01x12 - The Old Ma'am and the C

Okay, he isn't answering my texts.

He probably just needs time to process.

I always meant to tell him over dinner, at, like, a really nice restaurant, but after a couple glasses of wine, not tripping my face off at Lauren's Hot Mitzvah.

I love this music.

What music?

There is no music.

Are you still rolling?

A little bit. Aren't you?

No, nothing gets you sober quicker then telling your boyfriend you've been lying about your age by 15 years.

I love this street!

You are useless to me right now.

Taxi!

Where we going?

You're going home.

Oh.

I'm gonna go find Josh.

Okay.

Get home safe.

Maggie: Ciao.

Liza: Can I sit down?

You do whatever you want, obviously.

Josh, when we first met at the bar that night, you kind of assumed that we were about the same age.

Yeah.

It was fun, and I was flattered, and so I went with it.

I didn't know we were ever gonna see each other again.

And then when we did, I became so attracted to you.

You made me feel like everything was possible again.

And then the stronger my feelings became for you, the harder it became for me to tell you the truth.

So what exactly is the truth?

It's... it's that you're a 40-year-old woman who is pretending to the world that she's 26?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

That's some crazy sh1t.

Why would you do that?

At first, I was just lying about my age to get a job.

See, after my divorce...

Divorce?

Yeah, we'll get to that.

I had been out of work for almost 15 years, raising my daughter.

Oh, my God.

And you have a daughter.

Caitlin.

Where is she?

Away at school, in college, in India.

I mean, you're kind of a lunatic, aren't you?

I was trying to get back into publishing, but no one would hire a 40-year-old who had been out of work all that time.

I couldn't accept that I would never be able to work again doing something that I loved.

So I lied about my age.

I mean, I guess it didn't hurt that you had a younger boyfriend to make everything seem real, right?

No, my feelings for you have always been completely real.

In fact, I've never felt more like the real me than I have spending these last few months with you.

Nothing was real if it was all based in a lie.

None of it.

Josh, I'm still me.

I'm just a little bit older than you thought.

It's not the age. It's not.

It's the lie.

I mean, I can't... I can't get past the fact that you've been lying to me this entire time.

Okay.

You're right.

All right, look, it'll break my heart, but I totally understand if you never want to see me again.

That's good.

Because I don't ever want to see you again.

Have a nice, fraudulent life.

Liza!

I've been texting you all weekend.

What happened?

You and Josh just left the party.

Well, after Lauren spiked the Manischewitz with Molly, things got a little crazy.

Like, "get a room" crazy?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll spare you the details.

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Good morning.

I hope everyone had a relaxing weekend, because we have a very big mountain to climb.

What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room.

Ellen DeGeneres has written another memoir.

Oh, my God, it's gonna be huge.

The gays and the housewives are going to love this.

Bring in the Jews, and we'll have a three quadrant book.

There is going to be an auction among all of the major publishing houses.

Ellen has spoken to her agent, and he's going to let Empirical make the first bid.

That is wonderful.

I want all departments on this.

Of course.

I do not want to lose this book.

And you won't.

Stop texting.

I'm late for lunch.

Make sure you confirm my 1:00 reservation at the The Monkey Bar, table 5.

Already done.

Have you been crying?

No.

There's no crying in publishing.

Definitely not crying.

Pull up the marketing budget for the last Tina Fey book.

We'll have to double those numbers to get Ellen's attention.

Well, Tina may be a bossypants, but Ellen's a smartypants.

Just get the Uber.

Hey.

Hey.

So Josh and I didn't leave the party to have s*x.

We broke up last night.

Oh, my God, what happened?

You know, just the usual stuff.

When it came down to it, we just weren't a good match.

I'm confused.

How do you just break up?

We just did.

It's just over, and I wanted to tell you so that we don't have to talk about it anymore, okay?

I'm so sorry.

Me too.

Are you sure you don't want to tell me what happened?

I can't.

It hurts too much.

But I still love him.

I think I always will.

Of course.

Come here.

[cell phone rings]

Crap, it's Diana.

Hello?

Liza.

I'm at Monkey Bar, and I left my wallet on my desk.

Okay.

Diana: Well, I need you to bring it to me.

I'm in Midtown with no money.

Okay, okay.

I'll be right there. I'm on my way.

I got to go.

Thank God.

Go buy yourself a shawarma.

