01x04 - Sexy Dance Fighting

Uhh....

Tina, if you're gonna lay on the floor, at least roll around so I don't have to mop up later.

What's wrong with Tina?

Puberty.

Yeah. She's pubing out right now pretty bad.

Jordan Sturman moved away, and now I'll never play kickball with him again.

Oh, you should kill yourself.

Yeah!

Gene and Louise, be nice.

You're gonna go through adolescence, too, you know.

Like that? Oh, sick!

Is she contagious?

You shut up, mom!

Watch it.

You can't hurt me.

I'm already dead.

Can I have your mustache, then?

It's only one hair.

It's the beginning of a great thing.

It's a huge hair.

I can't cut it.

It's beautiful.

Leave her alone.

You're beautiful, Tina.

Let me pull it out.

Let me put my foot on your chest.

Gene, get off. Enough.

Come on, gene.

Let's go have a childhood.

My heart.

My heart.

Shh, sweetie. I'm on the phone.

Ginger is very upset.

Ha ha! Go on, ginger.

What? Ha ha ha! No!

Come on, Tina. Get up.

You're on the grill.

Why?

Come on. Cheer up, you know?

We're having fun.

We are?

Yeah.

Plus, it's father-daughter time.

Why don't gene and Louise have to have fun like this?

Well, Tina, you're the oldest, ("Love is blue" plays) and you have added responsibilities here, like on Saturday mornings, for example, you're on the grill.

I can't trust them on the grill.

You know that.

Fire comes out of it.

Ha ha! I know. It's awful.

All right. Bye.

Ginger's cat died but in a really funny way.

Ha ha ha!

Oh...

Louise: Tina, we just saw the most amazing thing ever.

This might be the best day of my life, besides the day you kids were born.

Words can't explain this.

You just have to see it.

Come with us. Come on, Tina!

I can't. Dad won't let me leave work...

I mean, fun.

He won't let me leave fun father-daughter time.

You fell for that?

That's not a real thing.

Come with us.

Aw, Bob, let her go.

All right, fine, but you're gonna miss when I scrape off the grill.

That's the best part of the day, although today has been pretty slow, so there's not gonna be as much gunk to... oh. Everyone is gone.

Oh. Ow. Oh!

Aren't you supposed to lead someone who's blindfolded?

It would ruin the surprise.

Where are we going?

At first, we thought it was a breakdancing class, and them we thought it was a special needs class.

Now we think it might be a special needs breakdancing class.

Also, it's brazilian...

Slash hilarious.

Sounds interest...

Stupid?

Oh, it's even more stupid than you could possibly imagine.

Just wait till we get near it.

They take off their shoes so when they open the door, the whole block smells like feet.

Feet that have been cooked in feet.

[Music playing]

Yes!

Still funny. Ha!

Oh! Ooh. Ooh.

Can you smell that?

That's just what's coming through the walls.

[Sniffs]

That smells exotic, like ranch dressing.

Tina: Whoa, he's beautiful.

That's a man?

Where are you going?

I'm signing up for that class.

What? Why?

Oh!

Don't open the door!

The smell will kill us all!

Let me go. Let go of me.

No!

No!

Oh, the feet smell.

The feet smell.

Wait. What is it?

It's Capoeira.

Capo-what?

Tina, are you really sure you want to do this?

Yes, dad. Wait till you see it.

Jairo is amazing. I have a DVD.

Oh, by the way, I need $14.95 for the DVD.

Wait. What? What's jairo?

Hyah!

Ola. My name is jairo.

Welcome to the world of Capoeira.

Capoeira is the most seductive form of self-defense.

It combines peacefulness, fighting, and cardio in perfect harmony.

Capoeira is breathtaking, but it is also breath-giving.

You can advance through the stages by earning different colored cords at the troca de cordoes.

Bob: Wow, I thought maybe you were doing it wrong, but that's actually what it looks like.

They're bringing the tambourine back.

That's a pandeiro, a brazilian frame drum.

It's a tambourine.

I'm gonna get mine.

Those guys don't know how to shake it.

I don't get it.

I mean, what am I looking at here?

What is it? Is it some kind of dancing.

What is it?

Jairo says it's not dancing.

It's a deadly form of street fighting.

Oh, yeah? Well, you don't need some male model to teach you how to fight.

That's what dads are for.

Come on.

I'll show you some stuff.

Box with your old man, huh?

Uh! Uh! There you go.

Just got to... there it is. Uh!

Whoa, Tina. Good fight.

Good fight.

That was fun to watch.

Jairo says if there's any Capoeira inside me, he'll find it with enough classes.

Jairo knows a lot about life.

Hmm.

Jairo says he can hypnotize animals.

Shh.

But only if they want to be hypnotized...

Tina, shh shh shh shh.

Which they almost always do.

Tina!

