s02e08 - Celebrate Me Scones

Okay, it's on! Maggie, Emma, you girls ready?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, Mrs. Harper! Mrs. Harper!

Make sure to get a close-up of our feet, okay?

[Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" starts]

Oh, my God. Where did you find this?

Yes, okay.

[laughter]

Whoo!

Oh, man, we've got the moves!

Oh, God.

Wait, are we both supposed to be Kevin Bacon?

I'm confused.

I think so.

Yeah, you're both Kevin Bacon.

You guys had a huge fight about it.

No, we didn't... we've never fought our entire lives.

Well, that's probably true.

Mags, you had the moves back then.

Look at that.

That's an early body roll.

Preacher's daughter? Where are you?

Zach, get out here!

Oh, man, yes! Yes!

I don't feel good about this.

I still don't feel good about this.

Why? You're a beautiful woman.

Oh, my God, look at you! You're cutting loose.

You had me play the most sexually promiscuous character in the whole film, and you made me wear mascara.

It wasn't right then, and it's not right now.

Well, I want to thank you for finding this.

This really lifted me out of a pretty dark place.

Yeah, has Mark not called you back yet?

Nope, and the perfect man I broke up with is probably crying himself to sleep.

Who, Rabbi Dan?

Oh, I saw him at the gym. He seems to be doing fine.

Oh, that's great.

There is one man who's never let us down.

Who?

One Mr. Kenny Loggins.

Oh, he's the soundtrack of our lives.

You guys think Kenny still has it?

Hmm?

You know, vocally?

Oh, I think we know in our hearts that he still has it.

And yet, how can we know for sure?

I mean, we've never seen him live.

That's just because he never comes to the greater Connecticut area!

[snorts]

What? Are you crying?

Or laughing?

What's happening? I feel scared.

Kenny Loggins is gonna be in Hartford tomorrow night.

What?

We're going to see him.

We are going to see Kenny Loggins!

Both: Oh, my God!

Kenny Loggins!

[girls screaming indistinctly] [laughing]

Both: Body roll, body roll!

[Say Hi's "Back Before We Were Brittle" playing]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪
♪ All of time stood still ♪
♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪
♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

I'm feverish. My throat is sore.

And I recently played a pretty intense game of Spin the Bottle with a group of deaf women.

Mononucleosis.

Yeah!

Whoo!

It is mononucleosis.

The deaf women were a red herring, and you didn't fall for it.

You're gonna nail this test.

Okay, but that was an easy one; stump me.

I have a burning sensation in the tip of my pen1s.

I recently leaned into a urinal too far, because I suffer from wiener shyness.

Gonorrhea. Whoo!

You know it's Gonorrhea!

Who has gonorrhea? I know it's not me, 'cause no one wants to have s*x with me.

Hey, just last week, you had two different guys fighting over you.

I know, and I ruined it!

Well, just go talk to Mark.

I am not going to the police station and begging him to talk to me.

Besides, you're the one who's getting it every which way.

It was one time.

She had s*x with Bruce.

Maggie!

What?

He's got a lot of good qualities.

Not to mention, sometimes a lady likes to get her body worked by somebody who's already been there, done that, you know?

[baby cooing]

No, no. I'll attend to Charlotte, as she will most likely be the only daughter I will know, because I will die alone.

Oh, my God.

If you'll excuse me.

That's not true. You're nuts.

Speaking of nuts... [phone chirps]

I have a chafing on the underside...

[gasps] Shut up, shut up, Zach.

Kenny's people wrote back.

What'd they say?

"Dear Ms. Caruso. We received your letter about your friend Emma. Kenny was so moved by the story of your friendship and the sacrifices Emma's made for you that he would like to dedicate a song to her at the concert!" Oh, my God!

She's gonna lose her mind!

We've got a small wrinkle.

What...

Which is that, well, we don't have tickets.

Wait, what? [stammering]

What do you mean, we don't have tickets?

He went on Kathie Lee and Hoda.

He took his shirt off.

I know that that man is in the autumn of his life, but my God, when that linen came off, it sure felt like summer.

The concert sold out in 46 minutes.

