02x04 - The Jade Crusade

[woman moaning]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[moaning and gasping]

Okay, that was nice.

I know.

I have never been this sexually in sync with someone before.

It's like, you know exactly what buttons to press on my body without me ever having to tell you.

You know, I usually have to be so verbal in bed.

Don't you agree? That we're sexually in sync?

And that's why that I decided last night I am ready to be gender monogamous.

Monoga-what now? With me?

Yes, from this point on, you'll be the only woman that I sleep with.

Aw, you make me feel so special.

But you know, at this point in your life, you really should keep your options open.

Why, when I have all the woman I'm ever gonna want right here?

You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age.

I was always crazy in love with someone.

And usually the wrong one.

But you need to learn to protect your heart.

But why?

It's not like you protected your heart.

You put it right here.

Who's Belinda?

Were you very, very much in love?

Okay, okay, enough snuggling.

I get it. I get it.

It hurts too much to talk about.

Don't worry. I'm very patient.

You can tell me tonight. Dinner?

Can't have dinner tonight. I got to work late.

Oh, yeah, you know what, I actually might have to work late too.

So just drinks, then.

Do you ever take no for an answer?


[airy music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Okay, your outfit is totally killing it today.

Especially those boots.


Wait, I don't look like I'm trying too hard, do I?

No, you look like, "I woke up like this."

Except, you know, you brushed your teeth.

Wait, are you nervous about the Jade Winslow pitch?

Yeah, I'm literally freaking out, Liza.

Jade Winslow would be the perfect first author for "Millennial."

Her fashion blogs get more hits than every single Buzzfeed list combined.

She could make or break a new designer, and she's only 25.


Don't let the Trout reel you in.

Don't worry, I'll jump off the hook quickly.


At least I'll try.

I'm not sure if you're aware, but Charles is getting the coveted Oprah Award at the Women in Literature Luncheon for his charity, Books Into Buildings.

Oh, is that an architectural foundation?

No, they use recycled pulp from unsold books to build schools for girls in Nigeria.

Or is it Sierra Leone? Find that out!


I have been given the prestigious task of introducing Charles at the luncheon, and I intend to shine.

So set up a cut, color, mani-pedi, full wax: North Pole, South Pole, and the equator.

What about the Panama Canal?

I'm not a p0rn star, Liza!

Hi, Diana.

Jade Winslow's here, and I could really use Liza.

Liza's busy.

Actually, I was thinking that you could sit in on the meeting too.

We really want to land this author, and your marketing expertise could totally help seal the deal.

I'm sorry; do I look like I'm made of time?

Give me five minutes.

Ah, Kelsey, darling, how are you?

My love!

Liza, this is Redmond, Jade's agent, and I must say he's the best in the biz.

She's exaggerating. But she isn't.

It's so nice to meet you.

Ow! You clawed me.

Jade, we're so excited to have you here.

I'm a huge fan.

Give her a sec.

She's just wrapping up a Twitter feud with Karl Lagerfeld.

It takes him ages to respond.

You know, 'cause of the gloves.

How do you say "power bottom" in German?


All right, let's go.

[clears throat]

My book is going to do to the Meatpacking District what "The Jungle" did to the meatpacking industry.

Okay, the beauty business is teeming with fake-ass sycophants, and I'm planning on bringing the worst offenders to their knees.

Okay, so you can think of my tell-all as, like, "The Devil Wears Prada" but, like, on speed, only there will be no thinly veiled references in my book.

Okay, if I'm talking about "Vogue," like, I'll just say, "Vogue."

Right, to the flack in the room that's worried about libel, just don't be, okay, because these lips and these lips, they don't lie.

That's quite a v*g1n* monologue.

I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft.

She has the ears of a wolf.

Ann Taylor Loft? Hardly.

This is Alexander McQueen.

Not the turtleneck. Not the boots.

"Millennial" is perfect for this, Jade, okay, both from a strategic and editorial standpoint.

No one is better capable of integrating your already established online presence with our youth-based branding and social media expertise.

