01x01 - Pilot

I worked at random house for three years.

I started as an assistant to a marketing VP, and then I worked my way up to junior editor.

Wow. Impressive.

At the time, I was one of the youngest people ever to make editor.

I was 25.

I'm 25.

Don't worry. You don't look a day over 7.

[Chuckles sarcastically]

And then for the past...

What, 15 years, nothing?

I quit to raise my child, Caitlin, who's now spending her senior year in an exchange program in India.

Look, I know I've been out of play for a while, but I am a much smarter, more capable person today than I was 15 years ago.

Hmm, I'm sure.

I'm ready to throw myself back into work 24-7.

I'm ready to pick up where I left off.

Well, it has been quite a long hiatus, Liza.

Things have changed.

Facebook, Twitter, iPhones.

IPads, ebooks, YouTube.

Instagram, Snapchat, Skype.

Pinterest.

Bang with Friends.

Seriously? You Bang with Friends?

It's way better than Tinder.

Alice met a guy on Tinder last week who showed her a boob shot of a girl his roommate hooked up with, and it was her very own boob.

Shut up. And she could recognize it?

Clear as a fingerprint.

Hello?

Hey. Sorry.

Look, I'm not expecting to come back where I left off.

I'll start anywhere.

I'll read.

I'm a terrific reader.

I'll start as an assistant.

Oh, that would be weird.

I mean, assistants are generally right out of college.

You're way too o...

Overqualified.

No, I think she was gonna say...

Orange.

I'm way too orange?

Industry term.

Please don't put words in my mouth, Liza.

Damn.

They've lived here for 12 years, but then Dave had left Liza for Debbie, a Blackjack dealer he was shtupping in Atlantic City.

The good news is he left Liza the house.

The bad news is, of course, that he took out four mortgages that she never knew about to support his gambling habit.

I've said too much. You don't need the details.

I love a flat screen above a fireplace.

I don't know.

Sounds like the home of a woman who lives with her cats and is gonna die alone.

Not in this house, she won't.

She can't afford to.

Now, either someone buys this place by next week, or it goes to the bank.

Can she leave the TV?

Hi. Can I get anybody anything?

Coffee? Tea? Cyanide?

Mom.

I'm trying to have a cultural experience.

You can't call me every day.

Caitlin, I do not call you every day.

It just seems that way because of the time difference.

[Chuckles]

But I want you to know we're selling the house.

So you may want to come home from Bombay early.

Mom, it's Mumbai, and you just want me to come home to help you pack.

That is not true. I miss you.

It's just because you don't have anything else going on in your life right now.

Excuse me?

You're just feeling hurt and rejected since Dad left.

Well, thanks for putting that in a nutshell and stabbing me with it.

Okay, I think you're so brilliant, and you used to have such a cool job.

You should really go back to work.

Well, you're gonna be late for class.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye, mom. I love you.

[Lively percussive music]

♪ ♪

How is that the older and more experienced you are the less you desirable you become?

You're talking about your marriage again?

No, finding work.

I have gone on over a dozen interviews, and these young girls seem to take a special pleasure in rubbing my age in my face.

Oh, you must want to spank them.

It's like I woke up one day, realized my marriage was a big lie, and I'd become Ruth van wrinkle.

Liza, you did the right thing for the time.

No, you did the right thing.

You followed your artistic dreams, you stuck with the lesbian thing, and you moved to Brooklyn before it become hot.

Excuse me, I moved to Brooklyn because I couldn't afford Manhattan.

And now thanks to all these bearded cheese mongers and chicks that look like Macaulay Culkin, I can't afford Brooklyn.

Jeez, how did I miss the memo on Brooklyn?

And by the way, when did Bombay become Mumbai?

You know you can't call it Bombay anymore?

Well, who wants the word "bomb" in the name of their city anyway?

You know what, I got to pee.

Order, like, six more of these, and then we'll go dancing, and we'll split that hit of ecstasy I've been saving since 1998.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sir.

Mr. bartender. Hello.

Hello!

Really? Hello?

Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey. You don't wave a shoe.

Never wave a shoe.

In Thailand, that's considered a capital offense.

And you've been to Thailand?

No, but I have been to Myanmar.

Which used to be Burma.

Back in the day.

I knew that.

What are you having here?

