01x05 - Girl Code

All right. Shh.

I don't want to wake up Maggie.

I can't find my shirt.

Well, it's not a proper walk of shame unless you've lost some clothes and some self-respect.

Are you slut-shaming me right now?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Yeah?

[clattering] Oh.

[gasps] What are you doing?

He's taking out the trash.

That's not the trash. That's my art.

I'm sorry.

Liza: Maggie, you remember Josh?

I do. Good morning, Josh.

All right, well...

I will call you later.

Okay.

I'm sorry, again.

You snuck a boy in?

No, I walked him in. I was sneaking him out.

Am I not allowed to have boys spend the night?

No, I've never even thought about it.

I mean, how about you're not allowed to have boys spend the night who trash my art... Sound good?

Fair enough.

These actually still might work.

I'm transforming old perfume bottles into beer bottles.

It's part of my new show called Deceptive Intentions: Reconstructing Gender Norms.

Or Bitches Brew.

I haven't decided yet.

I didn't know you had a show next month.

Well, I haven't had time to tell you because you're so busy living your fabulous, new, 26-year-old life.

[laughs] Fabulous.

I'm tired all the time.

I'm either out partying or having s*x and...

Oh.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah, I realized as soon as I said that I wasn't gonna get much sympathy.

I feel like I saw more of you when you lived in New Jersey.

Why don't we do something tonight?

Well, there's this new young artist premiering at my gallery, and I need to show up to be supportive.

It's gonna be awful. Come with me.

I'm in. You sold me.

Let's make sure to get a crappy meal beforehand too.

I need you to be on your game today, Liza.

And then raise your same several levels to my game.

Do you think you can do that?

Uh...

Just try to keep up.

Charles has scheduled a meeting, and I've heard it is about repackaging.

And do you know who is in charge of repackaging?

Us.

Me.

And perhaps, if the client is big enough, Charles too.

We may even have to work some late nights.

Do you like him?

He is a married man, Liza.

But an attractive straight man in a publishing house is rare.

It's like finding Louboutins at a yard sale.

Plus I heard a rumor his marriage is on the rocks.

So we are going into that conference room for that meeting.

I need you to take detailed notes.

I plan on being distracted.

So Hollywood is finally starting to recognize Chinua Achebe's work, and we are in discussions with the estate for the rights to reissue and repackage the book to accompany the film release.

[groans] I'm dying.

What's wrong?

My Goddess Cup is stuck.

It feels like it's launching unsanctioned air strikes on my cervix.

What's a Goddess Cup?

Like, a menstrual accoutrement.

You know, it's like a tampon, but eco-friendly.

It sits up inside your stuff like a...

Like a diaphragm?

What's a diaphragm?

I can't. I have got to go.

[groans]

Charles: The nun plays the role.

Wow, this message board is filled with angry emojis.

Apparently this happens a lot.

Okay... okay, okay, okay. Here we go.

If you orgasm, the contractions will release the cup.

Orgasm? I'm at work.

I can talk you through it.

Kelsey?

I'm back here.

Are you okay?

No.

It's still up there.

Clearly I have a huge v*g1n*.

I'm not sure why I bother carrying a purse.

girl on phone: Hey, I knew a girl who got a tampon stuck and she had to go to the walk-in clinic.

Weeks later, she was convinced a rat had died in her apartment, but it was just her.

It turns out, the clinic only removed half the tampon.

That's a cute story.

Liza, I'm gonna need your help.

Okay, what can I do?

I need you to lock the door, and I need you to wash your hands.

I wouldn't ask, but it's an emergency, okay?

I'm going on, like, 14 hours here.

Damn it.

woman: ♪ Check it in, check it out, show them what you got ♪
♪ What the are you all about? ♪
♪ What the ♪

Thank you.

We will never speak of this again.

Liza.

You are the real deal.

Anything you ever need, ever, I got you.

I'm so sorry. I was in the bathroom.

Spare me the details.

Charles wants to get together and talk about this repackaging, so I volunteered to meet him over lunch.

Oh, are you going out?

No, we're eating in here. It's a work lunch, Liza.

Quick question.

When I put my chin in my hand, do I look riveted?

Or like I'm holding a pastry bag of chin skin?

I'm so sorry.

