02x01 - Tattoo You

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Okay, not a word about anything.

Final decision.

Five minutes ago she was in the circle of trust.

What just happened?

Caitlin's gonna have enough cultural shock coming home without having to hear that her mother has a completely new identity.

And definitely don't mention Josh.

I don't even know what's going on with you two.

Mm, things are weird now that he knows that I'm 40.

J-Lo's in her 40s, and everybody in their right mind's trying to make it work with her.

'Cause she's J-Lo.

You're as hot as J-Lo.

Well, you're as hot as Megan Fox.

[chuckles] Hon, let's never stop lying to each other, okay.




All: Hi!



Hi, Caitlin!

Oh, I've missed you so much.

Ah, hi Mom. Hi Maggie.

Hi, give me a kiss.


Both: Muah!

Someone needs a shower.

I got it.

Mom, don't be so Western.

All right. This is how human beings smell.

Oh... okay.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

Mom, I know it's only 9:00 a.m., but can we order pizza?

Seriously, I've been having erotic dreams about pizza.

Like, I'm about to kiss a boy and then his tongue just turns into a slice.

Well, girl, you're back in the land of Seamless where you can order the pizza and the boy.


Honey, will you sit down for a second?

I want to share something with you.



So while you've been in India, I've been going through a bit of an identity issue.


Gay or transitioning?


Into a man?

No. Why would you go there?

Because you're tall, and Dad always said you had man hands.

When did he say that?

I wouldn't care.

In India, they're known as hijras, and they're very accepted.

They're even legally recognized as a third gender on their passports, so.

Okay, that's good to know, but that's not my issue.

What is it, then?

The issue is...

[mouthing] No.



Yes. Yes, that's it. I love it.

I love it, and I just don't identify with New Jersey the way that I used to.

Well, Mom, that's really nice, but right now I need to sleep excessively.

Like, for a week.

All right, can you please deliver the pizza to my bedroom?

Thank you.

Wow, if she was okay with a s*x change, maybe this won't be such a big deal.

[electronic pop music]

♪ ♪

So I'm about to pitch a book at morning meeting.

And I need your opinion. Sure.

It's a Tumblr that's being shopped around.

And... [sighs]

You got to tell me if you think I'm crazy.

[rock music]

What do you think?

Uh... so many things.

[chuckles] Come on.

[whispering] Wha...

Oh, my God.

It's one of the most popular Tumblrs out there, written by a woman who's a freelance writer at "Jezebel."

[all chuckling]



Excuse me.

How exactly is this a book?

It's pornographic Internet nonsense.

I mean, I wouldn't exactly classify oral s*x as pornography unless you're trying to throw us back to the "Let's ban 'Lolita'" era.

It's a list. It's not literature.

I agree, but it is a fun, silly book that will sell to a young audience, which is what we're after.

Liza? Uh, yes.

I mean, it's like, uh, "Goodnight Moon" for adults...

With blowjobs.




I'd at least like to see some more positive thoughts.

Oh, of course. Um...

Number 69.


Okay, that's a start.

[upbeat music]

You're not seriously entertaining this?

Well, it is entertaining, but I'm not sure I can see it in the place that J.D. Salinger once called home.

[sighs] Oh, thank God.

Will I see you at the Bobby Flay meeting this afternoon?

He's shopping his new cookbook.

I think it's important you say hello.

Damn, I forgot to mention Bobby wanted to move the meeting to his restaurant.

Um, can you make that dinner tonight?

Um... I will have to check my calendar.

Probably have to rearrange a bunch of things, but...


Thank you.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

Liza, get in here, and shut the door.

♪ ♪

Is something wrong?

Charles just asked me to dinner.

He did?

Yes, at Bobby Flay's restaurant.

We're going to meet him about his new cookbook.

Oh, so it's a business dinner.

Are you suggesting I think it's something more?

Of course not.

I need you to download the menu and wine and cocktail list, and make sure the barman knows how to make a dry Negroni.


And call Davide at Barney's. He has my sizes.

I need something simple and stunning.

Calling. [tongue clicks]

I'm gonna show him what a perfect power couple we can be.

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

Nice try in there.

I just don't think it's Empirical.

I don't think you realize how commercial this is.

Swing and a miss.

Just, uh, just keep looking for the next Bjornberg.

♪ ♪

So a Brunello Di Montalcino is aged at least four years, where a Rosso Di Montalcino is much younger and cheaper.

I think I like the Rosso better.

Are you in the wine business?

No, I just drink a lot of it. [all laugh]

Okay, who's over 21 here?

Hi, Mrs. Miller.

Hi, Mom.

We're not drinking.

We're just having a wine tasting.

Mm, Caitlin, why didn't you tell me Padma and Michaela were coming for dinner?

Oh, no, Mom, you don't have to cook.

We're going out.

We missed out girl.

We drove in from New Jersey to surprise her.

Where are you guys gonna go?