Jairo says toothpaste insults your teeth.

Tina, go to bed.

Jairo only needs two hours of sleep a night because he regulates his heart.

Tina, get out.

Jairo sleeps with his eyes open.

Tina!

Jairo: Ok. Just follow my lead.

Sa! Sha! Brazil!

Sa! Sha! Brazil!

Jairo: Class is over.

We now have an hour of open practice time, which is completely optional unless you're serious about Capoeira.

Mm. Mm!

Mm! Mm!

Ho! Yah!

Oh, I'm definitely staying.

Jairo: Ah! Ho! Hih! Sa!

Tina is supposed to be here to cover the grill.

It's after 4:30.

She's at a kookaburra class.

Dad, the grill is doing that thing again.

Ach.

What is your problem with fire?

You know what? Go. Go away.

Go down and collect trash and bring it to the dumpster.

Does it have to be from around here, or can we go anywhere?

Just go. Yay! Yeah! Trash!

♪ Trash! Trash! Trash! Trash! ♪

Yesterday I found a necklace.

It's time for my afternoon meeting, you know, in the bathroom.

Your 4:30 meeting?

Yeah, my 4:30.

So go.

No.

Tina made a commitment to be here at a certain time.

I'm going down there to remind her that she has a job here.

Wait.

What about your meeting?

Well, I'm postponing it today.

Bob, you can't do that.

I'm gonna set a time for 10:30 tonight.

This is why I tell you, Bob, just have little meetings throughout the day instead of one big one, little poops.

Oof! Oh! That is horrible.

Wash your feet.

I have an infection.

Tina. Tine. Psst psst psst.

Dad, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be back at work, Tina, to cover me for my 4:30 meeting.

Dad...

Oh, hello.

Please remove your shoes.

Oh, I don't want to take off my shoes.

I'm just picking up my daughter Tina.

Oh, you are Tina's father.

Ola. My name is jairo, like "gyrate."

Ola. Mine is Bob.

Are you sure you don't want to stick around?

I enjoy helping elderly men repair their aging bodies.

Thanks, but I got a job I got to get back to, and so does Tina, plus I don't really dance.

Although Capoeira incorporates elements of dance, it is a highly dangerous form of martial arts.

Right. I'm sure it is.

It seems like a great way to stay in shape, like jazzercise.

Not like jazzercise.

Whatever you say.

Class, would you like to see a demonstration?

Come on, Tina.

Let's go right now.

Sha! Hyah! Sha! Hyah!

Ok, ok. I saw your movie.

It's very cute.

Hyah! Ponytail!

Hey! You can't do that.

You just hit me with your hair.

Ponytail!

Stop that!

Hyah! Sa! Huh! Oh! Uh-oh.

Dad, let's go. Come on.

Give me a second here.

What about your meeting?

I just had my meeting.

Right now?

Mm-hmm.

Uh...

Don't. Don't.

What do we do?

Grab me that flag.

No, dad.

Tina, we're gonna get out of there, all right?

Just let me think. Shh!

All right. I got an idea.

You go into the corner and yell.

What?

Go in the corner and start yelling like you're having a heart attack, and I'll run out.

Ok. Go. Go. Fast.

Wait. Come back..

I'm having a heart... what?

Don't... shh!

Don't do that.

It's a dumb idea.

Dad, I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, oh, are you?

I'm sorry because I'm not embarrassed at all because I just pooped my pants.

I would do this every day if I could, Tina.

Linda: No, no.

He's in the shower now.

Well, sometimes it's hard to feel clean after something like that happens.

It's very embarrassing.

Ok, kids.

Your father is very tender right now, all right?

Whatever you do, do not mention what happened today at Tina's class.

Just act normal.

So you pooped your pants.

Linda, let's not talk about it.

Wasn't a fair fight.

He's younger, and he's cute and strong.

Linda, this isn't helpful.

Hey, when you got to go, you got to go.

Linda, stop!

Are you on the phone with ginger?

No. I got to go.

Ha ha ha! Sorry, Bobby.

I'm not laughing at you.

I was thinking about ginger's dead cat again.

Louise: Dad, dad, dad.

Yes, Louise?

Dad, dad, hi.

Yes? Hi.

Did you know that it only takes two pounds of pressure to drive someone's nose bone into their brain?

That's... what?

Two pounds. That's it, dad.

Why are you telling me this, Louise?

Revenge.

♪ Revengeourine revengeourine revengeourine ♪


Bob: Cut it out, gene.

All right. Listen, everybody.

What happened today is in the past, and we're never gonna talk about it again ever.

I'm just glad Tina is quitting the class, right, Tina?

But my body needs it.

Your body needs to work in the restaurant with your father.

Ohh...Oh, fine.

If you need me, I'll be down here on the floor dying.

All right. Sounds good, honey.

Ohh...