Yes, we'd really love to discuss some marketing strategies...

I'm sorry, but "marketing strategies" sounds like something a sad dad would have on his Linkedln page.

Okay, just, like, talk to me, all right?

Why you?

I mean, are you cool?

Yes, yes.

We are very, very cool.

[whispers] Get me out of here.

Sorry to cut this short, but we've got to skeedads.

Scrivener is waiting for us at Polo Bar, and it's Jade's favorite place to not eat.


I want this book.

Everyone does.

There's a bidding war.

If you want to get in the game, go in high... sky high.

We'll be in touch.


I've never been so sure a book is going to be a best seller.

I say we should go all in.



Shut the door.

Oh, my God. Is that his...

Wow. Don't touch it.

This is incredibly embarrassing for Charles and for Empirical.

Other blogs are already starting to pick it up...

[knock on door]

There is a... A small matter that I need to talk to you about.

We know. Not small.

We've seen it.

I don't know what to say.

It was very humid, and the fabric on those shorts was very thin.

These things happen.

There's no need to explain yourself.

I can assure you, we will get it off.





That would be just...

Thank you.

Get it offline now!

But how?

I don't know. That's your job.


♪ ♪

I once dated a guy who was hung like a horse.

Yeah, he was only, like, 4 feet tall and had this tiny little torso, so when it got hard he could, like, rest his chin on it...

You know, like, "The Thinker."


No, it was hot.

Oh, uh-oh, Charles' pic just went up on freeballin.net.

Good thing the perv that runs that site owes me.

It'll be down in five.

Thank you so much for helping me with this, Lauren.

I didn't even know where to start.

Listen, okay, all I ask is that you put in a good word for me with that goddess roommate of yours.

Okay, because she's playing hard to get and it is really...

[computer chimes]



No, no, no, we got to pick up the pace.

It just went up on two more sites, and oh, God, it has a name now.

What are they calling it?

The Empiriconda... accurate.

Every time Lauren gets the Empiriconda off one website, it pops up on another.

Whoa, I don't understand how he walks, let alone runs runs the bases, or, quite frankly, why he even needs a bat, damn.

Remember the good old days when you could take an embarrassing photo without fear that it would be posted on a worldwide platform for millions of eyes to see where it could feasibly exist until the end of days?

Why do you think I still own a Polaroid?

I thought you were off that.

I have a secret stalker account.

You know, to spy on enemies and old flames.

Whose page are you looking for?

[gasps] The infamous Belinda?


I always wondered what she looked like.

I mean, look at this.

Is it me, or does every one of these pictures look like the ones that come with the frame?

It reminds me of my old profile page right before we got the divorce.

Everything's just a little too perfect.

I mean, look at her.

She looks miserable, poor thing.

She was an incredible artist, you know?

Why don't you have Josh cover up that tattoo with a new one?

No, you know, I wear it like a badge of honor.

I mean, this woman nearly destroyed me.

I'm proud of myself for surviving it.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Nah, she wasn't really.

She was just, like, one of those people who was afraid to live the life that she wanted to live.

I mean, one minute we were in love, and the next thing you know I'm reading about her engagement in "The New York Times" to this dude.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it would have been nice to hear that from Belinda.

A simple apology would've saved me so much angst.

But everybody is somebody's monster, right?

Oh, my God, are they on a log in matching denim?

They are in pumpkin spice hell.



[upbeat music]

Okay, I've successfully removed the Empiriconda...

The Empiriconda?

Oh, uh, yeah, you didn't know?

They named it.

It's off of Gawker, Vulture, Show Me the Chub, PorkSword.net, and The New Yorker.

The New Yorker?

Is there no class left in this world?

I know, they shouted and murmured the crap out of it.

But there haven't been any new posts in the last hour.

I'll keep checking, but I think we squashed it.

♪ ♪

Hey, I've got Redmond on the phone.

Where have you been? I made the offer.

Kelsey, I'm impressed. $250,000.

That's enough to take this book off the market.

So... Let's make a deal!

We're not quite there yet, darling.

