01x06 - Shedonism

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

So I don't think I can do those things.

I thought the same thing when I first joined CrossFit, but I bet you'll surprise yourself.

I know you have the stamina.

Well, I have a very inspiring coach.

Do your best, all right.

I want this to be our thing.

It's a lot of fun, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

[claps]

[whistle chirps]

man: All right, listen up, class.

Today's workout is IDA.

I hate IDA.

Who's Ida?

IDA is a mean, cold-hearted bitch.

IDA will find your weak spots and exploit them.

IDA is 500 sit-ups, 200 burpees,

100 Olympic clean and presses, then the three timed heats.

Don't worry.

It sounds worse than it actually is.

Now, I'm required by our lawyers to read this statement aloud.

"This is a strenuous workout. And we are not scaling in here. So if you're 40 or older, proceed at your own risk."

man: All right, guys. Spread out.

[whistle chirps]

Burpees.

[upbeat pop music]

She-donism, the latest soon-to-be best seller by our very own Annabelle Bancroft.

Annabelle will be doing Andy Cohen tonight and Hoda and Kathie Lee tomorrow before heading off on her ten-city book tour.

I just want to say I read the book last night, loved it.

For those of you who haven't seen the galleys, the book is about three best friends, all recently divorced, who make a slut pact never to remarry.

Marketing has created t-shirts to be given away at point of purchase and at the She-donism book launch party tomorrow night.

Liza.

I'd like to bring Anton Bjornberg.

He's alone here. His family's in Sweden.

Also, he'd get to see what to expect for his own launch party.

By all means, invite him.

Thank you.

Just don't give him false expectations about his own book launch.

Not everyone can have champagne in fur-wrapped bottles.

I need you to double confirm the RSVP list and make sure Anderson Cooper's office knows we will be sending a car for him and his hot Latin boyfriend.

Done and done.

And Annabelle insists that all the vodka tomorrow night...

Organic and gluten-free. Got it.

Are you limping? What's wrong?

I need you not crippled right now.

I'm sorry.

I took a CrossFit class this morning, and I think I tore my... Everything.

Liza, when I was your age, I could run a 10K and rehydrate with White Russians.

Oh, God, help us.

She's smoking in my office.

[laughs]

Sweetie.

Diana: Annabelle.

Oh, nobody told me you were here.

I have some concerns about tomorrow night.

I saw the media alert for the party.

And, frankly, I'm not happy.

Annabelle, it's going to be a fantastic event in one of the hottest clubs in the Meatpacking District.

Which would all be just so exciting if this was 2003.

Why not just go all the way and invite Paris Hilton?

She passed... because she wasn't invited.

Sweetie, you're phoning it in.

This party should be somewhere interesting, like in an industrial shipping container or some skanky club in Brooklyn.

Liza lives in Brooklyn.

Who?

Liza.

My assistant, Liza. She lives in Brooklyn.

Uh, yes, that's right.

I... I live in Williamsburg.

Is that the t-shirt?

Annabelle Bancroft.

It is so nice to meet you, Liza.

Annabelle, may I just say what a fan I am of your work.

I've read all your books.

I loved Mantastic and Goldman s*x.

Liza, just what are we gonna do about this party?

I spent the last year like a little mouse in my little mouse house typing and typing, and now I just want to have a good time.

Of course. That's what we're here for.

I want this party to be epic.

I want hot men and live peacocks and young people that no one would ever think to invite to something like this, because they're under the radar and much too interesting to bother.

They're on the cusp.

Do you know what I'm saying, Liza?

Um, yes, yes, I do.

You want cusp-ers, young cusp-ers.

She knows what I'm talking about.

Liza is my secret weapon for all things youth culture.

She's dating a tattoo artist.

Uh, yes, that's true.

He's pretty amazing.

He's invited.

Liza's going to step up and really take charge of making sure this party is fun, young, and hot.

In fact, I'm going to make her run point for the party tomorrow.

Me?