You have to learn to groan right, Tina.

Ohh...

Hey, she groans fine.

It sounds weird.

So you groan, then, if you're so good at it.

Agh.

That's a groan?

Yeah. Agh.

I'll do it. Let me do it.

Agh.

Aagh... Aggggh... Ach...

Ahh... Meow meow... Aggggh...

Brr brr! Gg gg gg! Ohh...

Ohh...

Tina, enough already. Come on.

Louise: Tina, it's your boyfriend.

Oh, God.

Ola.

What do you want?

I got a message that Tina was very upset and needed to be encouraged to come back to the art of Capoeira.

A message? From who?

You're welcome, and...You're welcome.

Well, I'm sorry. Tina is busy.

She's working the grill.

It's ok. I'll wait.

Hmm. Ah...

Uh...Well...

What's wrong?

Well, I'm looking for your fresh-squeezed juice selection.

Is it on another menu?

Ahem.

Oh. Sorry. Here.

Yeah. Here it is.

This is the same menu.

Yeah, because we don't have fresh-squeezed juice.

[Imitating foreign accent]

Fresh-squeezed juice is stupid.

That is not how I talk at all.

Yes, it is. So it Capoeira.

It's stupid, ok?

Tina: Dad, stop.

Jairo: Oh, hello, Tina.

I didn't notice you. That's ok.

Is everything all right with you, Tina?

My dad won't let me train anymore.

Tina...

What?

It's because you made him poop in his pants.

Oh, my God.

Tina!

Bob, please. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

It is quite common for a wounded animal to make a bowel movement as he is defeated by a much stronger predator.

Hey, it wasn't you. It was 4:30.

Here, Bob.

Let me show you some very convenient sphincter-tightening exercises.

No, thank you.

Tight. Relax.

I don't want...

Tight. Relax.

Stop it!

Tight.

Don't do sphincter-tightening exercises in my restaurant.

Ok. Fine.

Thank you.

Gene: I'll be feeling this in the morning.

Hoo!

Bob: Gene!

Well, now my stomach is full of negative energy, so I've lost my appetite, which is just as well.

It's time for me to go to class.

Tina, you should come with me.

Remember, the troca de cordoes is next week.

The troca de cordoes?

What's the troca de cordoes?

I feel if Tina trains hard, she has the potential to receive a promotion to yellow cord.

Tina, listen to me.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm your father. Yes, Tina...

But I am your Capoeira instructor.

Wait. I'm going to class with you.

Tina, what are you doing?

Dad, you don't understand.

I understand you're grounded, effective right no.

Bob, let her go.

No.

She's grounded, Lin.

We all just need a minute to calm down.

Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

Dad. Calm down.

I'll go get her.

You get out of here!

You hear me?

Never look back!

You are dead to us.

Sorry, dad. There's no getting through to that one.

Thanks, Louise.

That was very helpful.

Big day.

Mm-hmm.

Big, big day.

Hmm...

The troca de cordios.

I know.

I know it's the troca de cordios.

I told you, I'm not going.

Ok. Fine.

I'm just gonna say one more time, I think that you should come support your daughter.

Linda, I just grounded her.

You let her go.

Bob, I'm sorry. Ok. Come on.

It's just a phase.

I know you're afraid your gonna lose your little girl.

That's sweet, but what'd you think, she's gonna spend the rest of her life standing next to you grilling burgers?

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha!

That's silly, spending the rest of her life standing next to me grilling burgers.

Of course not.

I mean, nothing wrong with it.

I mean, it would be fun.

♪ Tinarine, tinarine, cha cha cha, tinarine ♪
♪ Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, tinarine! ♪

We're ready.

Ok.

I'm coming.

I'm sorry, Tina. I'm not going.

I love this restaurant.

You can't abandon the things you love just because of sexy dance fighting.

If I were a hamburger, you'd come watch me fight.

Good job, Bob.

Gene, Louise, come on.

We're going to Tina's karate concert.

So you're not going to get revenge today?

No, Louise. I'm not.

Ok. Got it.

Then I won't bring your credit card, which I cut into a ninja star.

Oh, you cut my credit card?

Into a ninja star.

♪ Tambourine, tambourine ♪
♪ ninja star, credit card, tambourine ♪

Family drama at Bob's burgers, huh?

Bob. Bob. Bobby.

What, Teddy?

What's a troca de cordoes?

It's a ceremony.

It's like a graduation.

Oh.

Yeah, but this guy is a creep, and I got to stand my ground.

She made a commitment to this restaurant, period.

"Exchange of strands."

What?

I just looked up troca de cordoes.

It's portuguese for "exchange of strands."

Sounds momentous.

This very day, she's becoming a woman, exchanging her strands.

Wait. That's what it says?

Yeah. That's what it says.

It says she's becoming a woman?

Well, yeah. Take a look.

