01x03 - IRL

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

Okay, there's a strong possibility I could end up naked with Josh in the very near future.

I need you to look at my body and be brutally honest.

Ooh, I like the landing strip.

Nice choice.

It's like the little black dress of pubic hair.

But what about the skin above my knees?

And I think I'm getting a cleavage wrinkle.

What are you talking about?

Right here.

It's from sleeping on my side all these years.

You know that you're an insane person?

A cleavage wrinkle?

With everything that women have to be paranoid about, we don't need to be making up new stuff.

You look amazing.

Don't look at me with best friend eyes.

I need your artist eye.

Josh is an artist. Oh, my God.

He's a tattoo artist.

All he does is look at skin all day.

Taut, young skin!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is going on with you?

I don't know! I just... I don't...

I don't know if I can have s*x with someone who's barely old enough to rent a car.

Liza, if you don't want to sleep with him...

Oh, no, no, I want to have s*x with him.

It's just, I don't know if...

I can't say this out loud, but...

I haven't had s*x in two years.

Oh.

Okay, well, uh, it's not like you forgot how.

You just need to relax.

Right.

Yeah.

How do I do that?

Take one of my Xanax.

Isn't it illegal to take someone else's prescription medicine?

You're so cute. Maybe just take half.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

You've got mail.

Oh, I love that movie.

I mean, I love watching old movies on my iPad.

Streaming them.

I'm a huge... I'm a big streamer.

I'm gonna go back to work now.

No, stay.

This is going to be a real treat for you.

It's for me?

God, no, it's for me.

But you get to be the first to see it.

It's Judith Leiber, made to order.

Just cobra and stingray with antiqued gold hardware.

Hematite, Austrian crystal, and onyx stone inlay.

It's gorgeous, Diana.

I just wish men appreciated bags as much as women.

Men are visual.

They respond to the whole picture, even if they don't know why.

I'm telling you, men are gonna love that purse without even realizing they saw it.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you think I should change my profile photo?

Maybe do one with the Leiber?

Uh, absolutely.

Would you mind... taking a few photos?

Sure.

Oh, no, not with that.

Use this.

And run it though one of those fancy Instagram filters.

Guess who has a reading tomorrow night at the Swedish consulate?

Bjornberg? [gasps]

I finished the translation you gave me.

You're right; he's incredible.

His agent wants him to sign with Knopf.

But I'm gonna get him to change his mind.

And how are you going to do that?

I don't know.

But I'm not above yodeling.

That's Swiss.

Swedes are more into free childcare, herring, and depression.

[groans]

[phone chimes]

Check this out.

It's a tattoo Josh did.

Wow.

It says, "You have to see it IRL."

What's IRL?

In real life.

When you were in India, were you living under an actual rock?

No, but I did spend one monsoon season in a cave IRL.

Bam. Used it right there.

Last time I was in New Jersey, it was illegal to pump your own gas.

It still is.

Still?

So same-sex marriage is legal, but pumping your own gas isn't?

Yup.

I like New Jersey.

[phone chimes]

Will you check that for me?

Ooh, hotty hotpants alert.

It's from Josh.

Oh, nice.

What should I text back?

How about "the escrow on my suburban New Jersey home is closed, and I'm on my way to tag everything for the movers."

Why not throw in the fact that I'm 40 and a baby's head came out of my Frida?

[laughs] You call it your Frida?

Yeah, what do you call it?

The entertainment center.

I wish I had your confidence.

Good, 'cause I'm sending some of it to Josh.

I request final text approval.

Ah, that's good.

No! That is not approved.

Too late. I hit "send."

[steady rock music]

I thought we were just here to tag stuff.

Why is there a moving van here?

The more important question is, why is my soon-to-be-ex-husband here?

David!

Liza, what are you... I didn't know you'd be here.

Wow, you look great.

Did you do something different with your...

She just dropped 180 pounds of dead weight.

Great to see you, Maggie...

As always. Still single?

Still stripping the blackjack dealer?

David, what's going on?

Uh, listen, I got a great last-minute deal on these movers, so I figured I'd have everything put into storage.

And that way, you could just go get your stuff whenever it's convenient for you.

I'm having a consignment guy come tomorrow.

I wanted him to see the furniture in the house.

Fine.

I'm an ass.

Take it all.

What?

Yeah, I screwed this up. Take everything.

No.

Take it, Liza.

Yeah, and maybe someday you'll look back on this and say, "Hey, you know, David wasn't so bad.

Sure, he made a mistake, but he was a good person."

See you around.

Maybe I'm too hard on him.

Who's paying for this?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Wow.

You look... wow.

[laughs]

I'm going straight to Bjornberg's reading after work.

Come with me.

I can't.

I'm seeing Josh tonight.

Oh, my God, I checked out his Instagram.

He is, like, disturbingly hot.

Are you two still busy braiding friendship bracelets, or are you ready to come back to work?

Uh...

We were actually just discussing what...

Shh. Did you hear that?

Hear what?

[musical flourish]

Excuse me.

Is everything okay?

I got a hit. Look.

