01x04 - The Exes

[rock music]

[door slams]

♪ ♪

Ooh!

♪ ♪

woman: ♪ You're the lion ♪
♪ That I'm taming ♪
♪ And now I'm not the same ♪
♪ We're swinging in the jungle, baby ♪
♪ You're my Tarzan, and I'm your Jane ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'm wild for you ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'm wild for you ♪
♪ Wild for you ♪
♪ ♪

[bed cracks]

[both laughing]

woman: ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, I'm wild for you ♪

Good morning.

Good morning.

[laughs]

I can't see out my window.

That's right. You broke the bed.

I... I did... You broke your bed.

I was just along for the ride.

[sighs]

So tell me about your first ride.

[laughs] My first ride?

Yeah.

You're really asking me that?

Mm-hmm.

Tom Amoroso.

Tom Amoroso.

Yeah.

He took me to a Nirvana concert.

We got drunk, did it for two minutes in his dad's Pontiac Sunfire.

Nirvana... What were you, five?

Uh...

It was a reunion concert.

It was, like, a one night only thing.

They had this hologram of Kurt Cobain.

When was this?

Josh...

Oh, man.

How do I say this?

This is the easy, uncomplicated part.

Let's not... Let's don't weigh things down with talk of past or future.

Let's think of ourselves as, um... a couple of Buddhist monks just living in the present moment.

Monks.

Well, monks who have dedicated their lives to lots of s*x.

Mm.

So stay in the present and have lots of s*x.

Mm.

I could probably be persuaded.

That's very big of you. Thank you.

Speaking of things that are big of me...

Seriously?

[upbeat rock music]

man: ♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Wild for you ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[video game explosions]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Wild for you ♪

I am now officially acting like a 26-year-old monster.

You had s*x with him.

Eh...

Not s*x per se, at least not s*x as I have come to know it.

[giggling] Because it was such good s*x.

Yeah?

You know that thing that people describe when they're having a near-death experience where they're floating above their bodies and can see themselves on the operating table?

Yeah.

I had that.

Really?

Yeah.

Except instead of watching someone give me CPR, I was watching myself in sexual positions I thought were only theoretical.

Ooh, fantastic. Congratulations.

No, it's complicating everything.

I went over there to tell him the truth, and then I didn't tell him, and then I was gonna tell him this morning, but the s*x was so good that I realized that if I told him, I might not have s*x with him again, and I really wanted to have s*x with him again, and then I did have s*x with him again.

And this is why I'm a monster, some kind of stealth cougar monster.

Liza, you don't have to do this to yourself.

And you don't have to tell him.

What am I supposed to do, just keep lying to the guy?

He's having s*x. You're not hurting him.

I mean, you're not hurting him, are you?

Is he into that?

No.

So why don't you just enjoy yourself for awhile?

What's so hard about that?

Nothing.

Everything. You have no idea.

I am very happy to announce that Empirical is now officially the publishing house for the English translation of Anton Bjornberg's Kaleidoscope of Life.

We signed the Swede.

[applause]

Now, we're on a tight launch for the fall, which will be not a small challenge, because the preliminary translation might as well be in Swedish.

But I start working with Anton first thing in the morning, and I'm confident that we can meet that deadline.

So I will need marketing and cover artwork by the end of this week.

Great. That's all from me.

Damn, girl.

If I didn't know you, I'd be impressed.

I definitely want you on my marketing team.

I'm gonna take you under my wing.

Kelsey, congratulations.

I don't know how you did it, but you did.

I'm here if you need me.

Liza.

You're da bomb.

We celebrate tonight, big.

Liza: To our newest star editor.

I still have to deliver on the book.

Well, that ain't no thing...

[laughs]

For you to do...

I cannot believe this is the same girl I used to have slumber parties with and talk about how we were gonna marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Andrew Keegan.

Oh, my God. We were obsessed.

Wait. Which one were you?

Which what, now?

Who'd you like better?

Oh, uh, Keegan.

Oh.

Ugh.

Liza.

Oh, yeah. I know.

Yeah, I was a Keeger.

Oh, no. JT squared all the way.

No contest.

By the way, we could so bang Jonathan Taylor Thomas now.

Yeah, we could.

Yeah.

Yeah, how have we not banged him yet?

Find out who Jonathan Taylor Thomas' publicist is, see if I can bang him.

Also, Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Also, Tiffani Amber Thiessen.

To Kels-Bells, all grown up and taking over the world.

Uh-huh.

Hey, don't let me drink too much tonight.

Okay, I have to be sharp for Bjornberg tomorrow.

I get past a certain point, it's not cute.

Don't worry. I got your back.

You're my girl.

Thad: Hey, hey. What's up, ladies?

Babe, I thought you had to work.

I pawned a few things off on the assistants, but it's fine.

They have it all.

