s02e02 - MortyNight Run

Rick: Learning to fly this thing, Morty, is gonna be really liberating.

You know, you're gonna be free to go on all kinds of errands for me.

Cool.

See that planet right there?

Don't fly too close to that planet.

Someone will come out and try to wash your windshield.

[Ringtone plays]

Hold on.

[Cellphone beeps]

Yeah? Yeah, I have it.

Where do you want to meet?

All right, cool.

[Cellphone beeps]

All right, Morty, lesson's over.

We got some business to attend to a few light minutes south of here.

Oh, you still use south in space?

Whoa! Jesus, Jerry! What the hell are you doing here?!

What are you talking about?

We agreed a boy's father should be present when he's learning to drive.

I guess I remember that.

Wow. And you've just been back there this whole time?

Amazing.

Well, we don't have time to take him to earth, Morty.

Head for 3924917.

Cool! [Laughs]

Looks like I'm coming along for an adventure!

Yep. [Sighs]

This is where we're going?

Nope.

This is.

You can park in a handicap spot, Morty.

Anything with less than eight limbs is considered disabled here.

Well, look at this fella. Aren't you handsome?

Thank you. [Chuckles]

I'm Jerry.

Oh, I know you are.

Did you come here in a spaceship?

I'm traveling with my son and father-in-law.

W-wait. Are they coming?

Oh, they'll be back soon.

What?!

I don't know how this works!

Help me!

What the hell?!

I know, right?

Oh, what the hell?!

I know, right?

Morty: Jerryboree!?

You created a day care for my dad?

Are you kidding? I wish I had this idea.

Well, I did have this idea, but I wish I was the version of me that owned it.

That guy's rich.

Don't forget to check the reason for your drop-off.

Trust me, Morty, I've heard stories from other Ricks.

Jerrys don't tend to last five minutes off of earth.

This is a totally unregistered cross-temporal asteroid.

Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.

He couldn't be safer.

Hey, Morty, hang on to this.

That number's your dad.

If you lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.

[Electricity crackles]

Okay, wait here.

I want to come with.

Don't come with. It's boring.

It's [Belches]... it's business stuff.

What kind of business do you do in a garage?

You know, this seems a little shady.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office?

You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty?

Y-you know what those guys do in their fancy boardrooms?

They take their balls and they dip them in cocaine and wipe them all over each other.

You know, grandpa goes around, and he does his business in public, because grandpa isn't shady.

Aw, crap. Hey, what's up?

Hey, Rick! [Laughs]

Here you go 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

C-can we please?

This is my grandson, Morty.

Oh, hi, Morty. I'm Krombopulos Michael.

I'm an assassin. I buy guns from your grandpa.

[Groans] Here. Go away.

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter?

My target can't be killed with regular matter.

Nice to meet you, Morty.

Listen, if you ever need anybody murdered, please give me a call.

I'm very discreet.

You're g-giving him a card?!

I have no code of ethics.

I will kill anyone, anywhere children, animals, old people doesn't matter.

I just love killing.

You sell weapons to killers for money?

[Groans] You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mind-set, Morty.

It's more complicated out here.

These are flerbos.

Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these?

Uh, what?

An entire afternoon at Blips and Chitz!

Oh, this place is the best.

It's got beer, games, prizes, and you can never tell what time it is.

You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?!

Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.

Here, check this out. [Coin drops]

[Whoosh!]

Aah! [Breathing heavily]

Roy, what's wrong?

I had a nightmare.

I was with an old man. He put a helmet on me.

It's just a fever. Get some sleep.

I don't want you missing school on Monday.

[Bell rings]

Man: I want you kids to look around you today and think about your future.

Now is the time in your life when anything is possible.

Announcer: Spiraling perfectly!

It's gonna be caught by Roy Parsons!

Roy Parsons is at the 20! Now he's at the 10!

Nothing can stop Roy "the Rocket"!

Touchdown! [Cheers and applause]

I just think it's time to get realistic.

Have you talked to my father about the carpet store?

Roy?

[Sighs]

[Cellphone rings]

Had we caught it sooner well, hindsight is 20/20, Roy.

What's important is that we move quickly.

[Monitor beeps]

[Weakly] I'm not ready to die.

You're not going to.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yeah!

Hey, thanks for the carpet, Roy.

Man: Hey, Roy, you pulled those persian off-white shags for the clearance sale?

