01x11 - Hot Mitzvah

man: ♪ I feel all right ♪
♪ Just like I should, should, should ♪

That's the watch I'm gonna buy Thad.

It's exactly what he wants.

This feels like a guilt gift.

You might as well get it engraved with a sketch of Bjornberg's pen1s.

Thad never found out about Bjornberg, and there's certainly no point in telling him now.

I mean, why would I want to hurt him like that?

I don't know, that thing about how honesty in a relationship creates intimacy?

One woman's honesty is another woman's over sharing.

Fine.

I'm just saying expensive jewelry doesn't excuse an affair.

And in the end, after all the tears and the fights, you know what you're left with?

Bad credit and a piece of jewelry with almost no resale value that reminds you of someone you hate.

[phone buzzes]

Lauren: Where are you skanks?

We're on our way, you ho.

Why do you talk to each other like that?

[scoffs] Is that Liza?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, tell that hooker to stop talking and start walking.

Okay.

Slut-bag.

Lauren: [squeals] Finally. Sit.

I ordered you bibimbap.

Mm, yes.

Oh, God, what's bibimbap?

Oh, it's Korean. You're gonna love it.

Yeah, it's the second best Korean thing I've ever had in my mouth.

Hey, so I've been trying to send you an invite, and it keeps bouncing back, so I Googled you, and nothing.

Liza, you're like a ghost on the Internet.

Oh, yeah, um, I like to... I like to keep a low profile.

Uh, a low profile?

Yeah, never say that to a publicist.

No.

What's the invite?

I'm having a Hot Mitzvah.

A what?

Just watch.

Lauren: At my Bat Mitzvah, I hated how I looked.

That's why 13 years later, I am throwing a Hot Mitzvah.

[laughs]

Lauren: You're invited, so you must be hot.

Is that a Star of David bikini top?

Yes!

I crocheted it out of two yarmulkes.

Chic.

Bring Josh and Craigslist Maggie.

Tell that OWL I want her to come.

Owl?

Older wise lesbian.

Hoot hoosh.

[woman vocalizing, upbeat music]

♪ ♪

New Tricks.

As you can see, we're ready. We've got the stand-ups, the wall hangers, the Amazon Banner, the Kindle banner, the NOOK banner.

Liza?

Social media is hyped from Facebook to Book Riot...

Goodreads, too.

So my department is ready to go.

All we need now is the book.

Kelsey.

Well, the good news is the draft is finally in.

The bad news is it's a mess.

She uses the word "man root" 12 times in one chapter.

So I'm out to all the top book doctors, and I'm just trying to figure out who's the best fit.

Well, I suggest you pick one soon, or we'll have to push the pub date.

No, that won't happen.

Good.

Then I think we're done.

Hey, I'm doing a coffee run. You need anything?

Yeah, a book doctor for Megan Vernoff.

Half of my regulars are busy competing for the Kardashian rewrite.

Where do you even find a book doctor, anyway?

Most of them are stay-at-home moms with Ivy League degrees.

I mean, some of them had really promising careers.

They just gave up to have kids, and now they're so far off track, they do anything.

They don't even care about the credit.

Another reason why we can never stop working.

You know, I've done some creative writing.

And I edited the Dartmouth Literary Journal.

Maybe I could give the Vernoff book a try.

Seriously?

You want to write about the s*x life of a woman in her 40s?

I'm sure I can suppress my gag reflex if I'm getting paid enough.

That came out wrong.

But I could use the money.

Well, that's a good reason.

See what you can do with chapter one.

How did I miss the memo on book doctors?

I could have been doing this for years.

Well, there was, like, an entire decade where you were in a PTA fugue.

[cell phone chimes]

Maggie: Josh?

Yeah, but I'm not getting distracted.

This is a big opportunity for me.

Oh, really? What's the book?

It's called New Tricks.

And it's about a woman's sexual reawakening in her 40s.

So you're a 40-year-old pretending to be a 26-year-old who's pretending to write in the voice of a 40-year-old?

Stop it. My head's exploding.

woman: ♪ You don't get me ♪
♪ You don't understand my way ♪
♪ It's too foreign ♪
♪ I don't mind ♪
♪ Same as any other day ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You don't see me ♪
♪ No, you look right through my face ♪
♪ And when we're talkin' ♪
♪ I don't mind ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in another place ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ What you gonna do when you get lonely? ♪
♪ What you gonna make in outer space? ♪
♪ When the air's not clear to see the only thing ♪
♪ The insight gravity can bring ♪
♪ Is knowing what you needed all along ♪
♪ Was a little love ♪

Good morning.

Good morning.

You're getting your own coffee?

I like to keep my life skills sharp.

You know, in case there's another Sandy.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey, I sent you that chapter.

I know. I read it.

And?

You nailed it.

Really?

Yes.

That whole passage where she's trying to hide her stretch marks from her boyfriend, you must have done your research.