Uh, skinny Margarita.

Six of 'em.

Really? Tyler, two shots of bourbon.

Trust me.

Um, I'm Josh.

I'm Liza.

So are these for real, or can you scrub 'em off whenever you want to?

Scrub them off.

Why would I... why would I want to scrub these off?

My bad.

You'll definitely want to take that skull with the rose between its teeth to your grave.

I... it's what I do. I'm a tattoo artist.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to insult your work.

Do you have your own parlor?

Parlor? [Laughs]

You're not really from around here, are you?

Just over the bridge.

Yeah. I figured.

I have my own studio.

It's more of like a lounge, really.

Body art's this really personal experience.

It's important that everybody feels comfortable.

So here's to being comfortable.

You must get a lot of crazy requests.

Oh, you have no idea.

Last week I tattooed the insides of Lena Dunham's ass cheeks.

What? Why?

Said she wanted to keep something private.

Who's Lena Dunham?

That's funny.

So what about you? Hmm?

What do you do?

Um, I'm actually... I'm actually looking for work right now, in publishing.

Okay, and how's that going?

It could be better.

I took a bit of a sabbatical.

Nice. Doing what?

I...

Um, worked on a novel.

And, um...

And I did some volunteer work in India.

That's amazing.

I know,.

I call it my "eat, pray, endure chronic diarrhea" period.

[Laughs]

I'm gonna steal your cell phone for a second.

Wait a minute. Why?

Just relax, scaredy-cat.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a picture of my junk.

No.

I'm adding myself to your calendar right here, next Thursday.

Are you asking me on a date?

Is that a yes?

I don't know. Let me see that junk shot first.

Oh, my God.

I totally thought that was gonna sound flirty, but it came out creepy.

It came out really sexy if you ask me.

Please give me my phone.

You are way too young for me.

Whoa, whoa. I'm 26, dude.

I mean, we got to be the same age, give or take.

My phone.

Hey.

Hey, this is my girlfriend, Maggie.

My friend who is a girl, named Maggie.

And we need to get going. Yes.

Okay.

It was very nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Dude.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God.

Wait, what are you doing? He was hot.

I know, and I think he raped my phone.

What? Get back in there.

Oh, no, no, no. He thought I was in my 20s.

What?

Yes.

What do they put in the drinks in that place, and how do we get it into the water supply?

You know, actually that's not a totally ludicrous assumption.

We were discussing his junk, which I believe means "pen1s," by the way.

Uh-huh.

You know, come over. I want to show you something.

I've seen your weird nipple.

No, not that.

[Sighs]

Look at yourself.

You've got a great figure, great hair, great legs.

I mean, that's what people see when they look at you.

They don't see a number.

The bar was dark, and the guy was drunk.

Liza, you've always looked good for your age.

I mean, you were getting carded until you were 30.

I know, and my husband still leaves me for a younger woman.

How's that for irony?

Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen to me?

What, no one wants to hire a 40-year-old has-been?

Tell 'em you're 26.

Are you insane? Nobody's gonna believe that.

People believe what you tell them.

They believe The Real Housewives are real.

They think that coconut water is gonna shrink their ass.

They'll believe you're 26.

I'm gonna need some highlights.

Oh, girl, we're going way bigger than that.

[Jittery rock music]

♪ Like a birth in reverse ♪
♪ What I saw through the blinds ♪
♪ You could say that I'm saying ♪
♪ Phenomenal lies ♪
♪ On the cosmic eternity party line ♪

Who inspires you?

Katniss Everdeen.

Favorite band.

One Direction.

More specifically?

Harry.

You're ready.

♪ ♪

Yes.

[Quizzical music]

♪ ♪

[Inhales sharply]

Hmm.

You've been out of school for... Four years?

Mm-hmm.

What have you been doing?

Mostly volunteer work in India and working on a novel.

Oh. Well... I see. And now you're ready for some real life.

I'm ready for a job.

Yes, well, I'm sorry to say there's not a lot here that suggests a work ethic.

Uh... Dartmouth.

Every young person who applies for this job is an Ivy league English major. Can you answer phones for eight hours at a stretch without texting your friends? Can you make strong coffee, never wear perfume, and not annoy me?

Okay, could you give me some guidelines? I mean, regarding what constitutes annoying behavior?

