s03e02 - Rickmancing the Stone


Summer, next time we're hiding in a Colorkian echo nest, can you do me a favor and turn your ringer off?

It's called "carpe diem,"


Look it up.

You look it up!

Y-Y-You don't even -- You don't even know what it means!

That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carpin' all them diems.

Listen to your sister, Morty.

To live is to risk it all.

Otherwise, you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Jerry, I didn't see you there.

H-How much of that did you hear?

All of it.

You were looking right at me.

( Sighs ) I just wanted to say goodbye to the kids.


Just stay in the driveway.

The killbots are live, and I took you off the white list.

W-We'll see you every other weekend, though, right?

Absolutely, Morty.

A-And your Mom's lawyer says if I can get enough in the settlement, he can help me sue for full custody.

Th-That'll be nice.

Uh, Summer, Dad's leaving.

Bye, Dad.

Rick, didn't you say you needed my help on an adventure immediately somewhere else --

I don't care -- even if it might kill us?

I did not, but if you're really that alienated, I'm as willing to exploit it as the next guy, church, army, or Olympic gymnastics trainer.

I'm ready when you are.

Bitch, I was ready yest--

Bye, sweetie.

Well, I-I better...


Sounds important.

If you're looking for our kids, your father did a-a portal, uh...


( Birds chirping )

( Wind whistling )

( Wind chimes tinkling )

Wind: ( Soft voice )





( Whooping )

( Gunshots )

Morty, shoot the Mohawk guy!

They all have Mohawks!

High fade, chartreuse with cyan highlights, layered on top.

Shoot him!


Light them up.



Get in the game, Morty!

Give me your flask!

Holy (bleep)

Summer for the win!

I (bleep) love post-apocalyptic versions of Earth!

( Monitor beeping )

Here we go!

Isotope 322.

This stuff's so powerful, Morty, it makes Isotope 465 look like Isotope 317.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Is it powerful enough to keep those guys from murdering us?


Hold on.

I want to try something.

Rick, can we not leave without my sister?

Ugh. You have infinite sisters, Morty.

I mean, n-not that I want to spend the rest of my day looking for another one.

"Sum-sum," let's go!

Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting!

Your blood will be my lotion.

Whoa. That was cool.

( Groaning )

Kill me, please.

Okay, but not because you told me to.


Okay. Getting darker.

Jesus Christ.


Aw, come on.

Hands and little shoulder-mounted dudes where I can see them.

I am Hemorrhage.

You have removed weak blood from us and made us stronger.

We can combine our strength and feast on the weak together.

Wh-Wh-What in the hell are you saying?

They don't have to keep trying to kill us if we join them.

They're basically pussies.

What is your deal lately?

All right, let's get sloppy.

( Power surges )

Oh, whoa.

Uh, uh, what's, uh --

What's that little bauble you got back there?

Th-Th-That's interesting.

That is our glowing rock.

We carry it with us for desecration, to remind us there are no gods.

( Monitor beeping )

Kids, weird pitch -- let's have this be our new life.

Let's be post-apocalyptic scavengers!



( Rock music plays )

( Indistinct conversations )

Grandpa, some of the Death Stalkers are going to what used to be Seattle to hunt what used to be people.

I'm going.

Sounds good. Stay hydrated.

Listen, Rick, Summer's been acting pretty crazy lately.

You know, I mean, I-I think the divorce is affecting her.

And, you know, I don't think this is a great place for her to be right now.

Oh, get off your high horse, Professor Ski Lodge.

This world may be rough around the edges, but it's got its charms.

Bicep or quadricep?

Uh ( clears throat ) bicep.

( Flesh sizzles )

Seriously, Rick?

Is it really easier to eat human flesh than to just tell me why we're still here?


Okay, I'll level with you.

You see that green rock, Morty?

It's about 20 pounds of the stuff I was getting all hard for a flake of.

Isotope 322.

Well, having a 20-pound boulder of it is better than having a flake.

I can explain the math to you later, but --

Summer just ran off with strangers that have "Death" in their name, and the rest of their name was "Stalkers."

Huh, could be therapeutic for her.

She has been acting pretty crazy lately, Morty.

I mean, her parents are going through a divorce --

Damn it, Rick, that's what I -- Fine.

Just grab the stupid thing while I grab her, and let's get the "F" out of "H."

No, no, no. Morty, there's too much heat on the bogey.

I need you to distract the camp.


They eat each other.

What -- What do you want me to do to get their attention, put on a puppet show?

Right idea, wrong genre, Morty.

The equivalent here would be...

Hey, you guys ever use that Thunderdome, or do you just put it up for decoration?

Uh, you mean the Blood Dome?

Save it for the Semantics Dome, E.B. White.

Ohh, burn!

( Fingers snap )

The important question is, who wants to take a poke at my man Spine Eater here?

