TV Show Transcripts

04x27 - Three Stars and a Baby
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Author:  admin [ 06/29/20 10:27 ]
Post subject:  04x27 - Three Stars and a Baby

Up and at 'em, Woodchucks!

Bear attack!

Gwen, relax. There's no bear.

And you shouldn't be sleeping with a spear.

But my crossbow goes off too easily.

Why are you waking us up so early?

I told you last night, Woodchuck cabin has kitchen duty this morning.

Gotta help Chef Jeff serve breakfast.

I need ten more minutes.

Hey, Destiny, do you prefer mustaches or goatees?


Because if you go back to bed, you're waking up with one or the other.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Mornin', guys.

Thank you for coming to this important counsellors' meeting.

It is that time of the summer.

Is Finn already due for another flea dip?

He's not gonna like it.

But it is his own fault for not wearing the collar.

Tell him if he doesn't wear the collar, he's gonna get the comb.

And I meant, counsellor evaluations.

Give these forms to your campers.

Wait. Our nitwit campers are the ones doing our evaluations?

Maybe don't call them nitwits when you give them the forms they'll be using to judge you.

But, yeah, it's those nitwits.

"On a scale of one to three stars, how well does your counsellor enhance the camp experience?"

This is so silly. Right, guys?

It's important to check in midsummer to make sure counsellors and campers are a good match.

And if not, then maybe I'll be forced to make some changes.

All righty! Have a Kikitabulous day.

Hey, Lou. What do you mean by, "make changes"?

Hmm. You're not worried about Finn and Matteo are gonna grade you, are you?

Not really. My boys love me.

I'm gonna go give them the forms right now.


There's our main man!

All done. Passed the dumb evaluation with flying colors.

Hmm. Um... Ava?

Are you sure the girls filled these out?

Because Destiny always dots her I's with hearts, and Gwen signs official forms with her full name, "Gwen of The Woods Flores."

Well, look at you, knowing your campers so well.

Someone should be giving you a stellar evaluation.

Okay, bye.


These forms are a test of how good a counsellor you are.

Give these to Destiny and Gwen, and leave the completed forms in the director's cabin.

I'll probably be out with my Cousin Ronnie.

She recently moved to Vermont, and is coming to visit for the weekend... - Lou!

Oh, thank goodness.

Ronnie, I am so glad you're here.

And you brought Lily!


She's a baby, Lou, so you sort of have to take 'em everywhere.

But what about all the fun things you said you wanted to do, like going into town, getting a mani-pedi, watching a movie, grabbing some lunch.

I'm gonna do all that. Alone.

I need a break, after four hours in the car with the baby.

Also, the last eight months.

She's always there.

Like an adorable barnacle.

Well, who's watching the adorable barnacle?


We have the rest of the weekend to catch up.

But I thought it would be nice for Lily to spend some quality time with her Auntie Lou.

"Auntie Lou"? But we are second cousins many times removed. Legally, can you even leave her with me?

Oh! You're family.

You can do this.

You have to do this.

Okay. Sure.

I love babies.

It is not like I am horribly afraid of them at all.

Thanks for this, Lou. Call if you need anything.

But please don't call.

Oh, no. She can smell my fear.

Do you guys think it's weird we have these useless bunk beds in our cabin?

They're not completely useless.

They make a great spot to hide a drawer of toenail clippings.


Noah's right.

Someday, maybe this camp will be at max capacity.

But it the meantime, we should try to come up with a better use for this space.

Fine. I can take a hint.

I'll hide my clippings elsewhere.

Don't follow me.

What if we turn this area into a science lab?

To answer the universe's great questions.

Or turn it into a rehearsal space and answer the greatest question.

"To be or not to be?"

See what I did there?

Well, maybe we should find something to put in here that works for all of us.

I think I know the perfect thing.

This was out behind the shed. What do you think?

She's glorious.

Boats and vending machines are always referred to as "she."

Don't worry. I think I can get it.

Uh-oh, I think I'm caught on something.

Of all the days to see if I can make a bracelet work.

Relax. I'll get you free.

Yup. I'm stuck too.

Saw that train speeding towards me from a mile away.

Why couldn't you just have picked something from the bottom row?

Because the bottom row is nothing but empty calories.

Okay, we need to calm down and think.

Yes. We're both smart enough not to die in a vending machine.

I know we can come up with an elegant solution to this problem.


There are my two amazing campers.

As always, it warms my heart to see you.

Who are you, and what have you done with Ava?

Distract the changeling while I go for my spear.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, you two tickle me.

That's why I wanted to give you some "no strings attached" gifts.

Your favorite scrunchie?

Anytime I even ask to borrow it, you say, "Over my cold, dead body."

We do have fun, don't we?

And for you, Gwen of the Woods...

My official title, this must be big!

I thought long and hard about what you might like and came up with a rock.

