02x10 - Bad Romance

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

So I text Caitlin to say, "What are we doing for your birthday on Friday?"

And she's like, "Dinner? Brooklyn?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, can't wait."

And then she was like...

I have bad news.

How much longer is this story gonna take?

She wants to invite David to dinner.

What could be worse news than that?

[coffee pouring]

Oh. I see.

That's the girl who wrote the story about Josh for "T Magazine"...

Greta.

Ugh, what a whore.

That's a little harsh.

I mean publicity whore.

That's fair.

Since when is he a Friend of the High Line?

He doesn't even know the High Line.

Well, he does like to get high.

Well, at least he looks happy.

That's all that matters.

♪ ♪

Yeah, 'cause he's high.

♪ ♪

Public humiliation.

Good morning.

My ex, Andy, and his husband Eduardo had their engagement printed in the "New York Times."

They were the featured couple with the color pictures, so I get it.

Yeah, we just broke up, so it's pretty tough.

I'm feeling...

Liza, let's not wallow in it.

We have a lot of work to do today.

Right.

You have a conference call at 9:00, a marketing show-and-tell at 10:30, and you are Skyping with Greg from Powell's at noon.

Great.

Make a reservation at Aureole for 12:30.

I'm taking you to lunch.

Oh, okay.

And I have a jacket to cover up... that.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

This is nice.

Nice? This is a power booth, Liza.

From here we can see and be seen by everyone who comes in, and it was lit by the same guy who did Angela Lansbury's return to Broadway, so from two booths back, we look like infants.

You want my advice on your breakup?

Sure.

Invest in yourself.

Put everything into your career. It'll pay off.

Romance is... incidental.

But you work hard enough, and you will always have a job.

Oh, okay.

I guess.

And maybe someday...

I will join you at your power booth.

Diana, if I have a power booth, you'll be the first person I invite.

Christ, Jackie Dunn just walked in.

Here she comes. Hide the bread.

Jackie, what are you doing below 50th?

Oh, you know. Just keeping it real.

[laughs]

Actually, Mark and I just moved to Tribeca.

What?

It's a hike, but we love it, Here you go, Jackie.

I ran over as soon as I realized.

Oh, is it supposed to rain?

No, it's very sunny, and you can't go out in the sun for 10 days after...

It has been so good seeing you, Diana.

We really need to get a lunch on the books.

Definitely.

I don't need you anymore.

I...

You must be Emily, right?

I'm Liza, Diana's assistant.

We've GChatted.

Oh, hi.

Wow, you're not at all what I pictured.

You were so nice on the phone, I assumed you were, like, homely or twee, but you seem totally normal.

Uh, thanks. You seem normal too.

Hey, there's this young professionals mixer tonight in Chelsea.

They're totally fun, and it's not just publishing nerds.

It's assistants from all over Manhattan.

You should come.

Oh, tonight, I...

She'll be there.

Lean in.

Okay.

Uh, you can go.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, have you ever heard of the Young Professionals Society?

I got invited to their mixer.

Yeah, it's kind of dorky.

It's for people who are, like, desperate to move up.

You should check it out.

What, because I'm desperate?

No.

Because you're dorky.

[computer chimes]

Oh, my God.

Lauren is out of control.

She has turned into a complete bridesmaidzilla.

I don't know what to do.

Well, just be honest with her.

Tell her you want a low-key wedding.

I have, and then she pinched my arm really hard and said, "You're better than that."

Wow, okay.

Well, uh, maybe try to get her to focus on a less significant part of the wedding, like flowers.

Flowers are everything!

Okay, well, something else.

I mean, getting married is stressful.

Just make sure to focus on what's important to you.

Yeah.

Says the person who's never had to plan a wedding.

You got me there.

Babe, you have to help me with these wedding decisions, okay?

Of course, boo, I got you. We are in this together.

I'm just gonna have to take a call in, like, five.

All right, you two. Let's do this.

Uh, Kelsey, did you get my email about the dresses?

Yes.

I am not wearing a see-through wedding dress.

Why?

Because I don't want my grandma to see my Hello Kitty.

There was beadwork.

Okay, Lauren, if Kelsey doesn't want her choach showing, then it ain't showing. End of discussion.

I know, I know... I'm pushing you guys.

But it's my job.

It is?

Yes.

And you're pushing back, which I appreciate.

Together, we are gonna grind out something beautiful.

All right? I know it.

I just... I need you guys to stay open to this process, okay?

Fine.

Great.

Let's take a tour of the space, after I introduce you to your dream team.

Linda Chang, James Beard Award-winning sommelier.