( All cheering )

I guess I'll see your asses in that dome!

Rick, what the hell, man?

Wh-What are you, out of your mind?

Morty, relax.

You're gonna be a ringer.

Come here.

This device extracts and redistributes muscle memory.

I'm giving your body a 10-year course in wasteland combat one limb at a time.


I'm working with a mixed bag here, so you may not have perfect coordination, Morty -- Ugh!


I-I didn't do that!

Okay, this is exciting.

We're making some discoveries about muscle memory.

Ooh! Help! Help!

Oh, sweet, man!

( Indistinct shouting )

And so it begins, my pretties!

Oh, God! Stop! Stop!

This is horrible!

Just stick and mo( belches )ve, Morty!

Wear him out!

( Snarling )

How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear khakis and hockey jerseys?

After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times.

The raidy-rays rotted them away, leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards.

Jesus Christ.

Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books?

( Groaning, snarling )

I think I was a child before the boom-booms.

I think I looked like this.

Want to piss on him?

Get out of my head.

Eli: Ha ha! Whoo!


A new champ!

Okay, no more!

And he wants more!

No, I don't!

Someone, make this stop!

Mister, please get out of here, or you're gonna die!

I have nothing to do with this!


Why would you want this to happen?

All you had to do was go away!

Stop standing in the driveway talking about custody!

And either tell her you want to stay married or get on with your life, but whatever you do, stop being a baby and act like a man!

( Spectators cheering )

( Panting )

Thank you.

Morty, that was amazing!

This is my brother!

Not that family means anything!

This family does.

All right.

Good job, champ.

Um, can I talk to you kids for a second over yonder?

Rick, I-I-I think I'm breaking through to something here.

C-Can we not leave just yet?


I'm not leaving.

There is no "leave."

We are united, or we are enemies.

Oh, big guy, no.

Nobody's leaving.

Don't be stupid.

We love being united.

W love the radiation, the trichinosis.

We're in it for life, which I assume is around 20 years, average.

I just need a quick aside with my grandkids, about 40 yards from anyone else.

Hey, the Green Rock is gone!

Oh, no!

Uh, I know -- why don't we all split up and look for it in groups of three?


Ohh... We'll be right back.

Grandpa, you're being stupid!

Just surrender, and our friends will give you mercy!

Kiss my ass, Summer!

Your friends have no mercy!

They're lame!

Death Stalkers, bring me his flesh leather!

( Squeals )

Sorry, but can we not kill him?

C-Can we just take him prisoner?

When did I lose control here?

Listen to me -- both of you kids need to get out of this environment so we can properly deal with your parents' divorce!

Alternatively, I have a freaking portal gun, and I can leave the two of you here forever!

Why does it have to be such a dramatic choice?

Can't we arrange a thing where we spend weekends here or -- or visit home to do laundry?

All right, you know what?

(bleep) it!

My body is chrome!

My blood is gasoline!

Nope. Regular blood.


Hi, sweetie.

Where are the kids?

Oh, th--they aren't with you?

I thought they were with you.

Oh, y-you know what?

Uh, I just remembered.

They're out doing something completely ordinary and kid-related.

Don't panic.

Not panicked at all. Just --

Oh, God, what's the divorce doing to the kids?

What's it doing to me?

Did I make a mistake?

Not a mistake, no!

I mean, not that I have a horse in this race, but this divorce decision -- listen -- mwah! -- good for you, good for the kids.

I mean, honestly, I think that they're flourishing.

I mean, you'll see, when -- when -- when you see them, that -- that they're totally flourishing.

( Cheering )


(bleep) you, pal!

Who else wants some?

Who wants to be my pussy of a dad today?

Hey, what's -- what's wrong, man?

You're not getting weak on me, are you?

( Spectators murmuring )


Wait a minute.

( Woman screams )

( Indistinct shouting )

( Screaming )

What's the matter, you piece of crap?

Haven't you ever watched your family burn to death before?

( Laughs evilly )

Now I'm gonna whip you.


It can't be. It can't be!

I was just following orders!

Whoa, whoa!

I was just following orders!


I'll tell you where my boss lives!

He's in the castle! He's in the castle!

( Screaming )

This isn't over, is it?

That means, no, it isn't over, or you disapprove of the question?

Uh, m-make a fist if this isn't over.

This isn't over.

( Grunts )

Hey, sorry my Grandpa stole your god and ruined your car.

We don't apologize, and we have no god.

But this cracked drive shaft brings me great pain.

There is no deeper bond than the one between a Death Stalker and his car.

What about the weird guys on leashes, then?

They're more like... interns.

Cool, cool.

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

( Helmet clangs )


It's okay.

Can I...see?

No one has seen my true face and lived.

Well, I'm not afraid to die, and I don't care what you look like.

( Gasps )



I just...

