01x05 - Hamburger Dinner Theater

[Sizzling]

Bachelorette party!

All right!

Going to the strip club.

All right.

Going to pickles.

Boy, am I gonna need some quarters tonight. Ha ha!

Quarters?

Yeah.

What are you gonna do with quarters, lin?

I'll plop them in their g-strings.

You'll plop quarters in their g-strings.

Plop them right in.

Flippity flop.

At pickles.

Pickles.

Why do they call it pickles?

They actually serve pickles.

Hmm.

No. I'm not kidding.

They really have good pickles.

You think they wouldn't, but they're delicious.

You're going to dinner theater, aren't you?

Ha ha ha! What?

What do you mean?

Why, that's crazy.

Fine, Bob. You got me.

I know you don't approve of dinner theater, so I fibbed.

You know what?

I'd rather you go to a strip club.

Gene: What do you have against dinner theater, dad?

Well, first of all, gene, it's neither dinner nor theater.

It's like the imitation cheese of theater.

Sounds fun.

Imitation cheese is delicious.

That's my boy.

That's my star.

Linda, you know what the real problem is?

What? It's the result of dinner theater, what it does to you, makes you sing everything.

Who was that?

♪ Wrong number ♪

Oh.

Yeah.

So what's for breakfast?

♪ Eggs, eggs, eggs, bom bom ♪
♪ eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ bom bomp ♪

So, lin, it's... all right.

♪ Not tonight, no ♪ ok. ♪
♪ Not tonight, no ♪ I get it. ♪

And so you're gonna be doing that all week, right?

♪ No ♪

Yeah!

Ha ha ha!

Man: ♪ we drink, we loot, we rape, we shoot ♪

Different man: ♪ we sing, we dance, we twirl, we prance ♪

All: ♪ we're the pirates of panache ♪
♪ panache ♪

Linda, tell me everything.

Oh, mort, I'm telling you, to be in dinner theater... if I could do my life over again, oh, if I could just have one chance... you'd do that?

Yeah.

Linda, what are you talking about?

You've got a great life.

You work in a restaurant.

You get to feed the world, right?

Right.

There was someone in here from Canada last week, remember, and we learned all about that country.

It's great.

I hate that country.

You know, Linda, you've got the dinner part already.

You know what that means.

You're halfway to doing...

Yeah?

Your own... Say it. Yeah.

Say it. What? What?

Dinner theater.

Your very own dinner theater.

Dinner theater.

Yes! Yeah!

Yay! Why are we excited?

Hamburger dinner theater?

Oh, come on, Bobby?

We work hard every day to make your dream come true.

Why can't we do my dream, too?

About how long do you think your dream will take, like an hour, hour and a half?

You crazy?

It's got to be at least a 3-week engagement.

3 weeks?

How about 3 days?

All right.

We'll take it. Ha ha!

This is gonna be wonderful.

What's the show gonna be?

Ah, murder.

Murder mystery. Ach.

How about mass murder mystery?

Ok. Sure.

And a musical?

Of course.

Can it also be a love story?

Aw, a mass murder mystery musical love story set in...

Nazi Germany.

Oh, in Montreal.

Enough with Canada!

In a ketchup factory, a sexy ketchup factory?

[Wheeze wheeze]

I got it! In a morgue!

I have props.

Oh, come on. Yes. Yes.

Mort, that's it.

We'll call it "Dreamatorium.

" Really?

♪ Dreamatorium ♪
♪ it's a dreamatorium ♪

Ugh.

♪ bom bomp ♪

Look at this set.

Am I in a morgue?

Oh, it feels like I am.

I am just so happy we've all been bitten by the dinner theater bug.

Now, gene, you're on sound effects, naturally.

Gene's voice: Aah!

Ominous.

Chills. Oh.

Remember, every character gets some intro and outro music.

You got it.

[Plays "Mysterioso pizzicato"]

Don't.

Don't score me.

Mort, you're on visual effects.

Fake blood...

Or is it?

Now, script.

As you know, everyone who enters my morgue is mysteriously killed.

Mort... body delivery guy, victim one; Gene... flower delivery guy, victim two; Tina... tree, victim 3; Louise... the Butler who everyone thinks is the killer.

You're the red herring.

Tina is a tree that gets killed?

She wants to be a tree, she can be a tree.

Tina has got stage fright.

I have stage fright?

Yeah, sweetie, ever since you were a little baby.

Tina, say, "mommy."

Mommy.

Uh...

Ma. No.

Uh.

I'll keep cutting.

You say when.

Uh...

Uh. Uh.

