02x03 - Like a Boss

This imprint's going to be amazing.

I am so happy for you, Kels.

For us... I told you that we were gonna be running this place soon.

We're like "Steve Jobs in the garage" phase of our career.

We are Oprah in Baltimore.

Yeah?

When are you gonna start making that Oprah money, huh?

When are you?

Okay, I'm ready to toast.

I just needed more Vodka for my rocks.

Wait. We can't toast. Josh isn't here yet.

Oh, I think I want to tell Josh the big news on my own.

Too late. I already invited him.

Hey.

Hi.

I came as quick as I could.

So what are we celebrating here?

Not a raise.

To Kelsey, the new editor in chief of Millennial Print.

I couldn't be prouder.

You, my friend, are a shining example of what it means to be a bomb-ass female.

And to Liza, my co-millennial, to running the world before we're 30!

Yes!

Whoo.

♪ I try to fake it ♪

So were you ever gonna tell her?

Of course I was, but then she wanted me to be a part of this new imprint targeting millennials.

But, babe, you're not a millennial.

Yeah, well, Dr. Dre's not a doctor.

So you're just gonna keep on lying to Kelsey?

All I know is that I can't start over in this business as a 40 year-old.

I get it, but I want to live an authentic life, and that's just who I am.

Okay, what if for now we just don't hang out with work people?

[groaning] Look, I think I just...

I think I need some time to wrap my head around all this.

Okay.

No problem.

I'm sorry I'm so complicated.

I'll call you later.

♪ Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ♪

Yeah, you have a good day too, ma'am.

Damn, I miss slamming down the phone.

What's going on?

A buyer reneged.

You know, after a long conversation with her husband, she came to the conclusion that Glass Nipple Lady was too much for her entryway.

Aw, seems like a great reminder to wear warm clothes.

I was counting on that piece selling in order to pay the rent.

Well, maybe they'll let us slide a month?

They already have.

I'm gonna have to go to plan B and B.

I keep a profile on Airbnb for times like these.

I'll just have to rent the place out.

Can you stay with your tween heartthrob this weekend?

[groans] We still haven't talked.

I've been totally focused on work, and he's been totally focused on not calling me.

Well, he should just get over it.

I mean, women lie about their age all the time.

It's not a new concept.

Yeah, but to him, it is.

Josh doesn't lie.

It's one of the beautiful things about him I'd really like to change.

Ugh, people are just so goddamn good now.

We all used to lie and eat gluten and smoke cigarettes and hang up on each other.

Remember that?

Yeah, now people just eat kale and tell the truth.

[chuckles] A-holes.

[upbeat music]

Liza and I are just finalizing the details for the launch party this Friday.

Oh, well, do share.

I have been on pins and needles ever since I learned it would be in an old bone boiling plant.

[chuckles] The Glue Factory is the hottest party spot in Greenpoint, and we didn't really plan it as a typical imprint launch.

We are targeting millennial readers.

Then I assume you'll be inviting authors and literati.

I would love to see a list.

Actually, uh, bloggers and digerati.

I'm talking about expanding our reach on social media.

We're inviting all the key influencers and cyber elite...

The Fat Jewish, The Waifish Mormon, Pompous Croissant, Manreppeller, The Wicked Bitch of Greenpoint, oh, and the dude who created, uh, Pizza Rat.

Well, it seems like you've got this all covered.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my crypt.

What's The Fat Jewish?

5 1/2 million followers on Instagram.

Whole new world.

[upbeat music]

Liza!

Have you tweeted for Richard Russo today?

Yep.

Have you checked the Barnes & Noble eyeline placement for the latest Katie Lee cookbook?

Did it.

Set up the podcast interviews for Elizabeth Warren's new autobiography?

Done. She's such a sweetheart.

When she's getting her way.

Here. A Fitbit?

It is not a gift. I need you to wear it.

Jackie Dunne and I from Ballantine are having a friendly competition.

I need you to out-step her today.

I want to destroy her.

So just walk?

Just walk.

Bear in mind, Jackie has a treadmill desk.

Wait!

[light music]

♪ ♪

I understand you have new responsibilities, Liza.

You have to keep a lot of plates spinning, but my plates take priority.

My plates can't drop.

My plates are the reason you still get a paycheck.

Got it?

Got it.

You're gonna have to be two people, Liza.

Think you can do that?

I think I can.

♪ ♪

What is that, some sort of plaid diaper?

[energetic techno music]

What's going on?

Diana's in some sort of exercise challenge, and she's making me compete for her.

I feel like I'm in "The Hunger Games."

Katniss, I have good news for you.

