01x07 - Broke and Pantyless

[bluegrass music playing]

♪ ♪

Ooh, they're really good.

I know.

My boyfriend's in a band.

How cool is that? [laughs]

Correction: your hot boyfriend is in a band.

Hey, why even bother with the washboard?

He can play his own abs.

Sorry. Only I get to play those.

I hear that, girl.

Hey, I've got to go meet Anton.

He's got some questions about the new edits.

What? Now?

Yeah.

Liza, he's an artist.

He doesn't think about time.

Hey, if Thad asks, I was with you both until midnight.

Got it?

Mm.

[smooches]

man: Thank you, Brooklyn.

We're the Bedford Avenue Country Boys.

[all strum note]

[cheers and applause]

Yay!

You play a mean washboard, my friend.

[chuckles] Thanks, groupie.

How does one learn to play the washboard?

Did you do a lot of old-timey laundry as a kid?

Or did your pappy teach you how to play?

My pappy?

I was in a band in eighth grade.

I played the tambourine.

We called ourselves the Ga-Ga's.

Like Lady Gaga?

No, like the Go-Go's Sometimes you just make absolutely no sense at all.

Mmm.

[phone buzzing]

[groans]

Who calls at 6:00 in the morning?

Hi, honey.

Hi. It's so nice to hear from you.

Mom, only half the tuition came in for my semester.

What?

I sent the check three weeks ago.

Did you talk to your father?

Yes, and he said he's working on it.

You know it's not easy for him right now.

It's not easy for him.

Mom, I don't want to have a child of divorce moment.

I just need someone to send a check for the tuition.

Honey, I'm sorry about this.

I'm gonna get you that money, I promise.

You don't worry about a thing.

[sighs] I love you, Pumpkin.

[whispers] Pumpkin?

[sighs]

Is everything okay?

Uh, yeah. It's just some work drama.

Yeah. Sure.

Work's gonna be mental today, so I'm gonna shower at home.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Okay.

Bye.

[upbeat rock music]

01x07 Broke and Panty-Less

♪ ♪

Listen.

I just want to apologize about last night.

Okay, I didn't mean to put you in a weird position.

No problem. It's your life.

What? No lecture?

Like I said, it's your life.

YOLO and all that.

Wait just a minute.

What is going on with you, young lady?

Nothing.

Well, is it Josh?

No, it... I'm just...

I'm strapped for cash.

I need $1,800 by Friday.

For what?

It's... a student loan thing.

Ugh. Are they hard-core harassing you?

I swear MasterCard has drones following my every more.

Yeah, yeah, they are.

They're very threatening.

Let's have lunch with Lauren.

She is the queen of the second shift.

What's the second shift?

Uh, cater waiter, hair fairy, comedy club barker, um...

Oh, dancing taco?

Uh, hand model.

Let me see them paws.

Oh! No, no.

Never mind. Maybe not.

Okay, okay, tell her about the other thing you did for money, you know, when your parents cut you off for a month.

Yeah, tell me.

Okay.

For, like, a hot minute, I had a nice little side biz selling my panties on Craigslist.

What?

It's so much better than the other skeezy stuff guys will pay for.

How much?

Um, $200 a pair.

And they must be used.

Used?

Yep, like, "wear them for three days, work out in them, never take them off" used.

And you did this?

Yeah, quite successfully.

I got to tell you, there's definitely a market there.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

A creepy, skeezo market, but...

We just need to write a juicy ad and take a hot picture.

No, I can't show my face.

No, no, no, that is not what they're paying for sister.

Are you wearing underwear now?

Of course I am.

Great.

Slip them off down to your ankles.

Here?

Trust me, I work in publicity.

Take 'em off.

Okay.

Ah! They're so cute.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

No, thank you.

No, we're fine.

Can I get a double macchiato, easy on the foam?

You got it.

Okay.

I attached your photo to my old ad.

I found the perfect filter.

Ah.

Ah! [giggles]

"20-something panties, ripe and ready.

$200."

I don't know.

This feels incredibly creepy.

Kelsey: Wait. You're only gonna have to sell nine pairs.

Oh, you could do that in a week.

You know what? I'll even get a pair nasty for you.

They will never know the difference.

What a lovely gesture. Thank you.

There.

Your panties are officially on the market.

[giggling]

man: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la ♪

Josh: So you'll like this.

I worked on this couple today, right, and they each wanted half a heart tattooed on each side of their arms that when they held hands...

It's one heart.

I know.

So they're heartbroken when they're not together.

That's so romantic.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of idealistic, though, right?

What do you think?

Think we're supposed to be with one person like that forever?

Like, when I was in college and...

Yeah, old age has turned you into such a cynic, huh?

Who are you calling old, mister?

[phone buzzes]

Hey, it looks like we're running on empty here.

I will be right back.

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

Josh: Who are you texting?

Uh, nobody.

I was just Yelping this place.