Woman on phone: 911.

What's your emergency? Uh...

Tina! Help! Uh...

Hello?

Tina! Fire!

Uh...

That explains a lot.

Now, Bobby, there's a small part I'd like you to play... the tree surgeon who tries to save the tree but instead becomes victim number 4.

I'd love to, but absolutely not.

I'm already doing the dinner part of this dinner theater, lin, by myself, I might add.

It's one line.

No.

What's the matter?

Afraid you might get bitten?

Bzz bzz bzz! Gotcha!

Ha ha! Yeah. Ok. Good.

Let's do a scene right now. Come on.

Let's do an improv.

An improv?

Yeah, an improv. I... hi.

What's your... hi. How are you?

I'm just standing out here.

So am I.

It's cold out.

Not really.

Uh...

I have a big coat on.

See? You're good.

You're good.

That was good.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Yes.

That was a whole scene.

It just becomes a play. I love that.

That's the play we should do.

We'll call it "big coat."

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Um, are you taking to me?

I'm warming up my instrument!

Unbelievable!

I'm sor... uh...

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's preshow nerves.

Come here.

Hug for luck.

You freaking idiot!

You don't hug for luck in the theater! Uh...

Shh shh shh. Shh shh.

I'm sorry, baby. Shh shh.

I didn't mean it, baby.

You know how I get before a big show.

You know how I get.

Get off of me!

You're smudging my makeup!

You want me to go out there in front of these people with this makeup all smudged, you clumsy oaf!

Sorry, baby.

Come here.

[Playing upbeat music]

Good evening, ladies.

Please enter and be tained.

Teddy: I don't get it, Bob.

Why are people buying tickets to your burger?

Linda is putting on a dinner theater, so you're paying for the entertainment plus the burger.

What if someone only wants to eat a hamburger?

I guess you could just pay for the burger and turn your back to the stage.

I could kind of watch like this, you know, with my peripheral vision.

It'd be the honor system, Teddy.

I mean, if you find yourself watching the show, you should probably buy a ticket, right?

Oh, that's fair.

That's more than fair.

Shh, but, Teddy, you can't talk during the show.

No, no, no.

I get it.

One time I was at the movies, right, Teddy! Shh! And this guy's phone goes off during...

Teddy, they're starting.

[Whispering] And this guy's phone goes off...

Don't tell the story, Teddy.

And he picks up the phone...

Don't tell... shh!

And everyone in the theater is like, "stop it"...

Teddy, stop.

Stop telling... and everyone is like, "who's the killer?"

Shut your mouth.

Right. No.

That's what that guy did.

Shut your mouth.

Linda: Ahem!

Everything dies...

♪ But love ♪

Good evening.

This is the story of love, but there will be a murderer, and it's up to you to guess who that murderer is.

Hint... it's not me...

Because I'm just Gladys, a lonely morgue owner.

You know, they say most people find love where they work.

Well, look where I work.

Corpse delivery for a lonely morgue owner.

♪ That would be me ♪

Mort: Waagh!

I've been murdered to death.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

So no actual murder tonight, just a lot of fake blood and fake organs.

Yeah. Right.

Right. Fake.

Yeah. We might have overdone it a little on the Gore.

Well, no harm done.

Except for the people being treated for shock.

Yeah, and the people who demanded their money back. Eh.

Well, the next performance is gonna be really great.

Next performance?

Wasn't tonight's debacle the end of dinner theater?

I just need to tweak some stuff for tomorrow's show, maybe tone down the blood a smidge.

What?

I've been thinking.

I want to get over this stage fright.

I think I'd like to have a line.

Aw, Bob, our tree is growing up and sprouting words.

Let's write you a speech for tomorrow night's performance.

Can I say, "no. Don't"?

That's exactly what a tree would say.

I'll have it memorized by tomorrow night.

Lin, you lived out your dream on stage for a couple minutes, and since there were no charges filed, they can never take that away from you, right?

Bob, my dream has not been...

♪ satisfied ♪

The show must go on, dad.

Yeah.

Did you give up after you made your first burger?

It ain't over till it's over.

No. You added garlic powder.

Luck is 90% preparation and... gene, enough.

Oh, two more shows.

This tastes nothing like real blood.

Flowers for a lonely morgue owner.

♪ That's me ♪

Oh, God! That feels like a sharp knife in my belly.

Ohh! Aagh!

Aagh! Arrgh!

Psst, gene.

Aagh! Agh! Agh!

Gene. Gene.

Yeah? Uh-huh?

Are you done?

No.

I need you to serve this to table 3.

Linda: Bob, shh!