Tammy Anders, pastry chef.

She'll be in charge of curating your venetian hour.

Matt Marks, social media concierge.

He will ensure your special day is documented on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

He will also come up with your hashtag.

Don't we just combine our names?

Mm-hmm.

We... we can do that.

Oh, really? Because you haven't.

Okay?

Matt also works with this Foto Robot, an interactive photo booth.

Hello, Kelsey and Thad.

Babe, got to jump on this.

Can't we just hire a human photographer?

Hey, Lauren.

[falcon screaming]

Lauren, I thought we talked about this.

I know, I know.

I just thought that if Jan and Bonnie came here in person that you might change your mind.

I do not want a predator flying around with our rings in its mouth.

Well, for your information, she wears them in a little pouch around her neck.

No.

Okay, I'd like Thad to weigh in.

Thad?

[falcon screaming]

God damn it!

That'd be a no from Thad, too.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Liza! Over here!

Hi.

Hey.

Wow, everyone looks like they're right out of college.

Honestly, some of these people are probably still in college.

It's so hard to get a job, if you land a summer internship, you just stay.

My degree never helped me get anything.

Where'd you go?

Um... Dartmouth.

No. When did you graduate?

Uh, '08.

So did I. Marta... Marta Beem?

They used to call me Deer Slayer, 'cause I sold venison steaks out of my dorm.

[laughs nervously]

[laughs]

That's not ringing a bell.

No, I totally know you.

Did you play volleyball?

Ski team.

Yes. Oh, my God, I remember you.

This is nuts.

You have to come to our Dartmouth alumni group next week.

Hey, Sierra.

This is Liza.

She's new.

Liza and I went to Dartmouth together.

She works in publishing.

Sierra's killing it at the hedge fund game over at Onyx Capital.

It is insane how much money I make.

Onyx Capital?

My, uh, my friend's fiancé works over there.

Thad Weber.

Thad is someone's fiancé? Ugh, yikes.

What do you mean "yikes"?

I just met you, so I feel like I shouldn't say anything, but in the spirit of helping women, I feel like I should.

You definitely should.

If it's gonna help women.

There's a rumor going around that Thad is hooking up with his assistant.

Apparently they do it in the 30th floor bathrooms every single day.

Ugh. Stall rabbits.

There's an infestation at my work.

Nobody's hooking up at my work, and I'm, like, totally DTF.

Uh, Thad? Are you sure?

I mean, I haven't, like, seen it.

But yes, I've heard from some very reliable sources.

I mean, he can be a jerk sometimes, but I rally don't think he would do that to Kelsey.

I'm not saying he's a terrible guy.

It's just all the portfolio managers think that screwing their assistant is part of the job.

Huh.

You can barely ever get a handicapped stall after 3:00 p.m. in that building.

Ew.

Damn.

Okay, so we took your advice, and I'm having Lauren throw me an engagement party...

Hopefully get all the crazy out of her system.

That's a great idea.

Yeah, so it's Saturday night at Barocco.

Is, um, Thad excited about it?

No. He's a guy.

He doesn't care about an engagement party.

He barely cares we're having a wedding.

What do you mean?

I mean... he cares, obviously, but you know, he just can't be bothered by any of the prep.

Well, does he have an assistant he wouldn't mind asking for personal favors?

Like, wedding stuff?

I think he shares an assistant with a bunch of other guys.

But he does have a lot of hot, single friends who'll be at the party, and there are benefits to rebound s*x.

Like confidence.

Come on, Josh is with this hot, new, Internet-famous girl, and you've got to be thinking about that.

I am now.

So get yours.

Temporary fixes are better than no fixes at all.

Are you really giving me this advice?

Yes.

Sometimes you got to get under someone to get over someone.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Well, this is fun.

Yeah, I'm so glad we're doing this.

Yeah.

Mm. How's work, sweetie?

Oh, it's good, good. Hectic.

I, uh...

You weren't asking me.

I was not.

[chuckles]

It's going well.

Dad and I are holding down the fort.

Caitlin's a bit of a natural with the cheek retractor.

Might be a dental school in our future over here.

Uh, I-I don't want to spend my life inside people's mouths.

No offense, Dad.

[accordion music]

Ooh, Liza.

Look at this fella over here.

Check him out.

What?

Ugh.

On our honeymoon in Italy, we were at this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant.

Uh, and the waiters just kept pouring the wine, and...

And your dad kept drinking it.

Well, I was being polite.

Well, he got really "polite" and decided to join the accordion band.

Join? What do you mean, join?

Well, they just... They put a little hat on me, and, uh, they gave me an accordion.