Perfect timing. You can have my chair.

all: What?

I know. I know. It's tragic.

I got to jet to this party in Crown Heights where they're serving sushi off cisgender models.

What?

Don't ask.

I love you. I am so proud of you.

Muah. Muah. Love you.

So you remember Liza?

Who?

Oh. Yeah, hi.

Hi. What a pleasant surprise.

Well, I couldn't miss my girl's big night.

Oh, is there skinny margaritas?

Yes.

For a celebration?

Boo, fail, hey.

Bro, shotskis over here. Tequila.

I'm so happy you're here.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hm. All right.

[glasses clinking]

Ooh.

Another round.

Uh, actually, I think that might be enough for Kelsey and me.

What? You're kidding, right?

Oh, she asked me not to let her drink too much tonight, so maybe we should cool it on the shots.

Whoa, I thought this was gonna be a celebration.

Who invited the fun police?

Don't stress.

I know you girls make garbage money.

I'll pick up the tab.

I'm not worried about who's gonna pay.

I'm worried about her meeting with her author in the morning, which is important.

Sweetie, I move $50 million in paper each day.

You don't see me ruining everybody else's good time, do you?

Come on. You deserve it.

Okay. Just this one.

Okay, and then water.

That's my ride-or-die bitch.

[laughs]

Mm.

Another round.

Whoo.

You can't leave a shot on the table.

Liza, party foul.

Kelsey.

Okay, can we please get some waters?

Uno.

Dos.

Yeah, that's cinco.


man: ♪ Don't stop us tonight ♪

[upbeat dance music]

Ooh!

[shudders]

Remember how you said you pass a point where it's not cute?

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

I think I just passed that point.

[both laughing]

woman: ♪ Ready, set, go ♪
♪ We don't stop until we're done ♪
♪ Take your places on the floor ♪
♪ Start it, three, two, one ♪

Ah, love this song.

[laughs]

[Thad grunts]

Hello.

Have I met you before?

Uh-huh.

Okeydoke. That's my cue.

All right. Come on.

Yeah, we should go home.

Yep.

Home?

What? We're just getting started.

I know what we're gonna do.

[laughs]

Oh, this is gonna be so genius.

We're gonna go.

We're gonna see that guy that Liza's been seeing, Jeremy.

Josh?

Josh.

We're gonna go see Josh at his tattoo parlor in Brooklyn, and we're all gonna get tattoos.

Babe, you know I don't do Brooklyn.

No offense.

Lots taken.

Too late. I already ordered the Uber.

[sighs]

This is gonna be epic.

I'm gonna commemorate my first acquisition.

I got to do something Swedish.

Like, a little Volvo on my left boob or... or a meatball.

Okay. Thad's going home.

I'm going home. We're all going home.

Oh, I thought I was your ride-or-die bitch.

You are, especially if that ride's going back to my place right now.

No. Tattoos.

Fine. I'm out of here.

What? Fine.

Go home and finish binging Gilmore Girls.

He loves that show.

Our Uber's here.

[squeals] Let's go.

Oh.

man: ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

man: ♪ I'm a player, baby ♪

I can't believe Thad didn't come.

That might have been the smartest thing Thad's ever done.

Listen to me, right now you need to be more concerned about your meeting with Anton Bjornberg in the morning.

Bjornberg?

[laughs] He's so cute.

Oh.

I mean, look at those smoldering eyes.

They're very smoldering.

Okay, I get it. I know.

You're all sober and blah and snore.

Don't try to tell me that you're not just a little bit excited to visit Josh again.

Just teeny, weeny bit.

Just a teeny, weeny, little baby bit.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Stop.

That's more like it.

[laughs]

[groans] He's hot.

"You are hot."

Send.

Uh. Yeah.

Send?

What do you mean, "send"?

Please tell me you did not just send our prized new author a text that says, "You are hot."

Okay. I won't tell you, then.

But I did.

[laughs]

You should see your face right now.

[laughing]

man: ♪ Yo, yo ♪

[Kelsey laughing]

Liza: All right. Just get out.

man: ♪ What we gonna do? ♪

Careful.

Oh, no.

Liza: All right, see, I told you. It's closed.

How is this even possible?

'Cause it's after midnight on a weekday, and he's not a coke dealer.

All right, can we get in the cab now?

Come on, let's go. Let...

Wait. Wait. Okay, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Didn't you tell me that he lived here?

You did. You... I know it. I know it.

He lives right there.

But he's obviously out or already asleep.

Okay, well, call him.

No, that's not gonna happen.

No, call him.

Call him.

Stop.

I didn't come all the way...

Stop! Stop!

[yelps]

I didn't come here to not get a tattoo!

Call him!

No, I don't want to bother him.

Josh!

Stop it.

Seriously, are you... are you insane?

I'm sorry.

Will you please...

Liza: Oh, my gosh. You can't do that.

