s02e05 - Clubnight

This programme contains strong language.

I'd like to welcome you to the grand opening of my very first nightclub.

I now declare Champagne Steam Rooms officially open!

Oi! Whoa! Bloody hell.

Ah, sh1t! Oh, for...

I didn't know it was red.

Oh, the armadillo skin shoes are ruined as well - cheap wine all over the bastards.

This is it, guys. Let me go first. Let me go first.

Welcome! Ahh! Jesus. Yes!

f*ckin' speakers!

Ah, look at the sound system!

Guys, guys, welcome to my super-club.

Look at that - smoke machine... for the steam.

Oh, that is perfect. Look, wait, look.


Ohh! That is sick.

This is going to be where, like, everyone's going to push through to get towards me, and I'm on stage like this, with you as well, like that, yeah?

And everyone's like, "Ah, can I can touch, man?" and that, and I'm gonna be fully dripped in Moschino, like...

A-a-a-and...where is the VIP, cos I cannot see anything?

Oh, VIP! Come through, guys.

Welcome to the V-I-P.

Ah, gold chairs, yeah? Wow.

Phew! A little taste of how the other half live.

One of the main things that you need sorted when you've got your own club night, yeah, is just a room you can go and chill out and just get away from all the hectic fans and that.

Green room.

Well, it can be any colour.

And it's just got, like, champagne in ice buckets, pre-rolled zoots...

Ooh, what about them lovely sausage rolls Miche did for your packed lunch the other day?

We don't need...

Yeah. Yeah?

Few sausage rolls to line the stomach before we kill the set.

Shall I bang it on the list?

Whack 'em on the list, yeah, yeah.


This is very much a team-based area, so no-one else will be allowed in.

Please back off, guys. All right?

Yeah, cos we're better than them!


Am I better than everyone?

I doubt it, to be honest, Steves.

Can I just...?

Stevie, I've got a job for you if you want - you can make another tenner if you want?

Steves, I just thought, you are part of the team, so you can come in...

Cool, man. ..but just you'll very much have to stand, still.

Cool. I'll just stand. Yeah.

Still, though - red carpet treatment.

Let me show you the bar!

Let me show you the bar, come on.

There's a bar?

Come through, come through.

What's the bar's name, Decoy?

Welcome to the Champagne Cocktails!

Oh, f*ck off! f*ck off!

What is that?

Shut up, there's sand here!

Hey, guys, what cocktail do you want?

I think that's probably you done now, actually. Is it?

Susan's only got one customer left, so... OK.

Actually, Miche... can I have a quick word?

Oh, Tanya, sorry - is it about the hair straighteners?

Cos I was borrowing them cos me and Angel were trying out some Rihanna looks on her....

No, don't worry about that.

It's actually about your contract.

You know your probation period is up now?


And... we'd like to offer you the position full-time! Really?!

Yes! Ah, amazing! That's so great!

Is Angela going to be full-time as well, then?

Actually, Angela's going back to college - that's sort of why we...

Sorry, sorry, so just to confirm...

I've got the job but Angela has not?

Yeah, it's just you...

Oh, God. And she's been here longer than me. Oh, dear.

OK. Obviously, you don't have to say yes right now. Yeah.

Have a little think about it tonight. Let me know tomorrow. OK?

Yeah. Definitely. Amazing.

Thank you, Tanya, this is brilliant news. Yeah.

I'll probably need to go home and check with my boyfriend... Fiance.

Fiance, yeah.

But I'm sure he'll be really happy about it, so it's brilliant.

Nah, the strands are too thick.

Miche? Ah, thank f*ck you're back.

I'm trying to get these strands right, but I can't get 'em spot-on like you.

I got the job, baby!


Yeah, I'm full-time now at Lavender!

Yeah, I thought you already had a job?

No, I've been on probation for the last two weeks, remember?

Is it? Come and do this, please?