One I've been admiring for weeks. How'd you know?

Thanks, Ava.

Yeah, thanks.

It's nothing. And, hey, maybe now you two can fill out these dumb counselor evaluation forms.

Or not. No presh. But do it. Ta-ta.

Does anything seem strange to you?

Yeah. This rock is much lighter than I imagined.

I guess it's true what they say, "Never meet your heroes."

I think Ava's trying to bribe us with these gifts to give good reviews.

Okay. But Ava's a great counsellor.

She deserves good reviews.

And she'll get them.


Ah, I see.

I lied. I don't.

Ava's given us all the power.

Let's see how far we can take it.

Gwen, what else does your heart of hearts desire?

I don't know. This rock was really the last thing on my bucket list.

But now that it's in my bucket, maybe I can think of something else.

Oh, a new bucket.

What? Babies cry. Keep giving me the stink eye, and I'll make sure you do too.

Wait! No, I'm sorry. Don't leave me alone with it.

Lou, who's this?

It's Lily. She's my cousin's.

So, if this is your cousin's baby, and I'm your cousin...

No, I know what you're thinking, but Ronnie is my cousin on my dad's side.


This is my grandma?

Maybe I didn't know what you were thinking.

What's wrong, little lady?

I don't know.

I think I'm just a little on edge with all the crying and the...

Oh, you meant the baby. Sure. Sure.

It's a miracle.

Finn, clear your schedule. You are my baby whisperer for the rest of the day.

Sure. I can do that.

How are you so good with babies?

I just get them.

We immature minds understand each other.

I was in diapers till I was eight.

I know. I went to your swim meets.

Guys, you're supposed to be setting up targets for archery class.

Oh, are we? Sorry, I was just filling out my evaluation.

"On a scale of one to three stars, does your counsellor provide you with sufficient free time?"

Oh, you haven't finished filling that out yet?

Not yet. Right, Gwen?

It just takes time to get a handle on that complex three-star grading system.

You know what, you two enjoy your free time.

Let me set up the archery targets for you.

And it would be great if you could grab some lunch for us on your way back.

Gwen, is there anything else you'd like to add for Ava?

A picnic lunch would be nice.

A picnic? You've got a lot of...

Great ideas there, Gwen.

I will gladly set that up for you.

And to think I gave her a rock.


We really do have all the power.

Is this what it feels like to be immortal?

Today, we picnic on the bones of our enemies, and drink the forbidden waters of the River Styx!

It's gonna be egg salad and a juice box.

Then I hope there's no onions!

This is even more genius than our last idea.

A relaxation atria.

Outside, you have to deal with all the bugs, pollen, heat.

Don't forget about the wind.

How could I?

You don't spend an hour making your hair look this good and ever forget about the wind.

Let's give the great outdoor indoors a whirl. Who gets to go first?

Not as relaxing as I thought.


You know how to change diapers too?

When I turned five, my mom told me I needed to start changing myself.

Want me to teach you? No.

I already know how to change myself.

And the truth is, I'm kind of afraid of babies.

She isn't going to bite.

You're thinking of sharks.

No. I'm afraid I'll hurt her.

Babies are so tiny and fragile, and if I hold one, I'll do something wrong.

How do you know if you don't try?

I know because I did try. With you.

When you were a baby, your parents brought you to our farm for a visit, and even let me watch you for a bit, but while I was babysitting you, you started to cry a lot.

Sounds like me. I'm a sensitive boy.

So I raced to the kitchen to get you a bottle, but when I opened the fridge door, I bumped you. Pretty hard.

So what? It was just a dumb accident.

And look, I turned out flurn.


I think you'd be great with babies.

You should try again.

Hard pass.

I just need your help until Ronnie gets back.

She's asleep.

Just make sure she doesn't roll into a pillow.

I'll be right back.

Wait, no, you can't go.

She'll be out for a while.

I just want to grab my collection of shiny objects that are impossible to swallow.

I know Lily will love them as much as I do.

I don't think he is flurn.

Gwen, don't gut fish here.

Really regretting giving you that new bucket.

I understand, Ava.

"On a scale of one to three stars, how well does your counsellor encourage your interests and hobbies?"

You know what, I changed my mind, breathing's overrated. Carry on.

What fresh nonsense is this?

Destiny, take it all down.

It looks like a unicorn exploded in here.

Hmm. That does not sound like a three-star performance in "supporting my creative endeavors."

My hand is cramping up.

Ava, I need you to gut the last dozen fish.

Remember, really hook that mouth and rip.

Don't be afraid of that splatter.

Okay, girls. You've had your fun.

But I think it's time to fill out those evaluations.

Lou wants them by the end of the day.

Oh! Well, maybe you should tell Lou we need an extension then.

Yeah. It would be really terrible if we were so rushed that we only had time to fill out one star per question.