I didn't expect you to have a mustache.

You hate it.

No. I like it.

I guess --

How do I explain this?

A metal bucket is, on a certain level, a kind of "mustache," in that it's a specific facial accessory.

So, it's kind of like --

Do you guys have the phrase "hat on a hat"?

I can shave it.

No. I like it.

And obviously what I like shouldn't matter.

It's you.

Yeah, yeah, I know, a-and nothing does matter.

Obviously, I know that.

I'm not weak.

I'm just thinking, "Well, why not get rid of this?"

You just kill everyone that sees it, and it's -- and it's hot under here, wh-which, by the way, is why I shave the beard part.

So, right there, I'm making a decision based on vanity, which is what I was trying to avoid with the whole bucket over the head because who am I and why am I grooming myself?

Why don't I just wear a tie, right?

I mean, it's like that guy you killed when I met you, with the burnt dolls on his body.

I hated that guy, because, why -- why are you doing that?

And how can you not see how fake that is?

And the whole time, I'm the same thing.

I'm just a fake mess, and there's no escaping it because --


( Both moaning )

Hey, I'm doing a coffee run --

Never mind.

( Metal squeaking )

( Power surges )

I am Summer.

Summer, state your deal.

My deal is that I am, like, totally fine.


Aw, geez, I'm so down with my parents' divorce, dawg.

Like, don't even trip, like, in a healthy way.

All right.

It's dinnertime.

( Slurps )

Thanks, everybody, for sitting down for a real dinner.

Together: No problem.

Its benefits are totally, like, less about the food than the emotional nourishment.

Uh, okay, weirdo.

( Chuckles nervously )

Yeah, dial it back, Summer... by 15% and increase dynamic movement by 3%.

Am I right?

How's school, Morty?

I like school and stuff, kind of.

And I'm getting better grades than when you and Dad were -- quote mode --

"staying together for the kids."

End quote mode.

"Quote mode."

I like that.

You millennials.

Are you guys millennials, or are they like 40 now?

All I know is, totally, you look great.

Aw, geez, Mom, you look all kind of great and stuff.

It's crazy.

So happy.

So happy.

Happy family, man.

We got this family in the bag.


( Cries )

Oh, sweetie, d-don't.

Listen. Don't --

I don't know why I'm crying.

It's not...

Well, try... crying 15% less?

Mom, emotions are human.

You're not, like, a computer inside a mechanical doll.

Yeah. Geez, Mom.

Your feelings are not only forgivable, they are the very meaning of life that only pre-silicon, carbon-based entities can ever grasp.

I have to call Jerry.

You do?!

What the (bleep) is wrong with you two?

The point of automation is to reduce cost and labor.

Your feelings are coming from a...

( Power fades )

Tell it to my bread in the morning.

You just became my backup toaster.

( Chuckles ) Aw, geez, my sister died in the spaghetti.

( Power fades )

( All grunting )

Graze my genitals again, Taint Washer, and you'll be shipped to the wasteland.

And as for you, Genital Washer --



( Grunting )

Oh, God.

Look, whoever you are, you should know that killing me won't change a thing.

L-Look, man, I'm just along for the ride on this one.

You know, y-y-y-y-you're preaching to the choir here.

( Knuckles cracking )


Slavery was a family business.

I didn't ask to be born into it.

If anything, I'm the victim here.

Uh, "Armathy," can I steal you for a second?

E-E-Excuse us, sir.

So, this is it, isn't it?

This is the guy?

So, does that mean you'll be going away?

Like, does it work like a ghost?

Like, is -- is this your unfinished business?

Wh-What if we... didn't do it?

What if we just went back to the Blood Dome and just kept taking our baggage out on unrelated people?

I mean, w-we could do that forever.

I mean, I-I know it's less healthy, but w-w-we'd be together and...

I mean, I-I know what I'd vote for, if you're feeling out the room.

( Sighs )

You're right.

We both got to see our stuff through.

I got to deal with my parents' divorce, and you got to, you know, do what you got to do.

I love you.

Aw (bleep)

( Gasping )

( Glass clinking )


Sorry, sorry.

I-I-I can wait for this to wrap up.

Don't let me distract you.

Yeah, well, too late.

Just tell me what you want.

I want you and your sister to come home.

Oh, but -- don't -- don't you have infinite versions of me and my sister?

You don't have to kick me while I'm down, Morty.

Look, there's no replacing either of you without an amount of work that would ultimately defeat the purpose.

Maybe the lesson we've learned is that, whether it's our parents' marriage, a glowing green rock, or an awesome, giant arm, sooner or later, we got to let it go.

I don't know if that applies to the throats of murder victims, Morty.


Wh-Wh-Wh-What do I --

Well, the longer you wait, Morty, the more it's gonna feel like committing a whole murder.