Well, I am an open book so, have at it...

Pumpkin.

I respect your privacy too much.

[phone buzzes]

[groans] I'm sorry.

My boss is all over me.

Do you mind if we call it a night?

Not a problem.

Sorry.

Okay.

This one seems the least murderer-y.

"Meet me at the coffee shop on 50th and 6th Avenue.

"Listen for when the barista calls the name Gary.

Ugh, "I need to see you wearing the panties.

Want to make sure they're fresh out of the oven."

Ah!

You got to hand it to pervs, man.

They don't accept mediocrity.

I feel so skanky.

Oh, please. I've done worse.

Like what?

Uh, Lilith Fair '98.

They don't call them box seats for nothing.

[laughing]

I hope Caitlin appreciates what you do for her.

She can never know.

We're taking this to the grave.

Deal.

Anton, I'd just like to say once more how pleased we are to be publishing the translation of your magnificent book.

I have just read the manuscript.

I think that it is going to be as successful here as it has been in Sweden.

Well, that is certainly my hope.

And we are going to do everything we can to make sure everybody knows about it.

Liza?

To begin, we are doing a teaser campaign, and we're thinking about sending Swedish Fish to bookstores around the country maybe six weeks before the publication date.

Try the green ones.

They're delicious.

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.

These are not Swedish Fish.

Taste more like gummy bears.

Stale gummy bears.

Well, they're shaped like fish, so they're Swedish Fish.

Actually, your Swedish Fish are not Swedish at all.

At home, we call them pastellfiskar, but I prefer... [speaks Swedish]

Which are black like tar with a bitter licorice taste.

Well, we'll send... [mumbles] to the... to bookstores.

[speaks Swedish]

[repeats Swedish poorly]

[speaks Swedish]

You...

Please stop saying it.

Okay.

"The cold winter sun, hardly perceptible on the horizon, mirrored my imperceptible heart."

I'm just wondering if we need the "cold."

I think it's stronger without it.

[whispers] I agree.

We can't.

Everyone can see in here.

And here, where you write, "After shutting ourselves indoors for the winter "like the first lingonberry spring, we bud miraculously."

I'm just wondering if "lingonberry" is meant to be plural...

Oh, God.

Anton, please don't worry about the Swedish Fish.

I just want you to be comfortable here.

I am very comfortable, I assure you.

Oh.


Meghan Trainor: ♪ Because you know ♪
♪ I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass ♪
♪ No treble ♪
♪ I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass ♪
♪ No treble ♪

Liza: All right, which one, do you think?

I don't know.

They all kind of look like pervs to me.

Gary?

woman: ♪ Yeah, it's pretty clear ♪
♪ I ain't no size 2 ♪
♪ But I can shake it, shake it ♪
♪ Like I'm supposed to do ♪

whispers: Gary.

woman: ♪ That all the boys chase ♪
♪ And all the right junk in all the right places ♪

Let's see them.

Did you sleep in them last night?

Yes, and I did an hour of hot yoga this morning.

Nice.

Show me the money.

♪ I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass ♪

Okay. I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

woman: ♪ Mama, she told me ♪
♪ Don't worry about your size ♪
♪ She says boys like a little more booty ♪
♪ To hold at night ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I'm bringing booty back ♪

[inhales deeply]

♪ Yeah, my mama, she told me ♪

Hey. Hey. Gary. Gary!

What happened?

I just got sniffed and stiffed.

Ew.

♪ 'Bout that bass, hey ♪

You always get the money first. Didn't I mention that?

It's okay.

I don't think this is my calling.

I think I'm gonna close up shop.

Okay, well, if you're interested, I have another gig for you.

Okay. I'm listening.

So my friend Rakeem does PR for a start-up that's throwing a launch party for a new app called Getcha Buzz On.

I'm sure they could use a cocktail waitress tonight.

I did a gig with Rakeem and the beauty is, he pays in cash right after you turn in your costume.

Costume?

[phone ringing]

Unless my ears are deceiving me, that is my phone ringing off the hook.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Where'd she go?

I like your look.

You're hot but not whorey.

Uh, thanks.

So what does this app do?

It geolocates affiliated liquor brands so you can buy drinks using your Buzz Points.

It sounds like a complicated way to get a drink.

You got that right.

I like my liquor and my men the same way: simple.

Yeah. Same here.

All right, you're good to go.

Okay.

Oh.

[energetic techno music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

I know you.

You work for Diana Trout.

Well, obviously, I work in publishing for love, not money.

Buzzy navel?

Oh. Euh.

Glad to meet a girl who's not living off her trust fund.

Trust fund?

My father's a high school gym teacher in Maplewood, New Jersey.

And is marketing your passion?

Well, my heart's in editorial, but it's, uh... Yeah, it's very valuable learning from Diana.

You're quite the politician.

So what brings you out to this fabulous bash?

Oh, a friend of mine is an investor.