I was distracted by this prestigious award from the London lit fair on your desk.

2012. Bad year for books.

Good year for trout.

Now, lunch.

I want you to get the specials from Betony on 57th.

And I want them hot, so take the car service.

Empirical has a car service?

Only for work emergencies.

It's an emergency.

woman: ♪ Doing that thing I love ♪
♪ Can't get enough ♪
♪ That thing you got ♪
♪ You know I want it, baby ♪
♪ Doing that thing I love ♪
♪ Can't get enough ♪
♪ What you need is a woman who can understand ♪
♪ I heard you knock at my door ♪
♪ Watch me open up ♪
♪ Oh ♪

But I am...

I am really excited about this repackage.

Have you read Achebe?

I'm sure I have.

Yeah, Things Fall Apart is one of my favorite books.

I actually think it's required reading, now, in high school.

It is.

Oh, yeah. Have you read it?

Yeah, I read the entire trilogy.

I couldn't put it down.

Yes, the trilogy is groundbreaking.

Oh, so you have read Achebe.

What's your favorite?

Of the trilogy?

Oh, well, um...

Probably the second book.

No Longer at Ease...

Then put the box down.

Is a great title for the second book, don't you think?

Liza: About a man caught between two worlds.

Adiche's Americanah comes close to capturing that experience, but nothing measures up to Achebe.

You're very well-read. I'm impressed.

You know what I'm not impressed with is the state of this cod.

It's freezing.

Take that on your way out.

Thank you.

Diana: I'm ecstatic.

Yes, absolutely. Okay.

[chuckles softly]

Don't you ever book-drop like that again.

I was only trying to help.

You were insinuating that I am bad at my job.

I will have you know that I am the hardest worker here.

When these lightweights go on vacation, I work; while you were Instagramming your way through India, I was working; and before that, when you were vaporizing on the quad at Dartmouth, developing your fondness for African literature, do you know where I was?

I'm gonna say at work?

And don't you forget it.

Whoo.

Let's go get a drink tonight. I owe you one.

I might need a week before I can even look at you again.

Besides, I can't tonight.

I'm going to an art show with my roommate.

Ew, that old lady you met on Craigslist?

I'll rescue you.

No, no, no. It's okay.

We probably won't stay long.

It's supposed to be really bad.

Not if I come.

I'll bring my friends. It'll be fun.

No, it's okay. I...

This is happening.

So Kelsey's coming to this show?

Yeah, she sort of invited herself.

It'll be fine.

Or weird.

You know, you and me hanging out is just...

I'm just worried she's gonna think I'm...

Gay?

Old... er.

Don't worry... I promise not to blow your cover.

I'll just be your roommate.

Your older roommate.

Who I found on Craigslist.

Craigslist?

Why are you hanging out with me?

'Cause you're cool.

You're my cool older roommate I found on Craigslist.

I am cool.

I lived in Williamsburg before it's all rich kids on unicycles.

I was your coolest friend, remember?

You were the one... The housewife from New Jersey who went to book club and drank Tequila Mockingbirds.

That is a delicious cocktail.

And that book club helped me impress my publisher today, so I'm grateful to them.

Yeah, we should've thrown back a couple of cocktails,

'cause this is gonna be rough.

I mean, we might be the only people there.

[people chattering]

Wow.

Ready?

Mm.

[Friends theme song playing]

♪ ♪

I can't tell. Is this good?

No.

You know, this is so depressing.

My first show... The only people that came were my mom and my psycho ex-girlfriend and Phil, the gallery owner, who's standing over there.

Look at him. Look at him. He's smiling. He never smiles.

Liza: He shouldn't. His gums are too big.

Almost 20 years married to a dentist.

You notice.

No.

Liza: Oh, look... oh, there's Kelsey and her friends.

Oh, wow, it's like observing flamingos in nature...

Bright, colorful, and their heads all bent at an uncomfortable angle.

Hey.

Kelsey: Hey.

Liza: Okay, here we go.

Remember... no references before 1990.

There goes all my material.


Hey! Hi.

You remember Lauren. This is Jess.

This exhibit's amazing.

Yeah, I'm definitely amazed.

Oh, this is my roommate, Maggie.

She's also repped by the gallery.