That's an annoying question.

Noted.

I'm not here to give you guidelines or hold your hand or, God forbid, ever read that novel you've been working on since college.

I understand. I'm a very hard worker. I will figure out how to make your life easier and how never to annoy you.

Tell me, Leslie, what would you say makes you... special?

I'm a grown-up.

I don't think I'm special.

Yes. Yes.


Hey, it's Maggie. Leave a message.

Maggie, you won't believe this.

I got the job.

I am working for Diana Trout, head of marketing.

26.

[Toilet flushes]

Congrats.

Oh.

Thanks.

Or maybe I should say, my condolences.

Excuse me?

Oh. Sorry.

I'm Kelsey Peters.

I'm an editor here, and I saw you meeting with Diana Trout.

Liza Miller.

And I'm sure she's no picnic, but I'm just really happy to have a job.

Of course.

I didn't mean to [Bleep] in your cheerios.

Okay.

It's a pretty cool company.

I started working here right out of college as an assistant, and I just made junior editor six months ago.

Wow.

Yeah.

So basically I was you two years ago.

If you say so.

So what's the problem with Diana Trout?

The problem with Trout Pout is that she's 43 and divorced.

Wow. Tragic.

She sees girls like us come in here with our fresh ovaries and our faces plumped with natural elasticity and she just wants to destroy us.

Well, thanks for the warning.

No problem. It's called paying it forward.

As Taylor Swift said, there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.

I've got your back, girl.

Thanks.

Girl.

[Booming electronic music]

♪ Girl, you better wake up ♪
♪ Girl, you better run ♪
♪ First thing in the morning ♪
♪ Faster than a bullet coming out of that gun ♪
♪ Tells you that he loves you ♪
♪ Then you take it all back ♪

I need you to set up a Twitter account for Jane Austen and start writing her tweets.

Jane Austen? Dead Jane Austen?

Yes, we're releasing Pride and Prejudice as an ebook.

We need to make some noise in the twitterverse.

Yo me tweet?

As Jane.

Are you deaf? Is that how you got into Dartmouth?

No, of course not.

Put it on Facebook and Match.com.

And ChristianMingle.

Not hot enough!

Hey, lady. How's the first day going?

Oh, it's going great. Really great.

Hanging in. Good.

You want to come join some friends after work for Krav Maga?

Sure. That sounds fun.

Refresh my memory. Is that a bird or cocktail?

[Laughs] You're funny.

[Chuckles forcefully]

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, you totally kicked ass in there.

More like I got my ass kicked.

Liza, this is Lauren.

She's a publicist at Hector and Dorf.

Hey, oh, I'm so sorry.

I think I accidentally punched you in the tit.

Oh, it's all good.

Hey, come have a drink.

I want you to meet Thad.

Who's Thad?

He's my boyfriend.

He's a hedge fund guy, but don't hold that against him.

He's really great. Cool.

[Screams] Oh, my God.

What?

What?

That bush.

Wow.

Oh, it looks like my mother's v*g1n*.

Don't you wax?

I, uh... I just came back from three years in India.

Hey, can I put the bush up on instagram for Hector and Dorf?

They're always looking for inspiration.

No, you may not.

And for your information, I call it a Wisconsin.

[Laughs]

So what year did you say you graduated Dartmouth?

Oh, that must have been, God...

'08.

Oh, so you must know Craig Fowler.

Oh, yeah. Everybody knows Fowler.

Fowler loved the ladies.

Fowler is gay.

Right.

He loved the ladies as friends, and he loved the dudes for the hot s*x.

Babe, I'm empty here.

Oh, sorry. I'll be right back.

Yeah, he works at our firm, but I think he was '06, but I bet you guys know a ton of people in common.

No, I didn't have much of a social life.

I participated in a lot of sit-ins, so I got arrested, like, every weekend.

And then you spent three years in India.

Yeah, about that.

Doing what?

Working for various charity organizations.

Such as...

Excuse me, is this a background check?

Oh, no, no. I'm just curious.

I think it's cool.

Cool?

Yeah, it wasn't cool, Thad.

It was a war zone.

That's what real poverty is; it's a war zone.

With all its attended misery, bad hygiene, and deprivation.

Is that why your bush turned gray?

Yeah.

Partially gray.