I'm gonna...

No, ow! Ow, ow!

You know what, get those tickets. You'd better get those tickets.

Ow!

Hey, look who it is!

She's up!

Hi, sweet girl!

You know what, guys?

I am gonna go talk to Mark, and if he doesn't want to talk to me, I'll give him a burning sensation at the tip of his pen1s.

Yeah! Attagirl.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

I'll light his... you know... on fire.

Okay, definitely don't do that.

But, if she did...

Stint it, support it, and salve it.

Good.

Hey, get those tickets.

Hey, Ian. Do you know where Mark is?

No, ma'am, I do not.

Okay, well, do you know when he's gonna be back?

I am not at liberty to say.

Okay, I don't know what kind of game y'all are running, but I'm not interested. Where is he?

No games, ma'am. Just simple police work.

Okay, you know what?

Breaker four four! This is paging Mark Rodriguez.

That's not plugged in, so...

Okay, just tell me where he is!

I can't.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, what's this?

Oh! You planning a little trip to Disney with Cindy and the girls?

No.

Oh, you're staying inside the property.

You can't stay inside, is what I'm told.

What I would hate is for the chief to find out that you were booking a "Breakfast With Ariel" on work time.

Okay, I give!

Okay, look... I'm not supposed to say anything, but... Mark is undercover.

Oh, give me a break, man!

It's true. He's embedded.

It's like a "21 Jump Street" situation.

I am not interested in your lies, okay?

So if you see Mark, tell him that he can have his stupid medal back, because if he is such a coward that he cannot call me back then I am not interested in talking... I'm sorry, Ian.

Ooh, you don't want to use that!

What?

It's covered in... evidence.

Ooh!

Ugh!

Not interested!

Argh!

I don't care if Mark calls me back.

He'd be lucky to have me.

Oh, please. Let him try to find somebody better, 'cause he can't.

Yeah. Thanks.

Okay, here we are.

What do you mean, "here we are"?

I thought you said the tickets were at the Will Call window?

Yeah, Janine Willcall. This is her window.

Somebody say my name?

Oh.

Hello, Madame, I believe you have a product of ours?

Who wants to know?

Uh, code name: Bernadette Peters.

Bernadette Peters?

What?

Hold, please.

Zach! What is happening right now?

I told you, the concert's sold out.

This is the only way I could get us in.

There's like 50 empty Big Gulps in her back seat, man!

Well, Ms. Peters.

Looks like I got the tickets, if you got the crickets.

Well, I have the crickets.

Hold up.

How do I know you're not the po-po?

Lift up your shirt.

I'm not with the po-po.

I just have a natural air of authority.

I've heard that before, and then spent the night in jail.

Pull up your shirt.

I bet it's white... aah! It is white.

This is humiliating.

Soft.

[makes popping noises] Okay, no, no, no.

Hey, get your hands off my brother and give us the tickets.

[indistinct]

No, no, no.

Hey!

Give us the tickets!

Get your hands off my car.

You just forced down a window.

Give her the money!

Get the tickets.

[squeals]

Oh, my God! I got one of her nails!

Keep it, sexy! You've just been Willcalled!

That is the slowest escape!

Doesn't matter.

We got the tickets. Let's just get inside.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, Lord in Heaven, no.

What is it?

What... Zach, no.

Two coupons for Chuck E. Cheese.

I mean, if you can't trust a woman named Janine Willcall...

[screams]

No! Bad!

Maggie, wait.

I'm... I'm so sorry!

Oh, God, she's so mad at you, she won't even yell at you.

That's how much trouble you're in.

We've wanted to see Kenny Loggins for 20 years.

I am not going to listen to him play "Danny's Song" from the parking lot. I just won't do it.

Okay, but you know what? Sometimes Kenny's nice just here in the open air.

Yeah.

Under the st... [gasps]

Well, it's been a while, Jandanna.

Quite a while.

I thought we burned that hat.

Oh, you think I got just one of these, you gotta be crazy! Ha ha!

You never know when you're gonna need ol' Bosephus to save the day.

This is such a betrayal.

You were keeping that hat in my car the whole time?