Oh, wow.

Oh, God, please tell me you're not one of those earnest millenials who's never had a cigarette and thinks her parents are heroes.

Nope. Definitely not.

Guess who's just been promoted to point person on the She-donism party?

What?

Diana is giving up control?

Annabelle wants a younger vibe.

Of course she does.

I'm sure she also has some young intern writing her tweets.

It's really amazing to me the way this older generation just totally exploits us to try to seem relevant.

Uh, totally.

We should file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of exploited youth.

Kelsey: Right?

And then use that money to pay for their Social Security, which will go totally bankrupt by the time we need it.

Everything okay?

Uh, I... I don't know.

It's my ex... my exercise instructor.

He's worried about me.

That is so nice of him to check in on you.

Yeah, I mean, it was a really strenuous class.

Um, you know what, why don't you go to lunch without me.

I'm gonna let him know that I'm okay.

Okay.

Liza: David.

Liza.

Thanks for coming.

You look great.

Thank you.

Sit down.

I can only stay for a few minutes.

Yeah.

Can we...

So she'll have French roast, low-fat milk, toasted scooped bagel and a side of sliced cucumbers.

I forgot.

Hm, just the coffee, please.

Yeah?

All right, what's the emergency, David?

Oh, okay, so, um...

I just have to ask you a favor.

It's not gonna cost you a dime.

What kind of favor?

I just want to sign over the title of The Liza to you.

What? Why?

Just so we can keep it safe.

Did you gamble away the boat?

Lo... [sighs]

A guy who hasn't fumbled in his entire career fumbles twice in one game.

How is that even possible?

David, what did I say when I moved out?

I'm not asking for money.

It's just... It... Just some paperwork.

Why don't you ask your girlfriend?

She's proving to be less than sympathetic.

Does she not know about this?

Liza, I hate asking you this.

I know how difficult I've made things for you.

It's just, this boat means a lot to me.

It's the last thing that I have... from us.

Just... just think about it.

Okay. I'll think about it.

Oh, yeah. I got this.

I got it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Actually, do you have a single?

Liza: I can't believe we're practically divorced, and he's still pulling this crap.

Then I see him, and it's like this old feeling kicks in, like I want to take care of him.

Well, I, for one, say take the boat, sell it, and keep the money.

Maggie, that boat is practically worthless.

Half my memories are of the two of us bailing the damn thing out.

Well, then, why does David want it?

I don't know.

It's like that boat is that one connection he has with the man he used to be and I think would like to be again.

[phone buzzing]

Annabelle says she's gonna slit her wrists if there's any fluorescent lighting at the party, and she wants to approve all the waiters' head shots.

What a demanding bitch.

Can't wait to see my gift bag.

Uh. Ow.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah.

I may have ruptured my groin.

It's a small price.

See you later. Okay. Yeah.

No, no, I don't need a peahen. I need a peacock.

Cock!

I need at least three of the biggest, most beautiful cocks you have.

Diana: Liza.

Come in my office.

I'm gonna have to call you back, sir.

Liza, I hope you realize the opportunity I'm giving you.

I do, Diana.

Good.

Because my assistants don't stay assistants very long.

They move up, or they move out.

I'm going to be following this party very carefully... on Twitter.

What... you're not gonna be there?

I have known Annabelle since she was writing s*x tips for Cosmopolitan back when I was your age.

Seriously?

Mm.

She used to be my closest friend.

We were wild.

She was always trying to get us to have a three-way with Jay Mclnerney.

What happened?

Well, I got serious about my career, but for Annabelle, the party never stopped.

I've tried to get her into rehab.

There is only so much you can do for people who need help, but won't get it.

Well, sometimes people need a second chance.

I don't carry deadweight well in my personal life or in my office.

Good luck tonight.

man: ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, chicka-choo-cha ♪

woman: ♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪

Laurent, I'm so sorry.

I don't see your name on the list.

What's the last name?

It's just Laurent.

