Wait I'm sorry are we just letting this guy in?
Guys. We didn't come all the way here not to interact with an alien.
Okay my gut instinct tells me that both our species have a lot to share.
Knowledge, wisdom, stories both folksy and otherwise.
Stewart's right, let's let him in, stun him, probe him for wisdom, and go home.
Perhaps some interested parties could cleave off a sample of said alien.
Sure can, everybody gets a chunk.
Okay, I'm all for being cautious but let's not preemptively stun and slice.
Are you suggesting that we preemptively not stun him?
How is that any less crazy?
Okay, is eating it an option that's on the table?
I was just asking.
Can we just decide soon, because he's just floating out there.
Peaceful beings don't honk, Stewart.
I'll vouch for it.
In fact, I'm declaring Captain's vouch.
Mm-hm. We're going home in six hours.
Can we please just complete humankind's search for intelligent life?
Bio scan complete.
No pathogens detected.
Universal translators ready?
Nothing in my teeth.
Great, let's do this.
I love you guys.
Hey we heard applause and ah, ah.
No flash photography. Be cool.
Come on. Three eyes?
Any who, on behalf of the planet Earth, the United Nations, the Universal Mapping Project and the United States of America.
And, Bogo Jing.
And, Bogo Jing.
And, Barnes brand smart pillows.
And, Barnes brand smart pillows.
We, the crew of the UNB cruiser welcome you aboard in the spirit of peace and friendship.
Heavily armed friendship.
Just saying, be smart.
We look forward to forging a bond with your kind, and working together to expand our mutual understanding of this, the journey known as existence.
And we are prepared to allow you to sample limited amounts of our native foods.
Finally, be advised that you are currently being recorded, and your likeness may be used in future promotional materials from the Universal Mapping Project.
And Bogo Jing.
And Bogo Jing.
Okay, all done.
So tell us about yourself.
Woah he's got a thing.
No, no, no, no, no, don't go.
Hey you didn't tell us what your thing does.
Natasha what the hell is that?
The inter-universe collision has begun earlier than I projected.
The ripple will open in less than an hour.
You missed your calculation?
This never happens to me.
If we're gonna go home, we gotta go home now.
All right, it's been fun, thanks.
We don't have time to generate absorption shields, all right.
It's gonna be a bumpy trip.
May I suggest that we send all non flight essential crew members into safety mode before the jump?
Yes. Good idea.
Everyone except Karen, Michael and me go to the holography room.
When you get word, seal yourselves in your survival coffin.
Natasha, if you want, you can go with Kent.
We can handle things up here.
Hey, I don't know what's gonna happen after the jump.
So, just in case, thanks for everything.
You'll always be my baby girl.
That's not true.
There are plenty of ships in the fleet.
But thank you, Captain.
For old time's sake?
That's my girl.
Soon we'll be home, and I'll be able to forge a whole new legacy.
Hello, space explorer.
Good-bye war profiteer and pension thief.
It does seem likely that we will receive great acclaim when we return home.
Except for Natasha, of course, whose essentially going to be euthanized.
But for the rest of us it should work out quite nicely.
Oh, they're gonna kill you?
It's all right.
We are programmed not to fear the end.
But I will miss you.
You looked at Kent but Tina was the one talking to you.
Art, it's fine.
That was a baffling error.
Maybe she should be put down.
Natasha, our time together has been one of the least tragic periods of my entire life.
I've enjoyed our furtive glances.
Our brief I love you's.
And our frank and devastating appraisals of each and every one of our coworkers.
The only ritual that we haven't experienced is, what one would call.
A first date.
You too freaks wanna be normal, after all.
How you gonna date without a body?
I will not stand for this.
Everyone, regardless of how fake or gross, should get the opportunity to.
Experience the, the joy and awkwardness of a first date.
Hey we're jumping in 46 minutes Shell.
That's enough time for magic.
Computer load a moderately nice Italian restaurant.
You know I'm the computer.
Natasha. Just call me that.
Don't make this about you, okay?
Just load the restaurant.
How's our auxiliary life support looking?
Oxygen, food generators, and heat calibrators are all fully backed up, sir.
We'll need them in case we jump universes towards moving matter.
Way ahead of you. Three projectiles weaponized.
One electrical, one thermal, one ionic.
What a team.
Huh, we're actually ahead of schedule here.
Wait, there's something in close proximity to our flight path.
That's your boy.
And he's blocking our way out.
