01x08 - Sk8

I'm gonna get the 900 no matter how long it takes.

I'm just gonna put on a diaper and sit here till tomorrow.

You can't afford diapers.

I never said I was gonna buy one.

Anything could be used as a diaper.

You want some of this?

No, no, it's okay.

I got a big day at work tomorrow.

Oh, work's for jerks!

Lame!

It's tomorrow.

Okay.

[coughs]

Oh, my God, dudes. This game is so old school.

Listen to that music.

Oh, yeah. Super old school.

Like, middle school.

[laughs]

Yep, just about right... right around there.

Hey, I remember when this game came out, man, I didn't even skate or anything.

I used to skateboard when I was a kid.

I was pretty decent too.

Oh, yeah? I love that.

Just picture you in, like, tube socks and checkered Vans.

[laughs]

And pigtails like "Punky Brewster".

[laughs]

Like what?

Uh, like... like a funky rooster.

You're so baked.

Uh! Come on!

You suck. Hey, Liza's turn.

Oh, no, no, it's okay. I don't play video games.

What do you mean?

My parents didn't allow them.

That's, like, child abuse.

I mean, you've played something though, right?

Like, Mario Kart at a friend's house.

No, I haven't.

What about, like, Candy Crush?

Sorry.

So you're a video game virgin.

Is that a big deal?

Not if you're Amish.

Look, okay, I don't want to be a bad influence, so I'm just gonna take your turn.

You don't want to get started on this stuff.

No, you're not.

Take this. Here.

It's easy once you get a hang of it.

Grab the controller.

Firmly?

Yeah, firmly.

This... this button right here makes you move forward and backward.

I like moving forward and backward.

And what does this button on the tip do?

What if I touch just the tip?

Yeah.

It's all yours, big guy.

What happened to the door?

Oh, we... we broke it wrestling.

We're using it as a table.

You should've totally been there.

Next time.

We can't. They're right there.

They're fine.

They won't lift their heads from that game for hours.

It's fine, it's fine.

All right, I think I'm gonna take a rain check.

Or a door check.

Or we could go check the shower.

Mm, you have mushrooms growing on the tub.

It's okay.

I really do have a big day at work tomorrow.

Work is a four-letter word.

So is door.

[groans]

Bye, boys.

♪ ♪

We need a new door.

[guitar rock music]

♪ ♪

Skinny cap, low foam.

And I got you both bold control and high lift L'Oréal.

Oh, and Nina from publicity wants to know the exact name of the honor Bjornberg is receiving at the PEN Awards.

The Scandinavian Prize.

And does PEN stand for "Poets, Essayists, and Novelists," or, "Playwrights, Essayists, and Novelist"?

She didn't ask that, did she?

Well, apparently there's some confusion on Wikipedia.

Apparently, publicity is incapable of doing anything on their own.

Well, I think it's just because Nina just had eye surgery and her cat has a urinary tract infection, so she...

Liza, this is the most important literary event of the season.

Don't get sidetracked.

I need you to triple-check everything, especially social media.

I have. All the live tweets you've approved are ready to go.

Did you check Empirical's table placement?

We have two right near the stage.

Good, I want the heavy hitters to see that we have Bjornberg.

Just finished the final edit on Anton's speech, and I emailed it to you.

Is he nervous?

Only about finding the perfect tux, so I'm going to help him now.

Black tie means black tie.

No color. This isn't the Grammys!

Is transportation set?

Yes, and all the cars have umbrellas in case it rains.

Good.

I need you to make sure Bjornberg has a place to smoke after the red carpet, pick up my dress from the dry cleaners.

Oh, Bjornberg's wife is flying in to surprise him, so take the town car, escort her to the hotel, and make sure she has everything she needs.

Bjornberg's wife is coming here?

Yes, but, shh, it's a surprise.

(Bjornberg) Kelsey, can you come and take a look at this?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

[moaning]

(woman) Is everything okay in there?

Uh, yeah.

(Kelsey) We, um, are just checking the fit of the... of the pant.

(Anton) Go, go, go.

Okay, okay, okay.

They're great. We'll take 'em.

Excellent.

[cell phone chimes]

His wife is coming?

Yeah, aren't you glad I found out now, before she just showed up at the awards?

Yeah.

Why would she do that?

Because she's his wife, and she wants to share his life with him?

I guess I never really thought about his wife.

That was the great part.

She's in Sweden.

Yeah, no one ever thinks about the wife.

All the sacrifices she's made, all the dinners she's cooked, all the toilets she's cleaned.

If this woman finds out about the affair, she's gonna be devastated.

Girls in their 20s don't think about that.

"Girls in their 20s"?

You're in your 20s.

Yeah, but I'm very mature.

I spent a lot of years meditating.

I just don't get it.

What's in this for you?

What? Are you kidding me?

He's this brilliant writer who happens to be amazing in bed.

I'm not gonna pass that up.

And by the way, isn't Anton's wife his problem?

Yeah, but who's problem is Thad?

