[ Door beeps ]
Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.
You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine.
Ooh, watch out for that stuff.
It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send you into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes and mouth. Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of cherry Garcia?
I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically, the second freezer drawer is mine.
We're losing him. All right, fine, but you're not touching my crisper.
Is he going to die?
Dr. glip glop is the best in the galaxy.
Hello, I'm Dr. glip glop.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[ Roars ]
[ Sizzling ]
Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the ga-[Belches]-laxy.
It's like those Pizza places that claim to have the best Pizza in the world.
What do you think, they have Pizza contests?
Have you ever been to a Pizza contest?
Go in the waiting room, dad.
What are you here for?
Just kidding. I don't care.
Well, this won't do.
Hey, what are you doing?
I don't understand.
Yeah, me, neither.
We pretty much nailed it the first time.
[ Rapping indistinctly]
[ Electricity crackling ]
"Man vs. Car," the newest hit show, where it pits a man...
Versus a car.
[ Horn honks ]
On tonight's episode, Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car.
Here we go.
Oh, he's pushing his way through.
He's trying to fight that car, but the car seems to have the upper hand.
Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there.
He just got ran over and chewed up by the tires.
I guess that's another one for the cars.
[ Laughs ]
I mean, wouldn't the cars always win?
Samantha, I need to know, that you understand that I have a couple of eyeholes.
I do. I do understand about your eyeholes.
Here, look at my eyeholes.
Oh, my God. You have eight eye ho... holes.
[ Chuckles ]
Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes.
Yes, look through my eyeholes.
[ Moaning ]
I'm the eyehole... Man.
I'm the only one that's allowed to have eye holes.
Get up on out of here with my eyeholes.
Announcer: Eyeholes. Get them today. Ikea...
Rick: You got to be careful, Morty.
If that guy catches you with a box of his eyeholes, he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the sh1t out of you.
But it's worth the risk.
They melt in your mouth, Morty. They're delicious.
Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal.
We're worried about Jerry.
Well, you're 39 years too late, or, you know, however old he is.
Is he... is he 50?
Jesus Christ, Beth, is... is Jerry 50?
Where am I?
Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital.
I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital.
To me, you're just in a hospital.
There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
An hour ago, shrimply pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room, where he is currently fighting for his life.
Mr. Smith, shrimply pibbles' life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human pen1s.
I see. Wait, what?
The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls, and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe.
Yeah, but... I mean...
Oh, forget it!
I told you this was a waste of time!
Have respect, yarp.
The earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped.
He knows nothing of the genocides of clorgon or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.
And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them.
I've dwelt among the humans.
Their entire culture is built around their penises.
It's funny to say they are small.
It's funny to say they are big.
I've been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "hey, look at me. I'm Mr. so-and-so-dick.
I've got such-and-such for a pen1s."
I never saw it fail to get a laugh.
All right! That's enough!
You guys are talking about my species.
We understand genocide. We do it sometimes.
Then you would give your pen1s so that shrimply pibbles might live?
Yes, I will!
That's right, assholes.
Take my pen1s. Take it all!
And tell shrimply pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from earth didn't flinch!
[ Laughs ]
Hey, w-what's wrong, Morty?
Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?
Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just... I'm just looking at that lady over there getting coffee.
What's up with her face?
Is she human, or is she like worf?
You know, worf from "Star Trek," how he has all that sh1t all over his face, but he's just a human in a costume, you know?
Morty, uh, let's see what else is on, huh? Okay.
And now we're back to "how did I get here?"
The only show that makes you ask yourself, "how did I get here?"
[ Chuckles ]
Here's our first person.
Oh. Oh, my God.
How did I get here?
How did I get here?! Somebody, help me, please!
Host: [ Laughs ] All right!
Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the sh1t on her face like worf from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee!
How did she get there?!
Oh, my God, Morty, how did she get there?
How did she get there? [ Laughs ]
Is that something we should be concerned about?
Just stay away from the coffee machine.
Man: Calling all jan Michael Vincents.
Calling all jan Michael Vincents.
Announcer: In a world where there's eight jan Michael Vincents...
Man: We need one jan Michael Vincent to quadrant "c."
We need two jan Michael Vincents to quadrant "e."
and 16 quadrants, there's only enough time for a jan Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant.
He can't be at two quadrants at once.
Hey, Rick, who... who is jan Michael Vincent?
I'm trying to remember, Morty.
Jan Michael Vincents are used up.
I need a goddamn jan Michael Vincent.
Is it important that we know who jan Michael Vincent was in order to get this?
I-I refuse to send the legislation that allows more than eight jan Michael Vincents to a precinct.
This jan-uary, it's time to Michael down your Vincents.
"Jan quadrant Vincent 16."
That's jan Michaels.
Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature because I think I have jan quadrant Vincent fever over here.
All right, Morty! You've done it.
So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here, here, and here.
Leaving a partial length of severed urethra to be threaded through...
[ Laughs ]
Oh, you know what, I got to... I got to laugh at myself here.