He's probably bummed he didn't get to share all of his wisdom with us.
Yeah, what a shame. Michael, we on target?
Locked on. Ready to annihilate.
Guys, you can't kill him.
Enhance ship window.
We were so close.
I can't go.
I have to stay here with him.
Look. The ship's all prepped for transfer.
The flight plan's fully inputted.
You guys don't need me anymore.
Hey, still let me get you a milkshake ok?
You're talking crazy.
I'll take that milkshake to go.
Look, I can't turn my back on a chance like this.
You guys go home. I'll find you down the road.
No, no we are not doing this, all right?
We have barely survived as it is.
Alien infiltration, space lightning, Michael lost a freaking leg.
Thanks for remembering.
Stewart, why would you even wanna do this without a ship?
Without a crew? Without a way to even get back home?
Why don't you think about this?
I have thought about this every single day since I saw my first star.
Karen, this is all I've ever wanted.
Well, that is idiotic, all right?
So, request denied for being idiotic.
Okay. I know this is your version of being nice, but I just wanna point out, I still do outrank you.
Yeah, and that's another thing. What are we supposed to do?
Go home without a captain?
You do have a captain.
And a damn good one.
Command of the cruiser is now yours.
Oh, here's the key code to the executive bathroom.
Do not worry. I cleaned it.
This is all you've ever wanted.
Not like this.
How do I know you're going to be okay?
Cause I'm going with him.
No, this I can veto.
Oh no, I've been on the sidelines for too long.
Okay it's time for me to get in and start really hittin' the birdie.
Good for you, Michael.
But just to be clear, I'm still the boss of this new you.
Of course, glad to serve, sir.
Nothing will change.
This is ridiculous.
We don't have time to argue.
Permission to disembark.
Stop saluting me, I will shoot you both.
Did you really clean the bathroom?
I mean, not the sink?
Well, not, not you.
Come on, guys.
Don't end it like this.
Just ignoring me like that?
She didn't mean anything by it.
After all the stuff I let her do to me.
Michael, I don't wanna know about that stuff.
Can I tell you one thing?
She put her fingers in my nose.
We really should have checked that huh?
Wait where did he get these pictures from?
He must have tapped into the feed of our viewing room.
What viewing room?
I was looking for someplace private when I work out, I sounds like I'm crying.
I've heard you.
Anyways, you know I stumbled onto this room and apparently we're being filmed.
All the time.
Thank god we're leaving that shallow culture.
You're behind, huh?
This is more like it!
I mean, this guy's technology is amazing!
It smells terrible in here, though.
Don't be so terra-centric!
Thank you for opening up your ship to us.
I love it.
I don't know if you've heard us talking about it.
I get it.
We humans were curious about its function.
Is it an energy source, some sort of diagnostic device?
No, don't, ugh.
This isn't going great.
I feel dumb.
Turn your head towards Kent.
Why don't we try a little conversation?
What topic would you suggest?
Our increased risk of death or serious injury by remaining unrestrained during a universe jump?
Or Natasha's impending memory wipe, resulting in her complete loss of self and identity?
No, only small talk.
Okay. We talk about things that don't matter.
Like broccoli. Go ahead.
In what world does broccoli not matter?
The cultivated wild cabbage is the cornerstone of all human civilizations.
Get a clue.
Oh, he's doing it again isn't he.
How you like that shake big boy?
Art, I told you to stop doing that.
It's a legitimate acting choice.
So, if Natasha were really on the prowl, she'd be shimmying constantly.
Hey, Karen. How are you?
Stewart went with that alien and I just let him go.
Do you think that I did the right thing in letting him go his own way no matter how dangerous it is or do you think that I should have forced him to stay here and been willing to kill all his dreams?
This sounds like a conversation that Michael should be sitting with you.
Michael went with Stewart and I just let him go too.
And now that he's gone, I can't stop thinking about him.
He was so loyal, and capable in that tight little body.
Why didn't I appreciate him when he was here?
Well, I realize that I should not have asked you how you were, because I'm not prepared to listen to the answer.
I learned something today.
Nose, hair, come on dude, anything?
I don't even want to know.
We gave up everything on Earth for this clown?
Are you kidding me?
Michael, this dude's intelligent, okay.
There has to be something here that we can learn from him over.
Look at that.
Ugh. Ew, gross, gross.
Oh, don't look back, don't look back.
I said don't look back.
Huh. Dude has hose technology.