[gasps]

Ooh, he's handsome.

And he's a tenured professor at Columbia Medical School.

He likes rock climbing; his Australian shepherd, Ben; and Sundays at The Frick.

You love The Frick.

I love The Frick.

He writes, "I see from your profile that you are a member of the East Side Chamber Music Society. I am a member of the West Side Chamber Music Society. Could we ever bridge this bitter rivalry?"

Adorable.

Stop cheerleading and help me.

What should I write back?

How about, "Some rivalries are fated.

"Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona."

Shakespeare?

Won't that make me sound a tad musty?

Well, he's into museums and chamber music.

I think Shakespeare's a safe bet.

Okay, press "send."

You always hope there's someone like this out there.

I know what you mean.

No, you don't. You're 26 years old.

You have no idea what it's like out there for a woman my age.

It's a tundra.

Oh!

"Quoting the bard. How intriguing.

Normally, this website is so fatiguing."

He's rhyming. Rhyme back.

Oh, okay. Uh...

"The bard isn't hard to quote by memory.

How did you enjoy your college years at Emory?"

Finally, something you're good at.

I'll take that as a "thank you."

[gasps] Oh.

"Those times were fun. There's much to tell.

Let's continue this chat IRL."

Where's IRL?

Is that Long Island City? Queens?

It stands for "in real life."

Ah. Yes, yes, yes!

Type "yes." Yes. Yes!

woman: He's won countless awards, including this year's Swedish Literary Society's Grand Prize.

He's quite simply a national treasure.

Please welcome the incomparable Anton Bjornberg.

[applause]

Thank you.

[speaking Swedish]

Kelsey: The whole thing's in Swedish?

man: Shh!

[Anton speaking in Swedish]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Well, to first times.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

I love that about you.

What, my nervousness?

No, no, your... Your honesty.

And also the way your right eyebrow's always just a little bit higher than your left one.

Makes you always seem a little amused.

Well, you're amusing.

Well, what exactly makes me so amusing?

You know, you're this... cool, sexy tattoo artist guy.

And you're this cool, sexy book publishing girl.

You pay attention.

I do pay attention.

And for certain people, I lavish my attention.

Lavish?

Yeah, lavish.


woman: Josh.

Hey. How are you?

woman: I'm good.

Look how great the new tattoo healed.

Oh, sick.

Yeah, that line turned out great.

Liza, this is Dacia.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

It's a great... line.

Thanks.

Dacia, is this Josh?

Oh, yeah.

You have to do me too.

I was thinking of a Smith & Wesson revolver, like, right here.

Yeah, yeah, that's hot.

woman: I know, right?

Dacia: We should go to your studio and do it right now.

Yes.

Uh, I... I should probably get going anyways.

What? Why?

Well, you've got work to do.

Hey, hey.

I want to be here with you, all right?

And when we get home, the only thing that I want to work on is your hot little...

[conversing in Swedish]

Excuse me.

Some people from the Finnish consulate are getting pretty rowdy at the bar.

The Finns are here?

Mm.

Pardon me.

Are there really Finns at the bar?

No. I just got creative.

Well, that certainly worked.

Kelsey Peters.

I'm an editor at Empirical.

Hey, Anton. [speaking Swedish]

Sorry, I don't speak Swedish.

You don't?

No.

Then why are you at a Swedish reading?

Well, I read a translation of your book, In Galleries.

I'm a huge fan.

I think you're a genius.

I want to sign you.

Oh. That's quite forward.

I just need five minutes of your time.

You know what, Kelsey Peters?

Let's get out of here.

Let's go and have a drink somewhere with fewer rowdy Finns.

Great.

band: ♪ You got me all worked up ♪
♪ I'm digging all your stuff ♪
♪ You got that thing I want ♪
♪ Give it to me now ♪
♪ You got me on my knees ♪

[laughs]

What's so funny?

Nothing. It's just...

[giggles]

Wait. I'm sorry. I'm just a little ticklish.

You just need to relax a little bit.

Yes, you're right.

I do. I do. I need to relax.

Can I use your bathroom?

Unrelated to relaxing.

I plan to relax elsewhere other than the bathroom.

First door on your right.

Thank you.

♪ You got me all worked up ♪
♪ I'm digging all your stuff ♪
♪ You got that thing I want ♪
♪ Give it to me now ♪

Okay.

Just relax.

[exhales]

[swanky jazz music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my lord.

Is that a Zahara stingray and cobra Judith Leiber bag?

Yes, it is.

I thought so. Look at the onyx stone inlay.

It's extraordinary.

You know a lot about purses.

Oh, I'm a huge Leiber fan.

I have a YouTube channel.

So far, I've reviewed 38 bags, but I've never seen a Zahara stingray and cobra.

If I were you, I'd keep it in a museum case.

No, no, fashion is for enjoyment.

I plan on taking it everywhere with me, to galleries and restaurants and...

The Frick.

[laughs]

How do you know I go to...

Oh, sh1t.

You're the Columbia professor?

I'm sorry, okay?

I just really wanted to see the bag.