He took the accordion...

Well...

And started pumping away like he was bringing it back to life.

Oh, my God. Were you any good?

No.

No?

He was terrible.

Okay, I agree with that.

But when we got back to Jersey, remember, I went to a pawn shop, and I bought an accordion, and I taught myself to play a little.

Ugh.

No way.

Prove it.

Hmm. Okay, I will.

Yeah? Are you doing this?

I don't think you should.

Really?

Mom, it's my birthday.

Yeah, but this is not a gift.

Oh, yeah?

Believe me.

What are you doing?

Can I just... can I just use this for a second?

David...

Heavier than I remember.

David...

Oh, that's cool.

Can I get your hat, too? Thanks.

I appreciate it.

I apologize.

[laughs]


[strums accordion]

Oh!

[plays masterfully]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

♪ ♪

Yay!

Bravo!

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Yeah!

[applause]

That's my dad.

Whoo!

I'm just saying, no other parents dressed up to take their kids trick-or-treating.

No other parents were as creative as we were.

[laughing] Oh, okay.

You remember the time we dressed her up as a little white tiger?

And then you and I went as... Who were those...

Siegfried and Roy.

Yeah!

Yes!

And every door we'd go to, Mom would just hold me up to her face and scream, "Mantecore, no!"

Yeah, some people got it.

[laughter]

Oh, wow, uh, it's later than I thought.

[clears throat]

Do you guys mind if I go?

I told Padma I'd meet her, like, a half hour ago.

Oh.

Of course, go.

Get out of here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's okay.

Happy birthday, baby.

Muah.

Be safe, please.

Okay.

All growed up. Come here, you.

Love you... happy birthday.

Thank you for dinner.

Really great time.

Yeah.

Ugh, my God, it's crazy how old she is.

[laughing] It's crazy how old we are.

Doesn't seem to have affected you.

You look great.

Yeah, right.

[sighs] Oh man, I miss this, Liza...

Us together as a family.

I know it's all my fault. You don't have to say it.

Oh, I wasn't gonna. I was just gonna smile and nod.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

So I hear through the grapevine that you're, uh, seeing somebody.

[clears throat] We broke up.

Ha! You dumped him already?

He kind of dumped me.

What?

Oh, the guy is clearly an idiot.

[clears throat] Some more?

Uh, a splash.

[sighs]

I know you think I'm a bad person, Liza, but I'm not.

Don't tell me what I'm thinking.

You don't know me.

I've changed.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

In fact, some people might say I'm a bad guy.

Well, you do seem different.

Not bad, just... I don't know, sort of... cooler.

Oh, yeah, well, I am cool.

You'd be surprised.

Surprise me.

[chuckles]

Another bottle?

Mm-mmm.

Yeah, please.

[upbeat music]

Oh, you do not have to walk me home.

Well, I'm the one with the umbrella, plus you... you do not look safe in those boots.

What?

When did you even start wearing boots like that?

It's so hot.

About the same time I started wearing hot underwear like this.

Whoa, wait a second!

I want to see that. Do that again.

Yeah, you missed out on this, baby.

Hey.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I was... I was...

[energetic music]

[thunder crashing]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[thunder crashing]

Ugh.

What's the matter?

You have a bad dream?

Ugh, I wish.

I drank too much at dinner, and something horrible happened.

I had s*x with my husband.

My God.

I heard you clunking around.

I thought you were making food, not slicing pie with David.

Oh, gross, gross, gross, gross.

Now he's gonna think we have a shot at getting back together.

Well, I can go sneak into your room and put my pointy knee right into his ball sack.

He'll be hauling ass back to New Jersey before the sun comes up.

[laughs]

Thank you.

[chuckles]

This is my mess.

Ugh, I'll deal with it... in the morning.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[laughing] Oh, my God.

He's not here.

Maybe it really was a bad dream.

Nah, it was real.

You had a one night stand with your husband, and he left you a note.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Ugh.

"That was fun." Ugh.

So something a dentist would say after a routine filling.

Ew. [scoffs]

I'm behaving like an actual 26-year-old: having rebound s*x.

More like boomerang.

And pining over my ex-boyfriend.

I've re-read all of our texts.

I scroll through our photos whenever I'm bored.

I can't keep doing this.

I'm not some emo teen who just lost her virginity.

No, you're a 40-year-old mother.

Yeah.

And a 26-year-old marketing assistant.

Right.

And a considerate roommate who wouldn't mind schlepping my sheets to the Laundromat on her way to work.

On it.