'Cause of some of the things I saw, and maybe some of the things I smelled.

Yeah, I don't know.

I have quite processed it all yet.

Wow.

♪ Smile for the people ♪
♪ Meeting every day ♪

Let me ask you something, you've seen a lot of vaginas, right?

Hmm, I've seen my fair share.

So...

What's in style?

Why do you ask?

Well, last night at the gym, I was almost busted when I was changing.

Apparently nobody under 30 looks a day over 12 down there.

[Laughs]

I've got someone that can help you with that.

I know this girl... well, technically she's a man now, but he's great.

Oh, God, this is insane.

So keep the bush.

I mean, I hear it's coming back in style, anyways.

No, I mean, insane thinking I can get away with this.

Do I really want to trade my dignity, wisdom, and self-respect for another chance at my 20s?

Yes.

Yes, you do.

[Keyboard clacking]

Jane Austen has over 1,000 followers.

How cool is that?

Am I supposed to congratulate you?

No, I just thought...

Just expected a gold star for doing your job.

That's the problem with your generation, Leslie.

Right. By the way...

I have another idea for the Pride and Prejudice reissue.

Maybe we could ask a writer like J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer to write an intro.

It would be a really great marketing hook.

Oh, is that your idea of a really great marketing hook?

Poaching a world-class writer from a rival publishing house to promote one of our reissues?

It's time for a staff meeting.

You should be fetching me coffee.

Not pitching me ridiculous ideas.

You're right. She is that bad.

Told you; You got to just suck it up for at least a year, and then with my help, you could have her job.

What? No. I'm just happy to have a job.

Liza, Trout Pout is 43.

She says she's 41, but, trust me, I know.

She lies about her age.

How pathetic is that?

Ha. Totes pathetic.

Hashtag pathetic.

Exactly.

She's hit her head on the glass ceiling so many times, she's got dementia.

Kelsey, I don't understand.

You are such a strong woman at work, but then around Thad...

What? What about Thad?

I just don't like the way he treats you.

What are you talking about?

A little subservient?

You can't let men get away with that.

Girl, I like doing things for my man.

Lighten up, judge Judy.

Amazon is promising us the home page for three days.

We're also providing free interactive study guides to every high school.

Well, love the art, but we're going to need a better hook if you want us to market these.

What if we got a world-class author from our own stable to write the intros to the Austen books?

Jennifer Weiner's book drops next month, and I happen to know she loves Austen.

Perfect.

[Muffled] ♪ ass, titties ♪
♪ Ass and titties ♪

All right, who's the gangster?

♪ Ass and titties ♪
♪ Ass, titties ♪

Are you serious?

♪ Ass, ass, titties, titties ♪

Get out!

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

♪ Come on, ho ♪

Oh, my God, what is happening?

Give me that. I have no idea.

Somebody's been messing with my phone.

Hmm.

Looks like you have a date tonight with Josh.

And Josh is cute.

Where is he taking you?

Uh, no, I can't.

Trout Pout has me buried with work.

Liza, are you crazy?

We're only in our 20s once.

I know, you're right. It's true.

Well, you got to live it.

Before you know it, you're gonna be in your 40s, living in a house in the suburbs with a husband who watches TV all night while you're in your bathtub, spritzing your shower hose on our special place.

I think they call it a wand.

[Sighs]

Help me with my makeup.

Yes.

♪ Ah, ooh ♪

[Laid-black bluesy music]

♪ Ah, ooh, ah, ooh ♪
♪ I lost everything ♪

[Cell phone ringing]

Caitlin, hey. Is everything okay?

Mom, where have you been?

You haven't called in a week.

I was trying to give you your space.

Well, I didn't mean for you to ignore me.

I'm sorry. How's Mumbai?

I miss home, and I miss you, mom.

Please don't sell the house.

Don't worry. We'll find another.

It's just all hitting me.

You know, you and Dad, and it's just so sad, and...

I hate curry.

It's gonna be okay.

I promise.

I want to come home.

Then come home.

Come home, honey.

Where will we live?

We'll figure it out.

I love you, honey.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

[Sighs]

[Door clicks open]

Hey!

Scaredy-cat!

Where you going?

Just coming to meet you.

♪ Feeling all right ♪

[Upbeat music]

♪ I'm not feeling too good myself ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Feeling all right ♪