What you gonna do about it, Bob?

Doesn't say becoming a woman.

No. Read into it.

It says, "exchange of strands."

It's exchanging strands.

Has nothing about her becoming a woman.

What are you saying, Bob?

What are you saying, Teddy?

Just, if my daughter was becoming a woman, I would want to be there.

She's not becoming a woman, Teddy.

No, but if she was, I'm saying.

She's not my daughter.

You were the one who just said it again.

Get out. Get out, Teddy.

I want to pay my bill!

Get out of my restaurant!

I want to pay my bill.

There's your bill...

$4.16, pervert.

$4... pervert? Pervert?

Pervert.

Who you calling pervert?

It's written on the bill.

Here's your $4.16, Bob.

Best of luck.

There's a million restaurants I can go to.

Then go to them all, Teddy!

I'm sorry, Teddy. I get carried away.

No.

I blew my stack. I'm sorry.

It's just, she's growing up so fast.

Also, I crapped my pants yesterday.

Yeah. I know. I heard. Ha ha!

Listen. I got to close up shop.

I have somewhere to be.

So you really do have to get out.

Sha!

Uh...Ah...

Sha! Brazil.

That's my son.

Sha! Sha!

Oh, God.

Brazil! Sha!

Sha! Sha!

And I'm a... Brazil. Finished.

Congratulations, Neil.

You have earned your yellow cord.

[Applause]

Tina, you're next.

All right! Go, Tina!

You're doing great.

Hyah! Sa!

Hyah!

Mm. Mm.

So glad you came, Bobby.

She looks like she's having a good time.

Sa! Sha!

Mm. Mm.

Hyah! Brazil!

Mm!

Thank you.

The test is complete.

I'm sorry, Tina, but you have failed.

Have a seat.

The next student testing for her yellow corda is janelle.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. Wait.

Please do not interrupt the ceremony, Bob.

Just give her the stupid cord.

Can't you see how much this means to her?

I'm sorry, Bob, but she did not perform the 5 elementary motions, so she will not be receiving her yellow corda.

What? She did better than Neil.

That kid was a mess out there.

What? Hey!

Oh, you know it's true.

Tina did all 5 of the elementary weird motions, I think.

She did that one.

She did that one a lot.

Is this because I made you poop your pantalones?

This isn't about me.

It's about Tina.

Oh, is that what you think?

All right. That's it.

I'm taking a corda.

Ow!

Don't touch.

Ponytail!

Stop that.

Make me.

♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪

Nose bone!

Nose bone into the brain and skin him and wear him like a costume.

All right, Louise. All right.

All right. Here we go.

Bobby, don't do this.

I have to stand up for Tina.

But, Bob, look at the clock.

It's 4:28.

I know, Lin.

I know, and if I poop, I poop.

Oh, Bobby...

♪ Jairo, jairo, jairo, jairo, jairo... ♪

Sha!

Heh heh heh. Hold on.

I wasn't ready that time, so...

Brazil! Ponytail!

Ow!

Keep your sphincter tight, Bobby.

I'm ok, Lin.

Use this, dad.

Ow! Louise...

Ponytail!

Ow!

Oh!

Brazil!

Uh! Huh!

Hey, you want some more?

Um...

Hyah!

Ow!

Make him stop, mom.

Brazil!

Uh!

Tina, voice-over: Dad was right.

Jairo is just a jerk... a sexy, sensual, creepy, sexy jerk.

Go, dad! Come on.

♪ Dad, dad... ♪
♪ dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad... ♪

Thanks, Tina.

I got him right where I want him.

Ow.

Sha!

Ow! Enough. Ow!

Bob: Hey, nice form.

Thanks.

Sorry jairo knocked you down 25 to 30 times in front of everyone.

Yeah. Sorry I couldn't get your yellow corda.

It's ok. Thanks for getting beat up for me.

Anyway, I'm kind of interested in russian kettleball strength training now.

Don't make me watch this because I...

I'll show mom.

Yeah.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

You got a promotion.

Really?

I get a raise?

No...

But you get these yellow dish gloves.

I present to you your yellow gloves.

So much fun.

Well, we better get going.

Yeah. That dead seal down at the pier isn't gonna poke itself.

Wait, wait. Hold on.

You two are working today.

What? We're not on the schedule today.

Read. Learn how to read the schedule that you write.

Tina, honey, we're giving you the day off.

Go do something fun.

Do you know where this dead seal is?

What's that about?

Its a dead seal, mom. It's... a washed-up seal.

They go poke at it.

And we're gonna slap it.

It makes a great sound.

Then I sample the slaps.

Sounds like an orgy.

I like dead seals, but I think I'm gonna stay here instead.

I'm actually having fun at work today.

Besides, it's our father-daughter time.

Aww!

Sucker!

Gene, run.

Run, run, run, run, run to the seal!