s07e10 - The sh1t River Runs Through It

[sound of train]

Well, Ricky and Julian worked up this plan with Sebastian Bach you know where we load up the train, model train with dope and it chugs through the woods there into the U.S. and Sebastian picks up the dope once it arrives, he loads it with cigarettes, sends it right back and, I mean, it's pretty elaborate, but I think it could work.

[in Conky voice] Ricky and Julian have pretty much everything riding on this one deal and if you ask me, the whole plan is f*cked.

Anything could go wrong. A deer could kick that train off the track.

Somebody could call the authorities [laughter].

I don't even know how to deal with Conky, I don't know what to do with him.

Right now I think, I think Bubbles has totally lost his mind and it's all because of this great plan that I thought of. Great.

That forest fire is getting a lot f*cking closer boys.

[in Conky voice] Are you guys going to accept the fact that Skiddy Row must have f*cked you over.

f*ck it!

[in Conky voice] kissing sound Bubbles, would you put that f*cking puppet away please.

Sorry Julian. Look cheer up, I mean, that was a pretty good plan.

That plan could have worked.

[in Conky voice] Actually I think your plan was f*cked right off the bat Julian. Why wouldn't you just take the alien Trevor's and put them on a horse or a mule and cross the border like a regular drug dealer, you f*cking idiot? [laughing]

Conky, shut the f*ck up.

The train probably burnt up in the forest fire.


Jacob! Boys, the cigarettes!

[in Conky voice] f*ck!


Alright Shitty, back her up!

Let's go boys. Unload the freight cars. Get her moving.

That f*cking Sebastian. What a great f*cking guy man.

[sound of voices]

Great work Jacob.

I just gotta rock a piss boys, I'll be right back.

Hurry the f*ck up.

Jacob, move it!

Okay, I'll just be a second.

Move it boys, move it, move it.

Can you f*cking believe this man?

Come on, move, move, move move.

Let's get these f*cking smokes loaded. Come on, move.

Alright Shitty, see you back at the park buddy.

And don't f*cking this up. Those them cigarettes in there is our lifes.

And for f*cks sakes man, take a shower, you look like a f*cking hobolo.


Alright boys, so what the f*ck are you going to do with the train?

You know what boys. f*ck that train, I don't want anything to do with it.

Let's just get out of here.

Are you sure?


Whoa, whoa. Shhh, shhh.

What's that?

Boys, that sounds like a motor down by the river.



What the f*ck?

[in Conky voice] Drunk prick, who could he be referring to I wonder Julian. I hope it's not some kind of fuckery.

How are you going to dance around this situation? Dirtily? [kissing sound]

Jacob! You guys check the river. Ricky, in the car.

Bubbles, consider that kiss your final warning. You know what you gotta do?

You gotta kill him!

[in Conky voice] f*ck off Julian.

Let's go!

What the f*ck? What the f*ck's going on with this thing.

Come on Ricky! Try it again.

I don't know what the f*ck's going on with it.

[sound of motor]

Be really still.

...easy now, I know the forest fire gets them upset...

Alright, get out.

Lahey and Randy!

How the f*ck did they get here?

Fuckitty chomp in the f*ck!

Randy, what the f*ck are you doing here? How'd you find us?

Swayzie train is coming with us gentlemen.

[mocking Mr. Lahey] Swayzie train's coming with us gentlemen.

What the f*ck are you doing shooting at Shitty Bill, you liquored up dummies?

Look at ya. Too drunk to do anything.

Everyone knows how it goes down with you and the liquor Jim.

You can't pace yourself.

Maybe I had a few drinks.

But maybe I know how all this is going to go down Julian.

Cause you're going to jail, Richard. Even sexy guys go to jail, Julian.

Jim, Jim, Jim, are you sure you haven't had too many drinks to pull this off?

Cause I'm willing to bet you have. f*cking drunk.

Hey! Guys, I'm serious here.

He's frigging serious.


f*ck off boys.

You guys are under arrest for grand theft Swayzie train.

You're under f*ck off for grand f*cking offing.


Oh, f*ck!

What the f*ck!? Oh, you went too f*cking far this time Lahey.