Oh, you know Bosephus loves the smooth, beautiful curves of the Toyota Camry.

Ugh. No.

Mm.

Okay, I am not interested.

Just like my girl Jandanna.

I told you to stop!

I do not know what you're planning, but I can tell you right now, I am not interested.

I'm getting us in to see Kenny, okay?

It's simple as that.

Bosephus, go back to whatever bait shop you ambled out of.

Now, Jandanna... fresh bandanna for you.

These beachy waves took me like an hour and a half!

Come on, you woke up like that, 鈾猣lawless.

You are on Twitter?

And as for you...

Why are you looking at me like that?

Jandanna, fetch the mascara.

Why, Bosephus?

We gonna have a... extreme makeover.

[Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" plays]

♪ ♪

♪ Revvin' up your enging Listen to her howlin' roar ♪

♪ Highway to the Danger Zone ♪

This is the plan, okay? See that truck?

We're gonna get something off it, pretend we're roadies, and go right in.

[English accent] Sounds like a right good plan to me, luv.

Wait, what is that accent?

Bosephus and I used to roll with the Stones.

Oh, my God.

I'd round up birds for Keith Richards to snog, right?

Blonde or brunette. A ginger.

He loved a ginger.

Just so you know, you both are crazy.

Crazy like a fox!

No, no, Maggie! Oh, God damn it!

Bosephus! Bosephus!

Oh, God.

[grunts]

How is she able to do that?

She's still breast feeding.

All right.

Rock out with your jock out.

What?

I don't have a jock. [whimpers]

I can't believe that worked!

Enough with the accent.

Please, can we just find Bosephus and get out of here?

Oh, no.

And, at that point, a lemur attached itself to my thigh.

And I said, "What the hell is a lemur doing at an AC/DC concert?"

[laughter]

Oh, that's one of your classic tales.

Bosephus, I hate to break up the party, but we gotta... we should probably...

Jandanna, we're in the middle of something here, so now's not a good time, but thank you for your kind counsel.

Okay, I just... I know you...

Woman!

What did I say? I said shut it.

All right, I'm in the middle of a story.

Okay, okay, guys.

Look, let's get back to work, all right?

Run this down to Kenny's green room for us?

Here you go.

What's that?

Those are "Ants on a Loggins."

Kenny likes to have pun-based snacks before a show.

Thank you for everything, and if you see a lemur, let me know.

Come on! Hey, hey!

Hey, you, string bean.

Take this to Pam?

Let's go, take it to Pam.

All right.

Pam.

Pam.

[tuning guitar]

[in normal voice] Your... your high E-string is flat.

Who the hell are you?

You're playing an E, right?

♪Eee ♪

[plays E on guitar]

Damn it, you got a good ear, Waldo.

Well, I have perfect pitch.

It's a gift and a curse.

Why would that ever be a curse?

Doorbells. None of them are right.

Take a load off, kid. Come on.

Yeah?

You got a real witchy energy and I like it.

You do, too.

[laughs]

All right, this is it.

"This is it"! That's one of his songs!

Get it together! Listen to me. We are going to go in there, we're gonna put down the "Ants on a Loggins," and walk out, right? No funny stuff, no freaking out.

Got it, no freaking out.

Okay.

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Why is there so much sheepskin?

And at the same time, why not?

Oh, my God, Emma. "Caddy snacks"!

Are you kidding me?

"Celebrate Me Scones"? This guy's a genius!

"I'm All Rice"?

"Foot-juice"! He's got "Foot-juice"!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna take a picture of you, having some "Foot-juice."

So delicious, just drinking "Foot-juice," in Kenny Loggins' green room!

They're gonna love this. They're gonna love this.

Who's gonna love it?

I don't know!

[both laughing]

Oh, my God, look at him here.

What's happening?

Look at him here.

He's so beautiful.

Oh, never looked better.

Take a picture of me kissing Kenny.

Okay.

Mmm, mmm!

I'm gonna tickle that goatee, Kenny.

How you feel about that? [laughs]

Yeah! [toilet flushing]

Wait, what was that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God, "Pooh Corner."

Oh, my God, he's in there.

Okay, where do we go?