♪ You light me up inside ♪
♪ And make me come alive ♪
♪ You know you light me up inside ♪
♪ You know you turn me on ♪
♪ You got me burnin' up ♪
♪ You got it goin' on ♪
♪ You in your zone, don't slow it down ♪

Hey, this party is amazing.

But could you imagine if it was my wedding?

My cousins with their home-schooled children eating sushi off of drag queens?

No, this is not a place for churchy cousins.

Whoo. All right, squad.

Would you fancy a picture?

[laughs]

Okay.

Cheers.

Long live the union of Kelsey and Thad.

Okay, you two should go get in line for the Cava chandelier.

I have to go deal with Lordy GuyGuy.

Who?

Lordy GuyGuy.

The best Gaga impersonator in the city.

He even impersonates her power trips.

If you'll excuse me...

[pop music]

So where's Thad?

Uh, brah-ing it up somewhere.

He's got all of his work friends here to entertain.

Is that, uh, someone from work?

Her?

Um, I don't know. Maybe.

Well, should we go meet her?

Chat her up? Scare her off... whatever?

What does that mean?

Uh, just that it's Thad, and you know, he's talking to a pretty girl.

Liza, this is my engagement party.

You are not allowed to insinuate that my fiancé is flirting with someone.

[sighs] Okay, you know what?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I just... God, this breakup is just really messing with my head.

Yeah, because that's what breakups do.

You need some physical activity.

Get you out of your head.

Just say the word, okay?

Any guy in here in an expensive suit is looking for a "smash and dash."

Ha, well, actually, I took care of that last night with a married man.

Well, actually divorced.

Oh, my God.

Divorced guys are so tragic.

Where did you meet him?

At a restaurant.

He was playing the accordion.

[gasps] Oh, that sounds gross.

It was really gross.

Did sleeping with him at least help the Josh situation?

It made me realize that I want to focus on work, and not guys and relationships for a while.

Ah. Big belly, small dick?

You know what?

You can be the one to focus on relationships, because you're getting married.

It's a really big deal.

I'll carry the ball for a while.

Okay, I'm gonna let you focus on work, but if you change your mind, my uncle George plays bagpipe in a Celtic rock band.

Ooh, tempting.

♪ ♪
♪ Oh, oh, we started a war ♪
♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ Till we come down ♪
♪ ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Till we come down ♪

Oh, my gosh.

I just have to say, this is the best party I have ever thrown.

Good. Enjoy it.

Yes! Wait until the wedding.

You're not doing the wedding.

What?

I'm sorry, Lauren.

I love you, but my wedding is going to be what I want.

Right, and I assumed you wanted something awesome.

I want something quiet in a church...

Somewhere I can bring my parents, something where the sushi is stationary, and my dress won't be see-through.

It'll be white...

[gasps]

Ish.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't do that!

I'm sorry, Lauren.

Throw a lunatic parade of a wedding when you get married.

[gasps] Fine, you know what?

I will.

Good.

And I will be right there with you the whole time.

Thank you. That is really sweet.

I tried to hijack your wedding, didn't I?

Yeah.

Okay.

I am... I am so sorry.

No more over-the-top suggestions, all right?

I promise.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

At least consider the falcon.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm gonna make this short.

My Kelsey.

You... you know that you are like another daughter to me.

And I love you dearly.

And I wish you only good things.

She's like a daughter to both of us.

Yes, she is.

May your marriage be filled with as much happiness and hot s*x as ours.

Mazel tov, everybody!

[cheers]

She's an animal, this woman!

An animal!

All right.

Cheers, guys.

Are we done... it's over?

You mind if I, uh... You mind if I do one, guys?

Give him the mic. Hey, hey, give him the mic.

[cheering] Here.

What's up?

So, uh, I know we're all here to "cheers" the happy couple, but, um, I got to raise the glass to my boy.

Thaddeus!

Whoo-whoo!

Onyx Capital forever!

[cheering and light applause]

I love you.

I love you, Thaddy.

Thank you, thank you, Tim.

Dude, come on.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

One last thing, you guys.

Kelsey and Thad, to your love.

May it be wild, beautiful, dangerous, and majestic.

Swoop, Bonnie! Swoop!

[guests murmuring]

Come... come on, Bonnie.

Get down here on my glove, Bon.

Bonnie, go.

Bonnie!

I'll be right back.

[microphone clatters]

[energetic music]

♪ Tick, tock, tick, tock ♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Take your places ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We're gonna rain tonight ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I got you hypnotized ♪
♪ I'm gonna make you mine ♪

Either you tell her, or I will.

♪ I got you hypnotized ♪

[confetti bangs]

[cheers]

♪ ♪