You're an artist too? That's cool.

Apparently not as cool as that guy talking to Carol Vogel from the Times, and bro-nodding to Don and Mera Rubell, the biggest art collectors in the country.

Screw me sideways.

Oh, my God. That's the artist?

I love a guy in a high bun.

Me too. Dibs.

That guy?

Yeah, he's way more my type.

Really? You're already in two undefined relationships right now, so...

Define "undefined."

Christ, I mean, it's like trying to talk to a loose balloon.

No, they can be focused... When they're tweeting.

Yeah, I'm sure. You hang with the flamingos.

I'm gonna go try to schmooze Phil for two seconds.

All right?

Okay. Okay.

I am ret to go.

Yeah, I'm done.

Can we blow off Craigslist Maggie and go get a drink already?

One sec.

Hey, how goes the requisite schmoozing?

Phil can't seem to break away from his hipster harem and talk to me.

I mean, my show's in a month and not even a mention of my work.

He's gonna hear about this.

Are you sure you want to go Mad Maggie on Phil?

He's still sort of your boss.

Out of my control. I need to release the beast.

Okay, well, the girls want to go get a drink, so do you want to meet us, or...

I can't be with the girls right now, all right?

I got to talk to Phil.

If you want me to wait, I'll wait.

Just go. It's okay.

Liza, let's go.

Okay. Call me?

All right.

I'll tell you where we are, okay?

Is Craigslist Maggie, like, your mentor or something?

Why would she be her mentor?

Yeah, I don't know why else she would hang out with her.

It's just nice to have an older, wiser person around sometimes.

Oh, yes, yes. That is how I feel about Siri.

Siri, hey, what is sadness?

Oh, my God.

The Friends guy just texted me.

Wait, the artist?

No, Chandler Bing.

Yes, the artist.

I called dibs on him, Jess.

You can't give your number to a guy your friend called dibs on.

That is girl code.

She's right. That's girl code.

Yeah, and from my understanding, dibs is a binding verbal contract.

Fine, we will have a three-way.

That's your answer for everything.

Well, you claim to be 60% gay.

Not for you.

Hey, you know what? No more texting.

Cell stack.

I would like to make a toast to Liza Miller, the Goddess Cup Extractor.

[snickering]

Not afraid to just reach up in there, bare-handed, like a mechanic.

Glad I put a gag order on that incident.

Sorry... it's kind of a big deal, though.

Welcome to the inner circle, Liza.

Friends for life.

For at least the next 13 years.

She's taking herself out at 39.

Mm-hmm, the beginning of the end, when gravity starts winning.

And you have to buy a one-piece because your abs start disappearing under your giant foopa.

[laughter]

And your metabolism just sh1ts the bed.

[laughter]

To strong women.

Ride or die.

Big booty hoes.

Salud.

Bitches!

[all cheering and laughing]

[gurgles]

[cheers and laughter]

[phone vibrating]

I'm gonna do two.

Yeah!

[groans]

[gulping]

What's going on? I called you so many times.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't pick up my phone.

But I'm fine.

Whoa, did you barf?

[laughs] No.

I went to a shawarma cart.

I was really drunk. I still kind of am.

But guess what.

I'm part of a crew now.

I have bitches, Maggie, and we rule.

How exciting for you.

I got into a huge fight with Phil.

Phil.

With his big, puffy smile.

A gum recontouring is what he needs.

[phone beeps]

I kept on pushing him to explain why there is absolutely no mention of my show.

[laughs]

Kelsey and I, we made a middle-aged murder pact.

We're gonna kill each other before we turn 40.

She just texted me... [laughs]

"Poison my Ensure."

[chuckles]

Who are you right now?

What? No.

Are you Mad Maggie that I stayed out late with my crew?

Well, Phil cancelled my show and dropped me from the gallery.

Have a great rest of your night, yo.

[door slams]

Hi. I made some coffee.

And I know you don't eat breakfast, but if you're feeling hungrier than you are angry, I have some toast here... I could butter it up, sprinkle on a little cinnamon and sugar.

It's like eating a hug.

I'm not hungry.

This came out good.

Wow, it's really beautiful, Maggie.

I won't be needing it anymore. I got dropped.

[smashing]

I'm never gonna find another gallery at this age.