Lauren is totally hooking us up.

We're getting dressed for the party by Hector and Dorff, and our fitting's right now.

Awesome. Can we walk there?

[driving techno music]

Kelsey, Liza, meet Hector and Dorff, the creative visionaries behind everything you will see, touch, smell, and taste here.

Hector, Dorff, this is Kelsey, our woman of the hour, Hi.

And Liza.

I'm just a lowly assistant.

Pull stock for her.

You guys, this place is amazing.

Refreshments.

[cart rattling]

Mm.

We have schnapps.

Do you have any water?

This isn't Bloomingdale's.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, Lisa.

Everything on this rack is your size, Lisa, okay?

Uh, Liza.

No, I can't say that.

It tickles my tongue.

Okay.

[giggles]

Oh.

I love it.

[gasps]

Ah.

Kelsey, you look hot.

That's the slip.

[speaks foreign language]

Oh, no, you silly girl.

Kelsey, you are so cute, I could feed you from my hand.

Ah, totally.

But it is your special night, okay?

And you're a boss, so we're going to make you look like a boss.

Okay, like a boss.

You need a dress that is serious, a dress that says, "Here I am, but I'm busy. Look at me, but don't."

Which just so happens to be our signature kind of dress.

Lucky for you.

[cell phone chimes]

[groans]

_

I cannot believe I'm running an imprint.

I never thought that I would be here at this age.

I definitely never thought I'd be here at this age.

I always thought it'd be more, like, at 30.

30? No, girl, you want to be successful while you're still young.

Okay, Liza, what's the latest guest count?

107, but The Book Ninja just RSVP'd, and The Double Negatives say they're not not coming.

Ooh, always on brand.

Hey, what about Josh?

Because I saw that he opened the invite, but he didn't respond.

Uh, I don't know.

We haven't talked in a while.

Like, how long?

I don't know. Like, a week.

Oh, come on, you guys. I mean, it's no big deal.

He's been busy.

No, no, no, not so busy that he hasn't had time to Instagram eating a peanut sundae with his chubby roommate at the Brooklyn Farmacy.

I saw that. He also popped up on my Facebook congratulating me on the imprint.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, he's communicating with everyone but her.

Liza, Josh is ghosting you.

[gasp] Who's ghosting who?

Liza's gonna need something stronger than wine, Dad.

It's okay, really. I need to work on this press release for Kelsey.

You sure? 'Cause what happens at the Heller House stays at the Heller house.

[whispers] Go away now. Just girls.

I've ghosted people before.

I think Miriam from the Jewish Museum is ghosting me.

No, no, no, Mom, it's not just when someone doesn't return your call, okay?

It's when they disappear into thin air, but they still haunt all of your social media feeds.

I don't think that Josh is ghosting me.

He just doesn't like coming to work stuff.

Oh, cool, so he just doesn't support you.

This happens. Thad's the same way.

Don't start. I had a jewelry line, and I had a big trunk show at Neiman's.

Didn't show up. Said he was sick.

I had a staph infection.

You let it get bad!

It's true, though.

Women get successful; men get insecure.

I don't think that Josh is insecure.

I didn't think that about Todd either until the Neiman debacle.

I'm telling you, men surprise you.

The other day when I told Thad about the imprint, we were walking down the street.

He puts his arm around me, and I think he's gonna say, "I'm so proud of you, babe."

And instead, he says, "Babe, would you be open to a three-way?"

So they definitely surprise you.

Look, you did butt stuff way too early.

Ass play is the gateway to three-way.

Lauren.

It's fine.

It's an old family saying.

I think we have it crocheted on a pillow somewhere.

We are failing the Bechdel test so hard right now.

Four women sitting around, and all we can talk about is guys.

You're absolutely right. Shame on us.

Let's talk about Miriam.

I think we should talk about this press release that really needs to go out tonight.

Okay, that means we get out.

Here we go. We'll just go.

Okay, I need you to tell me what you think.

"Kelsey Peters has made a big splash in her short time at Empirical. With the launch of Millennial, Peters, 26, will be one of the youngest people to run a major imprint."

And yet still doesn't have her own apartment.

Can I send it?

Yeah.

[grunts]

Let's make it official.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs]

_

[groans]

Hey, everything okay?

Oh, whoopsie daisy.

Ha, my bad for... turning towards the sound of your voice.

Hey, you know, if you ever want to talk about this Josh stuff, I'm here.

I see ya.

Uh, no, I'm actually... I'm just working out.

I'm trying to bank some steps.

You need a buddy?

No, I'm good.

