02x05 - Jersey, Sure

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

How'd you get to be big spoon, huh?

I'm supposed to be big spoon.

Oh, ah.

Okay, never mind. I like being little spoon.


Wanna fork?


[phone ringing]

Oh, I've got to get to work.


I know. I'm sorry.

[phone chimes]

Ooh, I have got an interesting new Instagram follower.

Don't tell me.

It's a... a young, hot teenage girl who just loves your tattoos.

Oh, I hate it when I'm right.

No, it... It's your daughter, Caitlin.

What? No, ban her.

You mean block her?

Yes, block... Block her.

Come on. She's following the band.

I think it's nice.


She wants to get to know me.

I think that's a good thing.

I guess it is, but I...

Okay, look, um...


This divorce has been really hard on Caitlin, and I don't want to throw anything new at her unless we're...

You know, we're serious.

We're not serious, hmm?

I, um... We are serious.

I just want to give her more time, and I want to give us more time.


But you have to get to work.

Can you be really quick?

I can be so quick.



[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

I'm not saying you can't follow him.

I just don't know why you're following him.

Because everybody follows everybody.

Please join the 21st century, Mom.

Okay, I'll start following Arjun.

Okay, okay, I'll unfollow Josh.

Thank you.

I just can't believe you're actually with that guy.

I mean, he's so hot.


This is so weird.

It's totally weird.

So when are you gonna come stay with me?

Oh, soon. Dad really needs me, Mom.

He can't afford a full-time assistant, and, you know, I'm good with the bite plate.

Is that even legal?

Is that guy you're dating?

Ha ha. I'll talk to you later, sweetie, okay?

I love you.

All right, love you too, Mom.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Jade, we're all just buzzing about your book.

Not that we've read anything.

We understand your concern that something could leak, but, uh, Kelsey tells me that your pages are like nothing she's ever seen.

Kelsey, you are too kind.

I'm just being honest.

They are like nothing I've seen.


So that's exciting.

Obviously, the cover needs to be really special, so the team has been kicking around a few ideas.

I'm the cover.

Oh, that's a given.

We were thinking black and white.

It could be gorgeous.


I will be sitting on a subway next to a homeless man, pleasuring myself under my Balmain pleated leather skirt.

Okay, the camera will be placed here.

The picture will be taken at the exact moment I climax.

That is the cover of my book.

My orgasm.

[laughs] It's genius, right?

That is...

It gets better.

You know those kids' cards when you open them and they play, like, "Who Let the Dogs Out" or whatever?

So when you open my book, this is what you'll hear.

Oh, yes!

[moaning in ecstasy]

Well, the book signing should be fun.

I hope you're able to make this cover happen.

It's pointless unless I start seeing pages.

This book is on an accelerated production schedule.

We want to be in stores in six months.

Where am I going on my book tour?

Nowhere unless I start seeing pages immediately.

Well, I was going to bring them today, but then I read them, and they're, like, terrible.

Every writer is their own worst critic.

No, what if I'm right, though? What if you hate them?

I won't hate them. This book is my baby, Jade.

I will love those pages from the moment they're in my arms.

Plus, they're, like, messy and handwritten and, like, illegible.

That is what Hemingway turned in.

Yeah, but he was at, like, a divey bar getting drunk with his editor.

You want to do it that way?

We can do it that way. I don't care, okay?

I just want to be in the same room as your pages.

Okay, let's meet tomorrow night at the Horseshoe at the back booth around...


Mm, I was thinking more like 12:00, 1:00.

We are really behind.



Okay, 6:00.

Ah, I just said okay! Gosh, chill.

Don't be so thirsty.

I am chilling. I am always chill...

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪





What are you guys doing here?

What are we doing here?

What are you doing at a hipster bluegrass bar, you former Girl Scout leader?

We're too late to save her, Michelle.

She's fully Brooklynized.


You have wiped your mind clean of all things New Jersey.

That's a good one, but seriously...

We follow our daughter on Instagram, who follows your daughter, who follows this band.

Two Tweets and a Snapchat later, we come to learn you have a new man in your life.

[laughs nervously]

I think someone's buying real estate in Cougartown.

Go get me a Pinot Grigio.

I am so sorry.

I made him swear 100 times not to say the word "cougar."

Which only guaranteed that he would.

Don't worry about it.

We'll be out of here in just a second.

We're having dinner nearby.

I just wanted to...

Is that him?

Uh, yeah.

Shut the front door.

Oh, stop it.

He's not a prize steer.

Here I've been worrying my head off about you.

Meanwhile, you have been living the dream.

[cheers and applause]

How does this happen?

Oh, you know how these things happen.

No, I don't. I honestly don't.


Hey, Josh.

This is my very good friend Michelle from New Jersey.

Cool. It's nice to meet you.

Oh, you guys are great. I love your sound.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, this is my husband, Tom.