I completely understand what you're going through.

No, you don't... You're completely obsessed with living this 26-year-old life.

Maggie, me passing as younger was your idea.

Yeah, to find a job, not a crew, or some Tiger Beat cover of a boyfriend.

He's actually very mature.

I needed that show, Liza.

I know.

Do you? Yeah, I don't know what you know and what you've completely forgotten.

[groans]

Ooh.

You look bad.

Why don't you?

I had a space cake and a melatonin before bed...

Best hangover cure.

Last night was so much fun.

Oh, my God, do that Cher impression again.

It was hilarious.

You were at the shawarma cart like,

♪ Chicken, lamb, or beef? ♪

[groans] I'm such a jerk.

Wait, what's wrong?

Maggie got dropped by the gallery.

And I wasn't there for her.

I was out annoying a hot meat vendor.

Liza, she's just your roommate.

I mean, it's awful that she got dropped from the gallery, but don't be so hard on yourself.

Liza.

Shut the door.

Is everything okay?

I'd say so.

The rumors are true.

Charles is getting divorced.

How do you know that?

His doorman is friends with my dog walker.

That's why it's important to stay down with the people.

Wow, divorce. That's rough.

So is dating in your 40s and inheriting your grandmother's Welsh calves.

Yeah, but a divorce and going through it alone.

I can't imagine.

Exactly.

He's gonna need someone to be there for him.

Yeah, he definitely will.

Someone to deal with how crazy he acts and how selfish he becomes.

Someone to be the adult when he's being totally irresponsible.

I'm hoping we can be irresponsible together.

What he probably needs is someone supportive and grounded.

Or open and rebounding.

It's a tricky time.

Schedule me a wax appointment with Dorota.

Uptown and downtown.

Do you know what I mean when I say "downtown"?

You do. Okay. Okay.

Liza: Maggie's my friend.

I mean, technically, she's my roommate, yes.

But she's also my friend.

She's been there for me when no one else has.

Well, if she's your girl, then you got to figure out a way to help her.

I'd love to find someone to beat up Phil, the gallery owner.

I think I could do it, but I don't want to get caught.

We'll come up with something a little less gangster.

Oh, you don't have to get involved.

Of course I do... If you're close with Craigslist Maggie, then so am I.

It's girl code.

Well, she has all this great work and nowhere to show it.

Maybe I could find her a new gallery.

I might actually have something.

Could you get her downtown after work?

Downtown? I can't even get her to answer her phone.

I don't know how I'm gonna get her downtown.

[phone beeps]

Sorry.

I have an idea.

[horn honking]

[honking continues]

[opera music playing]

♪ ♪

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to win you back.

Maggie, without you, I'd be back in Jersey, drinking Bridget Jones's Daiquiris with my book club.

I owe you my life, my annoying, 26-year-old life.

♪ ♪

I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you last night.

I've been completely caught up in these new relationships...

I know it.

It's hard to make new friends.

It's harder to lose old ones.

Well, technically, you're old too.

♪ ♪

And you're not losing me.

♪ ♪

I can't believe you Pretty Woman-ed me.

I can't believe I'm Richard Gere and you're Julia Roberts.

I always thought it'd be the other way around.

[laughs]

Come down here. I have a surprise.

All right. All right. Give me a minute.

♪ ♪

What is this place?

You'll see.

Hey, guys. Come on in.

Is Phil tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth?

No, that's already been vetoed.

Oh.

[techno music playing]

Lights, lights, smoke machine.

Drag queen.

Some cheap wine, little plastic cups, and voila.

Welcome to your pop-up gallery.

See, you don't need Phil's gallery.

You just need a space where you can show your work.

And our combined 7,000 Facebook friends.

How did you find this place?

Oh, I went to school with this dude, Teddy Wong.

His parents own the building.

Anyway, I bring him weed and he lets me use the space for parties or when I'm buying stuff from weird people off Craigslist.

No offense.

None taken.

Maggie, I looked up your work on Artnet, and it deserves to be someplace really special.

I love it. I can't believe you guys did this for me.

Any friend of Liza's. Come on.

Not just any friend.

My oldest friend.

Yes, your oldest friend.

[laughs]

Yay!

Thanks, you guys.

Liza: Yay!