Are you crazy?

Wake up!

Are you insane? Stop it.

[Kelsey babbling indistinctly]

[both yelling at once]

Ha!

[glass shatters]

[gasps]

[retching]

Liza.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

My friend's really drunk, and she just threw a rock through your window.

I'm so much better now.

I'm going back inside.

Liza...

Uh, no.

We shouldn't have come.

Um...

I'm gonna get a tattoo.

No, we're gonna, uh... I'll pay for that window.

All right. It's okay. Taxi!

Kelsey: Wait. I didn't get a tattoo.

Liza, will you just wait one second, please?

I have to get her home, okay?

[sighs]

Liza: You and all the tequila you drank need to get in that cab this instant!

[yelps]

Get in there!

Kelsey: Okay.

Josh: Liza.

Liza.

Two years of no s*x.

And the second I dip my toe back in, this is what I get.

I mean, it's not like I have any claims on the guy.

I mean, I'm the one who said, "Let's keep it light."

It's just... I just can't believe that he would jump into bed with somebody else right after he'd been with me.

Doesn't his pen1s ever need a break?

[laughs] Welcome to 26.

That moment when I saw them together, my stomach just dropped.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this is more than just fun.

No, it's definitely not fun anymore.

[phone alarm buzzing, dinging]

[groans]

[groans]

Kelsey: Hey, it's Kelsey. Don't leave a message.

I never check this.

[voice mail beeps]

Kelsey, where are you?

Bjornberg is here.

Diana: Liza.

Why is Anton Bjornberg sitting by himself in our conference room?

Uh, he's here for his first meeting with Kelsey.

Well, that explains why he's sitting in our conference room, but not the "by himself" part.

Kelsey has been slightly delayed.

How delayed?

That is undetermined at this time.

What are you, the White House press secretary?

If you don't tell me, I can't fix it.

[sighs]

She was worked up about today and nervous about the deal, so I gave her some Ambien.

There is a slight possibility she may still be asleep.

Oh, dear God.

Anton. Diana Trout, head of marketing.

Hello.

Hi.

This is my associate, Liza... something.

Kelsey's been slightly detained.

Uh, let's chat a bit about marketing.

I'd be very interested in your input.

My input is I don't care about marketing.

And if you understood anything about my work, you would know that about me.

You know what, perhaps I've made a mistake here.

Hey, I'm here. I'm here.

Oh, good, because he's gone along with his book, probably.

What? You guys couldn't have kept him here for five minutes?

I tried, started talking to him about marketing.

God, that's... that's the worst thing you could have done.

Really?

Worse than not showing up?

I don't think so.

We really did try to stall him.

Liza, seriously, I thought you had my back last night.

Thanks for nothing.

What?

I told you to not let me get too drunk.

News flash: I tried my best to stop you.

But you started doing shots like a Lohan once Thad showed up.

And then you insisted on going all the way to Brooklyn, dragged me down to Josh's place for a ridiculous Swedish tattoo, and then you threw a rock through his window.

Oh, and I did I mention he was with another girl at the time?

So thanks for that.

Well, I don't remember any of that.

And while it does sound awful, if you had been a proper wingwoman, none of that would have happened.

I don't... I don't even have words to describe how crazy you sound.

You sound like a 50-year-old.

50? How dare you.

You know, you asked me to look out for you, and then I do, and you accuse me of acting... significantly older than I am.

You know, you can rant and deflect blame all you want, or you can own this, take responsibility for it, and go fix it.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry you had to walk in on Josh taking some girl to Poundtown.

Technically, I didn't see any of the actual voyage to Poundtown.

She was really pretty, though.

I bet she's stupid.

She looked stupid.

Like a big stupid cow.

You don't even remember.

[Kelsey sighs]

[bell rings]

Hi.

Well, our meeting was two hours ago.

Yeah.

I was late this morning because signing you is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me.

And I was so excited, I went out to celebrate, and I got drunk...

Hi.

Hey.

All right, so, um...

Listen, she is a girl that I used to date.

And occasionally she still comes over.

And last night, it was unannounced.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I was unannounced.

I would have to told you about her sooner, but you said you didn't want to talk about the past, so.

And is she?

Not that that's any of my business.

Totally.

Yes.

What about you?

Huh?

What's the story with your last relationship?

[chuckles]

It's so boring.

I mean, seriously?

We broke the bed in three different places.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Um...

It was awhile ago.

He was a poet when we met.

He's really talented, actually.

But then life happened, and he needed to make some money, so he gave up on his dreams.

I had a relative become dependent on me, so, you know, that changed me.

And then he cheated on me, so I left.

For India.

Yes, for India.

Wow.

That is some heavy stuff for a college relationship.

Well, it was an Ivy League school.

Do you think that I can maybe have another chance?

I'm all about second chances.

woman: ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