Okay, we can learn from that.
So, let's see where it goes.
Wait a minute.
Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/
Hi. Me again, Stewart.
Are you stealing our fuel?
So Kent, would you like to discuss basketball?
My research indicates that it's extremely unimportant.
No, basketball is completely unimportant.
I have no opinion on it whatsoever.
Maybe a little shaky shaky will get your motor humming.
No, no, no, no. How many times have I told you?
Bodies don't talk.
My erotic shimmies are the only thing keeping this ghoulish date alive.
Oh, it's not erotic.
You look like a spasmatic mini-fridge.
Well then you wouldn't mind if I quit?
Now please get Natasha off my face.
Tina, I appreciate parts of what you've tried to do here for us.
But it's just not meant to be.
No, don't say that, okay?
Because I want you to have something nice before we all have to say good-bye.
And I always get what I want.
I'm not real.
I don't even have a real body.
Okay, I need you to strip Art and okay, then feed me through the auto dresser.
Natasha, I'm giving you access to my magnetic bracelet so that you'll have control of my arms.
Why would I need control of your arms?
Why do you think?
Sorry, long line for the ladies room.
Oh, shrimp cocktail, my favorite.
Can somebody bend Tina toward the food?
Come on, grab it, Kent.
At least, he didn't kill us.
Karen probably will.
My boys, you came back.
We are back.
I'd love to hear all about the amazing alien ship, but we drop in 28 minutes so I'm gonna take a rain check.
Let's go home.
Oh my God.
Oh, my god.
Our fuel levels are dropping.
What happened? What did I do wrong?
Hey, it's in the past.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
Beat myself up about it?
I've been captain for an hour, and I may have just doomed us all.
This might be more of a my bad type deal.
Hey, remember that alien I vouched for?
He siphoned some of our fuel, seemed like most of it.
That's about right, yeah.
Oh, and it turns out that gold thing is for spitting in, so you know, we did learn something.
So we're just gonna float here until we die, again?
We'll get some more fuel and then we'll catch the next ripple.
Yeah, the next ripple.
And this ripple happens when?
Next week, in ten years, when?
He doesn't know Karen.
Yeah, I know Stewart, I'm trying to make him feel bad.
Well, it didn't work.
I just don't understand how this happened.
Here's my theory, so the alien received the we come in peace message.
We output it, which gave him a nice look at our power situation.
Then he hacked onto our broadcast signal and tapped into our video feeds.
We're getting filmed at all times, by the way.
The alien started tracking us.
I don't know why he chose to come into my dreams.
Oh, maybe because he saw me telling Zalian that I'd do anything to meet an alien.
Finally, he asked to come on board, both as a distraction and to lower our shields, giving him easy access to our fuel reserves.
That's how I solved the mystery of the alien and the stolen fuel.
With a little help from his puzzle pal, Michael.
You know what?
This is actually my fault.
I trusted you and I should have known you were such a sucker.
You'd let that stupid alien walk all over you.
God, are you really not gonna apologize?
Technically you just said it was your fault.
Okay, I'm sorry, this is terrible and I will call a meeting and we can discuss our options.
You'll call a meeting.
On what authority?
What do you mean, I'm the captain, oh, I see.
Why don't you give me one reason why I should give you that chair back considering you may have just killed us all?
For one, because I rehired you after you definitely tried to kill us all.
I don't know why you would put us all at risk for one stupid alien.
You know what?
I'm sick of being the only person in this space program that actually likes space.
We found something out here Karen, and I wanted to learn about it.
Excuse me for wanting to know more about the universe that we live in.
This isn't the universe that we live in, Stewart.
Okay? I, I bet wrong, and I feel terrible about that.
But I will not apologize for wanting to see what's out there.
Adventure is what we all joined UMP for, and if you're so hell bent on avoiding it.
I don't even know what you're doing up here.
You know what? I don't know what I'm doing up here either.
But thanks to you, Stewart, I've got all the time in the world to figure it out.
Zalian, if you don't get into your survival pod soon, the inter-universal impact could kill you.
I don't wanna lose anybody on my first day as a waiter.
Where's that adrenaline?
Wait, what's happening here?
Oh, real girl is fake girl's date body.
Fake girl puts shrimp in real girl.
Real girl goes into anaphylactic shock.
It's an old story.
Call me if she wants dessert.
One last thing, I'm deathly allergic to shellfish.
Oh, nice needle placement.
Did you have a good time?