He's dying.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Come on... ahem.

Come on, Butler.

Let's go out into the garden.

Uh...

Tina. Tina, it's your big line.

Uh...

Go.

No. Don't.

The tree, it's been murdered.

Oh, Butler, who is committing all these murders?

Beats me.

Oh, there's my knife.

Well, I sure don't know whodunit.

Do you?

Is the tree the murderer, or is the flower delivery man the murderer, or perhaps the suspicious Butler.

[Applause]

Well, you're all wrong.

♪ The murderer was me ♪ ha ha! ♪

What? You explicitly told us at the beginning of the show you weren't the murderer.

That's right.

It's a twist.

No. It's a lie.

A lie is not a twist.

Don't be nervous.

You do this all the time.

The cast will be signing autographs if anyone would like one.

Everyone back in their seat! Now!

This is a robbery.

[Plays chord]

A robbery.

Now, that's a twist.

This is not part of the show, people.

This is a real robbery.

Kids, get behind the counter.

We can take this guy.

I go high. You go low.

Wait. What? Never mind.

Never mind.

Wait. You blew it.

You blew it, Tina.

All right.

Stay where you are.

Give me everything in the register.

Yeah. Fine.

Listen. There are kids here, so don't do anything stupid...Er than rob this place.

Shut up, greaseball.

Don't call me greaseball...

Uh, mask face.

[Laughter]

It's not part of the show.

Show?

[Organ playing chords]

Gene, stop.

Just take it easy.

Oh, I'll take it...Easy.

Hmm, they added a robbery element to the show.

That's clever.

The ski mask is a little cheesy.

I think it looks pretty good.

Ok. That's all of it.

You've got your money.

Now be on your way.

Give me a little music.

Oh, come on.

Just go.

♪ Ooh da eh ooh ♪
♪ do your last line again ♪
♪ go ♪


You've got your money.

Now be on your way.

♪ Maybe I'll leave, and maybe I'll stay ♪
♪ maybe it's the limelight ♪
♪ could be the singing ♪
♪ 911 should be a-ringing ♪
♪ but I can't stop ♪
♪ and neither can I ♪

[Applause]

Sit down. Sit down!

I'm kidding.

Everyone up. Come on.

It's not part of the show.

Play me out.

[Playing upbeat music]

Can you break a 5?

I'd love to tip out the cast.

No! I can't break a 5, lady!

I was just robbed!

Did you not just see that?

You were standing right here, idiot!

Oh, you people commit.

Get out!

We feel terrible we didn't stop that robbery last night.

Oh, that robbery was horrible. Ohh!

Though I have to admit, it felt so good to hear the audience applaud.

Are you guys talking about that show last night?

I thought it was dazzling.

Oh, yeah?

You saw "dreamatorium"?

Yeah. I caught the end of it.

I thought the guy who played the robber really stole the show.

Is that why you guys are here?

No. They're here because the robber was a real robber and he stole 227 bucks.

A little less than that.

It'll be hard to catch this guy.

Nobody got a good look at him.

Put this down in your report.

He was leading-man handsome.

He was wearing a ski mask.

Well, he had the presence of a young Burt Reynolds.

And the pipes of an old Debbie Reynolds.

Hey, the on-line reviews are in.

Listen to this one.

It's from hoosierdaddy1997.

"The plot made zero sense, and the set looked like children made it..."

Yeah. Children did make it... my children.

"But the reason to go see "dreamatorium"

"is the closing musical number.

"The chemistry between the robber character and the lonely morgue operator was sparktastic."

Did anyone mention the food?

Uh...No.

Great. So the robbery got rave reviews.

Bob, we're a hit.

No, Linda. We were hit.

Good one.

Yeah. That's good.

Hey, thanks.

I don't get it.

We were hit.

A hit is... am I wrong?

... Is a robbery, right?

Right. A hit is a robbery.

Well, technically, for the cops... technically, no.

It's not...

Forget it.

Forget it.

But in layman's terms... forget it, everybody.

Nobody got hit.

Everybody forget it.

There we were, putting on the show of our lives, when in walked a man with a gun in his hand, and he was looking for you know who.

We will now take questions.

Oh! Me.

Oh! Oh!

Large Tommy.

Question for Tina.

Were you scared?

Um, uh...

No. She wasn't.

Oh! Oh!

Normal-size Jenny.

How big was the gun, and did anyone get shot?

That's a two-part question.

I don't answer those.

Aww.

Tiny Peter.

Does this mean you're in a gang now?

That is correct.

Our gang is called the broken glass kids.

We'll cut you.