No, I, uh... I was just saying there's so much about Liza's life that I don't know anything about, you know?

Like the whole part of your life you spent in New Jersey.

Part of her life?

Well, this is pretty much the highlights reel right here.

Shh, we don't want people to know that we're from New Jersey.

We got fake IDs saying we're from Oregon.


I love your shirt.

Oh, thank you.

My daughter gave it to me 'cause I'm kind of a foodie.

I love truffle butter.

Do you?

I'm kinda famous for it.

Oh, you guys should come for dinner.

And to see the trellis.

[gasps] The trellis.

I am such a space noodle.

How could I not even mention the new trellis?

Well, let's not say anything.

You'll just have to come over for dinner and see for yourself.

Oh, that... Well, I'll call you.

Well, screw that.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

We're free.

Oh, no.

So are we.

Tomorrow's n...

Tomorrow night sounds great.


Truffle butter!


Dinner, okay.

Well, enjoy your night.

Yeah, I'll text you.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Nice to meet you.


So, so nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

It is just...

Yeah, tomorrow.


Do you have any idea what you just did?


They seem like really nice people.

I... this will be fun. I am excited.


Can I ask you one question, though?

What's a trellis?

[upbeat vocal music]

If it's making you this crazy, just call and cancel.

I can't.

Josh really wants to go.

What's more important, what you want or Josh wants?

I can't decide. You pick.

You need me to tell you to pick you?

Woman up.

You say that like I know who I am, but I don't, because I am no longer a person.

I'm a game of Risk.

Ugh, all right.

Here are all the people who know me as a 40-year-old mom from New Jersey.

Now, they seem like a fairly distant, harmless group of people, but as it turns out, it was really a dormant sleeper cell that just got activated by my daughter.

Now, over here are all the people who think I'm a 26-year-old publishing assistant.

I like to think of these people as a nuclear power plant that's, like, gonna explode at any moment.

You know that's not how you play Risk, but go on.

All right, now, here is Josh.

Now, Josh fell in love with this version of me but now knows that this is me, and things aren't as good.

He knows everyone over here, and now he knows some of the people over here, including my daughter, Caitlin, who is following him on Instagram.

What about me? Why am I not on the board?

Because you're home. You're the safety zone.

Oh, okay.

Now, all it would take to blow up my life completely is one more line from here to here.

Do you realize what you've drawn here?

Your life is not a board game.

It's a spider web.

But I should be okay, right?

'Cause I'm the spider.

I think you're also the fly.

[rock music]

Redmond, this is unacceptable.

Jade agreed to a schedule.

I should have the first five chapters of her book by now.

And you're telling me this why?

I can't get her on the phone.

She won't respond to my texts.

She promised to meet me here over an hour ago.

Oh, she promised?

Uh-huh, go on.

Dude, I broke the bank to get this book.

She's an anarchist. What do you want?

I want her ass sitting across from me, delivering the pages that she promised, or she's gonna be in breach of contract.

She will have to return her entire advance, all of it, including your commission.

I got it. I got it. I'll handle it.

You do that.

[sighs deeply]

[phone chimes]

Did I see what?

♪ Ground was shaking ♪

No, no, no, no, no.

sh1t, sh1t.

♪ Let's take a long trip ♪
♪ On a big old cruise ship ♪

Man, this is exciting.

[laughs] What is?

Jersey: the home of Bruce Springsteen, the Sopranos, Jon Bon Jovi.

You make it sound like you've never been to New Jersey.

I haven't.

Wait, you've been to Tokyo and Peru, and you've never been to New Jersey?

How is this possible?

I-I literally never had a reason.

Plus, I hate tolls.


Really, a lollipop?

I mean, they're already well aware there's an age difference.

Babe, it's a pot pop.

Edible marijuana so I'm relaxed.

No, no, no, no, you're the one who wanted to go to the suburbs of New Jersey.

You have to experience this raw.

No hemp-colored glasses.

Hemp-colored glasses?

All: Hey.

You made it.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you again.


Nice to see you.

Nice to see you too.

This is for you.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I hope you like steak.


Love steak.


With truffle butter.

Yum, yum.

Thanks for this. I'm gonna go decant it.

Come on in.

I think we should say something.

About what?

She obviously has no idea what truffle butter is.

It's not butter made with truffles?


Okay, you are officially not allowed to give me any more crap about not knowing what a trellis is.

Well, what is it, then?

Later, after dinner.

Don't Google it.

I can look it up.

Okay, fine.

You... you guys have a really lovely place here.

Oh, my God.


Jade is blowing her advance before I see pages.

"Check out my new python-skinned boots."


#BlowingMyAdvance, #ChestyPeters.

Who's Chesty Peters?


So on top of all of this, she's also mocking me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, she actually thinks that's your name.

She has the entire budget for my imprint.

She can destroy me. Why?

I am so nice.

Am I not the nicest person that you know?