Whoa. Sh sh1t!

[Bones crack]

Oh!

[Beeping]

Whoa! What the hell?!

W-w-where am I?!

What in the hell?!

55 years. Not bad, Morty.

You kind of wasted your 30s, though, with that whole bird-watching phase.

Where's my wife?!

Morty, you were just playing a game.

It's called "Roy".

Snap out of it. Come on.

I'm Morty. You're Rick.

Hey! You sold a gun to a guy that kills people!

Look at this you beat cancer, and then you went back to work at the carpet store?

Boo!

D-don't dodge the issue, Rick!

Selling a gun to a hit man is the same as pulling the trigger!

It's also the same as doing nothing.

If Krombopulos Michael wants someone dead, there's not a lot anyone can do to stop him.

That's why he does it for a living.

Now excuse me. It's time to thrash your "Roy" score.

You know, you could stop this killing from happening, Rick!

You know, you did a bad thing selling that gun, but you could undo it if you wanted.

Uh-huh, yeah, that's the difference between you and me, Morty.

I never go back to the carpet store.

Holy sh1t!

This guy's taking Roy off the grid!

[All gasp]

This guy doesn't have a social security number for Roy!

[All murmuring]

Hi. I'm sorry.

I think there was a misunderstanding.

I'm an adult and would like to go home, please.

Well, of course. Right through that tube.

Unbelievable.

You're doing great.

I know how to crawl in a tube.

[Sighs] Come on.

Oh.

This is harder than it looks.

Whoa!

Marco?

Polo!

[Laughs] Marco?

Come find me.

Marco?

You guys are enjoying this?

Don't you feel a little patronized?

How so?

Jerry!

Beth.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

I love you, Jerry.

Aw, Beth.

Who wants to come watch "midnight run" with director's commentary on?

Yeah!

Definitely.

First one there gets to adjust the picture setting!

[Gasps] The factory tint setting is always too high!

Out of my way. The tint setting is always too high.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Smooches]

Oh, boy. Here I go killing again.

Aah!

Aah!

Arh!

[Neck snaps]

Aah!

[Scanner chirping]

Aah!

[Neck snaps]

[Warbling]

You have arrived at Krombopulos Michael. Your destination is below.

We're all out of off-white Persian.

Oh, man! W-w-what have I done?!

Drop the gun.

You don't understand!

This guy was gonna kill someone!

I guess that makes two of us.

[Rifle charging]

Aah!

What are you doing, Morty?

This is a galactic federation outpost!

Look, I don't have time to tell you my entire backstory, but grandpa and government don't get along.

He saved my life.

What?

Huh?! Whoa!

Are you Krombopulos Michael's target?

W-what's your name?

My kind has no use for names.

I communicate through what you call "Jessica's feet" no, "telepathy".

Oh, good job, Morty.

Y-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading fart.

I like this name fart.

Morty, would you kindly release me by pulling that lever to the left of my cell?

I am in great pain.

Morty, don't do it.

Morty...

Morty, you idiot.

[Alarm blaring]

Oh, crap. Let's get you out of here!

We can't get him out of here. He's gaseous.

He's not gonna make it through a portal, Morty.

Well, then, I guess we're all getting in the car.

Right, uh...

Fart.

No! Just just get in the car!

Morty, come on.

I want to go back to Blips and Chitz.

I don't want to deal with this.

Rick, you've been clear on the fact that you don't want to help, so just go away.

More are coming.

Screw this. I'm out.

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

[Engine sputtering]

Whoa! Come on, come on!

Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire!

[Engine sputtering]

Um, um, um, um!

Open fire!

Aah!

Stupid-ass, fart-saving, carpet-store mother[bleep].

Move!

Wait, did you [bleep] with my seat settings?

[Motor whirring]

More are coming.

Rick!

Yeah, yeah.

Your geldon convertor is pretty dinged up.

That's because my grandson drives like a male Obravadian.

Yeah, I said it some stereotypes are based in fact.

Actually, it's because of years of neglect.

You really need to respect your gears, Rick.

To you, they're just wheels with teeth, but in my culture, wars have been fought--

So I've heard. Just fix it.

I don't think the gromflamites can track us now, but it looks like we're gonna be here for a while.

Or, you know, if you still have that gun K. Michael dropped, we could finish the job and go home.