If Thad and I are gonna be together, I'm probably gonna be happy I had the affair.

I don't want to be one of those women who wakes up at 40 and realizes she forgot to have a life.

Okay, Kelsey, I'm your friend, but I got to tell you, your adventure with Bjornberg has collateral damage.

[cell phone chimes]

And I got to go pick her up at the airport.

Thank you so much for meeting me.

Please, let me treat you to lunch.

I can't. I have to get back to the office.

There's, like, a million errands to do before the awards tonight.

You must take 20 minutes for a bite to eat.

I insist. Come.

Okay.

And the Linguini with clam sauce for you.

Thank you.

More jasmine iced tea?

Uh, please.

This is heaven.

Well, you assistants... you take care of everyone.

You deserve to be taken care of once in a while.

Not everyone thinks that way.

Well, I remember very well what it's like to have these jobs in your 20s.

You're in your 20s, Liza, yes?

Yes, I'm 26.

You're so lovely.

Your eyes... they're very much like doe eyes.

Has anyone ever said that to you before?

Maybe.

My husband said you've been showing him such hospitality while he's been here in New York.

The whole company is so happy to have him.

My Husband... he started writing his new novel.

He sends me all the pages.

Wow, that's exciting.

Yes, it is.

And, of course, you know that Anton always writes from his real experiences.

And this is about his experiences here in New York.

Would you like me to read you some?

Sure.

[speaking in Swedish]

I'm so sorry. I don't speak Swedish.

[shouting in Swedish]

What... what... what's going on?

Don't pretend you don't know!

He writes about you.

His 26-year-old mistress who works as an assistant in a publishing house!

He wrote about that?

So you admit it?

No, no, no... it's not me.

Oh, it's not you, with the doe eyes?

[speaking in Swedish]

A what?

A v*g1n* as soft as a walrus' fold.

[shouting in Swedish]

You!

You stay away from my husband!

I just had lunch with Bjornberg's wife.

Is she pretty?

Not when she's hitting me.

What?

She knows he's having an affair.

She thinks I'm the one he's sleeping with.

What would make her think that?

He wrote about it in his new book.

He said his mistress has doe eyes and a v*g1n* as soft as a walrus' fold.

Okay, something must have gotten lost in translation.

Kelsey, this is serious.

I know, I know.

I have to break things off with Anton.

But I can't right now.

The PEN Awards are in, like, an hour.

I just don't...

[knock on door]

Oh, here you are.

In an entirely different department than the one that employs you.

You're supposed to be helping me get ready.

Did you get everything on the list?

Yes, I got your fake eyelashes and your SPANX.

Shh, shh, shh. Charles.


Hi. Hi, Dana.

And Liza, right?

Right.

Looking forward to the PEN Awards tonight?

Yeah, I am looking forward to seeing the Knopf table applaud our star Bjornberg.

Maybe we can share a town car over.

I can't. I have to go home and meet the new babysitter.

Oh, I understand. Well, see you there.

Yep.

Is he looking?

He sure is.

No, don't look. You'll ruin the moment.

Did you make sure I was seated next to him?

Weeks ago.

Did you...

I reconfirmed it today.

I feel sorry for him about the divorce, but I can't say I'm not thrilled he's on the market.

He does seem nice.

Nice? Are you kidding me?

He's straight, handsome, intellectual, and available.

Do you realize how rare that is?

It's like finding a snow leopard in your backyard.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

You have no idea what it's like to be single and in your 40s.

It's like trying to rent out a beautiful apartment where a murder took place... everyone's spooked.

I kick myself for all those years I wasted with Philip Roth.

Have I mentioned that I was involved with Philip Roth?

Several times.

I was.

Hey.

I hate being 26.

What happened?

Should I start with how I had to pluck a chin hair from my boss' face, or perhaps you'd like to hear how I was accused of adultery and whacked with a rolled-up manuscript?

What?

I just don't know if I could go through all this again.

It's so demeaning.

All the grunt work and all the lying.

I honestly don't know if I can do this anymore.

Well, you need the money.

And there's perks to being 26, like, having s*x with a hot 26-year-old.

He doesn't even have a door on his bedroom anymore.

Now all we do is play video games.

Need some wine?

Thank you.

Want some Parmigiano?

Prosciutto.

Yes.

And can we put on our sweats and watch "Downton Abbey"?

Absolutely.

It'll be like having a 40-year-old time-out.

Should I break out the slanket?

I love you.

[cell phone buzzing]

Mm, getting a call?

Oh, no.

What?

Hello?

Charles' babysitter didn't show, so I volunteered you.

Uh, I'm already back in Brooklyn.

If only there were some sort of underground train system that could get you to the Upper West side in 30 minutes, which is when he's expecting you.

Is this already a done deal?

I'm texting you the address right now.

Leave immediately.

What?

I have to go babysit my boss' boss' kids.

Now?

Yup.

Back to 26.

Oh, you poor thing. Here, chug that.

(Charles) Thank you for coming, Liza.

You are really saving the day.

Oh, well, it's no problem.