Yeah, it's just a writerly imagination.

And is it true that older women really pee a little every time they sneeze?

Once you've shot a baby out... at least, that's what I hear.

[scoffs]

Well, I've got to tell you, Liza, I've hired a lot of book doctors, you're good at it.

You really liked it?

Yes.

And that's why I gave it to Charles.

Seriously?

Yes.

And you are seriously welcome.

Charles: Liza.

Oh, hi.

I just read your chapter.

That's good.

Your HR file says you're 26, but you write like a 40-year-old.

There's something you want to tell me?

Uh...

No.

Come see me in my office.

Liza, all this time, I thought you were just another struggling assistant.

But you've had a secret all along, haven't you?

Well, um...

And now I think I know your secret.

You're a writer.

Yeah. I'm a writer.

Just... I'm a writer.

Guilty. Throw the book at me.

Terrible pun. I apologize.

Your chapter sample was so impressive.

Obviously, you're good enough to rewrite Megan Vernoff.

Really?

Thank you.

But book doctoring isn't really about writing.

It isn't?

No, it's more about egos and that elusive thing that they call "chemistry."

Oh.

Which I think you will excel at.

Oh, good.

You are an easy person to meet, to work with, to, um... be with.

At least, I think so.

Thank you.

I will set up a meeting for you and Megan.

If the two of you click, the rewrite's yours.

What were you doing in Charles' office?

Uh.

Honestly, I was throwing my hat in the ring for that Megan Vernoff book doctoring gig as a side thing.

I was very ambitious at your age too.

But a word to the wise.

Climbing too quickly is dangerous.

You might find you don't have the right equipment at altitude, and your friends won't be there to help you.

Josh: Here's to your first professional writing assignment.

I've got to admit, I'm pretty excited.

So what's it about?

It's about this woman who's been sexually shut down 'cause she's been in a dead marriage.

And she has this kind of awakening.

What awakens her?

She has an affair with her son's karate teacher.

[gasps]

[laughs]

And how exactly does he awaken her?

You want me to tell you?

Yeah.

Okay.

When he first kisses her, he kisses her very, very softly.

Not like it's a bore, more like she's a dessert, and he wants to savor every mouthful of her.

Then what happens?

Then he lays her down on his bed and tells her not to move.

She has to stay absolutely still while he kisses every centimeter of her body from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.

Do they ever take a bath?

They could.

I could write that passage.

What'd happen?

Mm.

Maybe she would look at his body in the glistening water, and the water would be warm and slippery.

And then maybe she would take his...

[door clicks open]

man: Sorry, guys.

I think I left my... yeah, here's my phone right here.

Uh, hi, Liza.

Yeah, I found it. I didn't see anything.

I hate him.

[laughs]


woman: ♪ Together, we can change the world ♪
♪ Change the world ♪
♪ Together, we can change the world ♪

Simon, you're not riding your bike alone to Queens. Do you hear me?

Why?

Because you are 11 and white enough to be thrown into a van. This is end of story. I am hanging up. I'm hanging up. I'm Han... Little sh1t.

Are you Liza?

Yes, Megan, hi. It's so nice to meet you.

What'd you hate about my book?

Oh, no. I didn't hate anything.

I just think there could be more of everything.

Like what? More what?

Um, okay, for example, when Mindy first has s*x with Joey,

"he bangs her hard in the dark closet behind the dojo."

Mm-hmm, right.

Maybe that could be a little more romantic.

Like, how?

Maybe they could actually see each other.

Right.

Once you've had three kids, your stomach's like a deflated basketball.

So mm-mm.

[scoffs]

Everything on this menu is kale.

Maybe Joey doesn't mind Mindy's flaws.

Maybe they're impressive, like battle scars.

Are you serious?

How old are you?

26, 27?

Around there.

Well, most of my readers are over 40, and, believe me, the whole game changes.

You have no idea what it's like after you have kids.

I can imagine.

Oh, yeah?

What can you imagine?

I imagine that giving birth doesn't feel like a miracle.

It feels more like... like you've been in a car accident.

Your whole body hurts for weeks.

And then you start nursing, and you feel like a dairy production animal, especially if you pump.

And you're so tired, and you get these little white bumps on the back of your arms, and every shirt you own is stained, and your husband looks at you like,

"Oh, my God, what happened?"

And the last thing you can think about is having s*x.

It's like you're never going to find that part of yourself again.

Okay, keep going.

Okay.

Pinot Grigio.

man: ♪ She got it now ♪
♪ She got it now, now ♪
♪ She got it now ♪

She hated you.

What?

Yeah, it's that chemistry thing, so don't take it personally.

I really thought we connected.

Maybe you did.

But she didn't feel like you could realistically get into the head of a woman in her 40s.

What are you gonna do?

You're... you're just too young.

[sighs]

Diana: It was so nice to meet you, Hayley.