Jade really likes that your imprint is run by young people like herself, but she's worried you might be, no offense, a little basic.

She wants an editor she can have fun with.

I'm fun.

I know, sweetie.

And you'll have a chance to prove it.

She wants you to meet her out tonight in a more casual setting, get to know you.

Really? Great.

Oh, and what's the name of that tall awkward girl again who works with you?


Yes, Liza. Bring her too and bring your boyfriends.

She doesn't want tonight to be a "taco truck."

Her words... and also mine.

Got it. We'll be there.

Great, I'll have my assistant e-mail you the details.


Tall awkward girl?

♪ ♪

I think you forgot half your shirt, babe.

It's a crop top, okay? And it's on trend.

I'm not afraid to show a little skin.

I'm fun!

You're definitely fun.

You look like one of the Fly Girls.

One of the who?

Hey, look, there's Jade.

Hey, sloots! Welcome.

You know, I just did a piece on my blog on how I wish the overalls trend would trip and fall into an active volcano, but you're making me reconsider it... a little.



So a round of shots on me?


Hey, is anyone fiending to hit the dance floor like me?

Chillax, Miley Cyrus.

Okay, it is a Tuesday, which means some of us are hungover and out of drugs.

So unless you have a bag of Molly to get me going, then my ass is gonna remain in this seat until I've successfully drank away my headache.

Did somebody say Molly?

Who is this fine young thing?

This is Thad, my boyfriend.

Not bad, Kelsey. He's hot.

He is hot, isn't he?

Oh, and where's Josh?

Oh, he's on his way.


How did you know my boyfriend's name?

Oh, you must have said it.

Did I?

Shoo! Okay, go. Go on! Go!

Gosh, you make out with a lumbersexual for five minutes and he clings on like an effing genital wart.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, whiskey!

To the Cliterati!

All: Cliterati! Whoo!


Cheers, all right.


So then I discovered this guy had fallen asleep on the couch pants around his ankles, a tissue box next to him, and a porno blasting on the computer.

Hey, babe, that's what you get for asking for a key.

You got caught wet-handed!


I love this song! Let's dance!

Come on! Come on, guys!

You two go. I'm still not drunk enough.

No, go dance. Have fun, I'll stay.

Jade, I'm just curious.

Are you at all worried about pissing people off with this book?

[laughs] No, no, I'm excited.

Last week I watched a cover girl's waist get photoshopped to the size of my pinky, her chest inflated to alien-Barbie-sized proportions, and her wrinkles virtually expunged.

All this business does is perpetuate the wanked-out notion that youth and beauty are the only things that define a woman's worth.

I would rather slit my carotid artery than spend one more day in an industry that faults me simply for growing older.

I mean, it is so sheisty.

Yeah, it is sheisty, isn't it?


Ugh, this idiot.


Do you two know each other?

Yeah, you could say that.

[crowd gasps]

Whoo, I have waited forever to do that.

Sayonara, bitches.



I don't think you're getting that book.

Josh, I had no idea. You used to go out with Jade?

Yeah, unfortunately.

We dated for a couple months. It was fun for a while.

Then it wasn't. She's batshit crazy.

So what happened?

She wouldn't let me go. I mean, I told her it was over.

Didn't matter.

She kept climbing up my fire escape.

Wait, is that butt stuff?


I mean she was literally climbing up my fire escape.

I couldn't get rid of her!

Finally she took me to one of those stupid fashion parties and I met this really hot model and I thought, "Two birds, one stone." You know?

I hook up with the model and...

Jade gets the message.

That is genius.

So you cheated on her?

I had to do something.

Okay, the point is, you totally disrespected her.

Fine! I'm sorry, okay?

I admit I was wrong.

She's a total nutjob.

Yeah, a nutjob whose book is gonna make some other publisher a ton of money.

Nice work, Josh.

How is this my fault?

[dance music]

♪ ♪

Charles, I am proud to say that I have successfully handled your... situation.

And now the first thing that comes up when you Google yourself is the "Page Six" story about your wife leaving you.

That's great news. Thanks so much, Diana.