Oh, wow.

Ohh!

Linda: Ach, I can wait for the show tonight.

What, tonight?

I thought maybe you'd consider canceling, but you're really committed to making me unhappy.

The show won't be the same without the robber.

What? You're all thinking it.

I got to agree.

That guy could really sing...

And rob.

Well, again, our apologies.

We'll follow us as soon as we hear anything.

So happy for you, though.

Thanks. Ahh...

Mort, you're right.

What am I gonna do without the robber?

You'll just have to...

♪ Take it easy ♪

Wait a minute.

That voice.

Oh, my God, it's you.

You're the robber.

Guilty.

Last night was something, wasn't it?

Oh, I know. We were electric together.

So let's do it again tonight.

Yes. I want to report a... what are you doing, Linda?

I'm getting this guy arrested.

No, but he wants to do the show again.

He robbed us with a gun.

Hey, everyone relax.

It wasn't even a real gun... fake and currently in my other jacket locked in the trunk of my car.

Bob, he wants to perform.

This guy is the missing ingredient to my show.

He's my garlic powder.

Yes. The man who robbed my restaurant is here right now.

He's about 5'8", maybe 150 pounds.

I'm bad at guessing weight, though, so... yeah. I'll say.

Yeah.

160?

Oh, flatterer.

All right. 170.

Ooh!

Aah!

Call you back.

You said the gun was in your car.

I lied.

What about it being fake?

Also a lie.

See? A lie can be a twist.

Since you did that, I'm gonna do this.

Register.

Oh, great. Again.

Good luck tonight without me.

We forgot to give this to you... a little "sorry we let the robber get away" bundt cake.

You're doing it again.

He just ran right past you.

Hold that thought, Bob.

The guy who robbed us just robbed us again.

Hold on. Can you repeat that, dispatch?

He's saying what I'm saying.

The guy who robbed us, he just left.

We got to go, Bob.

The guy who robbed you was just spotted in the area.

Don't catch him. Don't catch him.

Don't catch him.

Don't catch him.

Ah, they got him.

Bob: Jeez, that Julia packs a wallop.

Ah, you couldn't just let me have my dream, could you?

What? You mean, because I called the police?

The guy committed armed robbery, lin, twice.

But you committed murder, Bob.

You blew my dream's head off.

That's a little dramatic, lin.

Yes, Bob, because I used to be an actor.

Only two tickets left for "dreamatorium," the show over 3 people have been blogging about.

Final performance, people.

Do you think you're gonna say your line tonight?

Probably not.

You know, a good way to beat the stage fright... imagine the audience naked.

I already do that.

I imagine everyone naked.

Everyone?

All the time?

Yeah.

You don't do that?

No.

Oh.

Well, try picturing the audience with clothes on, then.

Like all their clothes?

Well, maybe just a condom and a hat.

Ok.

Tonight's show is officially sold out, packed house.

Are you feeling it, mom?

Whoo! Are you feeling it, dad?

Whoo!

Eh, who cares?

The audience is expecting to be dazzled, but thanks to your father, we have no star.

Let's just go do the version everyone hated.

Whodunit?

Was the murderer the corpse delivery guy, or was it the flower delivery guy, or was the murderer the shifty Butler?

[Applause]

Wrong. The murderer was me.

Thank you. Good night.

Hold on.

I saw the show last night.

Trust me, it's about to get good.

That's our show, everyone.

Thanks for coming out.

What about the you-know-who surprise performer?

Yeah. Well, the show is what it is, so... good night.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's garbage.

Linda: Ok. All right, then.

Drive safe.

Bob: Nobody move!

This is a robbery!

I said, sit back down, lady, or I'll shoot!

Aw, Bobby, you're in the show.

Garbage.

I don't want your money.

I just want the money of the big shot who owns this place.

Ooh, way to commit, honey.

Boy, I thought we did better today.

Oh, well... ahem.

All right. Here it goes.

♪ So I'm singing words to a song ♪
♪ I'm making up right now ♪
♪ 'cause it's the singing that matters ♪
♪ and not the song ♪
♪ so it's up to me... ♪
♪ to... ♪
♪ sing... ♪
♪ in... ♪
♪ key ♪

Ow!

Ow!

♪ Key ♪
♪ ey ♪
♪ ey ♪

That was great.

Yeah. Just go... what?

It's a little high.

Well, I nailed it.

You were a little high.

So you go higher.

I think... everyone is gone.

Yeah. I think we can stop.

We cleared them out.

No. Don't.

I did it. Tina, take a bow, girl.

["C'mon, get happy" playing]