Someone like you would never agree to meet me.

What do you mean, someone like me?

Well, you're this high-powered executive, and you've got such fierce style, and you're so cultured, and you have this amazing life.

That's what you think of me?

It's not what I think; it's just the straight-up truth.

Well, it's not so great. Believe me.

Well, I bet you don't get beat up at school.

And people don't call you "Little Miss Bag Fag."

Sit down. What are you drinking?

Grey Goose martini, two olives.

Club soda with a splash of grenadine.

Excellent choice.

Now, if you are very, very gentle...

You may hold it.

Would you like me to take a picture of you with it?

God, yes.

Smile pretty.

Well, that's the one.

I know I don't have as much experience as an older editor and I don't have a roster full of heavyweights, but that's also my strength.

I have the time. I have the energy.

I am wild about your book.

So what do you think the book is about?

I've thought about that a lot.

Mm-hmm.

I think the book is about indignity.

We start life getting our ass wiped.

We end life getting our ass wiped.

And in between, we're just chasing money.

And here I thought I was writing a book about my miserable childhood.

But I like the way you see it.

Really.

So will you come in Monday morning for a meeting and meet the rest of the team?

Oh, that's very American.

Already closing the deal.

[laughs]

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be pushy.

I'm just... I'm excited.

I'm excited too.

Good.

[phone chimes]

[phone ringing]

It's my boyfriend.

It's my wife.

Hey.

Squeeze: ♪ Tempted by the fruit of another ♪
♪ Tempted, but the truth is discovered ♪

I love this song.

What year was this?

1981, I think?

Oh, wow, 1981.

When I wasn't even born.

What?

What?

[laughs] Wait.

I love that you listen to old record albums.

Yeah.

I love vinyl. It's the best.

Do you love it love it, or do you love it ironically?

For real. I love it.

I love all types of old stuff.

[laughs]

[laughs]

I'm gonna try again.

You are a little bit drunk.

No.

It's okay.

I'm gonna go make you some coffee.

I'm not drunk.

No, I'm not drunk. I'm not.

I'm just chillaxin'.

Squeeze: ♪ What's been going on ♪
♪ Now that you have gone ♪

[snoring]

♪ Tempted by the fruit of another ♪
♪ Tempted, but the truth is discovered ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tempted by the fruit of another ♪
♪ Tempted, but the truth is discovered ♪

It was so embarrassing.

I completely passed out.

Then I snuck out this morning before he woke up.

You realize you roofied yourself.

Maggie, I don't think I can actually get back on the horse with such a young guy.

Of course you can.

Listen to me.

Your v*g1n* just needs a pep talk.

Excuse me?

Frida, now, I know you've only been with one pen1s in the past 20 years.

22 years.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Frida.

That was Frida.

That was Frida?

Come on. She needs, like, an accent or something.

Iz thiz bedder?

If she's a Persian dude.

Anyway, the point is, there is this unbelievably exciting sexual world out there that you've been missing out on.

It's time to come out, girl, okay?

Uh...

Uh, I can come back.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, it's okay.

Come on in, Trent.

Okay.

So I took a look in the truck.

I can give you $2,500 for all of it.

$2,500?

Uh, maybe you didn't see it all.

Here. No, show him.

Liza: I have photos here from when the house was staged.

Everything is in great condition.

We only had one girl, so we were actually able to have nice things, unlike the boy families.

See this chair? It's a Stickley.

And the dinette, this was my mom's, and it's genuine cherry.

Look, lady, I get it.

I saw it.

It's worth a couple grand.

I know the market here.

But it took me forever to collect these things.

I mean, I know some of it's sentimental, but it's got to be worth more than that, even as firewood.

Okay, 3 grand. Final offer.

You're not gonna do better.

Wow.

You know what? Let's go.

Where?

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn?

Yeah, Brooklyn.

Everybody's moving to Brooklyn.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

It's so normcore.

So normcore, totally suburban.

It's perfect.

Enjoy it!

We're cleaning up.

See, this stuff's not worthless.

Brooklyn loves you.

[phone chimes]

Oh, my God, look at this.

Ooh, this guy's really into you.

I know.

That's why I got to tell him the truth.

It's only a number.

But it's a big one.

You'll be fine. Go.

Frida deserves this.

See ya.

Scissor Sisters: ♪ I don't mind if you're running around ♪

Josh, I know that you think that we're the same age, but, actually, I'm four... teen.

That's right; I'm a minor, and you're under arrest.

♪ I'm laying in bed with a whole lot of wonder ♪

Did you know Cameron Diaz is 40?

She's not gross, right?

♪ Midnight strikes ♪
♪ I don't know where you've been ♪
♪ But I still want to make love tonight ♪
♪ When you come stumbling in ♪
♪ Baby, come home to me ♪
♪ Baby, come home to me ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I am so sorry I passed out last night.

I was just really nervous, 'cause...

There's something that I need to tell you.

♪ Baby, come home to me ♪
♪ Baby, come home to me ♪
♪ It's a half past quarter to three ♪

Never mind.

♪ Baby, come home ♪