I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife.
Oh. Do you think she'll be okay with this?
Beth's automatically on board always with every decision I make.
Hey, I'm stealy.
Follow me on my adventure through this office.
All right, here we go.
We're gonna just steal a couple of things.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
Starting with common office objects.
Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff!
Such as staplers and pins and all sorts of things like... such as that.
That's it. I'm calling security.
No! [ Muffled grunting ]
All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room where none of the people whose stuff I stole can get to us.
Now, let's look at all the stuff we got.
We got a bag of bobbish.
That's eight brapples.
We got a plumbus.
That's 61/2 brapples.
We got, uh, a... crushed red party cups.
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! ]
Welcome back to "funny songs."
It's all improvised. It's very funny.
I need a volunteer from the audience.
Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh... what do you do? What's your profession?
I am a tax attorney.
Okay, here we go. Hit... hit the music.
♪ I'm a tax attorney ♪
♪ oh, geez, oh ♪
♪ forget about everybody else ♪
♪ forget about Jesus Christ ♪
♪ forget about muhammad ♪
♪ forget about, uh... All those religions ♪
♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-da-ba-bop ♪
Oh, my God. Oh, that was so, so funny.
Hey, um, security guards, take him out.
Get him out of here.
Get the orthodontist out of here.
No! Why? [ Glass shatters ]
Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him.
Suck his life out.
I don't give a sh1t.
I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.
Yay! Called it!
That's good news! But, uh, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?
Hi, honey, so, here's the thing... these guys... they want to completely remove my pen1s and use it as an alien's heart.
And we just need you to sign off on it.
Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes.
His pen1s will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic.
Now, there's a wide range of options to choose from.
They're all in this catalogue.
I don't care about prosthetics. This is insane.
What do you people think you're doing?
I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.
Oh, I don't think you do.
I bring my husband in for emergency treatment.
He's gone an hour.
And now you want his pen1s, and you hand me some... Catalog.
It's... it's... it's... it's... I mean...
Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/
Well, there you go. Sorry.
I know it's hard to understand, but on earth, love comes first.
There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that shrimply pibbles represents love between all life.
His fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life-forms.
Whoa! Whoa. So, billions of life-forms?
Hundreds of billions.
I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation.
Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics.
Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her lover intact?
Well, I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all.
In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
Beth, can we talk about this privately.
You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your pen1s, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my pen1s."
But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his pen1s?!
Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?
Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small?
Then why don't you come to lil' bits...
Man: Lil' bits! where the food is tiny.
It looks like regular food, but really tiny.
You can put it in your mouth and eat it.
Nothing gets stuck in your lips.
It's just tiny and tiny and fits right... fits right in.
We got tiny lasagna, tiny Pizza, tiny pie.
Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs.
Oh, sh1t. We got tiny people.
You hungry? Come on down.
Eat some [Bleep] sh1t, you [Bleep] stupid bitch.
[ Chuckles ] Just kidding.
You've got some time to kill before the procedure, so I assume you'd like to, uh, use your pen1s one last time.
Here's my computer.
It's got the alien Internet on it.
Here's some p0rn.
And there's an alien towel.
I actually got that on another planet.
So it is an alien towel to me.
[ Door closes ]
[ Sighs ]
What is this?
Hey, wait a minute.
Oh, uh, Mr. Smith?
Uh, yeah, just m*st*rb*t*ng!
I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, and I trust you to confine your activities to the purely pornographic.
[ Clicks ]
My God! [ Chuckles ]
Mr. pibbles, you just wrote my pen1s a one-way ticket to staying on my body town.
Announcer: It's the opposite news with Michael Thompson.
Hey, everybody. It's me, Michael Thompson.
Today the pope didn't get killed.
He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba.
In other opposite news, information...
Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy?
W-why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? I don't know, Morty. See what else is on, huh?
Hey, welcome to "cooking things."
I'm pichael Thompson.
Hey, wait a minute, Rick.
This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left.
Oh, my God, and his name's pichael.
I'm cooking a little bit of this.
I'm gonna cook a little bit of that.
Oh, oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!
Oh, my God! Siamese twins!
They're... they're siamese twins!
You quit tugging. I-I'm in the middle of my news.
Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it?
Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen?
He's got his own news show. He's got a normal name.
Hey, flip back to the news.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could tell our parents started with naming with him.
It's like, "oh, Michael."
They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.
I don't want to be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time.
Oh, summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.
And then they found out I was attached, along for the ride, and they said, "ah, sh1t."
Well, just [Bleep] it, call him pichael."
[Bleep] You, pichael. You're a [Bleep] piece of sh1t.
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear, beloved pibbles.
Which would you prefer between the xp-20 and the xp-20 xs?
I prefer my own pen1s, and so should you!
The brave earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow shrimply pibbles to live...
Mr. Jerry Smith.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's hear it again for shrimply pibbles, huh?
He's a good guy, isn't he?
I've only just been learning about his accomplishments, from his march on flirk blirk square to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency.