To be honest, Miche, I reckon you don't even need a job cos, with all this rave sh1t going off, I reckon you should focus just on my hair from now on.

So, um... Yeah, no-one can get it done like you, anyway, so it's better off that way, innit?

'Nah, I ain't happy Miche has got a job.'

Like, to be honest, she's showing herself up and she's showing me up.

Cos it's embarrassing, innit?

Like, one of the highly-skilled MCs in the area, yeah?

Like, top boys out here, and his missus is working.

Look at the Premiership footballers...

But you don't earn as much as they do.

No, but one day I will earn more than them.

If I want.

Chabuddy G is back on the London party scene.

I AM the bloody London party scene!

Lock up your daughters. Lock up...

Actually, no, don't lock up your daughters.

Lock up your mother, lock up your aunties and any other women of legal age limit!

Chabuddy G, aka 50 Shades Of Brown, is ready for action!

What's that? What's that?

What's going on up here?

Nah, nothing.

Craig's letting me use his Lynx.

He's actually perfected the perfect blend. Yeah?

So is it just two sprays of Excite?

No, no, no. One spray of Excite...

..two sprays of Dark Temptation...

And then, the last bit, just a mist of Africa.

Let me try that.


Thank you.

Yeah. Perfect.

Now I've got a man who smells exactly the same as my son!

I was just wondering - should I bring my expandable truncheon, do you reckon?

Yeah, definitely, I want you both to have a good time. Yeah?

Yeah, and if any gurning 19-year-old gets out of hand...

Smash! Boom! Back of the knee.

When he's down, I'll just go, bang!

Upwards, bring them back up.

So are you looking forward to the rave?

This might sound awful, but I'm really hoping something kicks off, cos that'd really make my night.

And then I'd get right round his neck, right round.

'So I'm sort of looking forward to it, but I'm, er... I'm a bit, you know...'

Imagine a whole warehouse of THEM.

You hurt my collarbone, man.

You always take it too far.

Just got a bit excited, love.

Miche! Door!

No, I'm getting ready.

I thought you were supposed to be gone already.

Miche, there's a homeless woman at the door.

What?! Well, shut the door then!

Little twat.


Even Angel says I'm better than you.

I like your top. Thank you, darling.

So, um, you sure you'll be able to get the bus on your own?

Yeah, it's fine, cos Mum's got to do my hair first - it takes...

All right, cool.

Well, you are on the VIP list.

So you'll be right at the top.

Could you put me down as Lady Miche?

Just cos that's my Twitter name so...sounds classier. Yeah.

It does sound pretty classy, yeah.

All right, cool.

Well, um...Decoy's outside, I better go, cos he's downstairs right now.

So, yeah, see you later. Bye. Bye.

Shadom-badom-badom-shidda-bidda-bom, shadom-badom, r-r-r...

Ah, what's the other one?

It's a better one.

Er, badbiggidyboy.

Badbiggidyboy-gidyboy-gidyboy, biggidyboy-brr-brr-gidyboy.

Vocal warm-ups.

Mind out the way, VIP coming through.

Yeah, f*ck off!

See you in a bit. See you in a bit, yeah?

All right, love, yeah.


Try Me Out By Sunship This is sh1t!

There's hardly anyone here.

It's half 11, there's meant to be a sea of people everywhere, what the f*ck are we going to do?

Don't you let that little mug, right, tell you what you should do with your life.

If you want to do it, you should just go for it, all right?

Yeah, Yolo. But also, you know, you have been divorced four times...

Oi, oi! Three times, if you don't mind.

Yeah, and we're talking about you.

Yeah. You don't need anybody, yeah?

Chelle, you are beautiful.

Thanks, Mum. You know what?

I'm going to call her.

I'm just going to do it. Are you?

Yeah What, right now?

Yeah. All right.

I'll pour us a drink.

Go on, then.

Talk, like...

Talk nice and everything.