Never mind... [speaks French]

Hey.

Oh, my gosh. You look amazing.

Thanks. You too. How's it going?

Oh, so far, so good.

I just wish people were tweeting more.

I really need you to post something cool, like, every five minutes.

Okay, but can I send it as, like, an email attachment instead?

No.

Uh, just go find a hot girl with a Twitter account.

All right, well, then, she made a list.

Wait a second. Courtney Austin is here?

Yeah, she's, like, the Martha Stewart of beauty blogs.

Oh, yeah, I've had a thing for that woman for years.

I mean, like, seriously, vivid dreams... Absolutely filthy.

And I hear she's finally single.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Lauren, hey.

Hey.

You told me to bring people. I brought my whole list.

So you don't have to worry about your list.

Trust me. My list is much better.

Oh, my God. You got peacocks.

That is so awesome.

Yeah, and make sure to tweet about it and tag your friends, hashtag ♪She-donism, hashtag ♪SlutPact.

Relax. They'll tweet.

Liza.

Annabelle.

Are you having fun? Katie Holmes is here.

I just got the most disturbing text.

Somebody turned away my coke dealer at the door.

Josh: Hey, party girl.

Josh! Hi.

Uh, Annabelle, this is Josh.

Annabelle, nice to meet you.

Okay, he is very hot.

And it's my party, so every hot man here is my property for the night.

Come on, Josh.

Let's get those tats a drink.

Oh, is that a dolphin?

And where is that naughty little dolphin diving to?

Hello, Flipper.

[upbeat dance music]

Hey, Courtney. Hi.

Maggie.

I heard you were here.

What a surprise.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry about you and Susie.

You guys were together for so long.

Five years.

But it's all for the better, really.

We wanted different things.

Mm.

So does this mean I can finally ask you out on a date?

Maggie, I would love that.

But, first, I really need to find a bathroom.

Oh, wow. You're pregnant.

Oh, I thought you knew...

With twins!

Oh.

Don't move.

woman: ♪ I want you ♪
♪ I want to be with you ♪

So will I have a book party like this?

Mm.

Would you like a book party like this?

Absolutely not.

[laughter]

You look beautiful tonight.

Anton, I hope that you didn't sign with me for the wrong reasons.

Do you really believe that I would put my book in the hands of anyone other than an extraordinary editor?

I would hope not.

But you cannot deny that there is an attraction.

No.

I just... don't want us becoming confused about what's really important.

I believe it was Fitzgerald who said that, "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time."

I think it's highly possible that F. Scott Fitzgerald was drunk when he said that.

[chuckles]

[glass clinking]

I wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you, all, so much for coming tonight.

She-donism is more than a book.

It's a bible.

There's only one commandment: Close your hearts, and open your legs for everything life has to offer!

Ha ha, Annabelle.

Oh, your unique sense of humor is what is sure to make She-donism your next best seller.

Oh, my God. I see my dealer.

Laurent!

[all gasping]

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay, hi, Laurent...

All right, okay, yeah. It's still glass.

Go around. It's okay.

It's okay.

Don't tweet that.

What?

Maggie, have you seen Annabelle?

No, but I did find Courtney.

She's nine months pregnant.

She wants me to take her home so we can bang each other's brains out.

Apparently, double the hormones, double the horny.

Wow. Good for her.

All I cared about in my last trimester was fried chicken and my doughnut pillow.

Listen, can you stay at Josh's tonight?

Sure. Are you gonna go for it?

Why not? You know, sometimes life gives you what you ask for.

But just... it's just not the way you pictured it.

Besides, her tits are huge now.

Oh, all right.

Did you see this?

Lauren: Annabelle is a Vine.

[all gasp]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

How do we take that down?

Take it down?

You can't buy this kind of publicity.

Believe me. I have tried.

Oh, mop and bucket... I got to go.

That's got Annabelle written all over it.

Stay.

Okay.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh...

Diana?