Do I know you from somewhere?

No, I don't think so.

You look very familiar.

Well, unless you're slumming it in Bed-Stuy, I seriously doubt you know my assistant.

Wait.

Were you ever a waitress at Serafina?

The one on Madison.

Oh, no, but I do have waitress face, so I get that a lot.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

Just go!

I am so sorry.

So am I.

Liza: I just had the closest call.

Maggie: What happened?

I ran into this woman I worked with 14 years ago when I was at Random House.

She was having lunch with Diana, and she almost recognized me.

Oh, how'd she look?

I got to go.

Okay, ciao.

Oh, we have to have a chat.

Now.

So we've got a little problem on our hands.

We do?

Cheryl Sussman doesn't think her $2,000 sweater is dry cleanable.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll pay for it.

Of course.

Don't be ridiculous.

We'll expense it.

Besides, Cheryl deserves it.

The only reason she wanted to have lunch was to pump me for information on our Ellen book deal.

Now, did you put together the Tina Fey marketing numbers?

Yes. Yes.

I have them; they're on my desk.

I'll got get them right now.

Oh, my God.

[telephone rings]

Liza Miller.

I knew it was you.

What the hell is going on?

Well, after I found out my husband was having an affair and gambled away everything we spent our entire marriage building together, I figured, "Hey, what do I have to lose?

Nothing."

So I lied about my age.

It's not a crime, Cheryl.

Well, it's maybe a small white-collar offense.

But the real crime is that no one will give a 40-year-old woman a chance to start over again.

Exactly.

Isn't life just one big confidence game?

I mean, sometimes I think, I control huge budgets for this massive media company, and half the time, I don't have the vaguest idea what I'm doing.

On the outside, I pretend that I do, but on the inside, I just feel like such a fraud.

I know exactly what you mean.

Well, you actually are a fraud.

True.

It's pretty stressful.

I cannot imagine how Diana would react if she found out the truth.

Oh, my God, Cheryl, she can't know.

I would lose my job.

And Diana would be humiliated.

Gawker would have a field day with this, but I would never.

Good.

Please, Liza.

I'm your friend.

I just wonder if I could ask you one small favor.

Of course, Cheryl, anything.

Could you get me Empirical's marketing numbers on the Ellen book?

Excuse me?

I'm sure you're not aware, but there is a big auction happening over Ellen's new book, and I would be tickled pink if you could show me what you guys are proposing.

Cheryl, isn't it proprietary information?

Well, I don't think I need to teach you how to color outside the lines.

[laughs]

You're putting me in a very compromising position here.

Well, you're putting me in a very compromising position to have to lie for you to Diana Trout.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, honey.

It is so great to see you again after all these years.

Oh.

And by the way, I have two children, and I've never stopped working.

That's what nannies are for.


Hey.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, no problem.

Everything okay?

I just had a drink with Cheryl Sussman.

She remembers me all right.

Okay, something like that was bound to happen.

Yeah, but now she's blackmailing me.

She wants me to share some confidential information about a book we're bidding on.

You know, you should let me talk to her.

I'll straighten her out.

Forget it, Maggie.

I think this is my endgame right here.

You know, I've always thought of myself as the nicest person, but as it turns out, I'm kind of a sociopath.

Don't beat yourself up.

I mean, you know what?

Let's beat up Cheryl instead.

I think I'm just gonna move back to New Jersey.

Maybe I could get a job attacking people with perfume samples at the Paramus Mall.

Listen, Liza, you're living in a shadow world, and sometimes, every now and then, you have to play by shadow rules.

What are you talking about?

It's marketing numbers on a book.

I mean, look, what's the big deal?

Don't let this woman blow it for you.

[quirky music]

This is a terrible idea.

Ow!

They've already split up.

How much worse can it get?

Did she really say she still loves him?

Yes.

Okay.

Josh. Josh, hey.

Over here.

What are you guys doing here?

We came to see your band.

You guys are so good.

Seriously?

No, seriously, we came to ask you a question.

How could you dump Liza like that?

How is this any of your business?

Okay, something happened between you guys at my Hot Mitzvah, which was meant as a celebration of love, okay, not destruction.

And I have come in the spirit of tikkun olam, which in the Jewish faith means "repair the world, and I... "

Stop.

OK.

Josh.

It's none of our business. We know that.

And Liza would kill us if she knew that we were here.

