02x11 - Secrets & Liza

[moaning]

Ugh, Kelsey's really gonna marry this creep?

Oh, God, I hope not.

He better tell her the truth.

Otherwise, I have to. I can't lie to her.

All you do is lie to her.

I only lie about my past, not her entire future.

[iPad chimes]

Oh, Caitlin's a block away.

That's her.

And I've decided I'm gonna tell her the truth about my job.

Oh, not this again.

You just can't. You can't tell her anything.

I'm tired of all the secrets, Maggie.

Yeah, well, look, I'm tired of skinny jeans, but you just, you know, take a deep breath and hang in there.

Hello.

Sweetie!

Hi.

Yeah, don't act so surprised.

You're fully cyber tracking me.

Yeah, well, so is the government.

But I love you more.

Oh.

Mmm, baby.

I hate that I have to leave the minute you get here, but I really got to get to work.

Yeah, which is...

Can we have dinner tonight?

I'd really like to talk.

I'll explain everything.

Okay.

Good. I'm so happy you're home.

Yeah.

Hey, email me your course list.

I'm not taking chemistry, Mom.

Ugh, you can major in whatever you want, just get those pre-med courses under your belt.

Yeah, but the problem is, pre-med courses are hard.

Yeah, well, you know what? So is living in your car.

Come on. Come sit over here. I'll tell you about it.

Oh, Maggie.

[silently] Thank you.

Hi.

Bye, you guys.

Bye, Mom.

See you tonight.

[upbeat music]

♪ You close the book and shut it down ♪
♪ And find a way ♪
♪ And all that's left ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Is empty space ♪
♪ And all this time ♪
♪ I never believed it would come to this ♪
♪ Our final words, a fall from grace ♪

Oh, how nice of you to join us.

Perhaps you forgot we're releasing "Crown of Kings" tomorrow night?

Wha... are you kidding?

I can't wait to find out the ending to the series.

Do you know? Does Charles know?

Of course not. No one knows.

Bookstores nationwide are on an embargo until midnight.

Diana... hi.

Do you think there should be... [clears throat]

Here. You need to stay hydrated.

Yeah. Are we all set for the release?

Liza?

Oh, we're on it.

I've messengered every press pass, secured a backup generator, and I've triple-confirmed with the mayor's office about our Times Square permits.

Okay, good.

That's fine.

We will be fine.

Wow, Charles looks like he can barely breathe.

That's because he knows this is our most profitable franchise.

"Crown of Kings" basically carries the entire company.

It does?

Well, nobody likes to say so, but if Edward L.L. Moore ever jumped to another publisher or stopped writing, it would be the end of Empirical.

That is why he gets everything he wants, including personal approval over all of the actors who portray his characters in the Times Square event.

I've got the room all set up for the casting session.

I assume you're following Edward L.L. Moore snack protocol?

Uh... I'm not sure.

Marcona almonds, dried sour cherries, and Orbit gum in peppermint flavor, not spearmint, not smooth mint, peppermint.

He's in the elevator.

He's in the elevator. Get the snacks.

Snacks.

[elevator dings]

[laughing]

Teddy.

Charles.

Welcome home to Empirical.

Diana.

Ahh, mwah!

Oh, what a lovely reception.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I...

No, no.

Definitely didn't run over my foot.

Let's we proceed to the conference room.

Oh, my, look at that.

Oh, that's lovely, and this... [laughs]

So... so exciting.

Yes, yes, excellent.

You'll make a fine Ethrami King.

Thank you.

What fun seeing my characters in the flesh.

Just think what fun it will be for your fans in Times Square.

Are you ready to pick your Princess Pam Pam?

Ah, yes, the best for last, my princess of the Highlands.

Okay, this is Virginia, and as you see by her résumé, she has experience as both an actor and a model.

And when you're ready, Virginia, you scan the battlefields and the wreckage wrought by your lightning bolts, and you declare...

Beware the wrath of the sky.

Beware the wrath of the sky.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I'm just dropping off these refreshments for Mr. Moore.

Here you are, sir.

That's her.

That's my Princess Pam Pam.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat bouncy music]

Chateau Soixante.

Oh, my favorite.

Yes, we had it flown in from the Loire Valley just for you.

Because at Empirical, we know it's the details that matter, the small but crucial details.

My God. She walks like a lyric poem.

Here's our Princess Pam Pam.

Raise your glasses, everyone.

A toast.

To me?

Krozzen! Eye-ay! Urt yarb!