I saw everything on Twitter. This party is a disaster.

Liza: No, no, it's not a disaster.

We have thousands of retweets, and we're a Vine...

A trending Vine.

You're welcome.

Diana: Let's just get her out of here before she kills herself.

Annabelle: Is that Diana? Dirty Diana.

[shushes]

Oh, let's go to Club Shelter and dance in a cage.

Shut up. I'm taking you home.

You used to be fun.

I still love you, Grandma.

Oh, okay, let's get her out the back door quietly.

You're a really good friend.

No, a good friend would stop bailing her out and let her hit rock bottom.

This is professional. She is my author.

Now let's get her out of here while she still has her underwear on.

Hoist. [grunts] Oh, God.

I still have my underwear on?

This was a terrible party.

Liza, why did so many Amish move to Williamsburg?

They're not Amish. They're Hasidic.

But they're all wearing Prada.

How do they afford it?

What do they all do for a living?

They're not wearing Prada. That's just how they dress.

Get her in the car before she chokes on her hair extensions.

Annabelle: I ordered a white Town car with beige interior.

All right, let's get you buckled up for safety.

Be careful with your hands, sweetie.

They're a dead giveaway.

This is your purse.

When you throw up, you throw up straight into it.

Understand?

Understand what?

Miss Winehouse left her shoes...

Oh, that's all right.

I'll bring them to her doorman later.

Okay.

Okay.

Annabelle: Club Shelter, please.

No.

Whoo!

woman: ♪ Oh ♪

[grunts]

Huh.

I haven't been off my feet for the last 17 hours.

It was fun visiting you at work, though.

You are such a good sport.

It was very entertaining.

[groans] Make it stop.

I can't see it.

It's awful.

You know, I figured out what her problem is.

What's that?

That she won't act her age.

I mean, she's clearly in her 40s.

She acts like she's in her 20s.

I mean, why would people do that?

I think some women feel a little...

I don't know... Lost when they turn 40.

You know, there's a lot of pressure to be young.

[chuckles]

I wonder what we're gonna be like in our 40s.

I think I'm gonna be a lot like I am now.

Me too.

Ow. CrossFit.

The more you do it, the less it hurts.

Sure.

[chuckles]

Did you see?

Finally fixed the bimini top.

I can't take the title, David.

Sure you can.

And you can use the boat whenever you want.

They still do fireworks out here on the Fourth.

No, I can't keep bailing you out.

It isn't helping you.

If I'd stopped a long time ago, maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad.

Things aren't that bad.

I just hit a rough spot. That's all.

I'm gonna turn it around. You'll see.

I'm not gonna take the boat, David.

But I'll lose her.

I know.

Wow.

It's like you turned into this completely different person.

[chuckles]

Maybe I have.

Good luck, David.

Hey.

Hey.

Did you get the tablet art for the Happy Vegan Cookbook?

Uh, yeah, I'll forward it to you.

Thanks.

So are we just not gonna talk about Bjornberg?

I saw you guys last night at the party.

Oh.

And Diana almost saw you too.

Yikes. All right.

I will be more discreet.

I don't think it's discretion that's the issue.

I don't think I need a lecture right now.

Kelsey, I'm only saying this because I care about you.

And you're too smart to be known as the editor who sleeps with her author.

Okay, Liza, I know that you care.

But I know what I'm doing.

And you're not my mother.

You know what, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I am so totally not your mother.

man: ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Caitlin, hey.

I can't believe it's been a week since I last talked to you.

I heard Dad had to get rid of the boat.

Uh, yeah, I heard about that.

Sucks. First the house, now the boat.

It's like everything's going away.

Well, I'm not going away ever.

You hear me?

Yeah.

All right, so tell me what's going on with you.

You said you got invited to a Hindu wedding?

Yeah, do you want the short version or the long version?

The long version.

And start from the beginning.

Caitlin: Mom, it was so beautiful and over-the-top.

The whole village was there... Like, 500 people.