Yeah, I'll do my posh voice.

Do your telephone voice! Yeah.

Oh, it's ringing.

If it goes to answerphone, put it down.

Hi, Tanya!

Oh, God, sorry.

Oh, did I wake you up?

Sorry, I'm drunk. Yeah, no, I didn't realise what time it was.

Yeah, well, I was just calling to say that I will take the job!

We can talk about it more tomorrow.

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, no problem.

Yep, no, sleep well. Yeah. No...

"Sleep well"!

You just woke her up, you prat!

Cheers to the new job!

To you, darling. To you and me.

And Angel.

And Angel. To Angel.

And your new boyfriend?


How was it when you went to go and see him?

He's nice. I mean, he's well fit.

Is he? 18.


Wow, that's the youngest yet, isn't it?

Not really.


There's not even a champagne bucket.

What...? Excuse... Why is...?

Why is there people walking through the VIP bit?!

The toilet's just there, mate.

That's ridiculous! It stinks!

Do you know if I'm meant to wipe them?

What's that? Do you know if I'm supposed to wipe them?

Whatever you're comfortable with, Steves.

Oi! Tell them no sh1tting!

No sh1tting. No sh1tting.

No sh1tting? All right.


I'm gonna go chat to Chabuds.

Yeah, sort it out.

Just to say that there's actually a no-shitting rule now, so if you've started, just kind of clench.

Or just suck it back in.

You all right?

Not really.

Have you got a bucket for the champagne?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I was going to give you that, actually.

Here you go, ice bucket.

That's just a bucket.

Yeah, no, it's a gold bucket, mate - turn it round!

It's a champagne bucket! Exactly.

Cheers, mate. You're the man, bruv.

See ya in a bit.

Got the champagne bucket.


Friendly Pressure by Jhelisa Can I get a water, please, mate?

We don't actually do waters, but, um...

Actually, yeah, why not?


Waters are £3.

I can do you two for £5.

Yeah, mate.

You want them?

Yeah, mate.

Two bottles of water, yeah?

OK, two bottles of water.


There we go, mate, that's £5.

Cheers, mate. Cheers.

We could call a few people, get them to come down.

Nah, I ain't doing that!

That's just...

Do you know what?

This is all YOU, mate.

Cos you f*cked up the promotion by f*cking off with Craig on your little fishing trip.

Don't talk about Craig.

He's got a heart of gold.

Oh, yeah?

"Don't talk about Craig," yeah?


I tell you what, why don't you and Craig go f*cking do a set to, like, three, four people or whatever?

Cos I ain't f*ckin' doing it.

Get the f*ck out my way.

You got a light, bruv?


What's all this about, then?

Oh. They was meant to be filming me MC-ing in there, but...

f*ck off. What?

You MC Grindah!?

Er, yeah.

Mate, I beg you, let me get a picture. Yeah, yeah.

Oi, Aaron, you got your phone?


Throw your Ks up as well. Yeah.

Get the champers in there.

You get it?

Are you nervous about telling Grindah that you've taken the job?

I think I just need to tell him that he's wrong.

There's this thing now on social media and it's called feminism, and it's just basically all about women, you know - we're all equal.

So why can't we wear the trousers too?

Although, of course, it does depend on your physique.

Cos if you've got an apple-shaped body, then you really need to conceal the trunk and let your legs do the talking.

My Love by Kele Le Roc Straggler.

Let's get out of here, me and you.

Let's get out of this place.

Can I just get a cocktail, please?

Yeah, no worries. No problem.

We can start with a cocktail first.

Oh, whoa - what you got there?

The old Jack and Jills is it?


f*ck it - have one, innit.

I'm all good.

What, you don't get on it?

These ones are banging, mate, trust me. I ain't some mug!

Yeah, no, I do get on it, just cos I've got this so I'll probably be full off that.

I do do them, obviously, but more after the set if anything, so...

Oh, I'll have one.