Hi. I'm Liza.

This is Bianca. That's Nicole.

Say hi. Don't be shy.

I used to babysit a girl who was very shy.

What was her name?

Kaitlyn.

And you know what Kaitlyn loved?

What?

Polly Pockets.

So do I!

It's too bad we don't have any here that we could play with.

We do!

I have Polly, Lea, Chrissy, Lila, and Shani.

Come to my playroom!

No, come to my playroom.

What, you have two playrooms?

And a media room and a library.

Wow.

Come on!

Have fun.

You too.

Be good.

It's so difficult being married to a renowned author.

Women literally throw themselves at Anton.

They think baiting a literary giant will give meaning to their miserable little lives.

Well, I suppose some of the...

Those little groupies? They're disgusting.

And you know the women I'm talking about, yes?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I do. Excuse me.

I can't believe you wrote about our affair and showed your wife.

It was vague. Could be anyone your age.

Oh, anyone in publishing who has doe eyes and a walrus v*g1n*?

What the hell does that even mean?

Have you ever touched a walrus fold?

When would I ever do that?

Well, then you cannot understand.

It is the highest compliment in my country.

Oh, no! Oh, no!

The zombies are closing in!

What am I gonna do?

Oh, no! Oh...

[cell phone chimes]

Freeze!

I got to text the sheriff.

Okay.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Ow, my brains!

(man) This year's PEN Social Justice Award goes to Alex Minnick.

[applause]

[both speaking in Swedish]

Long line at the bar.

Thought I'd bring you another scotch just in case.

Well, thank you.

Oh.

So, how are you holding up?

Oh, you know.

Day by day.

Divorce is tough.

Are you divorced?

Yes, yes.

I was married briefly in my 20s.

Everyone kept asking, "What happened?"

Like it's so easy to explain.

Well, it's, uh, easy for me to explain.

My wife left me for another man.

So did my husband.

[cell phone chimes]

It's from Liza.

I asked her to check in with me.

(Liza) Oh...

Brains!

Oh, no!

She is just fantastic with kids.

I love kids too.

Some people find them annoying, but I-I just love them.

(man) Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.

Looks like Bjornberg is up next.

Anton, stop it.

Your wife is right there.

[speaking indistinctly]

It's brilliant.

No, it's... it's terrible.

Listen, this whole thing...

I've loved our time together, okay, but it needs to end.

I mean it.

[clears throat]

[gasps]

This is how I feel when you say that.

What are you doing?

I will not agree to this.

Stop. God, you're bleeding.

(man) And this year's PEN Scandinavian Prize goes to Anton Bjornberg.

I refuse to lose you.

Okay, okay. You won't have to.

Just go. Go.

[applause]

I don't think we've officially met.

I'm Kelsey Peters. I'm Anton's editor.

Oh. Nice to meet you, Kelsey.

I'm the one sleeping with your husband.

Excuse me?

It's not Liza.

I am the walrus.

Hello?

Are they asleep?

Oh, yeah. Hours ago.

How was it?

Everything was great.

Except Kelsey Peters left rather abruptly.

Yeah, she texted me. She was sick.

How did everything go here?

Oh, it was great.

You didn't do the windows, did you?

Uh, no, that's "monster go away" spray.

[laughs]

Can I offer you a drink?

Sure. I'll have what you're having.

Uh...

Okay. Thank you.

The girls... they were just angels tonight.

I am glad to hear that.

Please.

This divorce has been rough on them, and they can act out.

Well, you must be doing something right.

I don't know, their mother's in California, and the girls haven't seen her for months.

Yeah, Nicole told me. It's rough.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Mm, it's okay.

Messes make people interesting.

They do?

Yes. The messier, the better.

Name any great artist.

Uh, Beethoven.

Alcoholic father.

Kurt Vonnegut.

Searching. Okay, keep going.

Jonathan Franzen.

Oh, messy divorce.

Woody Allen.

[scoffs] Please.

[laughs]

Vonnegut... mom committed suicide. Boom.

So now we're taking pleasure in other peoples' misery?

No, we're taking solace in other peoples' misery, and we should do it frequently in order to maintain our sanity.

You sure you're 26?

[laughs]

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, a friend's walking me home.

Oh, I was gonna call you a car, but that's good.

So I'll... I'll see you at the office?

Yeah.

Maybe you can babysit again.

Yeah, just let me know.

Yeah, you don't want me to keep you here when you have a young man waiting.

Well, how do you know it's a young man?

Isn't it?

Uh, yeah, it is.

Okay. Sorry. Good night.

Good night.

Wait.

I, uh, forgot to, uh, pay you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll see you at work.

You got it.

Good night.

You didn't have to come get me.

Hi.

But then I would've had to wait so long to give you this.

What?

What?

Come on.

You said you were badass, right?

Yeah, when I was 17.

Well, that wasn't that long ago.

Uh, yeah, it is.

Come on.

Let's give it a go.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Ready?

Yes.

Okay.

Whoo-hoo!

[laughs]

Oh, snap.