Hayley: Diana, thank you so much for your time.

I will hold on to your resume.

Oh, that's a friend of mine's daughter.

She just graduated from Harvard.

There are so many of you out there.

The thing that we love most about our Laura is that she never gives up.

No, no, never.

Never.

She is the master of the encore.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Her second try at the SATs...

Second time she went to college.

Her second nose job.

[laughs]

Well, no, as plain as the nose on her face.

What we're saying...

So I don't see a watch on Thad.

I know. I thought about what you said.

And, um, you're right. It's a dead giveaway.

We'd now like to bring to Bima the star in all of our lives, our daughter, the beautiful Lauren Tovah Heller.

[cheers and applause]

man: We're so proud of you.

Who's ready to worship?

Uh, my Torah portion today tells the story of Jacob, son of Isaac and Rebecca.

Jacob lied to his father, pretending to be his brother in order to unfairly win their father's blessing.

Wait, that's in the Torah?

I could have sworn that's an episode of "Game of Thrones".

Today, I am the older, serving my younger self, bearing my honest feelings with all of you.

Because being honest with the people we love is what today is really all about.

Yes, at my first Bat Mitzvah, I didn't have the nerve to kiss the person that I wanted.

But tonight, I'm hot, and I'm kissing who I want.

Shabbat shalom!

Shabbat shalom.

Shabbat shalom.

man: Yo, yo, yo. What's up?

I'm K-Run AKA "Your mama's sperm bank."

And I'm your emcee/panty-dropper for the night.

Uh, yeah.

♪ I'm adoring Lauren Heller ♪
♪ She's hella hot ♪
♪ But at 13, she was most def not ♪
♪ Skinny with pimples, getting dissed by the cutie ♪
♪ Now look who's got a good job and a small booty ♪
♪ Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ Uh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ Come on, let's see it, Ken and Barbie ♪

Not gonna happen, bro.

Oh, something's gonna happen, huh?

Come on. A little robot, huh?

Come on, girl.

Huh, what? Come on. Show me some love.

Lauren: Okay, you two. Come with me, you two.

Now what?

It's going to be fine.

Liza, Josh, hi. Your presence is required.

Come. Come this way.

Maggie.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Come with me.

Okay.

Please arrange yourselves.

Okay, since you are all my closest friends, I wanted to make a special toast.

Thank you for coming tonight.

I know that I can be kind of out there sometimes, but all of you guys accept me and support me, and that just... it means everything.

To my friends.

L'chaim, bitches!

[all cheer]

woman: [auto-tuned] ♪ So high ♪
♪ I'm... I'm... I'm so high ♪

Oh, my God. This is horrible.

What is that?

That's my special Hot Mitzvah shooter, Manischewitz and Molly.

What?

You are crazy.

Oh, we are so not golfing with your parents tomorrow.

What are they talking about? What's Molly?

MDMA. Pure Ecstasy.

What?

Best Hot Mitzvah ever!

Whoo!

man: ♪ She like it, she know that ♪
♪ She like it ♪

How do you know if you're rolling?

How are you feeling?

Like every hair on my body is happy.

And I'm wrapped in a warm blanket of music.

You're definitely rolling.

Hey, you guys want some water?

Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

[distorted] Thank you.

You look wonderful.

[laughs]

I'm gonna start wearing, like, big gold belts.

That is, like, the best you have ever had.

I thought I could never be with you.

We should just, like, talk all night.

Yes.

There. There. I did it.

I finally got to kiss the person I wanted to.

[giggles] Okay.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I-I-I'll talk to you.

Definitely.

Wow.

woman: ♪ Oh, he's so enticed by the way I'm moving ♪

I don't say this enough, but you're the best boyfriend.

You're the best girlfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

That's why I got you this.

What?

Yeah, I was gonna give it to you later, but I can't wait.

Oh, my God.

It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Yeah?

[gasps]

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You're not giving me this for no reason.

[sighs]

Babe...

You're, like... it's like...

Um, I went to a strip club with some of the guys from work.

And I got a lap dance and went a little too far.

[laughs]

You know what, I bought you a watch, a really expensive watch.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I'm saying, I think it would a lot cheaper for both of us if we were just monogamous.

All right.

We have a deal?

Yes.

[laughs]

We have a deal.

[ Hava Nagila plays]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. I love you.

I love you too.

[people cheering]

Hey, I mean it.

You do?

Yeah.

I mean, you... you're smart, and you're beautiful, and I love how you're just game for anything.

I love how I feel when I'm around you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you too, Josh.

That's why I have to tell you this.

I'm a 40-year-old mom from New Jersey.

[laughs] I totally know how you feel.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a 90-year-old fisherman in Japan.

No, I mean it. I mean it.

I'm not in my 20s. I really am 40.

[people cheering]

both: Liza, get in here!

Oh!

[laughter]

[people cheering]

[people cheering]