Okay, but I think that you should know that she still loves you.

Look, I appreciate what you're doing, but things happened between us that you don't know about and don't understand, so...

Oh, okay, okay. Now I'm interested.

Bottom line is, I never really knew her.

What?

It's good seeing you, Kels.

Thank you for trying.

And you.

Next time you think about drugging your friends, don't do it.

All right?

So not cool.

Okay, well, shalom to you, too, brother.

Can we go home? I'm sorry.

Hey.

I'm wondering if Editorial has any profit and loss numbers they could share for the Ellen book.

Why would you need to see those?

Diana.

She just wants to see everything before she submits her marketing budget.

Okay, well, I'll send you what I have.

Thanks.

Hey, can we talk just for a minute?

Sure.

What's up?

Lauren and I went to go see Josh's band play last night.

What? Why?

I don't want to interfere.

I just... I hated seeing you so unhappy, and I just wanted to talk to him.

And what did he say?

Just that you never really let him get to know you.

That's true.

Maybe I didn't.

Look, I know we all want to be the perfect girl in a relationship.

So maybe you just need to let Josh see the real you, not just the good stuff.

You know, even the parts of you that you're not so proud of.

That isn't always that easy for me.

Don't hold back.

Get messy.

Show him the full Liza.

I don't think that it's too late.

You're a real friend, Kelsey.

The best I've made in a long time.

I feel the same way about you.

Thank you.

I'll get those numbers for you.

Liza: Wow. Champagne.

Here's to a wonderful partnership.

I don't want you to feel bad about this, Liza.

You're doing the right thing.

How can I not feel bad about sharing company secrets?

We both know you'll do whatever it takes to get an edge.

Besides, if Diana knew the truth, she'd have you blackballed from publishing.

[laughs]

There might even be a lawsuit.

You're right.

Well...

Here you are.

What's this?

Oh, sweetie, it's our email exchange.

It's you asking for all of Empirical's profit and loss and marketing numbers.

This goes straight to Gawker unless you back off.

You'd be ruined too.

I'd lose a shitty assistant job.

You're the one who loses everything.

I wonder how long you think you can really get away with this.

I guess we'll find out.

woman: ♪ I was stalling at the table ♪
♪ I was ♪
♪ Calling out for more ♪

[knocks on door]

Is he home?

No, he's not here.

Will you give him this?

I'll see what I can do, ma'am.

woman: ♪ Underneath the sky ♪
♪ I cross my heart and hope to die ♪

[door slams shut]

I did it.

Now he knows everything.

woman: ♪ Days of ashes and nights of flames ♪
♪ A thirst for beauty then thirst for games ♪
♪ Do you need to see my soul ♪
♪ Just let me know ♪
♪ When you get high ♪
♪ Everything we touch turns to gold at night ♪
♪ In the dark, we make it special ♪
♪ Make it justified ♪
♪ Everything we touch turns to gold at night ♪
♪ There's a ghost in the machine ♪
♪ And there's a glowing light ♪

Liza: Honey, I'm gonna be waiting for you with a big sign in baggage claim tomorrow.

Caitlin: Mom, I cannot wait to come home.

I miss you so much.

Liza: I miss you too, sweetheart.

You're gonna love staying at Maggie's.

You know, somehow I can't imagine you in Brooklyn.

You must be the least hip person there.

Well, I may surprise you.

Josh: Hey.

So you wore polka dots to prom, huh?

I'm gonna hand you over to Maggie.

She wants to say hello.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I can't wait.

Me too.

Big kiss.

Hey, Caitlin, I hear you got a new roommate.

Hi. Hold on one second, okay?

Hi.

Hey.

I wanted to tell you so many times.

You have no idea.

So why didn't you?

I was afraid.

Afraid you would suddenly think I was someone I wasn't.

But I'm exactly who you think I am.

I just...

I just don't know.

Look, I'm not expecting for us to pick up right where we left off.

All I'm asking for is a new beginning.

And how would that go, exactly?

Hi, I'm Liza Miller.

I'm 40, I'm divorced, and I have an 18-year-old daughter named Caitlin.

It's nice to meet you, Liza.

So, uh...

You want to get a cup of coffee?

I would love that.

[pleasant electronic music]

man: ♪ Talk to me now ♪
♪ Beautiful child ♪
♪ Of everlasting love ♪