He's in there!

He's in there!

Where do we go?

Where do we go?

He's in there, shut up.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

[humming and vocalizing]

Hey, guys.

What's up?

Hey there, Kenny.

Woodstock, 1994.

I'm tuning up Blues Traveler.

I got Counting Crows up my butt, and Sheryl Crow's rummaging through my Sprites.

Come on, man. That's not rock and roll.

Plus it's pouring down rain.

95% humidity.

You can't keep a Fender Stratocaster tuned in that kind of humidity.

The strings swell.

Everything swells.

So what'd you do?

Only thing I could do.

I stole a hair dryer from The Cranberries and I hotboxed the sucker.

I actually ended up getting electrocuted that day.

I still can't feel my right knee.

Spring band concert. Seventh grade.

The piece was "Flight of the Bumblebee."

Come to find out, the band director had a little problem with medical-grade caffeine pills.

I don't like where this is going.

Yeah, he set a tempo like a hummingbird's heartbeat.

[snaps repeatedly]

Most of the band dropped out right away.

Agi, the timpanist, tried to keep up, but a seizure took him down.

Parts of my lip are still completely useless.

But I had to finish.

Both: For the music.

You know, I'd really love to hear you blow your horn someday.

I think that can be arranged.

Are you touching my knee?

'Cause I can't feel that.

I'm squeezing pretty hard.

Thanks for the food.

Um... can I help you with something?

Uh, no, Mr. Loggins.

You enjoy these Caddy snacks, and we will... we'll get on our way.

Okay, good.

Kenny Loggins.

Mm, yeah.

Kenny Loggins.

Stop it, what are you doing?

You're Kenny Loggins.

Is he okay?

You know what it is? My partner here...

His tongue got stung by a mess of bees.

It messed up his brain.

Can I get a hug?

No, no, no...

No, you cannot.

Kenny, you've just meant so much to me...

I need you to stop saying things.

Every since I was a little girl...

Boy.

You know?

And when I was pregnant with my daughter, I used to play "Celebrate Me Home."

[laughing nervously] It was just such a sweet melody.

I'm getting confused.

I get it.

You're confused. We're all confused.

Because I'm not... I'm not a man.

I'm actually a woman.

No, Bosephus, no!

Security!

All right, now you done it.

Okay, this is a very large man.

You know what?

You're an American songbird.

You have a crystal clear voice!

Danger Zone! Danger Zone!

Ow!

That we need... no, hey!

You're not even a real cop!

I gotta get up to that concert, man!

Come on!

Well, this is great.

You just had to walk out, but no.

Instead, you lost your mind.

It was Kenny Loggins!

Can you keep it down?

I'm trying to take a nap.

Janine Willcall.

Are you kidding me?

Do I know you?

What do you mean?

You're the reason we didn't get to see Loggins!

Who cares? It's just a stupid concert.

I care!

God, he's probably reading that letter right now.

What?

The letter.

What letter?

The letter I wrote about you.

He's...

What are you talking about?

I wrote a letter...

Kenny was going to read it out loud and dedicate "Celebrate Me Home" to you.

Maggie! What was in the letter?

Just...

Well, I don't know if you know this, but today is the anniversary of the day that you came back to Pinebrook and gave up everything to help me when I really needed it, and I just...

Has it really been a year?

Yes, it has.

I just wanted to thank you, and...

[laughs] It didn't work.

What do you mean, it didn't work?

It didn't work! We're not up there!

He's reading it out loud and we're not even going to hear it.

Who cares?

I care!

I don't care!

I wrote a really good letter!

I know you did.

You write the best letters.

And can I tell you something?

This has been the best year of my life.

Yeah, me too.

Thank you, for letting me come in and be with you.

Are you kidding me?

I couldn't have done it without you.

I love you.

I love you.

[bleating sobs]

[bleating]

What's that sound? Is she crying?

I can't help it. [sobs]

Oh, my gosh, friendship.

I get it now, the importance of lady friendship.

Both: No.

Perps are in here?

Oh, come on.

Mark?

Are you kidding me?

What are you two doing here?

What is happening on the top of your head?