What more do you guys want from me?

Are you ever gonna do what I say again?

Sure we will. If it's what we want to do.


And I just thought of something I really want to do.

Lou, I quit.

You quit? What? Why?

Why do you look like you want to tie me to some train tracks?

The girls keep going on...


Lower your voice.

Sleeping baby.

Destiny and Gwen are never gonna give me good evaluations, and I'm tired of trying...

Hey! My eyes are up here.


I just want to twirl it.

You're gonna make changes, so I thought I'd just quit before you could fire me.

Ava, calm down.

I just said that thing about making changes so everyone would take the evaluation seriously.

But I've completely lost control of my campers.

Changes or not, if these forms were a test of how great a counsellor I am, then I failed.

No, you didn't. Forget about the forms.

That's what I wanted to do...


Quietly tell me what happened.

Because you are a great counsellor, and I know the girls love you.

I used to think so too.

But they've been tormenting me all day, even though I've been super nice, and I've done everything they wanted.

Yeah. Well, looks like we found the problem.

Since when do you make the girls behave by being nice?

What would be the Ava way of handing this?

I don't know. Use deceit and manipulation.

There you go.

"The Ava way."

I guess I could do that. It is named after me.

And remember, you're an amazing counsellor that I would never, ever dream of firing.

Thanks, Lou.

You're fired!

This is the perfect thing for us.

Yeah! It was never about what we wanted.

It was about what we needed.

And we need to get ripped.

Being too weak to escape a hammock or a vending machine is a real wake-up call.

You go first, and I'll spot you.

What does it mean to spot someone?

Not a clue.

Hey, guys! Cool muscle-maker set. I'm gonna try.

Clang and bang!

If the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending!

I heard my meathead uncle say that once.


Uh-oh, he's having trouble.

I see that. No. I spot that.

I think that's what it means.

How much does this thing weigh?

It says, "Two poods."

Huh? I'll look it up.

So a pood is a Russian unit of measurement, and one pood is equal to 40 funt.


I don't give two poods! Get this thing off of me!


Ava, what are you doing?

Packing. I've been transferred to another cabin.

What? Why?

When I asked Lou for your extension, she made me explain what was happening. She said I'd lost control of her beloved Woodchucks.

So she demoted me to Trout Cabin.

No! We never wanted that.

Neither did I!

All those girls ever want to do is swim.

Or flop around on the dock till you throw 'em back in the water.

I can't believe Lou would do this.

Yeah, well, believe it.

She even taught me the trout salute.

But you can't go! We love you.

And we didn't tell you, but we finished our evaluations.

Look. Perfect scores.

I think it's too late for that now.

There must be something we could do.

Maybe it'll help if you write some flattering comments about me.

We can do that.

Uh, Ava makes me want to be a better camper.

She's the best ever.

Ava takes better care of me than the pack of wolves that helped me survive the winter of 2017.

This is good.

But to show Lou I really haven't lost control, you've got to do your kitchen duties.

Set up the archery targets.

And get me a snack.

How does that last bit help?

You're right. It's not use.

Just help me pack!

We'll do it! One snack coming up.

I'm back, baby.

Ah, Finn, the baby, the baby! Do something! The baby!

It's okay. I got her.

What happened to your arms?


You can tell I've been pumping iron.

Do my pythons look mad jacked?

How sore are they?

Just a little.

Okay, maybe a lot.

How can you pick up Lily like this?

I can't. So you'll have to.

I don't know if I can.

Lou, enough!

I know you can do this.

So stop being a baby and cradle that baby.

Well, look at you with the tough love.

I work out.

Support the neck.

There you go.

It's working.

Now, try bouncing her a little.

You did it.

Thanks, Finn. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please go.


Hi, Lily.

It's me.

Don't worry. I am your Auntie Lou.

Check you out.

You're a natural.

Well, I love babies, and I'm not horribly afraid of them at all.

Oh, it's weird that you keep saying that.

Taking care of a baby is tough, but I do love it.

And I really was starting to miss my little girl. May I?

Oh, could I actually hold her for just one more minute?

Of course.

Okay. I'm good now.

Do you feel better?

Do you feel better?

It takes real wisdom to realize that sometimes the best change is no change at all.

A napping corner is the prefect use for this space.

Now, we have a place to lie down during the day, without messing up our nicely made beds.

Hey, Noah. We set up the benches for your improv class.

What's going on with your faces?

I tried to power play with Ava and lost.

But the good news is, I think I can use this to vote in the next election.

And I just wanted to know how I look in sick burns.

I think I make 'em work.

Speaking of work, I better go re-stock the other supplies, before I end up with a unibrow.


So, shall we give our big brains a much-deserved recharge?

Let's break in the napping corner.

I call bottom bunk.

But I'm afraid of heights! Dang it!

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