I'm gonna take it to the streets, get out of your... hair.

Okay, well, call if you need anything.

Will do.

Hey, um, do you have my cell?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Congratulations, Liza.

You saw the press release?

I meant on the steps.

Jackie had 12,000; we had 12,014.

We eked out a victory.

Yay, us.

Of course, now she wants a rematch, so let's step up our game today.

We'll do that.

Ooh, and I did see the press release.

Gawker even picked it up.

I know. Pretty cool, huh?

So cool.

Did you happen to read the comment section yet?

No, gah... pff, I never read the comments.

Well, you might want to start.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

♪ ♪


Good morning.

Did you see the comments on the press release?

I, like many people, do not read the comments.

Let me read them for you.

"Kelsey Peters, what a joke. Talk about desperate."

"Who's Peters screwing now?"

"Kelsey Peters, WT effing eff?"

[sighs]

This is just a picture of a kitten in a Barbie car.

Comments! I saw. Don't worry.

Once again, my timing could not be more perfect.

Your dress is ready.

This little custom creation will pick you right back up, girl.

♪ ♪

Ooh.

Yes!

This is Hector and Dorff's take on Kelsey, "the boss."

Oh, my God, they hate me too?

♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ But I love it ♪
♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it ♪

Ah, thanks for wearing the dress.

***

[whispers] I look like an insane person.

Yep, you look great.

[sighs]

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Oh, the bruschetta is made from rescue tomatoes and day-of-expiration burrata.

Oh, and remember to hashtag "Millennial Launch."

[indistinct chatter]

Where's the Fitbit?

Oh.

People think I'm on house arrest.

It ups my cool factor.

Very Martha Stewart.

Point me towards the alcohol.

Oh, it's over there.

♪ ♪

Why are you not over there getting your picture taken?

I don't photograph well.

I smile too hard. It comes off as aggressive.

I think the technical term is "mean muggin'."

I can't imagine that.

You have such a nice and friendly mug.

[laughs]

Thank you. So do you.

[scoffs]

Um, I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Ugh, another Gawker comment.

Oh, my God, this person just said, "Ew."

Haters gonna hate.

Hey, what's up, ladies? You guys seen Kels?

I'm literally standing right in front of you.

Holy sh...

Is the dress that bad?

Uh... yeah... n-n-no. No, no, no.

You only look weird from the front.

I mean, your ass is on point.

Kelsey Peters, I am so jealous of you.

Amanda, HarperCollins. Anyway, this is huge. Congrats.

Oh, thank you.

Seriously.

Ooh, nice dress.

Oh, my God, she just said, "Ew, nice dress."

No, no, no, I don't think so.

No, she said "Ooh. Ooh, nice dress."

No, no, no, she said, "Ew."

E-W, like "ew."

No, it was "Ooh," like lots of excited Os.

Thad, will you go get me a drink?

Yeah, where's my boy Josh?

He's not here.

What, did you scare him off again?

Thad! Drinks, please.

Okay, jeez.

Oh, my God, Lena Dunham just tweeted, "Yes, Kelsey Peters. Congrats to the 26-year-old baller running Millennial Print."

That's huge.

That is huge. Her fans are our target market.

I'm hot.

I know. This will totally trend.

No, like, I'm burning up.

I can't feel my hands.

Wait. What?

I can't breathe.

It's okay. It's okay.

I can't breathe.

It's okay.

Water! Thad, water!

[bells chime]

Hey, there. I'm a little lost.

Do you know where this address is?

Yeah.

That's actually my girlfriend's address.

Oh, well, I look forward to meeting your girlfriend.

[laid-back music]

♪ I'll give you everything tonight ♪

[knock at door]

[people moaning]

Safe s*x only.

And don't make me enforce it.

Condoms are on the table.

Oh, the guest bedroom's off-limits.

[whispers] Maggie.

Josh, what are you doing here?

This guy came into my shop...

Men are $50; women are $25, thank you.

Are you having a s*x party?

No, I'm having a kid's birthday party.

I'm gonna blow up some condoms and twist 'em into balloon animals.

Any requests?

Wait, does Liza know about this?

Nah, she think I'm Airbnb-ing the place to a nice couple from Albany.

You gotta do what you gotta do, huh.

That's exactly right, Josh, so cut Liza some slack.

You know, tight finances lead to a complicated life.

Yeah, it's just, my life wasn't complicated before I met her, so...

Well, that's adult life, Josh, and she's an adult.

And that's one of the reasons you fell for her.

She's emotionally evolved; she's game; she's low-maintenance.

Plus, she's gorgeous; she's supersmart; and she's the most loyal friend I've ever had.