Also, I'm just trying to get out there more, expand my comfort zone since my divorce.

Those first few months are tough.

I totally understand.

I mean, not... I don't understand, like personally, but I...

I've read many novels with divorced characters.

Well, here's to a bright future and fewer parties like this one for both of us.

Sorry, I can't drink on the job.

Uh... [clears throat]

Unless you work in editorial.

Ha. Okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I am so sorry. I'm really...

I'm really sorry.

I think you're done here for the night.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think so too. Okay.

Kelsey: Wait, you didn't get paid?

Paid?

I'm lucky I didn't have to pay for Rakeem's Versace silver lamé suit.

You know, if you're really strapped for cash, you could always sell your eggs.

I saw your spill last night.

I think you better stick to publishing.

I'm just saying.

Well, as long as I still get to wear hot pants in the office.

Only on casual Fridays.

[laughs]

Why is he talking to you?

Uh, it's... It was nothing.

I know an inside joke when I see one.

Get in here.

[door bangs]

And?

We ran into each other at this party last night.

What kind of party would you be at with Charles?

Well, I wasn't exactly a guest.

I was working... as a caterer.

Actually, more as a bartendress.

You were serving people?

Well, I need to make some extra money.

I have this student loan payment of, like, $1,800 due, and they're totally harassing me and...

I see.

So tell me...

What's Charles like in the wild?

Actually, he's a little dorky.

Dorky?

Yeah. I mean, he's at this cool party at this very happening club.

Mm-hmm.

Very young crowd.

Like, nobody over 30, and they're all partying...

On a Tuesday night?

And was Charles... partying?

No. I mean, that's my point.

He wasn't.

He didn't look very comfortable there.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, it was like he was going through the motions of trying to have a good time, but you could tell he was just kind of forcing himself to get out there.

Did he bring a date?

Definitely not. He was alone.

All alone at a hot party.

Sad.

Men are so desperate.

I do think he's feeling a little adrift since the divorce, which, you know, it's totally normal.

And where do you gather these little nuggets of wisdom from?

BuzzFeed?

It was just an observation.

The headline here, Liza, is that girls who work for me shouldn't spend their nights cocktail waitressing.

It's very bad form.

The only moonlighting I want you doing is here in this office.

Am I clear?

Perfectly.

[phone chimes]

Hey, where you going?

Anton wants me to meet him at some address in the West Village.

What for?

I don't know.

But, Liza, he is a little kinky.

Kelsey, you can't let this guy degrade you.

Excuse me?

You just took your panties off in a coffee shop bathroom and sold them to a pervert on Craigslist.

Correction: almost sold.

Whatever.

I think it was good for you, and I think this is good for me.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

woman: ♪ You got me all fired up ♪
♪ Running round with you ♪
♪ You got me feeling something special ♪
♪ So what am I to do? ♪

Hey.

You found me.

What is this place?

You'll see.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Keep them closed. Uh-huh.

[giggling]

Keep your eyes closed.

And stop.

Now, open your mouth.

What does it taste like?

Bitter... [clears throat]

Licorice.

Little salty.

Exactly.

That is real Swedish Fish.

Did you bring me here to eat candy?

Maybe this you can send with my book.

Wouldn't be bad idea.

Okay.

Oh.

And you must try these.

[speaks Swedish]

It's my favorite.

Delicious.

Good?

My girlfriend and I would like a pound of...

[speaks Swedish] Please.

Some... [speaking Swedish]

I am not your girlfriend, Anton.

I'm your editor.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I mean, my editor.

Bring me the catalog copy for the Bjornberg book.

I looked for it on your desk, but it was a rat's nest.

Sure. I'll go find it.

Diana, this is so generous of you, but I couldn't possibly take this.

Consider it an early Christmas bonus.

You have no idea how much this means to me.

I don't know how to thank you.

Well, you can start by bringing me that catalog copy I asked for.

Of course.

And Charles is not dorky.

You don't know him at all.

She doesn't know him at all.

Hey.

Hey.

[clears throat]

[sighs]

So what's going on with you?

Hmm?

Nothing. Why?

Well, you've been acting a little weird.

I am weird.

I mean, you've been making phone calls in the bathroom, hiding emails.

I just feel like you're acting sketchy.

Okay, um...

All right, the truth is...

I have been short on cash, so I made an ill-fated attempt to sell my used underwear.

Wait. What?

Here. You can read the emails.

Okay.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

And how much did my sexy girlfriend profit from this very questionable transaction?

$1,800.

Yeah.

Wow.

Uh, how much do you think a pair of American Apparel boxer briefs with a slightly blown-out waistband are going for...

No, I'm out of the business.

Ah. Just ballpark it.

man: Josh. Let's go.

Hey.

Thanks for being so honest, groupie.

[band warming up]

[phone chimes]

man: One, two, three...

[bluegrass music playing]

woman: Whoo!

man: Yeah!

♪ ♪