You crossed the f*cking line, you shot Julian.


It wasn't me.

f*ck. You okay?

Would you help me out here Ricky?

Lahey f*cking shot you.


Come on man, we gotta get the f*ck out of here. f*cking idiots.

I'm sorry Julian.

f*ck off Lahey!

It wasn't me Julian, it was the liquor.

Bubbles, Lahey and Randy shot me. We gotta get out of here.

How though man? The car won't f*cking start.

Julian, the rangers are heading this way. They're crossing the river on their floaty thing.

Why is this happening to us now?

[in Conky voice] How could they possibly find you out here in the middle of nowhere Julian, unless somebody told them?

Did you f*cking tell Lahey you little stick bitch.

No Ricky, I was with Conky the whole time. He didn't do anything.

[in Conky voice] Yeah Ricky, I'm not an impossibilist.

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

[in Conky voice] Think about it Ricky. [kissing sound]

f*cking kissed me.

[in Conky voice] Jacob told Lahey. It's the only thing that could've happened.

No, wait, we're friends. I wouldn't do anything like that.

[in Conky voice] Why don't you join us down at the car then Jacob.

Come on boys, there's something I'd like to show you.

Why don't you show them what you put in his gas tank Twiddly McGee.

I would wager that your gas tank has a delicious tasty flavour.

It is delicious. Sugarish.

[in Conky voice] Sugar!

Why Jacob?

No, I didn't, it wasn't.

Take off your shirt.

Why? I mean, no way. There's bugs. It's cold.

He's wearing a f*cking wire. Should I shoot him Julian?

I can't believe this man.


Don't move. You are surrounded.

There are many guns pointed at you right now.

What's going on up here boys? We heard some gun shots.

Thank f*ck you're here. Hillybillies chasing us big ime.

They shot my friend there.

One's got a big gut, no shirt on. f*cking smells like barbeque sauce.

The other one is dressed as a cop or something f*cked up.

They are f*cking weird and they're wasted.

You know, I thought I smelled barbeque sauce, coming up here.

f*ck off hillybillies.


Alright now boys. Just relax. Just relax.

There's no such thing as hill billies up here in these woods.



You guys stay down. Amanda!

Let's get the f*ck out of here.

Julian, let me explain.

I'm taking this f*cking thing, right here.

Bubbs, come on, get in.

Sorry boys, there's no room. We'll have to work out something later.

There's tons of room.

Jacob, get the f*ck out of here.

Let's move it Rick, come on.

Alright, I gotta figure this f*cking thing out.

I'm really sorry guys.

You let me down Jacob.

Nice f*ck up Jacob.

Come on Ricky, faster.

Please Julian. You can't leave us here.

I love you Julian!

Just keep going the f*ck downstream.

It's the fastest way out of here Rick.

It's pretty hard when you're a f*cking two or one a mile an hour sh1t wheeler Julian.

Ahoy Shitliner. Shitliner's finally come to port boys and guess who's here to tie her up!

What the f*ck Lahey? Don't you ever give up? f*ck off.

I feel just awful Randy about shooting Julian, but we gotta find that Swayzie Express and get the f*cking fifty thousand dollars reward money.

More important than that Randy, I'd like to go out in a blaze of glory and make an arrest and then people will know, Jim Lahey was a good cop.

Watch those rocks here. Watch that tree!

Okay, I think they are out here.

Wah hoo! Today's getaway has been brought to you by the letter "F" for "f*cked in the head"

Which you are Ricky!

What the f*ck is wrong with this thing?

Taken without permission from https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/

Who the f*ck is that? Amerinicans!

Hey! Shut that damn thing off. Special Agent Ryan Chalkneck, FBI.

Which one of you guys is Conky?

[in Conky voice] That would be me. I guess you got my phone messages.

Phone messages?

What are you talking about Conky?

I think you should cross over now before things get out of hand.

You're all under arrest.

f*cking sold us out didn't you!

Ricky, calm down, we gotta figure this out.

Alright, this thing is going to escalate guys.

Let's lock it down. Okay, let me see your hands guys.

Let me see your hands.

f*ck off over there. This is my arrest.