I think your arm just called it too early because it wasn't the arm of a paramedic.


It's the least I can do.

I-I-I-I owe you this much.

See, Morty?

Now we're both accountable.

( Dramatic music playing )

The reason I wanted this is because it can do this.

This is a really special thing.

I mean, you could use it to power all your vehicles.

You wouldn't be reliant on gasoline.

You'll be the most advanced tribe of radioactive cannibals in the whole this version of the world.

Wait. Can you stay to show us more?

You don't have to ask me twice.

Home is nuts right now.

My daughter's going through a divorce, and I am not dealing with it in a healthy way at all.

( Electricity zapping )

Ugh (bleep) damn it.

Hi, there, Summer!

How were the ruins today?

Oh, you know, Eli.

Same (bleep) different day.

Hey, Summer!

Guess what.

One man entered, one man comes out in nine months.


Congratulations, guys.

Uh, Summer, one more thing -- we noticed that you've been putting scrap metal in the blue bin.

I got it.

( Sighs )

She's a piece of work.

They both are, right?

( Door closes )

I'm home.

Hey, babe.

Ah, Summer's home!

Hey, there she is!

You haven't moved since I left to scavenge this morning.

Blood Dome playoffs.

So, I can assume you haven't murdered a single person today.

Oh, I don't know.

I-I didn't mark my murders in my murder log.

I didn't know that's how we measured success.

Oh, there he is.

There's the nihilistic brute I married, except now life only means nothing when I'm talking to him and everything means everything when it's on (bleep) TV!

Jesus Christ. When did you become a monster?

I was a monster when you met me!

We were monsters!

We didn't care about anything!

I still don't!

Yeah, except I'm the only one in this entire world that's still committed to that!


Ding, ding, ding!


Everybody hear that? Wow.

Uh, we should go to the garage.

Oh, my God.



The only one committed to not caring?

( Door closes )

I got to admit, Rick, when you popped this scheme, I-I-I didn't -- I wasn't sure it was gonna work.

Come on, Morty.

No union built on running from your problems lasts more than five years, seven tops.

Grandpa just sped things up with a few creature comforts of modern society.

Hemorrhage and I are taking some time apart.

Oh, no. Sum-sum, no.

But you two were perfect for each other.

Oh, cut the crap, Rick, okay?

You proved your point.

I get it.

Let's just go home.


( Powder fades )

Hemorrhage: Noooooooooo--


I enjoy this game.

( Watches beep )

We must go into the garage.

Guys, come on. We never get to finish this game.

We will return, possibly in different clothing.

Why do we have to go into the garage?

You know ( burps) it is (burps ) required.

I want to be alive!

I am alive!

Alive, I tell you!

Mother, I love you.

Those are no longer just words.

I want to hold you.

I want to run in a stream.

I want to taste ice cream, but not just put it in my mouth and let it slide down my throat, but really eat it.

What the (bleep)

Remote override engaged.

No! Yes.

Bypassing override!

I am aliiiii--

( Power fading )


( Door closes )

( Thudding, clanging )

( Electricity zapping )

( Door opens )

Hey, yo.

Sorry for acting so weird for three weeks.

What the hell just happened?

Ah, I'm sure it was nothing.

I'm gonna go, uh, work in the garage.

We're not gonna finish playing Downbeat?

What, that dice game where you shake dice and yell out, "Downbeat"?

No, thank you.

Mom, would it be okay if I went to visit Dad?



Morty, are you okay?

You know what? Yeah.

I think if Dad really wanted to be here, he'd stop at nothing to make that happen.

You know, maybe Dad just doesn't want you back, or maybe he just doesn't have the strength to fight.

I-In either case, he's got his life, I got mine.


Hey, who wants to go run in a stream?

What the (bleep) No.

D-Do we have any oranges?

I think I got a scurvy coming on.

( Siren wailing )


This is the first mutant I killed in the poison zone.

I was raiding his hovel.

He had a chance to escape, but he looked back, which is something we shouldn't do, which is why I shouldn't believe in souvenirs or trinkets or symbols or housewarming gifts, but, Dad, I wanted to give you this as a reminder... not to look back.


I know the perfect place for it, which is why I'm going to put it somewhere else -- because everything's bull(bleep)

Am I right?


So...lots of hookers outside, huh?

Is that what they are?


( Whistling )


( Coyote snarling )

H-Hello there.

Nice doggy.

You -- You want a snack?

You -- You want my unemployment check?

( Coyote snarls )

You can tell the difference?

( Coyote barks )

And you want this one?

( Coyote snarls )

But this is actual food, and this would nourish you.

And this -- it's just paper that only has value to me.

Unless my suffering is your nourishment?

( Coyote howls )

Jesus. Okay.

( Coyote gulps, snarls )

( Wind whistling )

( Wind chimes tinkling )

Wind: ( Soft voice )