Which in the language of the Kronians means...

Health, gold, and s*x.

Diana is fluent in Kronish.

Flur dar ben-mallak.

Oh, your accent is perfect.

That's just another detail you'll get only at Empirical.

The last page of the entire series is actually written in Kronish, except for the final sentence.

Really?

You wouldn't care to elaborate, would you?

Afraid not.

No one can know the ending, unless, of course, you would like to hear it, Princess?

What, the ending to the entire series?

Of course I would.

Are you sure?

If I tell you, I'll have to eat you.

Oh, well, then maybe...

[whispering indistinctly]

Oh, my.

Now I'll have to eat you.

[laughs]

[coughing and laughing]

I can't believe you know the ending to "Crown of Kings."

I can't believe he's talking about eating me, and my bosses are just laughing along like it's 1960.

See, it doesn't matter what decade you're in.

The biggest moneymakers get to misbehave.

Hey, sweetie.

Would you rather sleep or have homemade blueberry muffins and talk before I go to work?

Are you serious?

[groans]

Sorry.

[groans]

Tell Caitlin I'll see her late tonight.

Beware the wrath of the sky.

I will.

[upbeat music]

[phone chimes]

[touch pad clicking]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Is any of that real?

It's all real.

Diana convinced Harry Winston to build that crown exactly how it's described in the series.

That crown was on "GMA" and "TODAY" today.

That crown is trending.

Donald Trump wants to wear the crown; tell him no.

Okay.

Amy Schumer wants to wear the crown; tell her yes.

And make sure you insist on getting a photograph of us together.

On it.

Okay, wait.

Is it true that Edward L.L. Moore told you the ending?

Yeah, it was his way of flirting with me.

Oh, you have to tell me.

The second I'm legally allowed to, I will.

Okay, I don't have to tell me who gets the crown, but you have to tell me who dies.

Somebody important? Somebody important always dies.

I can't say or I'll be trading my bridesmaid dress for an orange jumpsuit.

You love having your little inside scoop, don't you?

Believe me, I don't.

I hate keeping secrets from my friends.

Code red; your Princess Pam Pam costume was sent to your home address in Brooklyn.

You've got to race over there and get it.

Well, how am I supposed to get back to Times Square in time?

By going quickly.

Okay.

Oh, sorry, bye.

Bye.

[upbeat quirky music]

♪ ♪


Thad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi.

I had a meeting in Midtown.

I just wanted to give my fiancée a kiss.

Aww.

Is Liza around?

Oh, she had to go home to grab something.

She has the biggest secret and will not tell me.

She said that? Is she home right now?

Why are you so interested in Liza?

I'm not.

I mean, she's your friend and all that, but other than that, zero interest.

Okay, I... I wanted to talk to her about honeymoon destinations.

And I was trying to surprise you.

Oh, honey.

That's the sweetest thing ever.

Yeah.

Here's what we'll do.

I'll tell her about my dream honeymoon, then she'll tell you, and then I'll act really, really excited.

Sound good?

Sounds great.

[whispers] St. Barts.

[phone ringing]

Hi, Diana.

Don't go to Brooklyn. They found your costume here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

What about Brooklyn?

Don't go to Brooklyn.

Take the two to Brooklyn?

Don't.

I won't.

I take the L.

Just get back here.

♪ ♪

[door buzzes]

Hey, hey, you mind if I piggyback in?

I'm here to see Liza Miller.

Oh, that's my mom. She's not home.

Sorry, that's your mom?

Liza Miller is your mother?

Oh, God.

Please don't tell me you're her new boyfriend.

[foreboding music]

♪ ♪

Ooh, you look nice.

Thanks.

I'm going to an absinthe tasting at Maison Premiere.

I'd invite you, but they card.

It's okay. I'm waiting for Mom anyway.

Her job has, like, mental hours.

[laughs] Yes, it does.

Is that all you're gonna tell me?

[laughs] I'll tell you this.

Everything she's doing, she's doing for you.

'Night, hon.

Good night.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat triumphant music]

♪ ♪

That's the costume?

Well, yeah, it may be tiny, but at least it's fur.

I really appreciate this.

This is above and beyond.

It's... here.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[all chanting] Pam Pam, Pam Pam, Pam Pam, Pam Pam...

Ah, there's my princess.

You look perfect, my dear, absolutely delicious.

Oh, thank you.

But why don't you have a spear?

I want to see you gripping a long, powerful spear.