I mean, I tried, but Kent totally ignored me.
Just on his transceiver the whole time.
Thanks anyway, Tine.
You're a good friend.
Here comes the second crash, we'll just lean into it.
Natasha, I'd like to speak with you.
Whys start now, Kent?
I have two points.
Point the first, our engines have stopped, it seems we are no longer on our way home.
Yeah, things got crazy, we got robbed.
I mean I don't even know who the captain is anymore.
That is very troubling to me.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, that's why.
But, our being stranded means that your deactivation is no longer imminent Natasha.
Which gives us extended time to experiment with this.
The subject of my second point I alluded to earlier.
Oh, you plug right into your gills.
No, not my gills, this is a entirely different orifice.
Gills are down here and they're for breathing.
These are brain holes.
Know the difference or you'll look like an idiot for the rest of your life.
What are you doing?
I can never make you real, Natasha.
However, if the program I've been working on is functional, I can make myself fake.
I've been out of the flesh game for a while, but I don't recall, that's how you do that.
Hold on, baby. I gotta work.
Ship detected, Captain.
I'm the captain again.
Oh really? When did that happen?
It's just understood.
Well, what's he doing? Stewart, you should know.
He's your boyfriend.
I haven't had a boyfriend in years.
Wait. I think he's heading towards the ripple.
The, the alien's going to Earth.
Oh my god.
I just triggered an alien attack on humanity.
You work hard. You get good grades.
You eat right.
And then you trigger an alien attack on humanity.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
You didn't trigger crap, okay? That alien's not even a murderer.
He's just a asshole.
So he goes to Earth. Who cares?
I mean, Earth is filled with assholes anyway.
Dude, that's your home.
Hey, if anyone's to blame, it's Stewart and not you, okay.
You're great, you're smart, you, you're strong and everybody thinks that.
What's your point?
The good stuff about you or the bad stuff about you.
I don't know, both.
You're smart and he's dumb.
Yeah, that's good.
He didn't even seem interested in us.
Why does he wanna go to earth?
I don't know, there's a couple of good restaurants.
Can someone please take 'em, just take care of it!
Oh my God, Tina.
Patient experiencing mild relapse.
Mouth to mouth recitation recommended.
Okay, this is it Stewart.
First kiss, it's not a kiss it's CPR!
Come on it's not about you, it's about her, it's about us.
Whatever, first step, here we go.
And one into...
Episode climax detected, beginning output.
Oh my god did UMP send a rescue party?
Doesn't look familiar.
It's another universe, like not ours a third one.
Natasha chemical analysis.
Oh, that can't be right.
According to our readings, that life form is boron-based, not carbon based.
Boron based life?
That must be an incredibly cold universe.
Kent, when did you get inside the computer?
You do not talk about her like that.
If we had caught that ripple, we would have been blown to pieces.
Even if we weren't, that place does not look fun.
You saved us, Stewart.
We're alive. The thief got nuked.
Exploration awaits. Why so glum, chum?
I was just thinking if we all die out here UMP will never find us.
All the stuff we've gone through, everything we've seen, everything we've survived it'll all mean nothing.
It means something, we're here.
We're together, and that means something.
And even if we don't make it, someday, people will know what we did out here.
I've just received a video message from below deck, entitled, season one teaser.
Coming soon, a show that's really out there.
Why am I in your dream, Stewart?
I love you. Put a baby inside me.
You know he's gonna be all over me.
Are you talking about the Michael that we know?
I'm taking control of this ship.
Coming soon to a screen near you.
Wait, we were being recorded this whole time?
What? I am scandalized.
I am learning about this for the first time.
Second Officer Newman, have we rectified the readings of hull compromise coming from below deck?
There's been no loss of atmosphere, Captain.
Our theory is that the fallout of the alien vessel.
So destruction has scrambled its detection systems.
Isn't that correct?
As second officer Micheal, my, my new, Newman just.
Crap I mean.
I will not be on reality TV and look bad.
Pretend you're capable there's cameras everywhere.
Possible antagonist detected.
Engineer Fletcher, are we all set for departure?
We are, your grace.
The cruiser is now operational.
It is time for us to explore this new universe, to go where none have been, to acquire knowledge and to share with our fellow people.
And nicely put.
Thank you, Captain.
Past the moon.
Let us sail to the star.
Look who I found downstairs.
You're gonna love this.
I'm being hunted, which means you are being hunted.
So, we should go.