But, you know what? Maybe she's not for you.

Maybe you need a basic bitch, and you know what?

We're not a couple of basic bitches around here.

Hey, listen. You might want to head out, unless you want to find out what "pegging" means.

[clicks tongue]

[gasping] I feel like I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, sh1t.

I'm gonna die at my own party.

No, you're not. Just breathe.

You're having a panic attack. Who isn't?

There is a designer dress on the ground.

Oh, my God, I got to get out of this thing.

Uh, okay, um...

Uh, where's the zipper?

Don't look at me. I don't know.

It's not an IKEA coffee table; it's a one-of-a-kind piece of art.

Well, this one-of-a-kind piece of art is suffocating me, okay? I can't get air.

All right, I'm gonna cut you out.

Get me out of this thing!

Okay, no, I can't watch this.

[groans]

Can't watch.

[moans]

Oh, there's the zipper.

Oh, my God. [sighs]

Is that better?

Okay, Kelsey, this slip is hot.

You can totally go out and give your speech in this.

No, no, no, I can't go back out there.

Those comments...

Oh, those comments are just comments from anonymous assholes.

I believe those assholes, okay?

"Kelsey Peters, WT effing eff?"

Good question. [sighs]

I'm not qualified to run an imprint.

I... I wrote my speech on my hand and just sweated it off, okay?

I... this is a job for an adult.

I... [sighs]

[sobbing] I'm a kitten in a Barbie car.

Okay, breathe in through your nose.

Okay. [inhales]

Out through your mouth.

[exhales]

Just focus on that.

[exhales deeply]

Liza... [sighs]

I feel like such an imposter.

So do I, every single day.

No, seriously, like, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Kelsey, nobody knows what they're doing.

You just fake it till you make it.

And hope that when you're down, like literally on the ground, in some cases, you have people around you to help you get up.

♪ ♪

Now come on.

If we're gonna run the world before we're 30, we got to get movin'.

[whispers] Okay.

But now we have Millennial, so when you think of publishing houses, if you're in publishing, push...

[gasps] Oh, my God.

My speech is totally gone.

Okay, um, here, uh, put in my Bluetooth.

I'll talk you through the whole thing.

I'll be with you the entire time.

[whispers] Okay.

Into the future, and now, it is my great pleasure to introduce the editor in chief of Millennial Print, Kelsey Peters.

[cheers and applause]

It's okay. You got this.

Okay! Whoo-hoo!

Hey.

[cheers and applause]

Congratulations.

[whispers] Okay.

Um...

Thank you all...

I want to thank all of you for coming out tonight...

To celebrate the launch...

Of Millennial Print.

For those people who think...

I'm 26 and don't know how to run an imprint, well...

You're right...

You're right.

I may crash and burn...

I may disrupt the whole industry...

Who knows?

Who knows?

I can't promise anything other than...

It will be interesting.

To the future! And to Millennial Print.

All: Whoo!

Yes!

[cheers and applause]

Okay, that worked. [laughs]

♪ I have stayed ♪
♪ In the shadows too long ♪
♪ I started to feel at home, and I thought... ♪

That was an impressive speech.

Yeah, she did a great job.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you both did a great job tonight.

Even the trash-to-table turned out surprisingly well.

I enjoyed my offgrade sweet potato puffs.

Yeah, who knew that restaurants just threw away pockmarked potatoes?

That's like America throwing away Brad Pitt or Edward James Olmos.

So where's your young man?

Uh, I'm not sure there still is a young man.

He's, uh... He's been ghosting me.

Ghosting you?

Yeah, it's when someone evaporates into thin air with no explanation.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I get you a glass of champagne?

Yeah, I'd like that, thank you.

[cell phone chimes]

[gasps] Hi.

Hey.

I'm sorry I'm late.

[relaxed music]

I know we said that we would try to keep work and life separate, but you're the person I want to share tonight with.

Me too.

Mmm.

♪ ♪

Charles, h... This is my boyfriend.

This is Josh.

Hey.

Josh, this is my boss, Charles.

Well, I guess the ghost made it to the feast after all.

Uh, you two should celebrate.

Thanks.

Very, very nice to meet you, Josh.

Yeah, you too.

So, um, that's your boss?

[laughs] Yes.

Tall.

You look amazing tonight, by the way.

Thank you.

I'd invite you back to my place, but, um, Maggie's Airbnb-ing.

Oh, really?

Well, uh, we can always go back to my place.

Thank you for keeping my secret.

Yeah, well... some secrets are worth keeping.

♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ Hey ♪