Oh, come on, it was my pleasure.

I don't mean pleasure.

It was... it was difficult, meticulous work.

I know. I got it.

Well, at least, now we can focus on more exciting things, like your award today!

Yes, that's right. The luncheon.

You gonna have the fish or the steak?

Uh, the steak.

Me too. I am a meat eater.


I'm gonna get going.


So I just got off the phone with Jade's agent.

And he is really embarrassed about what went down last night.

Only not really, because he's an agent.

So what about the book?

We lost it.

They're gonna sign with Harper Collins this afternoon.

So you think Jade did all of this just so she could throw a drink in Josh's face?

I think that she's getting her 15 minutes, and she's clearly using them to carry out insane revenge plots.

Well, maybe we dodged a bullet.

Totally. She was a monster.

Well, everybody's somebody's monster.

That's true.

Hey, Kelsey.

Can you find out from Redmond what time they're meeting with Harper Collins today?

Maybe. Why?

See if he'll do us a favor.

What are we doing?

We're not giving up.

Josh, thank you so much for doing this.

There she is! Get down!

Honey, there's our Uber.

Oh, what the... ?

Hey, Jade.

Let me out of here!

It's okay! Just chill.

Here, have a drink.

Josh has something he wants to say to you.

I'm sorry I was an asshole.

Okay, what's going on?

This... this is me apologizing, okay?

I'm sorry I disrespected you. I was immature.

Yeah, and selfish in bed.

No, wait, wait, wait!

When were we ever in a bed?

Okay, whatever. You know what?

If you think this lame-ass apology is gonna get me to sign with you guys, then you're wrong.

Come on, Jade, we've all been the bad guy in a relationship at some point, right?

I mean, I know I have.

When I was in college, I cheated on my boyfriend with my professor.

Yeah, well, I gathered a girl posse to pee in front of your tattoo parlor.

Shut up. That was you?

There was so much pee.

Yeah, well, you're lucky we stuck to plan number one.

Okay, Jade, listen. Here's the thing.

We will kick ass publishing your book.

Well I'll give you one thing.

I mean, you bitches are pretty desperate.

Exactly, would Harper Collins ever kidnap you and make your ex-boyfriend apologize?


Listen, to you signing with "Millennial."

Yes, let's drink to that.



I'll keep you posted.

You owe me so many fire escapes.

[soft chamber music]

Wow, there are so many amazing authors that are here.

I know, I just saw Joan Didion at our table hoarding gift bags.

Girls! Ah!

I was hoping I would see you here.

I've got good news. Drum roll...

[imitating drum roll]

Jade is accepting your offer!



Yes, of course, there are still a few details that we need to work out, but consider this deal as good as done!

Oh, my God.

Now Jade wants to tweet it out so the blogs pick it up, is that cool?

Of course.

Oh, my God, we are so excited.

Wonderful. Oh, Jennifer Weiner's here.

[whispers] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, she already tweeted about it.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Gawker just picked it up.

Wait, why did she attach a pic of Charles?

Oh, my God.


I've been meaning to tell you about it.

Take it down now.

I think it's too late.

Rihanna just retweeted it.

Congratulations on signing your first author.

Redmond just told me the news.

Oh, thank you.

I'm assuming you haven't seen the tweet?

No, what tweet?

No... nothing, no.

No tweet has been tweeted.

Charles, have you met the lovely Jennifer Ween-er?

Oh, it's actually Wine-er.

Yes, Ween-er. Ween-is.


Wine-er, like, just like what's in the glass.

Oh, gee. Jesus.

♪ ♪


Hello, and welcome to the 24th Annual Women in Literature Charity Honors.

Today I will be presenting the prestigious Oprah Award.

Charles, I know I speak for every woman in this room when I say, how very, very grateful we are for your generous endowment.


♪ Break it down now, break it down now ♪
♪ Break it down, break it down now ♪
♪ Break it down now ♪
♪ Break it down now, break it down now ♪
♪ Break it down, break it down now ♪
♪ Break it down now, break it down ♪