You do understand I'm telepathic, right?

I'm being polite.

Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs.

Oh, yeah? Where's that? [Belches]

Are you going on a quest to find he who smelt it?

I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "Get out of my head, fart.

I know you're in here. La-la-la-la".

No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Oh, great. Just a hop, skip, and an 800-light-year jump.

You know, you can leave anytime you want, Rick.

Whatever you want to do, you little punk-ass little bitch.

Thank you, Morty.

You are not like other carbon-based life-forms.

You put the value of all life above your own.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

I could not agree more.

♪ The worlds can be one together ♪
♪ Cosmos without hatred ♪
♪ Stars like diamonds in your eyes ♪
♪ The ground can be space ♪
♪ Space, space, space, space ♪
♪ With feet marching towards a peaceful sky ♪
♪ All the moon men want things their way ♪
♪ But we make sure they see the sun ♪
♪ Goodbye, moon men ♪
♪ You say goodbye, moon men ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪

Shut the [bleep] up about moon men!

This isn't a musical number.

This is a [bleep] operation.

We got to be cool and [bleep] lay low.

[Clicks, computer chimes]

[Laughing] Duck, duck, birdie?

[Laughs]

That's very funny!

Here comes another funny.

[Clicks, computer chimes]

[Laughs]

Oh, this place is great.

I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.

You just might.

W-what do you mean?

These are the Jerrys whose Ricks and Mortys never came back.

They live here now.

Uh.

[Rock music plays]

[Engine revs]

[Tires screech]

[Dramatic music plays]

No gear-turnings as of yet in the curious case of these unidentified humanoid fugitives, reportedly at large somewhere within the gear system.

Son of a...

Why were the gromflamites holding you prisoner?

What the [bleep] is so valuable about you?

I am no more valuable than life itself.

However, I am able to alter the composition of atoms, like this.

[Electricity crackling]

That was oxygen.

I added 71 protons to it.

Terrific. The fart that pooped gold.

No wonder every cop in the system is looking for us.

Any species that gets ahold of this thing is gonna use it to take over the galaxy.

You know how inconvenient that's gonna be to my work?

[Sirens wailing]

Somebody dropped the dime on us.

Gearhead!

I'm sorry, Rick.

The reward on your head is too high.

And like you always say, you got to look out for number one.

Number one is me, asshole! You're supposed to be my friend!

Friend?! Do you even know my real name?

It's Revolio Clockberg Junior.

I belong to an entire species of gear people.

Calling me "gearhead" is like calling a Chinese person "Asia face".

No! Not twigs! [Groans]

[Muffled screaming]

Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room never betray me, and it's time to go.

[Muffled screaming]

Nobody move!

[Muffled screaming]

Oh, my god. Are those...

[Grunts]

[Screams]

Hey, Morty, remember when you said selling a gun was as bad as pulling the trigger?

How do you feel about all these people that are getting killed today because of your choices?

I did the right thing, Rick!

Tell that to gearhead's gearsticles.

You did that!

Wrong! I'd be playing "Roy" right now.

At a certain point, my hands are tied, Morty.

[Sighs]

I can't believe Rick did this.

This is the eighth to the last straw.

Ante up.

You know what? Screw it!

I have a better gamble for you guys.

I say we escape.

If you want to leave, you can just go out the front door.

You think we're kept here against our will?

That would be illegal.

But if you can leave, then why are you still here?

Same reason as you.

We're Jerrys.

I'm leaving.

Okay, then. That was always allowed.

Morty, take the wheel!

Whoa! Whoa!

Geez! Damn it, Morty!

Who taught you to fly this thing?

[Laughs] I'm kidding. I know that's on me.

Um, Rick!

sh1t. Well, I guess this is it.

Morty, crack the window.

I wonder why Greg is always so critical of my girlfriend.

Well, he'd probably like to have me to himself.

That's how friends are.

Or does he want herto himself?

♪ The worlds can be one together ♪
♪ Cosmos without hatred ♪
♪ Stars like diamonds in your eyes ♪

My life is a [bleep] joke!

♪ Goodbye, moon men ♪
♪ You say goodbye, moon men ♪
♪ Goodbye, moon men ♪

All right. Let's proceed.

Damn.

Can't blame that on the dog.

Talk about silent but deadly.

I-I've seen some nerve gas, but that this gas got nerve!