Cheers, mate.

Oh, these ones, are they?

Oh, good.

Did you take it?

Yeah, I-I took it.

Give me another one, then, if you don't believe me.

You actually want me to do another one?

Just do it, mate.

Yeah, I will just do it.

On my tongue.

Steves! I'm just going to see if I can find Grindah.

Cool, man.

Turn them out for me.

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

All right, Roche? All right, Miche?

How are you?


You're looking lovely.

You too. Yeah, great.

So I'm on the VIP list.

Oh, that's all right, there ain't a VIP list - you can just go in.

So I'm down as Lady Miche on the list.

OK, no, there's no list, you can just go in.

Deep Inside by Hardrive Can I ask you a question?


What kind of guys do you like to have s*x with?

Ah, no worries. Can I help you?

Decoy. Have you seen Grindah?

How was that for you? All right?

Do you want a little zhuzh under the armpits?


Put that roll-on down, mate, we've got to find Grindah.

There you go, mate - all fresh, good to go. Steves!

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, man.

Ah, nice one! Sick.

Got anything in your pockets, or...?

Roche, have you seen Grindah?

Oh, yeah, he came out earlier - was all pouting and sulky.

I didn't see where he went cos I've been dealing with these nonces.

Seen his hair?

What the f*ck is that on his hair?

Like a walknut on his head.

Like a Shoreditch samurai.

Right, Steves, you do a lap of the warehouse, yeah?

I'm going to hit the high street.

Grindah! Grindah!

Oh, my God.


What's wrong?

Ah, bruv... Bruv?

f*ck, it's pounding - my jaw's all weird. I've taken a pill.

You all right?

I've never done one before.

Argh! Oi, don't film me like this!

Let's just sit you up.

Sit me up where?

Hug your knees. Hug your knees.

That's a little technique I've learned. Ohh...

Feel that? Feel that?

How's that? How's that?

Ah, that actually feels better, actually.

Yeah? That's all right isn't it?

Feels better. That's all right.

Go on, just pop yourself up, we're going to have positive energy.

That's it, you're with friends.

You're with friends.

Just hold onto me, that's it - positive energy, positive energy.

That's all right, that's all right, that's all right.

Don't worry, that's all right.

Ugh... How's that now?

Eh? Oh... How's that now?

That's better, innit?

Ah yeah, f*cking...

That feels a lot better actually.

See that? That's all you needed, just a little release there.

Thanks for that.

Cool, man. Where's Beats?

You got a tissue?

This feels banging!

It Ain't Enough by Artful Dodger Right, Fanta, this is your time to shine, brother.

You've earned this. Ready?

I'm ready, man.

Oh. Wait. Grindah!

Don't need you now, pull back.

Grindah! Bruv, you all right?

Well, f*cking sick.

Have you seen the crowd?

It's sick. They're all here for me!

Take one of these. Do it.

Banging. A little fan gave it to us.

All right, f*ck it.

Livin' la vida loca, yeah? Trust me.

Who's ready for the world famous... best MC in the world, MC Grindah, right now?

'Brentford's just the start.'

Yeah, after that, the world is our oyster.

We got Plymouth. Yeah.

Chinchester... Yeah?


'I mean, next thing you know, probably get Ayia Napa on the phone like, "Oh, you lot are killing it!"

Like, "Do you want to come out to Ayia Napa?"

Like, "We'll pay you bare money, fly you out, get you a hotel, all-inclusive... Well, not necessarily all-inclusive food but definitely a breakfast buffet," like. Yeah.

'Most important meal of the day, innit?'

G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D Baddest MC in the Industry B to the E to the A to the T And the S, and the yes, and the "We are the best!"

B to the E to the A to the T To the S, and the yes And the "We are the best!"

K to the U-R-P to the T Kurupt FM is the Family K to the U-R-P to the T Baddest MC in the industry Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

Who's that brother with the blue suede shirt?