He's the best.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, I-it occurs to me that his heroin addiction may not have been a matter of public record.
You realize heroin makes up 10% of the atmosphere on shrimply pibbles' home planet.
His planet was destroyed by clorgon death squads.
He can't live outside of it without breathing heroin.
Right. I know that. I just think...
This guy's trying to get out of giving away his pen1s!
[ Crowd shouting ]
Narrator: Today on "how they do it"...
Everyone has a plumbus in their home.
First, they take the dinglebop, and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem.
The schleem is then repurposed for later batches.
They take the dinglebop, and they push it through the grumbo, where the fleeb is rubbed against it.
It's important that the fleeb is rubbed because the fleeb has all of the fleeb juice.
Then a schlami shows up, and he rubs it and spits on it.
They cut the fleeb.
There's several hizards in the way.
The blamfs rub against the chumbles.
And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away.
That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus.
I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.
Hey, welcome back to "personal space."
I'm your host Phillip Jacobs, and let me tell you, I care about my personal space.
Whoa, whoa. Hey. Who's around me right now?
Who's around me?
Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up and let's get some stepped-up personal space up in this place.
Here we go.
We get a one, personal space.
Two, personal space.
Three, stay out of my personal space.
Four, keep away from my personal space.
Get out of that personal space.
Stay away from my personal space.
Keep away from that personal space.
Eight, personal space.
Nine, personal space.
You know, I take personal space pretty seriously, up to the point that I don't even care about this...
I'm not even interested in having this skin on my personal space.
[ Groans ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, it hurts!
Rick: [ Laughs ] What an asshole!
Ohh, tune in next week... [ Theme music plays ] to the best show ever, the show we all grew and love... "the personal space show."
Announcer: More "personal space" next Tuesday at 8:00.
Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the boys on "the northsiders."
[ Speaking alien language ]
[ Whistle blows ]
If you could all just stop screaming and chanting and making whatever that gesture means... excuse me. Come on.
Please, everyone, I have news about shrimply pibbles.
Word of Jerry Smith trying to weasel out of his pen1s donation has spread across the galaxy.
Beings everywhere have come together to offer what little they have to help save shrimply's life.
Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic pen1s.
Wait! That was an option the whole time?!
You guys suck!
Yeah. We suck. Are you still here?
Okay, Jerry. Let's head home.
I can't leave now. Everyone hates me.
Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure that can fix that.
Or is there?
[ Monitor beeping ]
Okay. We're ready.
Not so fast!
Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?!
I'm a good person, and I demand that you cut off my pen1s and put it in that man's chest.
That's not how it works!
Well, you're gonna make it work.
[ Knocking ]
I'm octopus man! [ Laughs ]
I'm octopus man! [ Laughs ]
I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus.
[ Laughs ]
And now I'm... I help people.
I save people.
I'm a troublesome octopus person.
I got to save some trouble 'cause here comes a trouble mite.
Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?
Well, summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know?
Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate!
Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a sh1t about your feelings is a one-way ticket to extinction!
I take it Cathrine hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, guys, let's go home.
Shrimply pibbles is being held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith.
Remove my pen1s!
[ Gasps ]
It's cool. It's fine.
It's got to be from an alternate reality, right?
Are you sure?
I don't know.
Do it! Do it!
Remove my pen1s!
Sir, put the gun down and step away from Mr. pibbles!
Dad, what are you doing?!
I'm a good person. I'm a good person.
Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun?
That's not a gun. That's the xp-20 xs.
Oh, my God.
I'm a good person.
[ Screaming ]
[ Distorted screaming ]
[ Monitor beeping ]
[ Both screaming ]
Man: Hey, how's it going?
This is my butthole ice cream parlor.
I got all kinds of ice cream... peanut butter and jelly... [ Farts ] ...Vanilla... [ Farts ] ...Chocolate... [ Farts ] ...And every flavor served out of a butthole...
[ Groaning ]
...Just like you're back home.
What happened? Where am I?
Was it all a dream?
No, you were shot like 50 times.
57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated alien hospital, so it was basically like getting a splinter removed.
All... all I wanted was for everyone to like me.
Jerry, remember that time you left a comment underneath that YouTube video and someone replied and called you a dumb-ass, so you replied and told them, "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night hitting "refresh" on your browser waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying?
I remember it differently.
This is like that. You can't make people like you.
You just have to wait for hating you to bore them.
You know, you're right.
I shouldn't be motivated by other people's opinions of me.
All right, guys, let's go home.
If it's all the same to you, Rick, I'd like to go to the zoo...
With my family.
What are you talking about?! Why would we do that?!
It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? Don't be a piece of sh1t, Jerry!
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. What the hell is he talking about?!
I'm the eyehole man!
What is going on? Aah! Give me my eyeholes! Give me my eyeholes! Give me my eyeholes! I'm eyehole man! That part of the cupboard is mine, Jerry!
Why do you even have those?!
Give me my eyeholes!
Help me, please!
Get up on out of here with my eyeholes!