You f*ck off, this is Special Agent Ryan Chalkneck, FBI. f*ck you!

Bubbles, you gotta lose the puppet and put up your hands, they need to see both of them.

I don't want Conky to get shot.

f*ck, there they are.

Alright guys, get your hands up now where we can see them.

You there in the red, let me see your right hand, son.

Let me see your right hand.

You're going to get yourself shot.

Put up your f*cking hand. We're going to get shot.

[in Conky voice] Wouldn't want me to make any sudden moves Ricky?

Like this. Ah, ah.



Hold your fire. Hold your fire. It's a puppet.

Loch Ness Monster balls, I've been shot!

What the f*ck was that?

You just shot those guys?

Help me Julian, I'm shot in the leg.

Jacob, you okay?

Put pressure on the wound, you'll be okay buddy.

I love you bud.

Stop f*cking worrying about this freak that's pretending he's you.

You gotta deal with Conky man, or we're going to die here.

Bubbles, you know what you have to do with Conky.

Okay? So snap out of it and do it!

Come on!

[in Conky voice] You remember, I'm calling the shots here Bubbles.

Googly eyed b*st*rd.

What the f*ck did you call me? You're going under Conky.

That's right Bubbles, drowned him, drowned him.

[in Conky voice] Bubbles, we're a team like Abott...

Dirty dirty dancing...

Jesus Fuckin... I'll f*cking kill you.

What the f*ck is going on?

He's gone. He's gone. What the f*ck am I doing boys?

We surrender. We will not put up a fight.

Who in the f*ck's in charge here anyway?

I'm in charge.

I'm in charge here!

Actually, I'm in f*cking charge. Me.

I'm the one in charge here not you idiots or you idiots, me.

Here's the deal. That's the US with all the f*cking fancy guys, DEA, ATF, whatever the f*ck that means, and FBI.

This is Canada with drunkey the clown and his little gut friend and two alien Trevors and f*cking Jacob the twig alien and the Forest Pricks.

They don't pick a side to go to, we can't make an arrest.

Alright, this is the middle of the river, borderland.

So basically we can pick who busts us.

Make up your minds. Come on, we'll go easy on you over here.

We'll go easy on you over here too Rick. No big deal.

Bud, bring the boat back over to Canada, bud.

I don't trust you, you're wasted out of your god-damned mind.

What are you going to charge us with?

No big charge Rick, just internationally drug smuggler.

Gotta have that Rick. I'll drop all the other charges.

There's no drugs and no tobacco. It's gone, it's over.

You missed it. You're stupid. So go the f*ck home.

Go home?! I've got twenty men in back up, I'm on overtime, I've spent my budget for the year. Helicopters.

I'm in the middle of a f*cking forest fire.

I'm going home, but someone's going with me. Someone's gotta go to jail.

Jesus Christ. Well what the f*ck do you want to charge us with?

I'm only going to charge you with stealing the Swayzie Express.

How much time do you get for stealing the f*cking whatever that is?

About five, six months, tops.

Listen, if there's no international drug bust charges, I need the Trazie's Express Bus, that way Randy and me get to split fifty grand and we get to meet Patrick Swayze.

Cause we're big fans of his Ricky.

How f*cking drunk are you right now?

Six out of ten.

Oh f*ck! What are you going to give us for jail time Lahey?

Two, three months, max.

What about the Forest f*ck Dummies, what have you got for us?

Endangering protected beavers, and we ain't willing to bargain on that.

What the f*ck do you get for cocking over beavers?

You go to jail for that?

Five hundred dollars or thirty days in jail.

For stealing my Argo, you get it back over here, we'll talk about not charging you for that.

Well, we didn't steal it, we just f*cking borrowed it.

But alright, that's not too bad. Just a second.

Okay, we're going to talk this out and figure it out.

You guys can go for a piss or have a couple of drinks in that situation, whatever.

Number one, I can't believe someone's going to jail for f*cking beavers, but I may as well take that. Dad's in jail in the US anyway, I can see him.

Give me the video tape. I can't go to jail everywhere.

Alright, we got this worked out. We got a video tape right here of who stole the Swayzie Express.