One water please, babe.

For you, pretty lady, I'll do you a special price.

£2 and you get a free straw as well.

Thanks so much! No, you're welcome.

Stevie, come on, mate.

I'm going to DJ in front of everyone. Selecta!

Come on, Steves. Selecta!

N-I-K-E The brand that I'm wearing, you see It's the A-double-D-I-D-A-S Are the trousers that I possess R-double-E-B-O to the K R-double-E-B-O to the K R-double-E-B-O to the K That's the trainer that I wear every day.

When I say, you say, we say, they say MAKE SOME NOISE!

When I say, you say, we say, they say MAKE SOME NOISE!

When I say, you say, we say, they say MAKE SOME NOISE!

When I say, you say, we say, they say MAKE SOME NOISE!

Sit upon the riddim when I sit up on the riddim!

Sit upon the riddim when I sit up on the riddim!

Sit upon the riddim when I sit up on the riddim!

Sit upon the riddim when I sit up on the riddim!

You've got a really nice face.

Thank you very much.

You have a beautiful face as well.

I like a woman who's not afraid to sweat.

She's been up here ten times, asking for "water". Right(!)

I think she's sniffed out the fact that this is my club, you know?

A classy lady like that, she can smell success from a mile, mate.

And right now, I bloody reek of it.

Hey, hey, hey!

Wiv di riddem and the ride All pon di riddem wit the roughneck style Watch the man go cronk, baby Badboy Grind When they come at me they gon sit down beside Casually pull me out Suck me off then bounce Yes, MC Grindah comes back for the F*ck*r!


Oh, my days, all on that ragga sh1t.

I love that ragga sh1t, man.

I've got a Jamaican soul, so like...

Don't matter, boy I've got MC Grindah Takin' the mic We're gonna be there Who's then got the riddem and the burst of the light?

On time, the Beats His name down beside me.

Oh, my days.

Hey! Hey, listen!

Miche, I sees ya!

Lady Miche, big up! I see you, yeah?

You do everything for me - you even put me before your job, and I f*cking love you for that.

Hang tight, my gorgeous son, Craig!

Somewhere in here with bare girls, like getting noshed off.

Slammin' the pussy.

I sees ya, Craig. Daddy sees ya.

Big it up.


Whoa, gosh.

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

I'm going to do a stage dive!

I'm going to do a f*cking stage dive!

Grindah's going to do a stage dive!

That was really amazing!!

They f*cking love me, yeah?

Worship me!

Look, I wanted to talk to you about the whole job thing. What?

The job thing. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, don't worry about that.

Everything I said earlier, yeah?

Forget that.

You take that job - that's you, cuz!

Oh, OK. I will then, I'll take it.

Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking, yeah, being up there, I feel like we could do anything together!

We can, like, get on a plane and just live in the hills of Jamaica in a farm and get married, with a dog.

Get married? Huh?

Ah, it's more the Jamaica thing, not necessarily...

Are you proposing??


Sort of, like...

Yeah, f*ck it - why not?


Yeah, as long as we don't have to get married for a long time, we might as well, innit?

You going to kneel down?

Yeah So you just go down like that.

Ah. It's quite intense.

I do!


I do!



Did you lot see me stage dive in there?

Your face is so amazing.

Yeah, I actually moisturise with almond butter.

Is your whole body soft?

Well, I'll tell you one part of my body that isn't soft!

Don't go anywhere.

Grindah. Yeah, man?

I'm sorry about being defensive earlier.

It's just cos of Craig and that.

Like, you know what it's like being a dad.

Nah, don't even try that, brother.

I'm sorry, bruv.

Craig opened up to me the other day, like, he called me "Dad", so...

Are you serious?

Bruv, that's f*cking sick. Yeah.

Eh, come here, you f*cking sickhead.

Ah, man, that's what I'm saying about you, man.

You know I proposed to Miche earlier, sort of like by mistake?

