?

This is what men wear, Gene, in the pool.

Well, it looks ridiculous.


♪ And five, six, seven, eight... ♪

(fire alarm ringing)

Fire!

Oh, my God.

Everyone stay!

Phillip, it's a fire alarm.

No, we're... we're at a swimming pool.

This is the safest place to be during a fire.

False alarm, people.

False alarm!

Everything is fine.

Let's get this swim going!

♪ ♪

And five, six, seven, eight...

Anthrax! Run for your lives!

Aah! Anthrax!

Anthrax smells like babies!

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Phillip, what is going on here?

Come over here. Come here.

(sniffs)

It's-it's just talcum powder.

Carry on.

Ugh.

Linda, it's Tom Selleck.

Tom, what are you doing in my coffee?

Want to know what's the sexiest thing about you?

My ankles.

No.

You're a fantastic mother.

Oh. Anything else?

You always do the right thing.

All right, we're done.

Go. Get out of my coffee.

And five, six, seven, eight...

Doody! Doody!

Oh, come on!

(whistle blows)

Everyone out of the pool.

We've got a code brown.

Don't go near it.

It's disgusting.

You did a Caddyshack?

Nice move.

What's a Caddyshack?

The movie... Caddyshack?

Never heard of it.

Wait, so you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool? No.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Wow. Looks like a candy bar.

Thank you.

Mine looks like chicken satay.

Sorry, folks, we got to drain it.

I think we're done here.

Next time, let's stick to the curriculum.

No! No. No.

We are not done.

We will... we will still do this.

We will... do this in the empty pool.

You want us to swim in a pool with no water?

Are you insane?

Summer school.


♪ And five, six, seven, eight. ♪

(All grunting)

(awkward chuckling)

Ow!

Sorry, Dad.

(Door bangs open, whistle blows)

It's Mom.

Lin, what are you doing here?

A little cup of coffee told me to come.

I don't know what that means, but we're glad to see you.

We're dying here.

Follow my lead!

Crowning Otter!

Clench that pelvic floor!

(Grunts)

Gene, you're good.

I've seen her do it a million times.

And into Downward Stork.

Don't forget to breathe.

Here comes the baby.

(all grunting)

Push... and push.

(All grunting)

Oh, oh, it's crowning.

It's crowning.

Aah! I had a baby!

And lift up the baby.

(Imitating crying baby)

Nurse the baby.

And jazz hands.

(Awkward chuckling)

We passed!

Yes!

Next time we do this, I'm getting an epidural.

Well, the school board killed independent study.

Another Frond innovation in the crapper.

But we passed the performance?

I guess, technically, you passed.

So no summer school?

Yeah. Yeah.

No summer school.

Whatever. (all cheering)

Whoo-hoo. Yes. Whoo-hoo.

But you do have to go back to P.E.

(All groaning)

Balls.

I got to go knit this out.

Nice job with the prenatal yoga, Mom.

Sorry we were such jerks.

That's why I quit being your coach.

But I'll never quit being your mommy.

You saved our asses.

And toned our Kegels.

Let's go home and celebrate with some soft serve!

Eh, let's go to I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Yogurt.

They've got more flavors.

I want to go to Chilli Billy's.

I think they just serve chili.

Ooh, now I'm hungry for chili.

Good, 'cause we're getting chili.

All right!

Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise pooped in the pool?

Ignore it?

I named it...

Jezebel.

Aw. My little grand-doody.