[Laughs] You know what I'm saying?

Are you done?

I'll let you know, Morty.

Gone with the wind! Am I right?!

If you don't like that one, Morty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "gasablanca"!

All right, I'm done.

Let's get to the Promethean Nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!

[Trills]

Glagga blag blag.

Um, Earth, please?

[Growls]

Is this... Do I pay?

Agga blag blag blag!

[Indistinct shouting]

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry!

Ohh.

Hmm.

Mm, hey.

[Hisses] Aah!

Agga blag blag?

Oh, uh, hey. What?

Agga blag!

Uh, what do you want?

Agga blag blag ohh!

Uh...

[Speaking native language]

[Whimpering]

[Moaning]

[Alarm blaring]

[Wailing in distance]

[Whimpers]

[Shouting in alien language]

Hey. Are you the one that left?

I get it.

It's a... it's a hassle out there.

Right? And who needs that?

Right?

Right?

Not me.

Who needs that?

Ho, ho! Not us.

Uh, who are you?

Oh, excuse me. Paul Fleischman.

Infinite timelines.

In some of them, Beth remarries.

Geez.

Don't worry.

I treat Beth very well, and I do not overstep my bounds with Morty.

Every kid needs a dad, but there's no replacing you.

Hey, you want to give us a hand with this?

We're trying to figure out how to get the sound coming through the stereo instead of the TV.

It's very difficult.

Oh! Uh, well, is there an aux input?

We tried that, but there's two different colors.

But there's two different colors.

[Growls]

The wormhole is 70 of what you call "meters" what you call "north" of what you call "here".

Fine. Morty, take your fart to his hole and say your goodbyes.

I'm gonna find some fuel and take a big, fat Morty.

That's my new word for sh1t because of today's events.

Here it is.

This should take me back to my kind.

I'm gonna miss you, um, Fart.

I'm really sorry your name became fart.

I will be back soon, Morty.

Really?

After I return to the others with this location, we will be back for your cleansing.

Um, cleansing?

Carbon-based life is a threat to all higher life.

To us, you are what you would call a disease.

Wherever we discover you, we cure it.

You said yourself that life must be protected, even though sacrifice.

You haven't changed your mind about that.

I can sense your thoughts.

Morty?

Um, before you go, could you sing a c-could you sing for me again?

Yes, Morty.

♪ Cosmos without hatred ♪
♪ Diamond stars of cosmic light ♪
♪ Quasars shine through endless night ♪
♪ And everything is one in the beauty ♪
♪ And now we say goodbye ♪

Aah!

[Weakly] Morty, why? Why?

[Groaning]

Goodbye.

So, did you guys make out a little bit?

Is he gonna send you a postcard?

Man, that guy hit the lottery when he crossed paths with you.

Morty, I know I picked on your core beliefs and decision making a lot today, but I am glad that you insisted on getting that fart home.

You know, at least all the death and destruction wasn't for nothing, you know?

You miss your fart friend, huh?

Well, I got a little surprise for you, buddy.

While you were gone, I found a new wormhole with millions of beings just like him on the other side, and they're all coming to visit.

What?! Rick, no! You can't!

Too late, Morty. The hole's opening.

No, Rick! You don't understand.

[Farts]

There's there's a lot more where that came from, too.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, hey, bro, how many people was your Morty responsible for killing today?

None. We chilled at Blips and Chitz all day.

Ain't that right, homey?

Darn right, bro! "Roy" rules!

[Laughter]

Must be nice.

Hey, Morty, there's our Jerry.

Mm! I missed you. Hey, Rick.

Glad you're safe, Jerry.

What do you say we go home?

I'd like that.

Hey, wait. Uh, do you have 5126?

Uh, I'm not sure. Morty.

Uh, that's a Blips and Chitz ticket.

What?!

[Scoffs] Way to go, Morty.

Eh, whatever.

Uh, w-wait. What?

Uh, w-wait. What?

All right. Come on, Jerry.

Are you tired of the same daily droll?

Well, get on over to Blips and Chitz!

We got, uh, one game.

We got a whole bunch of games here.

You can we got chabos and flobos, and you can shoot things!

Get over here! Play the games!

Uh, use your flerbos to get tickets!

"Roy 2" just got here.

Get over here at Jitz and Chitz!

It's the coolest place in the world.

[Laughs]

Uh, I get to be in the commercial!