Yes, yes, of course you are.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, here. Here, she just tweeted this.

Douche Burger Kings?

#BlowingMyAdvance, #ChestyPeters.

I mean, at least she's feeding homeless people hamburgers.

No, those aren't hamburgers. Those are douche burgers.

They're made with lobster, caviar, foie gras, and they're served in a gold-leaf wrapper.

Dude, these... These cost $600 each.

They're from a food truck.

Wharton graduates. They're the wacky MBAs.

I have to stop her.

We gotta go get her.

I'm leaving right now.

You go out. I'll call the Uber.

Excuse me, sorry. I like your jacket.

Tell me about the s*x.

It's mind-blowing, isn't it?

Oh, I don't...

Like, curl-your-toes, off-the-carts mind-blowing?


It's, uh... it's... it's... It's... it's pretty good.

Of course it is. Look at him.

Oh, my God, Liza, you deserve this.

After everything you went through with David.


Give me some details.

Oh, come on. I don't... I'm not...

I don't really feel comfortable.

Are you kidding me?

What is the point of having a boy toy if you can't share the details with your bored, married friend?

He's not a boy toy.

Oh, come... I know he's young, but you've met him now.

And we actually have something.

Okay, all right.

I really don't want to be the one to say this, but I'm afraid if I don't, no one else will, so...

Say what?

You're acting like a girl who met a boy, but you're not.

You're a middle-aged divorcée who needs validation that she's still got it.

That's what Josh is. He's your 911.


Well, I mean the Porsche.

God, this is so difficult.

Feel free to stop at any time.

I'm saying this as your friend.

You know this will end.

I mean, Demi Moore couldn't make it work, and she's gorgeous.

I mean, not that you're not. You are.

But, listen, people age in spurts, like growth spurts.

Right, you look great now, but another couple years, you could get slammed with an age spurt, and then where are you?

You have wasted your last gasp of youth on Mr. Hunkalicious when you could be finding a real partner, someone appropriate, someone you don't have to hide from your friends.

Josh is.

Oh, no, don't say he's a real partner.

Come on.

I know it feels good now.

I just don't want you to mistake it for something it's not and wind up getting hurt all over again.

Are you ready to see the trellis?

Oh, the trellis.

Come on.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪




Missed her.


What are we gonna do?


Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here, she just tweeted this.

Where do you even get a gold coke straw?


Oh, my God, she's literally blowing her advance.

What... what am I gonna do?

Wait, wait.

Screenshot that.

Okay, blow it up.

[gasps] Look at that moisturizer.

That is from a guest room at the Gramercy Park Hotel.

How do you know that?

Oh, it's where Hector goes to blow off steam and the room service waiters.

Okay, ready? One, two...

Prepare to be blown away.

[magical chiming]


I feel like I could spend the rest of my life just looking at this.

Thanks, man.


Liza, isn't it unreal?


[cosmic music]

♪ ♪

You okay?

My heart is pumping really loudly in my chest.

Can you hear it?

Your heart?



Did you eat the lollipop?




Did you eat the whole thing?

I feel...

I feel, um, wow.

She ate a lollipop?

I did!

Sugar makes me nuts-o.

Yeah, hmm.

I'm hypoglycemic.

Yeah, she's gonna be all right.

Um, I think we should probably get going, though.

We had such a great time.

Thank you guys so much.

Next time, more protein.

Eat more steak.

With truffle butter.


Come on.

Michelle, you so nasty.



Why am I nasty?

What's wrong with truffle butter?


Google it.

No, don't, don't.

Just bye, bye.

Google it. Google it, now.


[dance music playing]

Jade, open the door!

Hey, quick question.

Um, would you be mad if I stayed at this party?

No, I thought so.

Jade Winslow.

Oh! Hey, Chesty.

Do you not know my name?

Is everybody getting their face painted?

Where are my pages?

Oh, is that why you're here?

Is that why you busted into my party and threatened my agent and won't stop harassing me over some, like, stupid pages?

Yes. I need those.

I don't know how you expect me to publish your book without them.

Don't you get it?

Okay, bitch, there is no book.

I am so screwed.



How you feeling?

So stupid.

I'm sorry I ate your lollipop.

It's okay.

For future reference, though, you're supposed to lick it.

You're not supposed to eat the whole thing.


Why'd you do it, though?


Michelle sort of got under my skin.

About what?


Don't worry about it.

Come on.

If we're gonna have this relationship, we have to talk.

You can't hide from everything.


Michelle sort of pointed out that the math between us presents problems.

And what do you think?

I think she's not wrong.


Go on.

I guess I kind of do worry that this has an expiration date.



A lot of reasons?

I mean, maybe you'll want to have kids someday.



Maybe we should just get married and start having kids.

[laughs softly]

Shut up.

You shut up.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

Look, I don't know what our future holds, but I know I don't want to bail on this.

Me neither.

So can we keep going?


[upbeat music]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