But I feel all right for doing it.

Phwoar. That's amazing, man!

That's what it's about, though, innit?


It's all about family and that.

It's true.

It's f*cking true. Always.

Hello, mate, there's a no sh1tting rule tonight but apart from that...

This is what having your own club does to people!

She can't bloody get enough, mate!


All right, mate?

So, Steves, can you do me a favour, mate?

Can you take over on the bar for a minute, yeah?


I've pulled, mate! Yeah.

And I think, yeah...

I think she might be really special, this one.

She does seem nice, man. Yeah.

Cheers, Stevie. Cool.

The return of the queen!

What? Shall we boogie?

Let's boogie. Come on.

Abdi, back off, mate.

Abdi, you're too close!

You all right?


Why are you so sweaty?

I think it's, like, cos I'm nervous.

Roche... Yeah?

I need to tell you something.

Basically, Grindah proposed to Michelle. Aww.

And it made me think that maybe we should do the same.

That's very romantic. Let's talk about it tomorrow, eh, Kevin?

Nah, cos Craig called me "Dad" this week.

And it made me think that we're a family.

Maybe we could be a proper family!

I love you, Roche.

No, get up! You're only meant to go on one knee, all right?

Oh, is it?

If you still feel like it, ask me tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah, I definitely will.

OK, well, I look forward to that.

Yeah. All right?

Go and enjoy yourself, Romeo.


Mate! I'm having the sickest time.

Bruv, your jacket smells a bit weird. Stay in that bit.

I can't believe we've done this, man.

It's amazing!

Is your tummy still feeling poorly?

Yeah, it still hurts quite a lot.

How are your dark thoughts getting on?


Get you all tucked in.

I still feel pretty sad, to be honest. (Put your head up.)

Oh, don't worry. I've got something that'll cheer you up.

I knew you probably wouldn't want to go out today, so I just popped out and I got a ring, so...

What for...?

Ah, f*ck!



Here she is!

Yay! I've got my dress on.

Me and Angel have been practising.

So, yeah.

I can't believe that we're engaged now!


Oh, yeah. We... Keep holding them.

We don't necessarily need to tell everyone we're engaged, Miche.

It's just...people stay engaged for a long time before they actually sort of tell anyone. Yeah.

Can we just... talk about this another time?

I'm feeling pretty sick, to be honest.

Until next time, my queen.

Just promise me one thing, baby - don't fall in love.

I'm damaged goods...

Oh, hey, guys. Come in.

That's embarrassing, innit?

Bed's still unmade.

What's that smell?

I'll tell you what that is - that's the smell of s*x.

With a little bit of very basic foreplay.

You all right?

I think if I cough, I might sh1t myself.


There you go, that's for you.

Craig, man, you legend. Thanks, man.

See you had a good time last night, as well - chewing that bird's face off.

What girl?

Yeah, she was all right.

Bit sweaty, though.

You guys done me proud last night, man. Both of you.

You didn't do too badly yourself.

Hey, is there anything you wanted to talk about today?

No, not really.

No? Nothing you wanted to ask me?


You see... You see, what I said last night, outside and that...

Yeah, don't worry, you twat, I'm only joking.

Ah, f*ckin' hell.

Cos I was going to leave today like, just run. Were you?


Oh, well. For a bit, and then come back.


Success means different things to different people.

But, to me, success isn't about money.

It's about family and love, innit?


Everyone's got a family.

We've got that AND the club night, so...

Truesay. Yeah.

We're actually probably quite inspirational, really, innit?


What I would say is if you're watching this right now, and you're feeling bare inspired, just remember MC Grindah told you - you can achieve anything you want in life. Anything.

Well, not...

Within reason, obviously.

Be realistic about it.

Do something that you're probably already quite good at, just make it easier. Yeah, exactly.

Set your goals low so that you might be able to achieve them.

No-one likes a failure.