Uh, we're meeting some of Michaela's friends from NYU.

Are you ready?


Yeah. Okay. Love you, Mom.

Love you too.

Thanks for the wine tasting.

We won't be out too late.

Nice to meet you.

We love your art.

Thank you.

Bye, Maggie.


Be safe.

Ugh, so cute.

Okay, what just happened there?

Uh, that's your daughter having a life.

I suggest you do the same.

Wh... excuse me?

Go see Josh.

You got to grab your moments while you can.

Ugh, I think I should give him more time.

Time to do what? Go meet somebody else?

That might be for the best.

I mean, I... I worry that I really may not be the person that he fell in love with Liza, don't reject yourself.


Dude, come on.

No, dude, just wait...




All right, stop.


Nope. Nope.

Not mid-mission.


[electronic video game buzzing]

Ah, it's Liza.


She wants to do something tonight.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The answer is no.

Dude, what is your problem?

Wha... are you kidding me? She's a nut job.

She should be locked up in some sort of cougar prison.

Dude, that is... [laughs]

That's not true.

Come on, man.

She stepped on your heart. She destroyed your soul.

She's a sexual grifter.

Will you just give me my phone back?

Fine... but don't expect me to be around to pick up the pieces.


Can I eat the dumplings?

Okay, I'm getting the three dots.

Will someone please explain the dots to me?

I think the dots are when someone's typing or thinking.

Okay, now the dots went away. There's nothing.

Oh, the dots can be very fickle.

They're back.

Yes! East River Bar at 9:00.

Oh, I don't know. What if Caitlin comes home?

Hm, don't worry. I'll keep her distracted.

Nobody cock blocks mama.


[Courtney Barnett's "Pickles From A Jar" playing]

♪ We couldn't be more contrary if we tried ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, um, I'm just waiting for my boyfriend.

No worries.

Mind if I wait with you?

Uh, sure, but you might just have to get up when he gets here.

He's not gonna, like, beat me up if he sees me talking to you, right?

[chuckles] I don't think so, but...

♪ ♪

You looked lonely.

♪ I say ooh, you say aah ♪

Why are you so shy?


I'm not shy.

Yeah, you are.

Sitting here by yourself like a little introvert.

I bet people think that you're snobby, but you're really just quiet, right?

Mm, you nailed me.


I like quiet girls.

You know, quiet's the new sexy. Mm.

So why don't you come out of that hard shell and tell me what else I should know about you?

My daughter just came home from college, and I'm in my 40s.

I saw my friends, so... I got to go, but take it easy.

♪ I say "you," you say "am I" ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You like mornings, I like nights ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I love you till the day I die ♪

[big band music]

How is your Habanero-glazed yellowtail?

Delicious, I think this is the first time that a client's ever wined and dined me.

We need to sign more chefs.

Yeah, we do.

I, actually, don't know if you're aware of the statistics, but the sale of physical cookbooks...

Stronger than ever.

Of course.

Yeah, it's a real bright spot out there.

That's why it's worth the effort to sign Flay.

I think he's gonna find the combination of us as a team hard to resist.

Yeah. That and the money.


Do you ever cook for yourself, Charles?

Uh, no, not in the city, but I love to barbecue at the house in Pound Ridge.

How about you?

Oh, sure, yeah.

I like to bake, grill, spit roast.

Show me a nice piece of meat, I can't keep my hands off it.

♪ ♪

You should invite me up to Pound Ridge sometime.

I'll show you what I mean.


Peppercorn shrimp.

Oh, that looks wonderful.


Mm... oh.

Um, Charles, I just want to say, regardless of what happens with Bobby, it has been so nice spending quality time with you.

♪ ♪

Diana, I think you have a... One of your, um...

You have a little bit of, um...

Hey, guys.


Sorry I kept you waiting. How's dinner?

Oh, simply sensational. You are a genius.

I was just telling Diana what an enormous fan I am of yours, Bobby.

"Boy Meets Grill" is my Bible.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you chipped your tooth. Didn't you?

Yeah, on a peppercorn?

My peppercorn shrimp?

You know, I have weak teeth.

It's, um, my family's from England, on my mother's side.

Yeah, I... you know what.

Actually, I know a dentist. She works in midtown.

She works nights. I'm gonna go call her right now.

Bobby, you... Bobby.

That's not necessary.


♪ ♪

I'm... so sorry.

Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I'm saving this seat. Can my ass save it for you?

[all laugh]

Uh... actually, uh, my boyfriend, he's on his way.

He'll be here any minute.

Don't be such a bitch.

I'm not being a bitch.


[indie rock music]

♪ I don't need you anymore ♪
♪ Well, we made our plans with you ♪

♪ Let 'em all fall through ♪

♪ You took my hand, and I put my trust in you ♪
♪ Then you let go ♪

Charles, it's very nice of you to come with me.

It's really not necessary.

It's not a problem.

I just want to make sure that someone's here.