Why are you dressed like Shaft?

Why am I dressed like Shaft?

Are you "hunting wabbits"?

I'm undercover! I'm trying to break this scalping ring.

Oh, well, she's right here. This is your perp.

Take her into custody.

Hey!

I could not figure out what idiots were buying tickets from a woman named Janine Willcall.

Oh, that's interesting, because I was trying to figure out why you haven't called me back.

Okay, I'm on duty right now, so this is not the time or place for...

I went to the station.

I called you, and where have you been?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Thank you, Janine.

See? I'm pretty nice, after all.

Shut up.

I broke up with Rabbi Dan.

So...

I didn't ask you to do that.

Then what was all that you were saying to me the other night?

What did... what did "unless" mean?

"Unless" meant "unless."

Unless what?

Unless... unless...

Unless I can promise you that we're never going to hurt each other, like, ever in our lives?

Mark, I can't tell you that.

I cannot do this right now, all right?

Ma'am, you gotta come with me, please.

Mark!

I don't... hey!

Don't let me take this. We have a friendship bond!

No, we don't.

Mark!

Okay, these two are free to go.

I know I'm free!

My heart can't be caged!

I know why the caged bird sings and you can suck on this one!

All right, all right.

What did I just say? Sucking...

Can we go now? Can we go?

I don't like this hair!

I'm sorry, Em.

I just wanted you to have the night of your life, you know?

Oh, please. I think we've all done things we're not proud of.

What did I say to Mark?

Um, I think you quoted Maya Angelou, and said "Suck on this."

Oh, well, that's gonna be a tough one to bounce back from.

All right, should we head home?

You know what? Before we leave, why don't we get rid of that Bosephus hat once and for all?

I don't think so.

Oh, yes, we're going to.

No, we're not.

No, we're not.

Give me that hat.

You're not taking it.

Give me that hat.

Give it. Give me that hat... ow!

Stop grabbing!

Oh... ow!

Give it to me.

I'm just a sheltered preacher's daughter, looking for a couple of Kevin Bacons to take on the ride of their lives.

Zach, wh... how did you...

Oh.

Get on.

["Footloose" plays]

[indistinct chatter]

Come on back.

Mr. Loggins, we just want to apologize for that display earlier.

Yes, we did not mean to terrify you.

Or touch you.

Zach told me about our little misunderstanding.

Do you always dress like a man when you go to concerts?

No, sir. Just for you.

I'm honored.

So, I wanted to tell you that your letter really touched me.

Are you as amazing as she says you are?

Oh, I don't know...

100%.

Yeah, well, I think maybe I owe you a song, then.

Come on in. Oh, my God.

Both: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

And, um... [strums guitar]

♪Please, celebrate me home ♪
♪Give me a number ♪
♪Please, celebrate me home ♪

And then we go:

♪ Play me one more song ♪
♪Celebrate ♪

That's it.

Both: ♪Celebrate ♪
♪Celebrate me home ♪
♪Home, won't you ♪
♪Home... ♪

I'm gonna go low.

♪Celebrate ♪
♪Well, I'm finally here ♪
♪Celebrate ♪
♪But I'm bound to roam ♪

All: ♪Won't you celebrate me home ♪
♪Whoa, Kenny... ♪

Both: ♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Well, I'm finally here, ♪
♪ But I'm bound to roam ♪

both: ♪ Celebrate ♪

♪ Me home ♪

girls: ♪ Celebrate me home ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Please ♪

All: ♪ Celebrate ♪
♪ Me home ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

All: ♪ Please ♪
♪ Celebrate me home ♪

[strums guitar]

Kenny, thank you!

I love you, Kenny.

Can we hug you now, Kenny?

Oh, sure, come on.

Yes!

Bring it in.

Thank you.

Okay.

That was the craziest night of our lives.

We had a private concert with Kenny Loggins.

Oh, yeah.

And I had s*x on a bus.

What?

With who?

Oh, a gentleman never tells, but uh... her name was Pam, and she was electric.

Possibly because she was once literally electrocuted.

Oh.

Emma?

[Iron & Wine's "Each Coming Night" playing]

♪♪