All three of them are over there. Two of them are little f*ck goofs, one of them's a little alien twiggy. We're going to leave him over there, but we'll bring the f*ck goofs to you guys so you can take somebody home with you, if that's what you need.

I'll go with the forest fuckies and f*cking deal with this beaver sh1t.

Are we cool here?

Alright, come on you guys.

I want some food, and I want to make sure I can get some dope in that jail, and I want to get drunk today.

Well, there's been enough talk. Let's see some action, come on.

f*ck, I hate this thing!


This is one of the nicest f*cking jails we've ever been in.

People here are really friendly.

Oh, the food is f*cking fantastic.

Me and Rick have been working on some mutual goals together, right bud?

That's right. We got our GEDs going.

Cause the book learning tests are way easier down here than they are in Canada. I got my f*cking Grade 11.

I got my f*cking Grade 9.

I'm going to be sad to leave this place, but can't wait to get back to Sunnyvale. We got a lot of money waiting for us back there.

No sh1t. What's for supper tonight bud?

Uh, f*cking lobster bisque, king crab legs, scallops and strawberry shortcake for dessert.

Oh f*ck, right on!


Despite all the bull sh1t and problems I went through lately, the deal actually worked. Shitty Bill got back to the park with all the cigarettes and I made four hundred and eighty thousand dollars.

I'm retired now. I can't believe it. I actually made something of myself.

I realize now Ran and myself don't need to go to Mexico.

This is our Mexico. I resigned from the force. It was too much.

I was meant to be a drunk trailer park supervisor.

It's what I was born to do.

I never saw it coming. Jacob and I totally fell in love.

I think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen.

I don't really like the whole Julian thing, but you know, I'm slowly working on it. We'd have to move into his dad's RV for a while but I'm considering living with him and Phil Collins until we can afford our own place.

Well me and T got out of the joint, it was a bit weird you know what I'm saying, with Randy and Lahey for a while, you know what I'm saying.

But now we aight with them and me and T realize it's time to grow up and get some family sh1t going. Family life's kind of tight. Saying.

I might even get back into the rap game one of these days.

Fatherhood has changed me big time.

It's helped me figure out a few things. Become more responsible.

I know what I want in life now. All I really want to do is get high and mow lawns in the trailer park. And that's okay.

I think having this baby with Bo-bandy will in a weird way will, in a weird way, give Ricky sort of a second chance at parenting and sort of getting himself together and if Ban's cool with it and Rick's cool with it, it's going to be really cool, I think.

Yeah, I think things worked out for the best really.

I miss the road, but I just don't think that this was the right time that I was on it so, no I've got a new grandson now, and uh, well it's Randy's but it's mine really.

No, I'm just basically drinking and having a good time.

That's the way she goes. That's the way she f*cking goes.

I've been feeling like a million bucks lately.

I decided to go see and therapist and he told me it was perfectly normal to get that stressed out hanging around people like Ricky and Julian and Randy, crazy Mr. Lahey. Conky was just some sort of defence mechanism that my brain created so that I wouldn't go right off the deep end. So in a way, Conky pretty much saved my life.

So these days I'm just rocking with the boys and rocking with my kitties.

Well, me and the old man got out of jail this time and things were quite a bit different. I mean, it was the first time I got out of jail where I was f*cking rich you know.

It was good to have a bit of money and I got my family back, Lucy, Trin, and the new baby which is kind of Randy's by birthing and stuff but it's pretty much my baby I think and you know, now I've got the money to supporting it and even though it's his by birthing, I can be just as good of a dad to it as if it was my own by it. And after all that jail and crazy sh1t that I've been through over the years, I finally got my brain to be learnt that all that really matters I guess is your friends and family.

That's all that matters to me now.

Yeah, like a sausage.

Can I get you something from the grill?

Yeah, a burger with four patties.

Bottle kids.

Don't worry it'll be over in a second...

[screaming and smashing]

[loud burp]

What in the f*ck!

So Randy, let me get this straight, you want four patties and one bun?

I'll get you two doubles and make it your self.

Drinks on the house everybody.

Good job on the burgers there Phil.

Pour yourself a drink, Philadelphia.

[All talking]