But, uh, Princess Pam Pam summons the power of the sky.

She doesn't need a spear.

In fact, she might prefer that men held their own spears.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Hello, everyone.

It's time to find out which lucky fans will get to wear the Crown of Kings with Edward L.L. Moore himself.

[cheers and applause]

And don't forget about who's waiting in the wings, our celebrity superfans: Seth Meyers...

[cheers and applause]

Ice-T...

Hey, crown my ass.

Misty Copeland, and Diane Rehm.

[cheers and applause]

You know, it's so nice to be at an event without Terry Gross here hogging the spotlight.

Actually, she's on her way.

She had a late dinner with Michelle Obama.

Oh.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

Princess, may I escort you to my heated trailer?

Oh, actually, I need to find the little princesses' room.

Ah, yes, of course.

Excuse me.

[exhales]

Mom?

Caitlin.

Yeah, I tracked you here.

I want to see what your big secret job is.

Uh.

Princess Pam Pam.

Yeah, can I?

Thanks.

Here you go.

Beware the wrath of the sky.

Oh, my God; you're a costume character in Times Square?

Just for today.

You do this for me, to put me through school?

I know. I'm so sorry. The costume's too...

No, don't be sorry.

You're amazing, Mom.

I love you.

And don't worry.

All right, the minute I get home, I'm signing up for chemistry.

What? Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

If you're working this hard, I've got to bring it too.

Okay, good.

[giggles]

Comedy tickets. Hey, do you like comedy?

No, thanks. No comedy tonight.

Okay, I love you.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry, but I got to go.

Oh, okay.

See you back at home.

All right.

Right?

Be safe.

Okay.

Hey, Fowler, it's Thad.

Can I get your password for the Dartmouth website?

I need some dirt on an alum.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Thanks, man. I'm in.

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

Damn.

♪ ♪

Fans of the Royal Saga, are you ready to find out who really wears the Crown of Kings?

[cheers and applause]

Some of us already know.

Now, when the doors open, please proceed directly to the registers in an orderly fashion.

[cheers and applause]

Now, are you ready?

[cheers and applause]

Let the countdown begin in five...

all: Four, three, two, one.

[cheers and applause]

[horn fanfare]

Finally our day is done.

Yes, finally.

And now, my Princess, I get to eat you.

I'm at the Four Seasons.

Okay, we are done here.

This princess needs rescuing...

Been on her feet all day.

Charles.

Edward, I'd like to introduce you to Diane Rehm.

I just got my copy.

Would you be good enough to sign it?

I'll do something even better.

I'll tell you how it ends right now.

But if I tell you, I'll have to eat you.

Challenge accepted.

Thank you for stepping in with Edward.

I should've done it hours ago...

Oh.

Except...

I know.

He's a... He's a big deal for Empirical.

Oh, to say the least.

The truth is, every time that he comes to town, I can't breathe.

The idea that my company...

My grandfather's company...

Can't exist without the overwritten fantasies of some handsy old man...

They really are overwritten.

Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want to know about the sales on Amazon?

Uh, oof.

Um, only if they're good.

What?

It's number one by a mile.

That's wonderful.

Oh, I thought you'd be happier.

Ahh, I'm... I'm more relieved than... than happy.

There's this small part of me that...

That always secretly hopes that maybe this time...

The whole thing would just come crashing down already?

It's a lot year after year of wondering if we'll make it.

And sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the bottom dropped out and I had to start over again.

What would I do?

What would you do?

I don't know.

Well, what's something you've always wanted to do, something you couldn't do because of your job?

Um...

Do you really want to know?

Yeah.

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

I've... I've got to go.

What happened?

I'm sorry. I just... I really have to go.

What's wrong?

Here.

Keep... keep... keep the coat.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Liza, are you stressed?

You look like you've aged, uh...

14 years since I last saw you.

I texted you, like, 100 times last night.

Oh, yeah, I was sleeping like a baby.

Leverage does that for you.

All right, what do you want, Thad?

Okay, here's how this is gonna work.

You are gonna delete that video.

You are going to attend our wedding as a bridesmaid.

And I will let you keep your job as long as you keep me happy.

What does that mean?

I don't know yet.

But I'll figure it out.

You know what?

You do what you got to do, but I'm showing her that video.

She deserves to know what kind of person she's gonna be spending the rest of her life with.

You can tell everybody about me.

I don't really care anymore.

Wait, wait. This isn't over.

Oh, yes, it is.

[steel creaking]

[gasps]