Such a gentleman. [chuckles]

I feel like a toothless Cinderella.



Dr., uh, Sarkisian?

Yes. Please, come in.

I'm... it's fine. I really have no gag reflex.

Okay. Open. What did you try to do?

Crack a walnut?

Your wife did some damage here.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

Um, not my wife, a business associate.

We were having a business dinner.

Oh, I was wondering where that ring was.

Nope, single.

Same here.

It's not easy to date when you work late nights.

Well, I'm sure there are lots of men who wouldn't mind waiting up for you, Dr. Sarkisian.

[chuckles] Unless they happen to wander into my office with a dental emergency, I'm not meeting them, and it's Lisa.


Yeah, it's re...

Please. Keep still.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I just can't believe it.

I knew he couldn't handle my age, but what kind of a person stands someone up and breaks up with them with a text?

How about telling me you can't make it work before I get a beer spilled all over me by a bunch of drunk mean girls?

Look, he's in his 20s.

He's not so mature, and he can't process all of his emotions.

You knew that was the risk in telling him the truth.

Yeah, but I had to tell him.

And you know what, maybe I deserved that tonight.


Besides, it's one less thing I have to explain to Caitlin... who, by the way, I should never have let go out tonight by herself.

Uh, she just spent the past six months in India.

I'm pretty sure she can manage Brooklyn.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait up for her.



I'm sorry, it'll all feel better in the morning.

Mm, it's fine.

It's time to move on.


[soft music]


♪ ♪

[mellow music]

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

[pop music]

♪ ♪

How was dinner last night?

About as enjoyable as a root canal.

Oh, I'm sorry. How was the food?

Stop grilling me, Liza!

[phone ringing]

Hello, Diana Trout's office.

It's a Dr. Sarkisian for you?

[quirky music]

♪ ♪


Diana, it's Dr. Sarkisian.

I'm just checking in on you. How is that temp holding up?

It seems fine so far.

Thank you for your call.

Of course.

My patients are like family to me.

Just remember to eat soft foods for the next few days.

I won't forget.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I...

Can I ask you a favor?

Of course.

Would you mind transferring me to Charles?

[knock on door]

Liza, transfer this call to Time Warner Cable customer service.


We got the book.


I think that Bobby felt so bad about everything he's signing with us.


What a night.

Good job, tooth.

Good job... tooth.

Damn it.

♪ ♪

Is everything okay?

"100 Things Women Think About While Giving Blowjobs" just sold to Little Brown.

You've got good instincts.

Yeah, but I hate to lose.

I know the feeling.

I think I lost last night.

What? Josh?


Off again?

Stood me up at a bar and broke up with me with a text.

That's really lame.


It's okay.

On again, off again.


It's all gonna get better in our 30s.


[sighs] Yeah...

[funky music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

So the green one, I think, would be perfect on my mom.


Oh, she's gonna love that.



Sorry I missed you last night.

You were asleep when I got home.

Yeah, you guys definitely got back late.

Did you have fun?

Oh, the best time.


What is it you wanted to show me?

Oh, okay.

Are you ready?



♪ Ta-da ♪ [giggles]

[tense music]

It's "namaste" in Sanskrit, to commemorate my time in India.

Isn't it gorgeous?

What do you think?

Where did you get that?

Ugh, from the hottest guy.

He owns this place called, um... Inkburg.

Just a couple blocks from here.

Did you see this?

Oh, yeah.

Mm. Are you mad?

Please don't be mad.

Uh, not at you.

Excuse me.

Mom, where are you going?

Mom, you can't just go yell at the tattoo guy.

[rock music]

♪ ♪


Hey, you. You okay?

No, I am not okay.


You gave my daughter a tattoo last night.

What're you talking about?



Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

I... I did not know that that was your daughter.

I... there were four girls.

They all came in here at the same time.

I... I had no idea.

Yep, right on the side boob in Sanskrit.


Marked for life.


Thank you very much.

And then you stood me up at a bar and broke with me with a text, which I guess I deserve, but it still made me feel like crap.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't stand you up, and I definitely didn't break up with you.

Oh, no?

Sorry, can't make it work.


Uh, it's, "Sorry."

"Can't make it.


You know, on account of the four girls that just barged into my shop.

Have you ever heard of punctuation?

I mean, I thought the meaning was pretty obvious.

Well, not at the time.

Yeah, I see that.

So you didn't mean to break up with me?


Good, 'cause I was really sad thinking that's what happened.

Oh... I'm sorry... about everything.

[Koudlam's "See You All" plays]

Is there any chance I can try and make it up to you?

♪ ♪

I only have time for a quickie apology.


Quickies are my specialty.


♪ ♪

♪ I can't see you all ♪
♪ Take him down ♪
♪ A river feels like a holy ♪
♪ I can't see you all ♪
♪ See you all if you're on me ♪
♪ I say, "Hey" ♪
♪ "I want you, girl" ♪